PDA

View Full Version : I can,t get out!!



Deborah Jane
09-28-2007, 12:47 PM
Hiya everyone. I,think i may need help with this:o I just can,t get myself to leave the house dressed femme!! I,ve been in the back garden en femme a few times and really enjoyed it, but when i get to the front door i just freeze and can,t force myself out:(. My daughter has seen me dressed up and says i look good, also my mum says the same [ignore my avatar pic, it was taken 9 months ago and i,ve done a lot of work since then lol ]. I think a lot of the problem is that i get very self consious and then loose confidence when i reach the front door. I.ve read so many times on here that getting out and about is fun,but i think i,m never going to experience it!! What is the secret to getting out?? Any tips would be much appreciated:hugs: Debs

Mitch23
09-28-2007, 01:00 PM
It's a bit like standing on a high diving board - very hard to throw yourself off. Give yourself a focus, make it a small one - I'm going to post a letter or something like that - I'm not going to engage with anyone. Next time make it a slightly bigger step. Get one of them to walk with you perhaps? remember - baby steps

mitch

JoAnnDallas
09-28-2007, 01:10 PM
It is a matter of confidence. some girls start out going outside at night. Others do it by going for a drive in their car. Many years ago I would go out late at night. Then in 2005 I went out in the daylight. I will say the first time IS the hardest, but once you do go out, you will you out more and more.

Kathleen Ann Trees
09-28-2007, 01:15 PM
I'm all talk here, as I have no experience in my suggestion, but what about finding someone to go out with you? You might research if there are gurls anywhere near you? What about Mum or daughter? Might they help?

Good luck. I see a bright future for you very soon. (i.e. sun on your face!)
Kathleen Ann

Veronica Fallon
09-28-2007, 01:58 PM
Hi Deborah,

I'm brand new to going out myself, so I know how you feel. It took me a long time to work up to it. I needed a very safe environment for my first time, so I went to a local Tri-ESS meeting & met several sisters for a very supportive evening. I don't know what support groups there are on your side of the pond, but that might be a good solution for you too. In spite of it being fully accepting & only "semi-public", I was still a nervous wreck for most of it. But near the end I was able to relax just a bit & finally feel the femininity which usually flows so naturally, but which I'd lost due to the fearful stress. Once I discovered how lovely it felt to be my feminine self with others, I wanted to feel more of it, which led to my feeling brave enough to stop at a convenience store on the way home. I was again "shocked" with fear as I went through the door, but forced myself to follow through with it anyway. I actually passed with the clerk which gave me lots of validating confidence & put me on cloud nine. It left me wanting more!

My second time out was last weekend- another meeting, followed by joining a few sisters at some local T-girl & gay clubs. Now that was an experience!! I'll spare the details but to say that it was like the difference between just wearing panties, & the first time fully dressed & all made-up. I've been high from it all week & still can't find words to express it properly.

I was lucky enough at one club to have met a quite experienced & very confident sister who I've been told knows most every T-girl in the area (& there are lots here!) & all the club owners/managers. Apparently she is very popular in the community. She said she wants to take me out & show me some other T-friendly clubs & a few regular public places as well. I'd still be too scared to do that on my own, but by borrowing some of her confidence, I think I can handle it.

The point in all this long story is that my way of stepping out is to start where I feel at least a little safe, & then to take baby steps further out of my closet, each time pushing a bit beyond my comfort-zone, but not too far to prevent me from enjoying it. The whole point for me is to fully experience & take pleasure in myself as a woman. There's nothing like actually interacting in public to help me feel that validated as a female. It makes me tingle just thinking about it!! :heehee:

Going out in full public like a mall or a family restaurant during the daytime is another thing altogether, & something I'll have to work up to for a long while yet- still tooo scary for me! :worried::nailbiting:
I might even never feel comfortable with that, who knows? All I know for sure is that it'll be worth my effort to find out!

So my humble advice?
Just find a starting point you feel a lil' comfortable with, & then proceed with whatever baby-steps work for you. There's no way around the fear, you have to move through it, but the rewards will be well worth it, & it will get easier. Just remember to try your best to really feel the good stuff, & above all, to use common sense & keep yourself safe!!

Please feel free to PM me if you want, & please keep us posted on how you're doing with it. The world awaits you girl, good luck!!! :cheer:


Hopeful Hugz,

Veronica

Rita Knight
09-28-2007, 02:30 PM
Hi Deborah Jane,
Since I presume you live in the UK, have you ever considered joining the Beaumont Society? Their website can be found here: http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/ I have always been told that the environment at their meetings is very similar to Tri-Ess in the USA. If you want, you probably could attend some meetings in boy mode to see what it is like. If they have a chapter near you, I strongly suggest you look into it.

KimberlyS
09-28-2007, 02:32 PM
IMHO, if you really want to get out you will. If you are not ready or do not want to go out, then wait or do not go out. Not all CDers want or need to get out to express their self.

Now nerves is a different subject. My first time going out it took me about 20 minutes and I do not know how many checks in the mirror and checks for my room card. Since then I just open the door and go out.

I am sure it would help to have someone go with you. But I did not have some one to hold my hand or pull me out the door when I first started going out and seldom have had someone with me. Most of my going out has been on my own.

annekathleen
09-28-2007, 02:35 PM
Here's how I'm gonna do it:
I'm going to put on a sexy pair of panties and a pair of womens jeans.
I'm going to put on a pair of black high heel boots.
I'm gonna put on a pretty bra with my biggest breastforms, and pull on a
white, tight fitting, turtle neck shirt, put on my blonde wig, and....
go out in the garage, put on my motorcycle helmet (dark visor)
jump on my motorcycle and ride around the local towns and villages.
Let everyone think they're seeing a woman on a motorcycle.
Just gotta sneak out of the garage. and back into the garage
without the neighbors noticing.

janet1234
09-28-2007, 02:44 PM
but try to find a fellow CD in West Sussex or a GG to go out with.

Veronica Fallon
09-28-2007, 02:45 PM
Hi again Deborah,

I asked basically the same thing as you not too long ago & got many gracious responses. Hopefully you'll find something of help here:
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=66954

Peace, Luv, & Warm Feet,

Veronica

Deborah Jane
09-28-2007, 03:03 PM
Thanks everyone for the response. It was mentioned a couple of times about getting my mum or daughter to come with me, it,s a nice idea but i wouldn,t want either of them to face the embarressment if i got "made"! I need to do this for myself, just to prove i can do it. Hopefully, then i will be able to enjoy this side of me even more and maybe even go shopping,etc:D:D

paulaN
09-28-2007, 03:09 PM
A friend would be the biggest help. Someone said focus on something small (good tip). A drive is easy, all you have to do is get to your car and you will be in a secure and comfortable place. Please just do it. I don't think you will regret it. Once you get your wings....... well...... wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Marcie Sexton
09-28-2007, 03:17 PM
The comparison to being on the diving board is pretty good, better yet, when I was in jump school, I ask myself why I wanted to jump out of a perfectly good air plane...

Because I could, why would you go out the front door, because you can...

Take that step girl and enjoy life...:2c:

gail price
09-28-2007, 04:15 PM
Hi Deborah. It's not easy to go through that invisible barrier at the front door that lies between you and the outside world. I have a front door that is overlooked by everyone and it took a lot of time to get out that door. Now I have been out so many times I can't stop going out.

I can promise you that once you have gone out you will wonder what all the fuss was about.

I don't live far from you and i have been on brighton sea front a few times dressed and wow! I may have been read a couple of times but it was no big deal it was just a double glance and walk on.

So go for it girl walk on out

Fab Karen
09-28-2007, 04:45 PM
Pick a time when you'll feel most comfortable ( like at night, when less neighbors would see you- eventually when you get used to coming & going, you'll reach a point when you can do it in daylight). Also it's a bit like going out dressed in a (man's )suit that happens to be bright red. You're dressed in bright red, but you're still otherwise doing what you normally do.
One other thing: Stop using language like "I CAN'T get out." Say "I have been afraid of getting out." Reprogram your thinking.

Deborah Jane
09-28-2007, 04:47 PM
Thanks for supporting me everyone...I,m going to try again this weekend!! I intend to beat this somehow!!

RobertaFermina
09-28-2007, 04:59 PM
I didn't edit this, so it may be flawed, but it is certainly from the heart. Hope it helps!

Everyone is different, Debora Jane, so here's my :2c:

I feel the fear at the threshhold, and then I back a way.
Finally, after doing this any number of times I realize that I am keeping myself in a box...and that box is enforced by my fear of what others think...and further complicated by what I make up about what those who think the worst may DO....It is a never ending spiral of disaster.

The truth is I will be #*@!^^'d if I stay in (lonely, unrealized, pent-up, self-critical) and #*$%~!'d if I go out (exposed, vulnerable, attacked?).

That is all the result of negative thinking...

Finally I get MAD at my negative thinking and anyone who's behavior would validate it. I am making my own prison, and (imaginary) others are cooperating by acting like guards and wardens.

Finally I think about the joys of being free and being myself that I don't get to have.

I get a little madder.

It gets to be too much, and I JUST DO IT, cause I'm too pissed off to LIVE IN FEAR. I'll avoid, outfox, or face, or clobber anyone who makes it a point to get in my way, even my own cowardice.

Simply put...I get afraid, I get mad at being afraid, I get mad about the joys I'm Killing by holding back, and I JUST DO IT, cause I DESERVE the joys of being who I am.

Watch out World Cause HERE I COME.

:rose: Hulk in an Evening Gown! :rose:

Deborah Jane
09-28-2007, 05:10 PM
Roberta...I,m getting close to that point..Part of my problem is how i could react to abuse or insults....i don,t know how i,d handle it...It may be better if i don,t go out...But i need to, just to prove to myself i can!!

DonnaT
09-28-2007, 05:22 PM
There's good advice here. Sometimes, small steps are needed, like stepping out the front door at night, when no one is around to see you. Then maybe getting in a car at night, preferably the same night you step outside. Then drive to a petrol station and using your bank card, make a purchase.

So far so good. You are on your way.

Sometimes a friend may be needed to help you through that front door. There are a good number of TGs in Sussex, I know this for a fact. Many are on a UK based forum.

Now, ask yourself, what are you afraid of. A number of TGs have had similar fears, only to realize, once they got out, the fears were irrational.

Your life is your own, so own it, completely.

1975 is the first time I went out enfemme. Did it in the daylight, and took a long walk. I figured most everyone was gone, and at work, so that lessoned the number who would see me. And I knew I passed, so if anyone did see me, they'd see a lady.

Your mom and daughter wouldn't lie to you. They say you'll pass, so you'll pass. Think positive about that. This means in the daylight, so imagine how easy it will be at night, should you go that route.

Michelle04240
09-28-2007, 06:36 PM
Put one foot in front of the other....and soon you'll be walking out the door.

Sorry. That song popped in my head for some reason.

My first time out went pretty easy. I had a friend who lived a block away from the bar I was going to. I got dressed there, mostly to avoid getting out of a house full of kids. The bar is a gay bar and it was a drag show night. It was pretty easy to walk out the door knowing I was not going to be alone for long.

Melinda G
09-28-2007, 10:52 PM
I think most of us are too hard on ourselves. Probably afraid of being called Gay, or wierd. Truth is, most people don't care. Most people are so wrapped up in themselves and what they are doing, that they don't even notice us. And even if someone does think maybe you are a guy, they aren't going to do anything. And if you are wearing the wig and makup, they won't know who you are, even if they do figure out that you aren't a woman. "Oh look. It's Fred from accounting, in a dress". Not gonna happen.:D

deniese0967
09-28-2007, 11:45 PM
I have as well been trying to get out of the closet as well but with no success the most that I have been able to go is walk down the road that I live on !!:(
I also have been trying to meet somebody that is the same as we are to meet and talk to as well after getting to know one another!!:o
Gust to hold shirt tail and help with the getting out into the real world for the first time in for ever!!!!!:heehee:
I wouldn't consider it like a dating thing but a compainion to help with the open door from the closet:happy:

Angie G
09-28-2007, 11:51 PM
Your avatar looks good so just go to the door take a deep breath open the door and go dont think about it just do it :hugs:
Angie

Sally2005
09-29-2007, 12:52 AM
What you need to do is set a goal. For instance, decide to go for a drive to a specific place then remind yourself that it is no problem. Or take a smaller step and proove to yourself that you can do it. Like others said, baby steps.

Other ways are to leave your keys in the car and lock the front door behind you so that you are forced to go to the car before being able to get back inside. Or, ask your daughter to push you out the door ... also, one shot of alcohol might help.

My Lady Marsea
09-29-2007, 01:45 AM
You might try going out not total en femme. Tone it down to basic girl jeans and maybe a V neck top. Just go out and you will see how much nobody even notices. Be sure to walk with confidence, look each passing person in the eye and take a I don't care what complete strangers think of me attitude.:tongueout. I guarantee within a hour you'll feel on top of the world. Next time add a nice wig so you look like a tomboy and maybe some flat sandles. At this point no one will notice you and if they did you'd just be another girl out and around with no makeup or flash. Very acceptable. This is how I did it and got more femme as I went. Now I go out every day and just do my daily day to day stuff. Today I wore white jeans with lots of pink & silver embroidery, a pink blouse with the white tee shirt look under it,pink belt,white heels,white sholder bag (purse), shoulder length wig, make up, long silver dangler ear rings, two rings, diamond band watch, toe rings, A big diamond letter M necklace, french manicure nails.(I'm a flash & some trash girl LOL). I went to the drivers license dept, my bank, a movie, Bath & Body to visit my favorite SA to talk about movie, Dillards to try out the makeup and perfume, Target to get a tweezers (for those hairs you want to pluck while out that you did not see earlier) and the gas station. Even had another girl come into the restroom at the movie. A little small talk asking what show I saw (and my voice is not even passable but the girls either don't get it or don't care LOL). This is a daily thing and YOU CAN DO IT GIRL. You just have to start simple and blend in. As each time or two goes you will get sooo much confidence it will amaze you. I have stored sooo much good thoughts in me that those occasional times you "know" you've been read, you just flash a bigger smile:D and keep going. Start simple and grow (go) from there. :hugs:

Deborah Jane
09-29-2007, 07:21 AM
Thankyou everyone for your support and good advice:happy: This evening i,m going to have another try, using some advice i got from here. I will go out wearing girly jeans, knee length boots, a pale lemon jumper and subtle makeup. Obviously i will also wear bra [with forms], panties and tights[pantyhose]....I will also wear a wig,i just haven,t decided whether to wear my chestnut blond bob or my wavy shoulder lenght brunette!! Thanks and wish me luck....I will let you know what happens later..good or bad!

Rita B
09-29-2007, 07:46 AM
I know what you mean hun. My wife is on vacation and I have the whole house to myself except that the kids and grandkids live next door and pop in unannounced at any time. I am planning on going out to a TG club next Saturday night. In the meantime what I was thinking of doing was renting a room in a motel close to a mall, take all my clothes, make up, and my camera and be myself to my heart's content. I think that it is what Karen does because I don't think that her wife lets her dress at home. On the other hand, I think she just changes in a phone booth. (just kidding Karen). In any event I think that it would be worth the cost just to have the privacy and the opportunity to be Rita for a while.:hugs:

Chantelle CD
09-29-2007, 01:17 PM
The first time i thought i was going to die!! But realized that at a distance, i can blend in good, and you prolly can too :) as long as you dont dress to attract attention, like overly sexy ect, try to be just one of the girls :)

Realize you are going to get had, its really not a big deal, most wont say anything to your face, and if they do...dont let it bother you, smile a warm smile at them and leave it at that, if you get your feathers all in a ruffel, you get in trouble, so just smile a nice smile and talk nicley to them. You will get had, even the best of the best will.

Just keep your eyes out, and avoid the people that look like trouble ie.. rough neck men, group of young girls...ect, and you will be fine, and remember, all dressed up you wont be recognizable, so who cares :)

Also, look for TG friendly places to go to, like drag shows, bars that are TG friendly in your area, its not to hard to get to the car and drive to a place like that, and once your there its all just fun :)

I went to a big mall once and was packed, i was had about 15% of the time, but was in 4 inch heals and like 6'7'' tall lol, i felt so nervious, that gave me away the most, once the fear is gone, you can do more and more as time goes on, start small, avoid close contact with people, untill you are more comphy. just watch out for the basher types, see them before they see you, and all is good, so what if you get had, just smile at them, and dont let it bother you, once you get past that first real fear of going out the door, and you see how you can blend in at a distance, the fear goes away, and there ya are, all girly out and about :)

Ruth
09-29-2007, 03:57 PM
Deborah Jane, PM me, I am in West Sussex. I am no expert but have been out 3 times with no problems. I may have some ideas for you.

Lisa Golightly
09-29-2007, 04:11 PM
There's no real secret... I guess you just reach a... how can I put it... a non-event horizon... ;)

julianna1984
09-29-2007, 08:39 PM
dont feel bad i wont even open the door to look outside

Lauren Richards
09-29-2007, 10:53 PM
Deborah,
Hoping your first small step out the door went well. Looking forward to hearing all about it.

Lauren

My Lady Marsea
09-29-2007, 11:03 PM
You Go Girl.....I'm sure you will be just fine. Be sure to let us know how and what you did. Wish I were there to go with you, but I'll be there in spirt.

Deborah Jane
09-30-2007, 04:01 AM
Hi all, just a quick update as i don,t know if it counts!! I got as far as my car...50 yards down the drive!! Does that count as a 1st step?? I personally think i need to go further!! BTW I felt good after!!

Amanda Shaft
09-30-2007, 04:51 AM
Well done! The first steps the big one!
Hugs Amanda x

Rita B
09-30-2007, 06:35 AM
I used to go out as Rita all the time, but that was almost twenty years ago. Now that I have come out of the closet, I find myself manufacturing one excuse after another for not going out again as Rita. Some of the excuses are well grounded but many are not. It seems like there is always someting extra I need before I am ready to make my debut. Also I had set a weight goal for myself before going out. I think I will have to trash that goal if I am ever to go out. With my wife's approval I recently joined Tiffany Club of New England. I have been dying to go to one of their gatherings. Well my target date is October 6.

My wife is out of town but her daughter and family live right next door, heck they practically live over here. Would you believe that at my age I have to give them a "story" as to why I will be out probably until midnight on that day.

I have also toyed with the idea of just getting a hotel room nearby to change into Rita although they say they have "changing" rooms and makeup facilities. Either way, I am doing it. Oh heck, I forgot to get some fake nails.

Rita B:hugs:

Lauren Richards
09-30-2007, 10:04 AM
Yes, it counts. A wonderful first step. Each step you take, even those to the side or the occasional step back, eventually take you where you want to go.

Although thinking of where you can go is exciting, the other thing to remember is to enjoy the place you are right now. Sounds like you are, and that you have loving support from your daughter. Most wonderful.

Lauren

Kaitlyn Michele
09-30-2007, 10:28 AM
deborah...

all i can say is once you go out and nobody bites your head off you will unable to stay in!!!

the thing i find about going out is that i lose myself in my activities and thoughts and i feel so complete its really like nothing else..

i hope you do it!!!

it really is a very low risk proposition and remember you are doing this for YOU!!!! not for someone else...

have fun
michele

Mitch23
09-30-2007, 10:58 AM
Hi all, just a quick update as i don,t know if it counts!! I got as far as my car...50 yards down the drive!! Does that count as a 1st step?? I personally think i need to go further!! BTW I felt good after!!
well done sweetie - first baby steps and didn't it feel good - next one will be a bit bigger!

Mitch

TxKimberly
09-30-2007, 01:20 PM
LOL So this means you are just like the majority of us. I remember years of going to the hotel room door with my heart pounding. Just opening the door would cause my heart to race so fast I was sureeveryone in the building could hear it. I would wait until 2 or 3 AM and then sneak 5 or 6 feet down the hall and run like hell to get back in the room if I heard someone coming.
The trick is to reach the point where you really realize that it doesn't matter what people you don't know think about you. Who cares if someone you dont know sees you and might know that your a guy dressed as a woman? Assuming your going out somewhere besides right where you live, he isn't going to know you, isn't going to call the cops on you, doesn't write your review at work - why care if he thinks its odd that a stranger is dressed as a woman? When you really "get" this, you will be free to go out. :-)

TxKimberly
09-30-2007, 01:21 PM
Hi all, just a quick update as i don,t know if it counts!! I got as far as my car...50 yards down the drive!! Does that count as a 1st step?? I personally think i need to go further!! BTW I felt good after!!

Of course that counts as a first step, and those are the hardest. Congrats! :-)