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Lacy Brian
04-06-2004, 05:05 AM
Hey there,
I am looking to chat with others who have had a hard time coming to grips with their feminine side. I have had a long battle with depression and anxiety all stemming, I believe from my early onset of crossdressing. I started about 4 or so with my mothers panties, and have progressed to full female attire. I have long periods of self hate and guilt over this, but cant seem to shake either the crossdressing or the guilty feelings. I know that when I was young my parents caught me wearing my mothers panties and my father made me feel such shame from it. I have never gotten over this, and it is my earliest recollection of feelings. I am now 34 and still feel alienated, lonley and isolated. Hope you can share and brighten my day. :)

Alice Ruhig
04-06-2004, 07:56 PM
Hi Brian,
I know how you feel, been there hun,
I was cought out , if you like the same as you, when I was about !£, I fell asleep in my parents bed wearing my mums lingerie, and my dad wasn,t to receptive shall we sa, although my mum was cool. first thing I would like to say though hun is i hope that this is where the feelings of guilt and shame end for you. I'm same age as you, 34, and it has taken me this long to come to terms with myself fully, for years I was with a (real ) girl who was totally understanding about everything,. that was cool until we split up then to cut a long story short , Igot with another girl who I never told. needless to say it didn't last although if I had only told her she probably have had no problem. silly eh,

the other thing id say , I know all about felings of guilt and depression, and all the rest, i can only speak from experience but I know how you feel. I know how hard it can bre to cope. I went through times of getting out of it on drink and drugs to be honest with you, but always ended up telling someone, (who I shouldn,t have about myself being TV). in the end I reaLISED IT WAS BECAUSE i HAD GOT TIRED OF KEEPING IT ALL INSIDE SO THATS PROBABLY WHY i BLURTED IT OUT (OOPS SORRY CAPS LOCK ) Brian, I,e been through all that self loathing, etc, and then as a result of angst, done other stupid shit that made me loathe myself even more,
I'm gonna PM you my E-mail etc, if you need to talk to someone at any point feel free,

anyway, you've come to the right place so no worries

Take care hun,

lots of love

Alice xx

Rodnivs
04-07-2004, 04:40 AM
Hi there brian, how are you going?

LIke yourself and Alice i am 34 this year, and have been dressing off and on since i was 12 and only occaissionaly do it these days.

Mainly it was a different feel having silks and satiny clothes against my skin, but i found it more of a way to relax and unwind from various stresses. Escapism and partying came at a much later date. I was also sprung one night by my dad and he just told me to put it all away and the topic never came up again.

When i moved out of home i dressed occassionaly, but not to my first wife's enjoyment :eek:

Later on i just dressed for my own enjoyment, going from day wear to night wear, lazily having relaxing baths and tryiung new make-up :D

These days i moved when i found a new girl, dont really feel so stressed to want to dress up much, as well as giving away most of my wardrobe :eek: gods what a shock that was.

Anyway, drop me a line if you would like to talk some time

eleventhdr
04-07-2004, 07:06 AM
I am so sorry i was trying to log back on here last might but for some reason now my passsword and name were deleted i do not know what did happen but I think for now i am back on here with a new password and all of that etc et all. I was booted last night and when i tryed to come back on i was locked out for some reason which i do not understand at all it was vry weird I had just joined on last week or so so can not imagine what might have happened with that oh well anyway after trying everthing i could last nigth i do seem to have been restored for now i certainly do hope so anyway. So what I was about to do last night when all of this did happen was to respone to you post about internal battle. I certainly can understand your problem as i do have a kind of simalar problem myself you do see I have a dad who was and is still a doctor but you do see his own bedside manner to his pwn family is just appaling he is kind of a violent man very set in his ways and this makes it very difficult to get along. I am very sure that nowdays this is a very commen problem but this does not excuse this kind of behavior at or by anymeans it just perpetuates this kind of problem down through the generations which is not good at all. It is not suppose to be this way at all. So you see I have had to find ways to escape this myself so i have done so with scifi music history and of course being male cd which I am so very glad that I have found at long last it did take me a very long time to find it and myself that I had a feminine side that needed to bve expressed and come out the girl inside you do see. And I now know that there is nothing wrong with being this way it is really a plus and an advantage that most males just do not or will not ackowledge at all which is a very shame because it is rerally for the better that one does know this and admit that males do have this as as been discovered all life begins as female and it is the male sex which is really secondary. So wanting to dress and or be a girl is really quite the norm and there is nothing wrong whatsoever about or wanting to be a girl it si quite really the only way. And I for one od admit that I am really a girl inside and do wish to be able to dress very much more but am pervented right now from doing so as I live next door to my brother and al of that etc et all. which does make it kind of difficult to do just this so i must be content tto dress when I can which is not nearly enough for me I would much rather dress all of the time or as much as I could and be my girlhood self girlish self it is as i do say the only way as females are you see really the superior sex and have it all over males in oh so many ways. So who would not want to be a girl i sure would in a minute the whole concept is so apealling I just wish I had been born female instead as I have been in many more past lives then i have vbeen male and from what i can recall form those past lives it is so much better to be female one can only imagine. As i say i would trade off in a minute to be a girl once again. So anyway I am all with you in this and can relate as i say. I do hope you can understand as well and I hope you will post again on here back to me and maybe email me as well so we can be girlfriends and sisters. So anyway for now Thank's for listening do hope to hear back from you very soon. Jay Suzy Ann Femm Name

Vivian Best
05-03-2004, 06:39 PM
Hi,

I'm quite a bit older than you but I went through many(wasn't caught) of the trials, torment, questioning myself, wondering why, and many many emotions too numerous to mention. I questioned whether I should have been female, was my gender a mistake, was I headed for surgery, why was I the only male that loved women's clothes. Was I the only one in the world? On and on the questions went. I spent, hours, days, weeks, months and years worrying, fretting, questioning, wondering going in circles and getting no where. I know I was depressed. I was to ashamed to get help even if it was available.

I started dressing in the late 1940s and there was absolutely no information available to help me find out what, who, why, how. The Internet wasn't invented. Sexual Reassignment Surgery was a novelty. I couldn't find out anything. One thing I didn't even know where to start looking. So I went on with my life as best as I could all the time wondering why. I tried many times to quit dressing, probably thousands of times. Finally, I reached a point where I just couldn't go on anymore, I had to have some resolution to my torment.

I finally came to the conclusion that I had just two choices; one was to accept myself with all my faults and excess baggage or quit dressing and accept that as final. I thought long and hard about those options. I finally said that I loved to dress and it was part of my life and I wanted to continue doing it and that I was no longer going to blame, condemn myself or consider myself some type of freak. I was going to be a man that loves to wear women's clothes. I was able to accept myself and tell myself that I was OK. It was OK to be like I was.

Gradually, I became aware there were others like me that did the same thing as I did. Boy, was I relieved, there were others just like me. Then the Internet came into existance and opened up a whole world of information, some good and some bad.

I never had to deal with being caught by a parent. However, I had other issues with my parents. I had other things that effected me deeply as your father affected you. I kept the ill feelings for many years. I resented them deeply. Slowly with time I was able to heal. I realized they were both uneducated simple people and didn't know what they were doing.

I do not know but suspect that your father's reaction was his way of trying to "make a man out of you". He probably didn't know what else to do. You didn't mention what happened after the experience. I hope that he didn't continue to bring the incident up and continue to try to embarrass and humilitate you. That incident made a horrible impression on a very young mind.

I'm not a doctor and certainly not an expert but I hope that you are able to put that incident behind you. There is nothing you can do about it now, you can't change it, your father can't change it right or wrong. What happened has happened and nothing can change that. You have to make a decision to go on with your life. Please, please forgive and forget! Let go and let healing begin.....

I hope this helps in some small way.

Vivian

silent
06-16-2004, 05:21 AM
Brian,
I so know those feelings that you have. Ain't it a bitch. I'm still coming to terms with it but am so much happier about it these days. Look at how you feel when dressed. What does it do to your psyche. That depression of yours, in some way is it lifted???? Even just for a moment when you forget about the world's view of crossdressing. Is there a sense of relief in any of it?

My experience in this was realising that I was trying to be someone whom I am not. I was trying to fit a mould that does not fit nor does it agree with me. Others might expect this of you for their own comfort but the side affects of it can be negative. As a man through and through I am a complete prick. I wear lingerie to work now days and people enjoy being around me and working with me. They may not know what I am wearing but the internal tranquility that it brings affects those around me and in turn I benefit from their responses. If you want to be completely open you need to build strength in yourself first. Alot of strength. And then there are those that just don't "need" to know such as your parents by the sound of it. What we do doesn't really hurt anyone but there are people out there that are relying on you to maintain a part of their reality. Take taht away and it will hurt them though that doesn't need to be your burden. Of course, for the ones we love sometimes we make those sacrifices. And sometimes our needs have to come first.
Remember, guilt and shame can only come from others first. Without others to indicate it there is no guilt and shame. You don't own that guilt and shame so you can stop carrying it. You could realise that you are more than what people perceive you to be. The fact that you live and breath, that you do exist basiclly gives you the right to be who you are. And keep this in your mind. Your not hurting anyone, not really. You have your reality and you are NOT responsible for upholding other people's reality.

HillaryArtemis
07-28-2004, 06:37 PM
You know if it wasn't depression over this it was depression over that or something else ... blah blah blah. I been living with this demon in my life for many years - he haunts both my mother and fathers' sides of the family. Being a CD was just a convient way to come to terms with how I could or could not cure depression. But you know what, either way there would be more depression over something else than. I agree that dressing makes you feel better, so do it. Put it all on and look beautiful. It is great to be both - those good feelings chase away that bad demon.



Let you hair down girl, you got company when it comes to the D-emon.

JodiArtemis

Scaredsis
08-01-2004, 06:20 PM
Brian,

I think we all have those feelings. The other girls have said it quite well so I will not jabber on. Just try and remember that if it feels good do it. We do !!

Hugs,
Betty :D

clarissa3d
08-01-2004, 07:59 PM
Hi, as we all have had this at some point a question of is this right or wrong and why me?
I am 41 years old and have the balance leaning very hard to the femme from the age of 5 years old. I have purge more times than I can count. I have been stressed to the point of serious thought of ending my life. (WRONG)
My family has very strong male types and I am considered the peice of the puzzle that does not go with the family puzzle. I found my self at the age of 5 knowing something just was not right. I did not feel comfortable in my boy clothes and strangly drawn towards my a more femme role.
I liked to play house and dressup. I liked to do all the normal little girl things. The boys in the neighborhood and I never matched as what to play or do.
As the years rolled through my life I have been a loner not liking parties or hanging with the guys as it where.

Depression, sadness, confussion would hit me like a ton of bricks and I would not understand why. I tried many times to fit the male role and not think about the femme me. Yea right that would last about 2 or 3 days and some urge would over wealm me like a title wave and I would feel wrong again.

Brian at this point in my life I still dont have the answers to really why but I have found there are so many ways that I have accepted that I am a true blend of both female and male. It is apart of the natural normal balance. This has been around for hundreds of years and we are just now starting to understand that there is a gray area of mental and fisical road.

We just happen to be right in the middle of the female / male road. Fisically we may have a male body but we have a stronger female mental state. This is NOT bad it is normal!.
To help you with the emotional part is to talk and share with others that feel the same.
keep in mind you are loved and we do care. You are special and have the ability to understand both sides of male female thing if you wish.

Clarissa :p
Have a great day and make it your own

KewTnCurvy GG
08-02-2004, 06:37 PM
(((((HUGS))))) Clarissa

I would imagine this is hard. I like my men a bit more feminine but have dated mostly middle of the road guys (gender wise--mostly toned down masculinity). I recently went out with a man who is quite feminine in nature and was very attracted to him. But we had sex too soon and he says he's not over his ex. I want to talk with him about his female side, but sense it's way too early. So, for now, we talk. Anyhow, I feel for all men and women who have not been accepted because of their sexual preference/orientation or gender. Shame on us (society, their families, friends and communities) for not accepting and loving them as they are.

jeanette
08-02-2004, 11:19 PM
Hi Brian
I can understand how you feel but hey dont fight it accept it and you will be really suprised how great it can be because it will be the real you who you really are. Also i see you are from adelaide snap so am I so we need all the aussie support we can get so if you want to chat love to hear from you

see ya