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View Full Version : The Ups and Downs of a cross dresser



Alice B
11-11-2008, 03:31 PM
Last week my wife was out of the country for the entire week. I was able to dress as much as I wanted (with her blessings):confused: and even went out one night with another new dresser to this forum. We both had a great time and things seemed good. But, when my wife got home she learned that I had gone out and with another dresser. She exploded, was all over me about someone recognizing me and matching me to her. Was upset with my dressing in general, may toe nails being painted, etc. Thought it was all over for me and the last thing I want to do is threaten my marriage. I was in a real quandry and needless to say upset.

Today things were somewhat back to normal. She is out tonight and asked me if I would be dressed when she got home. I said no that she did not want me to dress anymore, to which she replied it was OK to dress when she was not around. This is one step removed from where we were before she left town and twenty steps forward to where things were the other night. So now I;m a bit confused as to where I stand. I did tell her that it was OK to discuss my dressing with a close friend of ours who is a physiologist. To be honest - I don't know what to do.

lauraabdl
11-11-2008, 03:55 PM
Keep talking and keep the lines of communication open, you never know. The natural GG's have us over a barrel, we try to emulate and be but they have the upper hand and they do change their minds at the drop of a hat, that there progrative as GG's. Best of luck girlfriend.
Love Laura

jessikasummerfox
11-11-2008, 04:10 PM
It sounds to me like you and your partner need to talk about (or renogotiate) boundaries as it relates to your crossdressing. It sounds like she is/was fine with your dressing, but not going out where you could be seen. You might be willing to accept the negative social reactions that come with crossdressing, but she may not be.

I'm sure if you began by reassuring her that you never want to do anything to threaten your marriage, and then asked her a long series of questions about what is okay and what isn't, you might be able to get back on track with your dressing and your relationship.

And, of course, you really have to be honest with yourself too. Your first reaction might be to promise the whole world to make her happy again, but you shouldn't promise anything that would be too difficult for you to do (like giving up dressing altogether, etc.).

And, finally, since this the internet, it's practically your duty to take any and all advice/opinions with a grain of salt, including this one. I do hope the best for you and your situation. I'm crossing my fingers that everything resolves the way you want it to.

Eileen
11-11-2008, 04:30 PM
Alice you got some good advise from the Northwest! I an sure the two of you will work things out. Just be sure she is aware of what you are planing to do.

Eileen

TerriM
11-11-2008, 05:05 PM
My advice is keep talking and go slow. I would say to her, that this part of you is not going away. The key words are communication and balance, at least for me.

Alice B
11-11-2008, 05:10 PM
I appreciate the advice from Northwest and I have done and discussed these things with her. We do have good communication and I realize that my going out was pushing things too far, which is a shame because I want to be able to do this. Perhaps at a later date we will arrive at a solution because I do not want to go behind her back. Since I was given an K to dress today and tonight I have done so and played around with my camera and the mirrors. Here are some shots I just took, plus how I was dressed the night I went out.

Jess_cd32
11-11-2008, 05:17 PM
I think her response shows how far she's accepted it so far, but also that she does understand you and doesn't want you totally stopping your cd-ing on her behalf, a good sign I'd say.
Over time she may overcome her fears of others knowing you cd, my SO is very similar on any matter that deals w/ personal info in our lives also, alot of it tado over nothing.

Karren H
11-11-2008, 05:23 PM
Well you have it way better in some ways than I do but be the case its just the price we pay for walking the line of what ever level of acceptence we can eekk out.. Mine does the same thing.. What ever you do I'd just watch pushing her envelope else it may snap back and shut completely.

Like I've always said.. Acceptance is really varring levels of tollerence.. In my humble opinion

Kelly DeWinter
11-11-2008, 05:32 PM
I think Jessicas response hit the proverbial "nail with the stilleto." Her accepting boundry, was for you to be able dress while she was away. You blew past that boundry, by going out, and it sounds like it was local as well. In a relationship, we allways have to consider our SO. Yes, it may sound like having to ask for permission at times, but thats part of having a spouce or companion. I would consider what you can do to make ammends, roses, etc. Crossdressing, is not just about how we feel.

tricia_uktv
11-11-2008, 05:45 PM
Wow Alice, be very careful. This happened to me I took the boundaries too far. The trouble is the more you dress, the more you want to. I started doing fairly innocent things (I know know) like wearing jewellary and clear nail varnish and this wasn't appreciated despite initial support. I suppose it depends on what you want most. Good luck.

suzy cool
11-11-2008, 05:57 PM
Everything you said it completely wrong, unless she decides next day that she didn't mean what she said and anyway you are probably wrong but ah it's not important and it's all fine don't worry......until she decides it isn't.
I hope that clears things up.

charlie
11-11-2008, 06:16 PM
Hello Alice!
Like you I have a wife that is totally non supportive and would like to believe that I do not have any want top dress at all. As such, I do not discuss it, do not tell her what I do and do not keep any of my things around where she will find them. My dressing is as if I was still in the closet. If she does find things at least, I can say she knows. It may be easier for you and her. If she brings it up tell her...otherwise, better off not volunteering any information.

Ronni Seymour
11-11-2008, 07:28 PM
Alice,
I can completely relate. I had a different situation that caused my wife to blow up over. Like Karen said.."Acceptance is really varying levels of tolerance..". As much as I want my wife to embrace my CDing to the extent that I do, I know she never really will. I always have to be judging where I am with her at various times.
After the blow up, I withdrew a little to regroup and give her a little time. I eased up on my femme side and focus, not completely, just enough to help her feel like I wasn't being consumed with it.
I would venture to guess, if she's anything like my wife, she will soften up again. Just be patient and don't push.:hugs:

Alice B
11-11-2008, 07:49 PM
I am fairly certain that my wife accepts my dressing although she is not overly excited about it. At this point it boils down to my dressing when she is not here. This is a step back from where things were a few weeks ago and without doubt I pushed the envelope too far. I do not need to hide my clothes, shoes, wigs or any other items associated with my dressing. Besides, she does the laundry most of the time. I can still wear panties and a nightie to bed. I will have to limit my shaving to my legs and underarms, plus some areas of my privates. Not my arms or chest, but I do not have a lot of hair on the chest and it is blond.

At this moment I am fully dressed, but will shower before she gets home. This will be a sacrifice on my behalf. She asked me if I would be dressed when she gets home (out to a meeting tonight) I said I did not know, but I'll be full drab when she gets here to avoid adding any additional fuel. I have to wait for the embers to die. Thanks you to everyone for the wonderful comments. It is nice to know that others care.
:hugs: Alice.

Jonianne
11-11-2008, 07:49 PM
I'm so sorry, Alice, that you went through that. I know how you must feel. Being a crossdresser is like walking a tightrope sometimes.

sometimes_miss
11-12-2008, 02:54 PM
I'll have to add that we often don't know why our SO's are really upset. They blow up over one thing, when it's something else entirely. This is not unusual with women at all, and as much as we know it, we tend to forget about it. My guess is that she's most upset that you went out with someone else, as a female. One of the biggest fears women usually have when they find out about our crossdressing is that we're gay. Now you're going out while dressed up took it away from just doing it for the clothing, which is what we usually tell them. Now you're having a relationship with a male, outside of your marriage, and it's with you as a woman; and that other person accepts your CDing more than she does, now that's scary. That scares the crap out of her, and rightly so. You also added the potential for embarrassing her by your possibly being made in public, made even worse by it being close to home. When we enter the CD world, where the rest of us are accepting and forgiving, we forget what the rest of the world is really like. Very, very few women want anyone to know that their husband is a crossdresser. Even if you do it further away from your home, remember, news of this will travel fast should anyone you know see and recognise you. This kind of gossip is HOT, people love to talk it up. Once made, you are OUT, and even if you can accept that, apparently she will not. Lots of CDers continue to push the boundaries; what once starts with an excuse as 'Honey, I just like to wear clothing that feels nice', progresses to 'I'm just expressing my female side'; we continue to take 'baby steps' in the female direction. We don't see it as a big deal, if it's what we want. But every additional female thing we add to our repetoire, moves us closer to the girl end of the spectrum...and by definition, away from the 'man' end. Perhaps seen by the outside world as gradually moving with each event to becoming 'I'm thinking about transitioning'. Women understand that better than we do. Lots of us are in denial about what is going on here. We embrace feminine things, take a female name, do everything we can to feel like a woman. And expect people to believe we're still just 'regular guys'. We're not. Feeling compelled to be as feminine and beautiful as we can, and especially taking on female self identifiers, perhaps language and behavior indicates something else is going on as well. Tread carefully. For lots of us, it's just finally enjoying the freedom to do what we've always wanted, knowing that we can come home to being our male self when we're done. To others, however, it feels like we are gradually becoming another person entirely, and it's a person that they may not necessarily be in love with. Love is generated by attraction; if you lose that, it's all over. And it sounds like she's not attracted to 'Alice'. Be careful.

DonnaT
11-12-2008, 05:37 PM
Nothing to be confused about. She's OK with your dressing, but not OK with your going out where someone may recognize you and thus embarrass her.

That is, it seems her biggest worry is being embarrassed by your dressing. So is my my wife's! ;) Even though I'm totally unrecognizable enfemme, even by my own mother.

Discuss it with her, possibly discussing places where you could go, away from home.