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Sonia_cd
10-13-2007, 09:30 AM
All,

I am in a bit of a quandry. I got engaged a couple of months ago and she doesn't know that I am a crossdresser. Not that I am shaven at all times and nor do I have the need to dress everyday, but I am certain it isn't going to go away. Some time or the other I will want to wear the clothes, even if it is for a few minutes or a few hours. What do I do then? From oblique references I have made so far about me trying on her heels or not going to the gym so I get saggy man breasts for which I will need a bra, her resposes have been far from encouraging. We are 5 months away from getting married but I want to find a way to tell her so if she doesn't want to be with me for this reason, better we call it off now rather than get a divorce later.

I could really really use some help on how to approach the topic and what to say. I am also terribly confused as to whether I should say anything at all. Please please help!!!

Shelly Preston
10-13-2007, 09:34 AM
Well you have to tell her

It would be unfair of you not to tell her

I suggest you read this

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=13841&page=2

christina marie
10-13-2007, 09:36 AM
tell her now, it will only hurt worse later. there are many old posts on here from those who didnt. read some and see if it sounds like something you want to live through

SANDRA MICHELLE
10-13-2007, 09:41 AM
Tell her now, it will only hurt more later and is the most selfious thing to not tell her. I wish that I had a do over on my experience, there are never any do-0vers in life though. I was married for 18 years before I told my wife, we are still together but it was very unfair and it would have been much better to get it out before she married me. If you are meant to be together than it will work itself out.

christid66
10-13-2007, 09:42 AM
Of course you don't have to tell her.....I didn't tell my wife (still haven't) and here I am 30 or so years later - still in the closet and still worried about telling my wife or even worse, her finding out.

JulieC
10-13-2007, 09:49 AM
Echo what many have said above. TELL HER.

Look, this will be the most nerve wracking experience you've ever had. You might be shaking like a leaf in the breeze right before you tell her. But, you've GOT to tell her. It's totally unfair and lying to her to not tell her.

Time and time again I see posts here of crossdressers who didn't tell before getting married, and now wish they had or at the very least live in fear of their wives finding out, and their marriage going down the tubes. It's even worse when kids are involved.

Think it's hard now? Telling her now is TRIVIAL compared to the how incredibly hard it will be after you marry her, and several orders of magntitude easier than trying to tell her if you have kids in the mix.

The WORST possible outcome of telling her now is a pale shadow of how bad it will be if you tell her after you're married to her or worse, if she finds out on her own without you telling her.

Please, please, please...tell her. Don't wait three months. Tell her now. The more wedding preparations happen, the harder it will be.

Sonia_cd
10-13-2007, 09:50 AM
Wow! Thank you for the responses. I am overwhelmed by the immediacy of your reponses. I understand what you girls are saying and how it would be dishonest not to tell her, which is why I am putting my thoughts to words on this forum, the only place I can.

I am afraid there is another side of it which might queer the pitch even more. See, I am all for making out every now and then, but for some reason I much prefer cuddling on the sofa with her in my arms. I get bored very soon and easily with heavier making out and cannot figure out if that is a sign of deeper transgendered feelings or just because I am built that way. I am terribly confused right now and it is showing!!! I feel like running away and wiping the slate clean!!! If only there was someway I could!!! :sad::sad:

JulieC
10-13-2007, 10:11 AM
Wow! Thank you for the responses. I am overwhelmed by the immediacy of your reponses. I understand what you girls are saying and how it would be dishonest not to tell her, which is why I am putting my thoughts to words on this forum, the only place I can.

I am afraid there is another side of it which might queer the pitch even more. See, I am all for making out every now and then, but for some reason I much prefer cuddling on the sofa with her in my arms. I get bored very soon and easily with heavier making out and cannot figure out if that is a sign of deeper transgendered feelings or just because I am built that way. I am terribly confused right now and it is showing!!! I feel like running away and wiping the slate clean!!! If only there was someway I could!!! :sad::sad:

You mean you're like, uh, different? *shock* Dang. Here I thought all of us were exactly the same!

What I see here: you're trying to live up to the rest of the world's expectations of how you're supposed to be. You're a guy, you're supposed to be obsessed with making out and getting as physical as possible. Or so society says.

In short, get over it :) You are who you are. Your fiance loves you, and probably appreciates this aspect of you more than you know.

As for running away and clearing the slate? Meh. Wedding jitters. Happens to all of us at some point or other. Not that they should be ignored; sometimes it's you telling yourself not to marry this person. But more often than not, it's just the over-hyped notion of getting married and all that entails.

Relax :drink: :drink: :drink:

Mariah
10-13-2007, 10:41 AM
Tell her, and Be a man about it, I mean that's what you are right? *^_^*
Just go up and say "woman! I like wareing womens cloths, Deal with it and well talk latter after I kill a bear with my hands and skin it with my teeth!" and walk way (that's how men act right? *^_^*)

(note that is a joke above, but yes tell her)


Kerise

Melinda G
10-13-2007, 11:56 AM
Might as well bite the bullet, and tell her. If you don't you will be frustrated all your life, and probably get divorced, which is really expensive, and can spoil your whole day. If you do, there is a 90% chance you will break up now, which doesn't cost much. For every woman who accepts it, 9 or 10 don't!

Valerie
10-13-2007, 12:08 PM
Your chances are actually quite good. There was a thread about significant others and (to me) surprisingly the proportion of supportive SOs was significantly higher that 50%:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=63603&highlight=poll

There is also a recent blog written by Barbara Talbot about the benefits for a couple of one of them being a crossdresser:

http://barbaratalbot.blogspot.com/

If you read it--and I believe what Barbara says is very truthful--you will be able to present the issue with a positive frame of mind.

Go for it! (And then skin the bear!)

Valerie

Sandra
10-13-2007, 12:12 PM
Perhaps you should have told her before you got engaged but seeing as you didn't you need to tell her know. She may be ok she may not but can you afford a costly divorce

JulieC
10-13-2007, 12:14 PM
If you do, there is a 90% chance you will break up now, which doesn't cost much. For every woman who accepts it, 9 or 10 don't!

I disagree with those figures. Repeated surveys here show 45-50% of SOs are at least mildly accepting.

Of course, the figures mean nothing in so far as this person's fiance is concerned. Only way to know is to tell and see her reaction.

An observation...

Telling your fiance is not a only-one-way-to-tell-her proposition.

If you're uncomfortable with yourself, if you're afraid of yourself as a CD, this might get conveyed in telling her. If so, the acceptance may be less.

When I told my then-girlfriend, now-wife I was nervous. Not as nervous as the first time I told anyone, but nervous to be sure. What helped me tremendously was telling myself that, much as I loved her, if she went running for the hills upon telling her, it would be ok. I got myself in the frame of mind to accept her leaving as calmly as possible if she decided to leave.

I then decided *when* to tell her was while driving (me at the wheel) on an hour long drive to a nearby city, so that questions could be asked and answered in private and the opportunity for storming off didn't really exist :) My wife still laughs about this!

If your fiance blasts you out of the water, hurls every epithet there is at you, tells all of your family about your little secret and all of your friends too...it will be ok. Five, ten years from now you'll look back on this as something in the past, and your life went on just fine.

And as others have said, this is a heck of a lot less expensive than a divorce!

Sally24
10-13-2007, 12:29 PM
By all means, this is the time to tell her. I talked to my wife (my live-in girlfriend at that time) while we were laying in bed trying to get to sleep. She asked a few questions and that was it. That was 30 years ago and we are still happy!

Rachel Morley
10-13-2007, 12:35 PM
Here's something my wife Marla wrote. You'll find in many places on the web. I hope it helps, many people have wrote her to say it did.

How to tell your partner - by Marla Morley (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=13841) or if you prefer: How to tell your partner - by Marla Morley (http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/wobs/howtellpartner.html)

Eugenie
10-13-2007, 01:04 PM
Like many other have suggested, it is preferable to tell her now...

I did tell my wife two years after we got married, it was a bit harder, and I consider myself lucky that she didn't ask for a separation, even though she wasn't too thrilled about it...

I wish I had told her before our wedding thought... But with the lack of information then, 38 years ago, I thought that my x-dressing would go away when I would have a stable relationship... So I didn't tell her... And of course it came back... So then I told her immediately.

I told her what was the truth then: it was a fetishist behaviour... She could tolerate that, providing I would be modest about it and that I wouldn't use her clothes...

Well, we are still together...

And believe me, it is a great freedom when you don't have to hide and lie to your S/O...

:hugs:
Eugenie

SANDRA MICHELLE
10-13-2007, 01:26 PM
Your reply to some of the post's gives rise to some questions. Do you have some doubts about your sexual orientation? If you feel like you should be a woman and think that you would be more reseptive toward sex as a female than that is all the more reason to bring these things up. I feel like a woman in a mans body a lot of the time and wish that I could present as a woman all the time and have my wife accept me as her lesbian wife. I have no desire what so ever to explore a relationship with a man, do you? Maybe I read your post wrong but it lead me to think you are not sure about more than just the crossdressing issue!
What say you now.

docrobbysherry
10-13-2007, 02:24 PM
1. Unless you feel the need to dress in front of her, or to go out dressed. Forget about telling her until u must!
2. There r a million reasons why your marriage might fail. The longer u get to know your fiance, the better chance u have of gaging a successful marriage with her. I think your concerns about " making out", r a bigger issue than your dressing.
3. Don't be pressured into a marriage u feel unsure about. U r either ready or not ready. If u r not sure, u r NOT ready!
4. I was SURE about my marriage. It was great for awhile, but it finally failed. But not because of my CDing.
RS


All,

I am in a bit of a quandry. I got engaged a couple of months ago and she doesn't know that I am a crossdresser. Not that I am shaven at all times and nor do I have the need to dress everyday, but I am certain it isn't going to go away. Some time or the other I will want to wear the clothes, even if it is for a few minutes or a few hours. What do I do then? From oblique references I have made so far about me trying on her heels or not going to the gym so I get saggy man breasts for which I will need a bra, her resposes have been far from encouraging. We are 5 months away from getting married but I want to find a way to tell her so if she doesn't want to be with me for this reason, better we call it off now rather than get a divorce later.

I could really really use some help on how to approach the topic and what to say. I am also terribly confused as to whether I should say anything at all. Please please help!!!

celtic.blue.eyes
10-13-2007, 04:41 PM
Well, you're doing the right thing, and the best time of year to do it is now! Since Halloween is right around the corner, pick a female character to dress up as, show her a great time (include some romantic activities) so she can experience some fun with your female side, and then work you way into explaining what you need to. Don't be afraid, but be proud of the fact that you are honest and straight forward. Have some fun with it, and make it fun for her!

Maddie Knight
10-13-2007, 05:38 PM
Tell her, Would you rather she discovered your stash and thought the worst or was told the truth by you now.

Valerie
10-13-2007, 06:16 PM
1. Unless you feel the need to dress in front of her, or to go out dressed. Forget about telling her until u must!
2. There r a million reasons why your marriage might fail. The longer u get to know your fiance, the better chance u have of gaging a successful marriage with her. I think your concerns about " making out", r a bigger issue than your dressing.
3. Don't be pressured into a marriage u feel unsure about. U r either ready or not ready. If u r not sure, u r NOT ready!
4. I was SURE about my marriage. It was great for awhile, but it finally failed. But not because of my CDing.
RS

I can't say I was "sure" about getting married, and there were many fears in taking this step. What I can say is that forty years later I am absolutely sure I would marry again the same person I did then, who has been wonderful to me and has embraced me as Valerie as well as in my male persona. There is no such thing as being "ready" for a marriage, as there isn't for most of the great and daring things we do. It takes some courage. In most cases, it works out, even in some unexpected and rewarding ways. Is it easy? Of course not. One must put one's heart into it!

One more thing: times have changed. I just read a posting of someone who was greeted at Wallmart with "Welcome to being a woman" by two customers while three people at the cash registers wanted her to come to their register. Granted, not the usual experience. But it is happening. Be brave. The time is now.

Valerie

JULIE33362
10-13-2007, 06:33 PM
Tell Her Now Now Dont Wait Good Luck I Told My Wife 2 Months In To Dateing 10 Years Still Together

annekathleen
10-13-2007, 06:39 PM
Here's a point to ponder;
Do you think it would be easier to tell a girlfriend that you just started dating,(five months for example) that you like to wear womens clothing?
Or do you think it would be easier to tell a girlfriend that you've been dating for a while (five years for example) that you wear womens clothing?
Which one would be more accepting?
Which one would be more startled?:eek::brokenheart::confused::doh::shocked ::worried:

KatrinaAshley
10-13-2007, 06:41 PM
I never understood how it's considered 'unfair". It is just that feeling when some GG comes in and complains? What's to say we don't have their best interests in mind? Some things don't need to be told, as when they give you that 'do I look fat' line. Some lies are ok. Maybe we should consider it selfish of them that we can't enjoy the hobby. What if they told you no more camping or football because they dislike such things? Or what if they have some things to hide from you? Relationships need to go both ways.

But it's up to you whether it's worth bringing up. Variables such as how you can control yourself, how far you want to go, if there's any chance she'll be devestated and tell all your friends, things like that. I understand it's a lot to chew on. This is the primary reason I want to stay single. I don't think I can handle people that flip out over insignificant things and try to control you. I hope nobody chooses to flame me, it's just how I've seen things over the years.

Stephenie S
10-13-2007, 06:44 PM
Dear Sonia,

As you can tell from ALL the replied so far, NOW is the time to tell her.

It is true that many, many, SOs are accepting of our life style. What happens when you wait until she discovers your secret, though, is that she realizes that not only are you a CDer, but you are also a LIER! She realizes that you have LIED to her all these many years. Then she wonders what ELSE you have lied about, and BAM, there goes the trust, out the window. It is really, really hard to recover from that.

Most SOs are much more upset about the deceit than they are about the CDing. Do yourself and your mate a big favor and tell her now. A marriage built on mistrust is built on a poor foundation.

Lovies,
Stephenie

battybattybats
10-13-2007, 06:49 PM
Tell her now.
If you don't you and she may possibly end up trapped in misery for the rest of your lives.

Tell her now and go get good counselling!
Even if she seems accepting give her time.
Do not for any reason get married or make any further comittments until you have a better understanding of what you and she may want or need.

You owe it to yourself and to her. It is the most practicle option, the most moral option.

A stitch in time saves nine.. your first loss is your best loss. Both more than cliches. They directly apply.

Good luck!
:hugs:

Sedona
10-13-2007, 06:49 PM
Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her, Tell her,

Got it!???

Good luck,

Khriss
10-13-2007, 06:56 PM
... You've posted pic's here !?
Show Her.. Your best one and let Her react in a truthfull way...
..if it's rejection ... sad but true eh ?? xx "K"

sissystephanie
10-13-2007, 07:04 PM
Sonia,

Do you want your fiance to be honest with you? I am sure that you do. But if you don't tell her, then you are not being honest with her. Lying and deceit has probably led to more divorces then anything else. Since you know you are a CD, and apparently have no desire to stop, you would be better off with a wife who accepts you as you are.

I told my late wife before we were married, and we wound up wearing matching white silk lingerie at our wedding. That is an example of how accepting she was! As in all types of sales, you never know until you ask. As others have said, be prepared to answer a lot of questions. If you truly want to be married, then go for it but tell her first so she has the opportunity to say "no!"

Sissy/Stephanie

More Girl than man sometimes

trannie T
10-13-2007, 07:30 PM
Do not tell her. In five or ten or twenty years she will find out and you can join the "Whiny Divorced Crossdresser Forum." If you tell her you'll probably be stuck on this forum. I really hope things go well for both of you.

MJ
10-13-2007, 07:35 PM
tell her it's cheaper than a divorce ... it's your life ...

AmandaM
10-13-2007, 09:58 PM
I told her after dating for three months. Now, I don't hide anything. I don't lie about it. I'm crusin' this board now and she knows it. Ah, the freedom.

jaina
10-13-2007, 11:04 PM
All,

I am in a bit of a quandry. I got engaged a couple of months ago and she doesn't know that I am a crossdresser. Not that I am shaven at all times and nor do I have the need to dress everyday, but I am certain it isn't going to go away. Some time or the other I will want to wear the clothes, even if it is for a few minutes or a few hours. What do I do then? From oblique references I have made so far about me trying on her heels or not going to the gym so I get saggy man breasts for which I will need a bra, her resposes have been far from encouraging. We are 5 months away from getting married but I want to find a way to tell her so if she doesn't want to be with me for this reason, better we call it off now rather than get a divorce later.

I could really really use some help on how to approach the topic and what to say. I am also terribly confused as to whether I should say anything at all. Please please help!!!

You really need to tell her.
You really also need to ask yourself if you actually want to live a life lying to the one you suppesedly love or if having a wife is just another piece of the mask that protects you from people finding out you are a crossdresser.

Sonia_cd
10-14-2007, 01:23 AM
I hear all of you and the near unanimous opinion seems to be in favour of telling her. That is going to be the single most difficult conversation I have ever had considering no one knows about this side of me. More than the words, I need the courage and I have to build that up... Where is it going to come from!!??

Hugs,
Sonia

kay2
10-14-2007, 01:50 AM
Yes, the courage. I have had my share of very scary conversations. One thing I have learned is that the apprehension is always worse than the reality. We imagine the worst outcome. I think what we ultimately fear is change. It is true that after you talk to her, your life (and hers) might be different. Perhaps the difference will be very slight, and perhaps the difference will be bigger. One thing I am certain of is that the difference will be an improvement over needing to hide a part of you from the person with whom you need to build total trust.

Hugs,
Kay

Carin
10-14-2007, 04:10 AM
I hear all of you and the near unanimous opinion seems to be in favour of telling her. That is going to be the single most difficult conversation I have ever had considering no one knows about this side of me. More than the words, I need the courage and I have to build that up... Where is it going to come from!!??

Hugs,
Sonia

Your courage comes from your honesty. You expect to have a live of love together. Trust begins with honesty.

Rachelhouston
10-14-2007, 06:22 AM
When my then girlfriend moved in with me, I got rid of all my clothes thinking that I wouldn't need it anymore (RIP strappy red sandals). It soon became apparent that I had met the "one."

I believe that any healthy relationship is based on trust so I knew that I had to tell her about my wanting to dress. So I sat her down and said, "I have something that I have to tell you about." Then I proceeded to stammer about and back pedal for about 10 minutes. When I finally blurted out "I like to wear women's clothes," she said "Thank god. I thought it was something terrible." We're still married 16 years later.

Dressing is a part of who you are. If you don't share that with her then you are withholding a part of yourself from her. I honestly believe that most women are more upset by lies than the dressing. Of course, when they find out you've been lying to them, it's easier to avenge that slight by attacking you on the dressing.

Work out what you're going to say and practice it. I find that helps when I have something difficult to say. I'd suggest driving home the point that you love her and want her to know everything about you. I also think it is important to set boundaries. If her reaction is "OMG! Yuck" you can say, "I understand. I'll only dress when you aren't around, but I don't want to keep secrets from you."

The other thing you'll probably need to reassure her about is orientation. You aren't attracted to men (you aren't are you? because that changes things), you are attracted to women - specifically, her. Your dressing doesn't alter the fact that you are straight and in love with her.

My how I go on...hope this helps.

Rachel

shauna 9
10-14-2007, 10:18 AM
this is the time to tell her.

Angie G
10-14-2007, 12:56 PM
it's better done now Sonia tell her before your marry her I do wish I had it would have been years more dressing for me :hugs:
Angie

AmandaM
10-14-2007, 01:33 PM
You could lose her if you tell. But, do you want to have to hide this forever? I'd rather be alone and free.

vivianann
10-14-2007, 05:32 PM
You need to tell her now. whatever you do, do not take any secrets into a marriage. hopefully she will understand and be supportive, on the otherhand if she will not be supportive, and you go ahead and marry, you will end up being miserable. If you are forbiden from dressing then the desire to dress will be too great. It is far better for the relationship to end than to be miserable. In your situation I hope your fiance will be understanding and supportive. Now if she is is uncertain about it at first, give her time and give her some info about it as other girls here have suggested. hopefully she will be curious and supportive.:hugs: Vivian

Katie Ashe
10-14-2007, 07:37 PM
She should be told by way of romantic private dinner, at home or a fancy eatery. If you wish to have any hope with her, and still be yourself, subtle hints simply woun't do. I wish you the very best :happy:

Ðarissa
10-14-2007, 07:42 PM
I agree with all the other girls who say that you should tell her. I'm sure it's not going to be easy but really, she deserves to know the truth. Good luck with it Sonia and I do hope you tell her and that everything goes ok!!

rebeca_abigail30
10-14-2007, 08:13 PM
Tell her now! I wish I would have told my DW about 10 years ago! It may have help now that we have two boys (ages 7 and 3). When I told her, she said she wished I would have told her sooner not 8 1/2 yrs into the marriage!

JennaDesire
10-14-2007, 10:01 PM
Tell her. Believe me, having them find out later in life as my wife did is terrible. They feel betrayed and confused. It makes for a bad situation. As hard as it is just do it. Whatever the outcome it is better now than later.

morgan51
10-14-2007, 10:57 PM
just tell her I did and I'm ssoooo thankful I was honest trust is a major issue bigger than cding Morgan:happy:

MsRicky
10-15-2007, 12:28 AM
To be trufull you should have told her allready. Please Please tell her now, and show her this site

ColleenShivas
10-15-2007, 12:37 AM
I hear all of you and the near unanimous opinion seems to be in favour of telling her. That is going to be the single most difficult conversation I have ever had considering no one knows about this side of me. More than the words, I need the courage and I have to build that up... Where is it going to come from!!??

Hugs,
Sonia

Of course it takes courage, but you can make it easier by controlling the time and circumstances. Prepare yourself for the conversation - mostly that you are not alone in these feelings. Some estimates are that about 10% of heterosexual men are frequent CDer, in private and/or underdressing regularly. About 1% go out fully dressed on occasion, and perhaps 50% have worn some item of female clothing. These are large fractions of the male population, yet society goes on. Chances are that one of the things that attracted her to you in the first place was the feminine side of your personality.

Point her to the SO forum at Tri-Ess (http://www.tri-ess.org/) where she can communicate with other, mostly accepting, SOs who will be happy to point out the advantages of a CD husband: loyalty, less aggressive sex (perhaps the origin of your enjoyment of just cuddling - but that is a whole other issue), more thoughtfulness about housekeeping duties and some female companionship at home.

Then choose the time - dinner at a nice restaurant where you can have a private converation with little interruption, a long car trip, a Sunday afternoon with no TV or phones ...

And I add my :2c: - however you decide to do this, do it soon.

Good luck - Colleen