PDA

View Full Version : lost and confused



confused99
10-02-2007, 09:53 AM
Hi Everybody,

I've been lurking around these groups for a few days, trying to pluck up the courgage to actually post!

I've been CD'ing for quite some time, I've certainly got a kick out of wearing panties and stockings for at least the last 10 years, although all of this secretly. Reading these forums, I realised that I'm not alone, and what's more, I realise that I've been doing what everbody else has been doing, that is purging at least every 6 months, with a "Right, that's the last time" commitment. Of course, a few months later something happens, such as seeing an amazing pair of shoes, or a sexy outfit and it all starts again, this time stronger. Then there's the shame and guilt that goes with it.

In my male mode, I'm very much a man (and happy in that role). For example, I don't show my emotions, but sometimes I wish I didn't have to play the hard man/protector image.

Over the last few days my SO has made jokes about me possibly wearing her underwear, and when I said, OK then, she didn't seem to mind. I've even shaved my legs (Nothing really to do with CD'ing I just like it), but she didn't flinch. With this in mind I decided now might be a good time to 'fess up, reading these posts certainly gave me the push. We sat down on the sofa to have The Talk, but I didn't get very far before she starting looking at me with wide eyes and looked like she was going to freak. I left it there.

So now I'm in this strange situation where she knows, but we don't talk about it, in fact she just said, well "don't do it then". I wish it was that easy, and sometimes I wish I could remove these feelings, but in strange way, I enjoy them (maybe that's the nature of addiction).

The strange thing is that after telling her I was suddenly shocked into the 'real world', and I started thinking "dressing up all sounds so silly in the cold light of the day, why on earth did I tell her?". Part of me wishes I hadn't, but it's very tiring keeping everything secret, making sure everything is back to normal before she gets home, worrying about whether she'll find something, etc, etc.

All I know is that these strange feelings are getting stronger!

Sorry for going on a bit, my head is a bit of a mess at the moment, and these forums give my closet a bit of a window to let some air in.

Brenda's Friend
10-02-2007, 10:20 AM
I'm in a very simular situation. My wife found out many many years ago. She hated it very much, and she believes that I had stopped. I did for many years, but the urge was there all the time. This past year I have dressed more than I had ever done in the past. I have even gotten bold enough to get my own stuff. But, I am struggling. Do I love my wife? Yes, Yes, YES! Why do I do this? I haven't got a clue. I don't want to be a girl. I have never wanted to be a girl. I don't act like a girl when I am dressed. I don't have a female name. But still I go into the shadows and dress, and when I dress, I want to go all the way. And after oggling myself, I too think it is all very silly, and I look funny. But I still have the urge.

You are not alone.

What a crazy world we live in.

Cheers,

Brinda's Friend

Kate Simmons
10-02-2007, 10:35 AM
Welcome to the Forum my friend and thank you for sharing your feelings. We've all been there several times it seems. Even now, when I've finally accepted this in my self after about a zillion years waffling about it, it seems silly sometimes when I think about it and I'll think to myself:"What am I nuts?":rolleyes:That would answer my question as to why all the squirrels hang around my place other than gathering food for the Winter.
Seriously though, I'm glad you feel comfortable talking about it and that is why most of us are here really to gain understanding of ourselves and others. It's not easy if not impossible to pin down "why" we do it because there is no single reason. Suffice it to say it exists and is not going away any time soon, so may as well make the best of it. A lot of it is about who we are as a person and it seems like attempting to take it away would tend to make us less of one.
The bottom line is that we share common feelings and here, at least, have others to share them with and most of the folks here are "smarter than the av-er-age bear" to quote Yogi and will give you the straight "scoop" and it's about people being people. It's always great to have another new friend to talk to in any case.:happy:

Michelle04240
10-02-2007, 10:37 AM
First off I think you did the right thing in telling her. If she found out any other way it could have been ugly. Second thing...don't purge. I know sounds easy, put it away, lock it up, but don't purge, you will undoubtedly regret it. The desire to dress are not likely to go away....ever.

Where to go from here? I'd say lay off it, as far as she knows, and let it sink in a bit. A lot of people here have said their wives took it hard at first, then came around to some degree.

When she wants to talk reassure her you are not gay, don't want an operation, and are still the same person no matter the clothes...assuming you are not gay or want an operation that is :P

Take is slow my friend, and good luck.

DonnaT
10-02-2007, 10:41 AM
First, it's not an addiction. At least for most of us. It is a way to satisfy that transgendered urge that we are born with. And it can get stronger as we grow older, many have testified to this fact. And many have said that the denial seems to have made it stronger in later years.

Like there's this woman fighting to get out and instead of tiring of the fight, she gets stronger.

That's when mistakes happen and people get caught, or tell when they've kept it secret so long.

Might I ask, why did your wife suggest you wear her panties? She may have been joking, but there had to be some reason for her to make the suggestion. If you can explore this reason with her, then maybe she can come around to being more accepting or understanding.

kassandra richard
10-02-2007, 11:32 AM
Well confused, welcome to the club. Finally came out to my wife after my 40th birthday when she caught me reading this forum. Somewhat unlike your wife, mine is not happy about my shaved legs or other body parts (all but my legs are growing out again :() My wife has asked me what it would take for me to stop and the easy answer is that there are no easy answers. She gets really creeped out by the idea of me wearing her clothes, but that's easily fixed because I don't have any of her clothes -- I have mine now. And I agree in principle that purging is not a means to stopping as I've purged probably three times over the last number of years.

Anyway, again welcome to the club.

Kassandra

Michelle (Oz)
10-02-2007, 12:05 PM
If it wasn't for the internet I'd never have gotten to understand that I am so alike many other people. It has taken me a lot of reading on the internet to make sense of who and what I am, and to come to accept that I am not doing anything wrong, I enjoy dressing and going out in public, and it provides a high and a stress reliever.

My wife knows that I dress but would prefer that I didn't. We have reached a level of understanding and tolerance but I don't push it on her. I have had to accept that it will be a part of me that we generally won't share. It is better that I dress when travelling than at home so as not to force her to confront my dressing.

I expect that my dressing will always be work-in-progress with my wife. In the meantime, I have come to accept that my dressing is an integral part of me and not an addiction or disease.

You need to do the hard yards in understanding yourself before you can deal with the fears and rejection of those closest to you. There are a number of good websites that can assist you.

Michelle (Oz)

JulieC
10-02-2007, 12:19 PM
Echo what others have said above.

Your feelings are entirely normal, and most of us have been through the same thoughts and emotions.

Strong word of advice; stop the guilt cycle. Now. It is extremely unlikely that you could ever stop crossdressing and make it a thing of your past. I know of no success stories doing that. The mode you are currently in is one of self denial, guilt, and self-anger.

Is it silly to dress up in women's clothes when you're a guy? To some people, yes. But you're not 'some people'. You are you. Start accepting yourself for you. You're not a freak. You're not strange. You're not suffering from an addiction. You're not sick, perverted, demented, damage goods, etc. You are simply you. Transgenderism is something you are born with.

Consider this; if transgenderism wasn't something you are born with, why would anyone do it? Why would anyone willingly become a crossdresser, have to hide in the closet from the closest of family and friends, live in fear of discovery, go through guilt cycles, purges, self hatred, and more for the sake of ...clothes? What? That doesn't make sense.

Accept yourself first. Stick around on these forums. Learn from those who have been down the same road you are on. Research. Listen to yourself. Discover what you are. Once you stop hating yourself, it becomes a LOT easier for someone close to you to accept you as you. If you hate yourself for being this way, it is hardly surprising you'd find negative reactions in those you tell.

The secret's out of the bag with your wife. Let it go for now, and work on yourself. Dress when you can and want to, and stop feeling guilty about it. Stop purging; you're just wasting money and effort and causing yourself emotional harm in the process.

cherry
10-02-2007, 12:50 PM
I agree that it should be left for a time, ideally that she will bring it up first. I think you should read our advice but remember that we are only talking from our own perspectives. Do what is right for you, only you will know that.
If you get to that next step of her accepting and even agreeing boundaries, I reckon you should take what you get offered [gratefully] and without telling her, take a little step back from the boundary that she has offered. I have a few friends that have lost what sympathy they had by overstepping the boundary.
If you get it - respect it!
Good luck!

Sandygal
10-02-2007, 02:55 PM
you have made a huge step by telling her. Now you are at a place many of us seem to flounder in. The I know what you do, but lets not talk about it stage. I have been there for 2 years and it makes you crazy. She is hoping it will go away and your wanting it to be more open.

danam
10-02-2007, 04:22 PM
Threads like these really get to me, because I know that I am not alone.

One reason I don't tell my wife is that, if she did know about it, she would be very upset at the TIME INVOLVED!! She thinks I'm studying or otherwise working on those occasions when I'm actually CDing. We have so many domestic responsibilities right now, I might face more guilt from avoiding chores at home (cleaning the gutters, mowing the lawn, spraying for bugs, etc., etc. ) than the actual CD aspect.

One tip: take lots of pictures and look at them later when you need a quick "fix". This helps me minimize my time actually dressed. Of course, you'll have to learn some tricks on keeping your computer secure--but then, hey! You will learn something productive as a result of CDing. Lord knows that my photoshop skills and computer security knowledge have increased dramatically this past year!!

confused99
10-02-2007, 04:41 PM
Thanks everybody for your advice, it's just nice to know that I'm not alone! I'm not entirely sure that my SO will ever really accept this part of me, and for that reason I'm certainly not going to push it any further just yet (although I am impatient!).

I've tried explaining that I'm not gay, and don't actually want to become a woman, and that it's really just clothes at the end of the day, but she just answers with "I married a man, not a girl", and that's about where the conversation ended. The reason I wish to some degree that I hadn't told her is because she's made a few comments that she thinks she needs to lock up her clothes/underwear, and of course she thinks there are other things I'm not telling her (which there isn't).

All in all, it would have been much simpler to NOT tell her! But what's done is done, and maybe in the long run it will be for the better.

Ruth
10-02-2007, 04:44 PM
There are so many of us here who identify exactly with what you are going through. This itself should be some kind of comfort. You're not alone. You're not even particularly unusual. But it's still difficult.
Part of the difficulty is that CDing is so hard to explain. There is nothing much you can tell your wife except things that you are not -- this being things like you're not gay, you don't want a sex change, etc, etc.
There are positives to what we do but they are pretty much intangible, and difficult to present as compensation for wanting to slink around the house in lingerie.
So it's a tough road, but if you love your wife and you want to stay with her, you will be able to reach a compromise.
I speak as one who is still working on that situation.
All the best,
Ruth

docrobbysherry
10-02-2007, 05:54 PM
I identlfy with you. I don't think there is a woman inside me trying to get out. I don't want to go out dressed with other CD's. I just REALLY like dressing up ALL THE WAY! And then take pics, to marvel at and photoshop later. See me at: myspace.com/robertsherry
Then, you'll understand! However, my dressing has become a compulsion recently. Having this forum is a lifesaver for me! No one knows except you all. Lately, I've been spending more time TALKING about dressing than doing it! And it feels great.
THANK U, THANK U, THANK U!
RS

Rachaelb64
10-02-2007, 06:20 PM
My ex found the hard way she caught me, and I blew 15years of marriage. Well, in hindsight it was probably the final nail in the coffin.

But you do need to talk, to your SO, and you have done the right thing by telling her, let her adjust to the idea and try talking again.

Good Luck

Lori SC
10-02-2007, 10:08 PM
First off I think you did the right thing in telling her. If she found out any other way it could have been ugly. Second thing...don't purge. I know sounds easy, put it away, lock it up, but don't purge, you will undoubtedly regret it. The desire to dress are not likely to go away....ever.

Where to go from here? I'd say lay off it, as far as she knows, and let it sink in a bit. A lot of people here have said their wives took it hard at first, then came around to some degree.

When she wants to talk reassure her you are not gay, don't want an operation, and are still the same person no matter the clothes...assuming you are not gay or want an operation that is :P

Take is slow my friend, and good luck.


I agree that it should be left for a time, ideally that she will bring it up first. I think you should read our advice but remember that we are only talking from our own perspectives. Do what is right for you, only you will know that.
If you get to that next step of her accepting and even agreeing boundaries, I reckon you should take what you get offered [gratefully] and without telling her, take a little step back from the boundary that she has offered. I have a few friends that have lost what sympathy they had by overstepping the boundary.
If you get it - respect it!
Good luck!


you have made a huge step by telling her. Now you are at a place many of us seem to flounder in. The I know what you do, but lets not talk about it stage. I have been there for 2 years and it makes you crazy. She is hoping it will go away and your wanting it to be more open.

Hi Confused,

I wanted to add my :2c: here.

A lot of good advice here, but I think CDs tend to push the go slow - wait till she's ready advice too much

Guess what? Even wives who are very supportive would be very happy if we never dressed again. So by not doing anything, you make yourself miserable. The problem doesn't go away, it's just that no one is talking about the 2000 pound elephant in the room. The topic is probably something she wants to avoid - why would she bring it up? You have to!

My advice is to talk - How do "most" women resolve problems - by beating it to death with talking. talk, talk, talk. And then talk some more. Yep, you are 'gonna get real tired of talking about it, and answering the "are you sure you're not really gay" question a hundred times. (My wife eventually stopped asking after 2 years).

Now of course, communication is a 2 way street, and your SO has to be willing to talk about it, but you DO need to let her know how it affects you.

Yes, there are a lot of wives out there who don't want to see it, or even know about it. But they HAVE to know how important it is to you, or else they think you can just stop. Well you can't. All you do is promise not to dress, and then you do it anyway - breaking their trust again and again. That is not a smart thing to do.

There's nothing wrong with giving her some time for it to sink in, but please keep reminding her that you need to talk about it. I'm sure she has questions for you. Let her ask the questions - and answer them. If she doesn't have questions, then ask her if she has wondered about [pick a CD topic]. It should provide some discussion.

There are 5 stages to acceptance. One is denial that a lot of wives get stuck in. They won't admit it occurs. A wife stuck in this stage is brutal for a CD and a relationship. Don't let your SO get stuck here.

Now you have to pace what you tell your SO to what she is ready for, but if she asks a question, give her the best, honest answer no matter what it is.

The only successful way out of this is communication.

Been there, done that. And I can say that communication works. My wife is accepting of me now.

Big hugs my sisters, Lori :hugs:

immike
10-03-2007, 06:31 AM
First off I think you did the right thing in telling her. If she found out any other way it could have been ugly. Second thing...don't purge. I know sounds easy, put it away, lock it up, but don't purge, you will undoubtedly regret it. The desire to dress are not likely to go away....ever.

Where to go from here? I'd say lay off it, as far as she knows, and let it sink in a bit. A lot of people here have said their wives took it hard at first, then came around to some degree.

When she wants to talk reassure her you are not gay, don't want an operation, and are still the same person no matter the clothes...assuming you are not gay or want an operation that is :P

Take is slow my friend, and good luck.
I absolutely concur with all the advice?I'm still in the closet?I'm guilty of entering
mothers closet&dressing in her good wardrobe,mostly her good short skirtsuits&
short mini skirts.I order underwear&pantyhose out of mothers womens catalogs&use
them when I try on dresses,slacks,skirts,blouses,shoes,etc.my 2nd life is secret!
I have not been accused yet,so chances are mother does not suspect,or she's in
total denial,I have no idea

trannie T
10-03-2007, 04:20 PM
Congratulations on coming out to your wife. Sorry that things did not go as well as they might have but I do believe that honesty is the best policy.

sterling12
10-03-2007, 04:39 PM
Oh golly, you posted and now we all know where you live! Partytime at Confused' House this weekend! (God, I hope you don't actually believe that.)

Seriously, give her a chance to "relax and grow," into the situation. If your close to a Tri-Ess Chapter, give serious thought to joining, and attempting to get her to participate. It's amazing how well Tri-Ess Wives seem to adapt and handle their relationships, compared to a lot of other situations. Of course that's their focus, so why wouldn't it work out better!

Also lots of good links and information for wives and husbands on The National Tri-Ess Site. Obviously, you need to make a start and see what happens.

Peace and Love, Joanie

confused99
10-03-2007, 05:25 PM
lol sterling12 you almost got me there!

Thanks once again for all your advice. To be honest I keep freaking myself out when I remember I've told her. For me, it's been such a secret double life that I kind of got use to the hiding, perhaps that was some of the excitement.

At the moment, I'm just going to let the dust settle for a week or so and then see where we are. Unfortunately, this kind of thing is so far away from my SO's world that I can't ever see her actually accepting it.

@danam : As for the security, I'm not to bad with computers, (and I've spent quite a few years being paranoid), all I'll say is http://www.travelingforever.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=35&Itemid=45 = a simple and very secure browsing environment, where there is no evidence left on the host machine....

Jaydee
10-05-2007, 11:35 AM
Confused,
This thread really hit a nerve for me. I am there too. I had been wearing nondescript black panties for a few years with no problem or question. About a year ago, I openly purchased some panyhose. In the car on the way home I explained that I wanted to "experiment" with them. I also said that I would be willing to talk about it if she wanted. She didn't then. A few days later I wore them under shorts. I could tell she was uncomfortable with it, so haven't done that again. A few weeks later, I asked "You haven't asked anything about the pantyhose, I didn't know if that was because it made you uncomfortable, you didn't want to make me uncomfortable, or if it just didn't matter?" She replied "Yes, to all three, and I guess it is just clothing". Since then I haven't been able to get her to talk about it, although she knows I have several pairs and wear them when she is not around. She washes them without comment. I am still waiting for an opening to discuss my more extensive CDing. I am taking the advice of "baby steps" and taking my time, even if sometimes it seems it is taking forever.

Jaydee

angelfire
10-06-2007, 12:29 PM
Others have said it, and I will second (or third) it. Feeling guilty happens to probably all of us, but by accepting ourselves, we at least relieve some of it. If you can stop feeling guilty about it, it will make you a much happier, and comfortable person. Since I have accepted it myself, I have seen noticable changes in my attitude, and it has all been for the best. I am happier where I used to get depressed, I am much more accepting of others, I don't get angry as often, etc. So if it keeps me happy and stable, then I see no reason to not do it.

Just do what makes you happy.

Dixie Darling
10-06-2007, 01:26 PM
Well, 'confused99', as much as you would like for it NOT to be, the cat is out of the bag now and there isn't anything that you can do to "un-tell" her. At the very least you now have the knowledge that she knows about it. That within itself should be some sort of relief, but at the same time a burden of sorts.

Everyone has given you a lot of good advice here and I concur with just about all of it.

Lori SC said:
"How do "most" women resolve problems - by beating it to death with talking. talk, talk, talk. And then talk some more. Yep, you are 'gonna get real tired of talking about it, and answering the "are you sure you're not really gay" question a hundred times. (My wife eventually stopped asking after 2 years)."

Now while that seems to be true for most things, for some strange reason there are many women who WON'T talk about crossdressing once they've learned that their husband IS one. My own wife is that way and though she'll talk about just about everything ELSE, she seems to intentionally avoid any conversations about crossdressing. It isn't because she doesn't know that I'm a CD - because she does. The problem is that she has her own ideas about it and refuses to research it or listen to any other's experiences or opinions. It's been this way since I came out to her over 6 years ago and there has been little to no change in her intolerance.

So, 'confused99', if you can get your wife to open up and start talking about it you have a chance to educate her about what crossdressing is - but of even greater importance what it ISN'T. If she begins to talk with you about it, be open, honest, and sincere in answering her questions. It's also a good idea to ask HER questions too. It would help you to know what her thoughts and opinions are so as to possibly eleminate many of the concerns and erroneous ideas she has about the whole thing. If you're fortunate enough to get her to sit with you and discuss things, try to get her to have a look at the material on my web site WITH you and discuss the material as you BOTH look it over. There's enough there to keep you talking for hours and hours if you take the time to look at all of it. There are pages which are of particular interest to the wives, pages specifically for crossdressers, and pages for both. It's all CLEAN so you don't have to worry about seeing anything that would be embarrassing to either of you. You'll find the link below.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

Rachel Morley
10-06-2007, 04:44 PM
Hello Confused99,

I feel for you. :hugs: Before I met my wife I promised myself I would never ever tell a living sole about my crossdressing because I just knew no one would truly understand how it is for me. Boy was I wrong!

Fortunately for me, my wife totally understands "where I'm coming from" and she has actually helped me to express my feminine side more and more. Granted, our situation is not normal, and it's taken a few years to get to where I am today. However, to try to help others Marla wrote an article for CDers who aren't quite sure how to best to broach the subject with their wife. It's written with both the CD and the GG in mind. You can now find it in many places on the web. It's called "How to tell your partner (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=13841)" Click HERE (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=13841) to read the thread where it first showed up. At the end of it there are lots of links to various TG educational materials that you will hopefully find helpful.

Good luck - Rachel

P.S. Dixie Darling's website (see post above) is absolutely wonderful for resources..