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angelfire
10-08-2007, 07:26 PM
So anyway, as many of you know, I recently came out to my parents, and they seemed cool with it. So I've ordered a few things since they seemed cool. I mean, when they caught me for ordering shoes, I came out to them, and was under the impression they wouldn't question my packages from that point on.

Now, I was talking with my mom today, and I mentioned I had ordered some stuff. I was referring to some books I ordered yesterday (nothing to do with CDing), and was going to say I ordered around 20 books (Technically only 3, but I ordered Paradise Lost, which is split up into 12 books. They are all in one though.) just to see what she said. The second I said "ordered..." she said "What did you order this time? Last time I had to feel jelly boobs." (referring to the cheap forms I recently ordered, which came in a plain package.) I said "I didn't order that again." and she seemed to be getting genuinely angry with me, because she said it embarrassed her when she had to answer the door and sign for the package.

Then she says "I think I have a right to know what you order. This is my house." and I say "I thought I could order stuff without you asking questions about it." So I told her I had ordered some more clothes. She said "What are you doing, building a wardrobe or something? You are ordering more female stuff all the time now! I have been seeing changes in you since we talked" I told her "I have started ordering because I didn't think I had to worry about you asking questions anymore." and she still said "I have a right to know everything you order." So I told her "Fine, I'll stop ordering things." and walked out.

I would like to have a certain level of privacy in my own home, and it seems impossible to do with them questioning my every move. I can't even order things in a plain envelope without her questioning or feeling embarrassed about just having to take the package and place it in my room.

She did not seem happy that I have been building a wardrobe, or that I have been ordering more and more stuff online. Afterwards she came and talked to me and said that she is trying to understand, but doesn't, and she is scared. I said I understand that she can't understand it, but wanted to know why she was scared. She said its because she is afraid I will get hurt. I asked how, and she said by going out. She is worried some random psycho is going to stab me if I go out dressed, and while that is my #1 fear of going out in public. I told her I am afraid of that too, but realistically, it could happen to anyone regardless of how they are dressed. She said "Yes, but you are giving them more of a reason to." A close #2 fear is being seen by someone I know like a friend or co-worker. I have not been out, and do not intend to for quite some time.

I can understand her worry, she IS my mother, and mothers do worry, but she has to realize I am an adult. The fact that I am not allowed locked doors in the house restricts my privacy and my time to dress, because if I lock the door they get upset, and they are known to randomly come and see me. They usually knock first, but still, if I am dressed, it is kind of a hassle to get changed very quickly, not to mention annoying. Then they do not want me going out dressed, which I can understand. But not even wanting me to order packages online? That is a little ridiculous.

Sorry to rant, I just don't know what I should do about this, as I am currently awaiting around 5-6 packages that are already in the mail, and my mom said "I hope nothing embarrassing comes in the next week, because we have company coming."

ravens_roost2004
10-08-2007, 07:40 PM
I would get a Post Office Box. Or maybe move out on my own. Now that would be privacy

jaina
10-08-2007, 07:45 PM
Move out.
If you're 18 and paying rent, hold them to the exact letter of the law for the landlord/tenent law in your area untill you can move out.
If you're under 18 lay low, and prepare to move out at 18.

Above all, MOVE OUT!!

angelfire
10-08-2007, 07:50 PM
I'm 21, and I do not pay rent. They paid for my college education on the condition that I would stay at home because they couldn't afford rent elsewhere, and wanted me to be debt free.

Then near the end of college, I lost my part time job, so I had no income for several months, and have just recently gotten a stable full time position. At the moment, the pay is not really good enough for me to afford to pay the bills. I got in through an agency, so in order for them to hire me, they need to keep paying me through the agency for a total of 10 weeks (which is about 4 more I believe). Then they can hire me on, which should include an increase in wages, as I believe I will be on salary.

The reason I still live at home right now is to save up money and buy the things I need with my disposable income BEFORE I start having bills to pay. I definitely want to move out, but it is not a financially viable option right now.

Since I can't exactly cancel the orders, I guess I'll just not order anything more online, and make my purchases in person discreetly, as I had been doing. There are just things I can't seem to find in person that are easily accessible online. And hope all this blows over.

Angie G
10-08-2007, 07:53 PM
Jessica why can't you move out if you want privacy hun :hugs:
Angie

Mistybtm
10-08-2007, 08:48 PM
I agree time to get your own place

AllieSF
10-08-2007, 09:10 PM
Hi Angel,

I think that we may be missing an important item here. Your mother did come in afterwards and tried to explain how she felt. It may not have come out just the way she wanted, but she did make the effort to try to explain why she was upset. I would treat her the same way we always recommend a CDer treat his significant other as she tries to grasp similar news. I recommend that you take time to print out some good info about CDs. Let her read it and then later discuss a little bit at a time. Your Mom loves you and is just very scared and confused right now. I think some patience on your part to explain and help her through this will only bring both of you closer together and maybe greatly improve your home life. It will also be a great experience and training ground on how to work with a future girlfriend/wife to understand your desire to crossdress. Good luck.

Billijo49504
10-08-2007, 09:46 PM
Sounds like it's time to be a big gurl. Privacy is expensive, but it's worth it...BJ

DeeInGeorgia
10-08-2007, 09:59 PM
Check into getting something like a P.O. Box. Does Canada have something like that. In the US, my P.O. Box is $34 for 3 months, and they give you a key to a bigger box when I get a large package. The only problem is that some mail services will not deliver to a P.O. Box.

Dee

sterling12
10-08-2007, 10:07 PM
You may not think that it's important but your Mom is concerned for herself and your Dad. She probably has pictures in her mind about The Postal Worker telling the neighbors, (remember she said she FELT the Boobs inside the package.)

Good advise to get a Post Office Box, and then she certainly doesn't have the right to know everything you order...it doesn't effect her!

Try not to argue, as that is only going to create "deadlock," and confrontation. This is all very new to them and you have to expect a long period of adjustment. Your Mom is always going to fear public ridicule and repercussions visited upon her Family. Things are still such, that we are on the outside of what society deems as acceptable. That is what your Mom fears. I know there were many things that I did as a youth that my parents never found out about, and I think that was probably a good thing. I am just about as certain, that there were a lot of things they absolutely did not want to know about.

I know it's normal for teenagers and parents to fight, but your now 21, and you should be starting to dump that whole teenager/"I'm too cool and smart for my parents," thing. You still live there, maybe for just a short time longer. Honor your Parents and try to get along.

By the way, about time you two sat down again and had a good CALM, heart-to-heart about acceptable parameters. Those parameters can and will change, especially if you earn their trust.

Peace and Love, Joanie

crunchysoda
10-08-2007, 10:41 PM
Since you seem to not be able to move out, consider that you are "under your parents roof" and respect their wishes.

You should try to find a po box that has an office that is willing to sign for packages for you if neccessary.

Also talk more w/your mother. You know she loves you and yes she is concerned for everyone involved, even being a bit paranoid since it's still so new to her. So many thoughts, feelings, emotions, yadda yadda are spinning in her head.

Even though you are 21, to her you are still her baby and always will be to some extent, that's the way it works.

Under the current circumstances you have very little "wiggle room", your parents have done so much for you, consider all of that while you are upset about buying things online.

and yeah, move out asap.

Good luck, it will work out adventually.

:hugs:

trannie T
10-08-2007, 11:04 PM
It seems that you will be able to afford to move out in the forseeable future. Until then try to lay low. Don't force your dressing upon your parents, the are somewhat accepting but still not really comfortable with the idea. Instead of mail order buy your things in person.

shauna 9
10-08-2007, 11:04 PM
I agree time to get your own place.

jozee
10-09-2007, 12:49 AM
if you are paying rent, or room and board, you have a right to privacy. if not, then you should respect your parents wishes, or move. it is their house and you should live by their rules, within reason. unmarried couples didnt sleep together in my parents house. and, i think, if any of us tried to bring a significant other home (aka gay partner) neither one of us would have been allowed in

Wendy me
10-09-2007, 05:12 AM
simple move out .... can't afford it?? ... work two jobs hell work 3 jobs .... nothing is easy ... nothing is cheep ...want to do as you please??? move out on your own.....~Jessica 21 years old .... your liven the best part of your life at mom's house get and be free.......

MJ
10-09-2007, 09:32 AM
i will try to be practical here i too had fear i would end up dead because of my looks and dress !!! in my 3 years full time i get the looks " being read " and the worse was two guys mouthing off by there porch , your's and her fear is unfounded ..

to help your mum why not tell her about this web site , i am sure your mum will find some thing to help her , you see mum does not understand , and her lack of knowledge is driving her fear ..

apart form that you must sit down and have a real heart to heart with her

tommi
10-09-2007, 09:56 AM
If living in someone else's home even if you pay rent they still can put stipulations on you. Move out or put your dressing in check for now at least have a PO box don't make a parent sign for your materials.

JulieC
10-09-2007, 11:55 AM
First, everyone here is right; move out if you want privacy. Do not complain about a lack of privacy; you're getting a roof over your head for free. Your parents do have a right to establish rules in their own house. Also note that it is frequently the case that late teens and early twenties who move out on their own begin having a more positive relationship with their parents, as the parents become significantly less an authority figure and their role as a family figure is more clear.

Two, get a post box somewhere. They're quite inexpensive. If your mother is concerned about signing for something she doesn't want to see, that problem evaporates.

Three, your mother is your mother. It's obvious she loves you and cares deeply about your safety. It's only natural for her to be thus concerned. And, despite some claims above, it IS dangerous to go out in public dressed en femme, and it IS more dangerous than dressed en homme. Read this link about the "Memorial Wall" http://ssw.cehd.umn.edu/News/PressReleases/TransGender.html. People can and do die for the simple act of wearing clothes not of their assigned sex. When you do decide to venture out in public, extra caution is advised. Such hatred by others towards us is not a reason to not go out, but it is a reason to be careful.

angelfire
10-09-2007, 06:25 PM
Well, thanks everyone for the responses. My main issue now is not that I need to order more online and not have my mom get upset, its the fact that I already have things ordered that I cannot cancel now that will come regardless. If I had known it was going to be a problem and that she didn't want me ordering certain things, I would have gladly just stopped. Unfortunately once I've found out, its a little too late. So I'll just have to hope for the best really.

And as I have said to everyone's advice, I cannot afford to move out at this moment. I intend to in the foreseeable future, but until I have some money in the bank, it wouldn't be a smart move for me to do.

Wendy me
10-09-2007, 06:36 PM
might sound harsh .... but.... either think abought mom's feelings or stop shopping by mail until you either get a PO box or move ....... you only get one mom ... straining that relation is not worth it for any reason.......

KatrinaAshley
10-09-2007, 07:46 PM
We have a good arrangement here. While I'd like to be unrestricted and leave too, it's not worth the costs for the sake of some clothes. I wasn't able to resist buying a few things, and did so when everyone was out of town. Look for those with discreet shipping and who offer expedited options.

I buy lots of things online. Nobody would be suspicious of my packages as long as they aren't obviously marked in some way. Try ordering CD's (the music kind, lol), small electronics, collectables, or whatever you're into. Let them get accustomed to seeing packages regularly and if they ask, show them it's not what they think. Then try to sneak a few things in.

I do think the 'this is my house' excuse is being misused in this case, but there isn't much we can do.

crunchysoda
10-09-2007, 08:49 PM
Jessica,
Well what's done is done you cant unorder anything, so if I were you Id just explain to your mom you didnt realize it would upset her.
Let her know that you ordered these items before you were aware of her feelings and that you won't do it anymore.

Tell her when they are coming and what they are.
It would be best if you could be there to accept them but if not at least she wont be "surprised."

MsToriJones
10-09-2007, 09:05 PM
... My main issue now is <snip> the fact that I already have things ordered that I cannot cancel now that will come regardless. If I had known it was going to be a problem and that she didn't want me ordering certain things, I would have gladly just stopped. Unfortunately once I've found out, its a little too late. So I'll just have to hope for the best really.


You can have the PO hold your mail. I think you can do it by using your full name. check with them and see if you can have them hold just YOUR mail.

Then find a friend who will accept your packages for you. Above all do respect your parents for they are the only ones you will have and it seems like you have good ones so you will need to keep them.

I don't fully understand for I am a gg but I am a mother of a 20 yr old who had to move back home with her son and soon to be born daughter since she is getting a divorce so I can actually see some things from the "Mom" side. No matter what our children do or not do we always fear for the safety and worry about them. Your mother's feelings are normal that she worries for you, help her understand. Explain to her how you will keep yourself safe. Tell her that you aren't going out dressed for now that you want to know you will be safe before you do that. If you never plan to go out in the area where you live, let her know that. If you never plan to go out dressed alone, let her know. These are things that may help her see that YOU are considering YOUR safety also, and that could help ease her fears.

angelfire
10-10-2007, 05:53 AM
I buy lots of things online. Nobody would be suspicious of my packages as long as they aren't obviously marked in some way. Try ordering CD's (the music kind, lol), small electronics, collectables, or whatever you're into. Let them get accustomed to seeing packages regularly and if they ask, show them it's not what they think. Then try to sneak a few things in.

I do buy alot of different things online. Mostly books, but I have ordered Band T-Shirts before, and some games and such. The main reason for this sudden lack of trust is that I had ordered shoes while they were gone, hoping it would arrive before they got back, but they didn't and was delayed. Everything I order I make sure they say they ship discreet, but I've found they don't ship discreet ENOUGH. The breast forms for example, are really discreet when shipping in a brown envelope with "Silicone" written on the package, and they are loose so you can feel them. Or the shoe box that said "Used shoes" was also discreet. From what I've found so far, it isn't worth it for me to order stuff online anyway, but it is a little late now.


If you never plan to go out dressed alone, let her know. These are things that may help her see that YOU are considering YOUR safety also, and that could help ease her fears.

I have told her that I am also afraid, and have no intentions of going out at this point, reassuring her that I wasn't deliberately putting myself in danger. She said "You seem like you've thought this through." which I have. She still seems to be afraid for some reason, and even more paranoid that if my friends find out they may hurt me. I told her "I sincerely doubt my friends would hurt me. They may not accept it, they may insult me, but I doubt anyone I consider a friend would ever result to physical violence." but she doesn't seem to believe that.

MsJanessa
10-10-2007, 06:52 AM
Moving out is the only effective way to solve your problem. No matter how old you are or how much rent you pay, they will always consider themselves to be your parents and will always insert themselves in your business. This is not unique to CDing--most adult children living at home have this problem.