What was it like???

[LeotardMan]

What was it like growing up as a CD?? For me it wasent to bad I kept it to myself for the most part. Like I said in previous posts I would do exercise videos with my mom and I wanted to dress like her and the other women on the tapes. However, for the longest time I would just go into my room take out my mat and put on one of her leotards, or one of my sisters swimsuits and pretend I was Jane Fonda or Kathy Smith working out or a GLOW Lady wrestler. After getting caught twice my mom knew that her son was a CD and was accepting for the most part. When we would workout together she would et me dress like her but she wanted me to have a pair of shorts on and a T-Shirt on so my dad or sister would not find out.

Geoff

[lynn2c]

no major events in my life. I was very closeted until I was about 17. That's when my girlfriend guessed it. She was ok with it, but for other reasons we split up. I'm sure my mom knew. I sure know when someones been in my makeup. I did find the book, "Everything you wanted to know about Sex" with the page "is my son gay if he wears women's cloths" with the page marked.
She never said a word

[curse within]

It was a dirty secret..I am sure my parents knew because a a young boy 4 or 5 I was forced to dress as a girl to punish me fo wearing my younger sisters clothes. I remeber them parading me around the family laughing at me this happened several times .

As I grew into my teens I was very closet and never let on to dressing then .when I hit my late teens I started to wear lingere under my clothing sometimes. It was hard to control the beast as I started dateing m wife the truth came out she never accepted the fact I was a crossdresser. I only dressed when she was away I still remain in the closet and perfer it that way it is something I should only deal with and accept .. There may come a time in my life when I will allow others to accept this side of me but I will decide on who and when.

Lifes simple just wake up and live it.

[avril findlay]

Growing up in a female house with dresses , skirts etc. available. And being a CDr, a sort of heaven on earth!

[Roxi Loh]

Mine was very closeted. I used to dress during the day in the summer with nylons and makeup. My mom came home for lunch and caught me with her makeup on. She sort of never talked about it but she knew. I am sure she knew I was in her panty and nylon drawer every other day. I dont think she ever told my dad as he was a pretty strict guy guy. I never dressed fully as a woman until my wife and I did it when we were dating.

The first person I came out to was my wife after she dressed me up when we were dating in college. I dont think she knew what she was getting into. I still dress around her now but she does not participate. She is very good about it.

[Anna the Dub]

Growing up as a CDer (later TS) I was utterly miserable; as a child, as a teenager and as a young adult. Very deeply closeted, full of self hate, full of confusion, committed self harm, couldn't communicate with people at all even family, couldn't enter relationships, found looking at my reflection agonising, and was heading in a continual downward spiral before my GG best friend pulled me back from the brink. Without her love and support I know that I would not be here today, now she is helping me lead up to my transition. Nothing but bad memories for me.

[sometimes_miss]

Hmmm, what was it like. Basically, it was terribly depressing. Back then, there was no internet, no gender-specific therapists. I was deep in the closet, scared to death that anyone would find out about me. For more info, you can read my bio on the link below, in my sig.

[RobynP]

Growing up as a CD was a very horrible experience (Hell squared) especially when my mom caught me...

Peace,

Robyn P.

[RylieCD]

Like the last couple of replies, my expierence was the same. No internet, I didnt know who I could talk to, Much of the time I thought it could be a phase and would pass, so I purged often. My parents descovered things at different times and i swore i would stop. When I psychologist was consulted they said it could be a phase but I never went to any appts. I just felt alone. I still do but with the help of this forum I know I am not the only one. I wish I had you all 20 years ago.:hugs:

[serinalynn]

I wore moms things growing up. and living in a small midwest town would not be good for ones reputation if word got out. And with no internet my cding was very much behind close doors.

[FanciJewel]

I was very confused growing up as an adolescent CD'er. I would dress in my Mother's clothes and Grandmother's clothes. I would hide dresses and panties and girdles and nylons in the heating ducts,crawl space, underneath the attic floorboards. I was "discovered" several times by my Mother and forced to stay dressed sitting in a corner until my Father came home from work. I was a very humiliating and confusing time. It has taken me forty years to over come the humiliation and fear. -Fanci

[Samantha43]

I got caught once wearing my mom's heels. I just passed it off as saying I was trying them on. A few years later, my sister saw mascara on my lashes at the dinner table. I didn't get it all the way off. Since I had a girlfriend at the time, (now my wife) my mom passed it off as my GF putting mascara on me.

I often wonder if my mom knows.

I never really had any emotional problems when I was younger. I knew I liked girls, so that wasn't an issue for me. I did go to the library and learned about crossdressing. That kind of settled things in my mind and answered many questions.

[nicole123]

For me growing up it wasn’t so bad, it was very easy to hide, my parents were always at work and my sister and her friends thought it was fun to “dress up the little brother”.
In the army was very difficult, when I got married my first wife was very supportive and we had fun with it. After she died from cancer is when I swore I would never do it again.
Decided to be a manly man super dude, grew a beard and mustache, never wore anything other than man clothes, around people I would use every male stereotype possible, and was miserable. Felt I had to do it for my sons. During that time I remarried, she does not know. Recently I have been dressing when she is not around, shaved my face and legs and arms started doing manicures again, figure it is better she thinks there is an o in front of the cd. And I have started finding some peace. I feel pretty good.

[Deborah Jane]

I enjoyed my crossdressing growing up, but i thought i may be weird!!
I still enjoy my crossdressing, but don,t think i,m weird anymore!! [My therapist told me i,m normal, so i must be :D]

[TGMarla]

Like many here, growing up transgendered, and trying to hide it from everyone, was really lousy. I loved the dressing up part, but I was at all times mortified that others would find out. All the hiding and subtrifuge involved, putting on a somewhat false face in case anyone might venture a guess as to the real truth about me....that I really wished I'd been a girl instead, and that I envied girls for being female. Hmmm....some things haven't changed much, I guess.

[charlene_d]

Lonely. With no internet, no communication with any other cds, it led to a lot of self-loathing. As a teenager you always want to know if you are normal (and are sure you aren't). Dad discovered a stash of clothes when I was 12 but I took the 5th.

It breaks my heart to hear about the humiliation heaped on others in the forum. Hopefully those days are gone.

Charlene D

[Jennifer in CO]

it was confusing...not knowing if you were the only one like this out there. There were limited books at the library, most talked on the subject as if it were taboo or a strictly sexual fetish.
Kinda short story: A car was abandoned behind my dads business the summer I turned 16. It sat there for I'm guessing 2 months before I got the nerve to investigate it. It was picked pretty clean inside but when I figured out how to open the trunk, there was a suitcase with nicely folded clothes...all my size. Well, I transferred the suitcase from that trunk to mine and went back to work. Since I went home about an hour earlier than my dad, I had about 45 minutes to an hour before someone else would be home to check out my prize. Two dresses (polyknit, long floor length - the style of the early 70's) 2 tops, 2 skirts, a pair of jeans, a long and short slip, bras and panties (about 4 pair each as I remember). Suitcase back in the truck (and returned to the trunk of the car the next day) and clothes in the back/bottom of my closet and panties/bras and slips in the bottom of my underware drawer (yeah I know...it was stupid). My mom found my clothes stash at least three times that I can remember over the next 2 years. First two times nothing was said but they were all laid out (neatly) on my bed when I got home from school both times. Third time they were hanging in my closet neatly at the front (first thing you see when you open the door). Still nothing was said which almost drove me crazy. I really wished she'd of said something, but thinking about it later in life I'm sure she was saying then..."I know...come talk to me"...but I wasn't that smart then to pick up on the feminine silent conversation. I have since figured out that the majority of the clothes she bought me after that were girls, just not "girly" (most came from The GAP which is where she was buying most of my older sisters clothes - but I was to dumb to notice).

Anyway...the silence was deafening...

Jenn

[Miss Tessa]

Cute.

I remember spending alot of time in my mom's vanity place with her while she was getting ready and I would play with pantyhose and makeup while she did hers.

I ruined countless brow and liner pencils by obsessively grinding them to the ends.

My mom was always like, "J.P. don't do that. Mommy has to pay for those!" haha

[Ballerina]

For me, it was very secretive and I held it back. It would cross my mind every night. I would lay in bed until 2, 3, 5 AM thinking up stories and just dreaming about wearing something. Then, when I woke up, I'd just shrug it off and just continue the day as normal. Well, until I saw a girl wearing something that I liked, that is... It wasn't until I was 18 when I literally instinctively grabbed something up and wore it. And just this year, I have accepted that I am what I am and I will enjoy every moment of it as humanly possible :)

[Carly D.]

I didn't know what it was that I liked to do.. I didn't know it was cross dressing.. I thought I was sick in the head.. I always thought that I would be found out about by someone and then met with a serious accident... probably resulting in lead poisoning or something..

[Karren H]

I had a blast growing up!!! So many different women and girl's things to choose from... It was like a smorugboard!!! hahaha Part time girl by night.... was a jock and played in a band.... had tons of gf's and worked as a mechanic in a gas station!!! Life was and still is good!! :)

[Chrissy8888]

For me growing up was not all bad. I wasn’t that ashamed of what I was doing. However I just had my moms clothing to wear. She did not have much of an assortment of clothing so that part was rather bland. It was fairly refreshing in that the topic of cross dressing became a conversation on many TV shows such as Opra and (only us older people will remember) Phil Donahue. I still think I kept in the closet pretty well however I also am pretty sure my mom suspected/knew all along I guess I was lucky in that I was never that ashamed, shocked, dismayed or anything else by it. I was able to accept that it was part of me. It actually seemed very normal for me. My true godsend happened when I moved out, which was about the time that internet became mainstream. The combination of the 2 was actually where self discovery occurred.

[LeotardMan]

Wow! Talk about a lot of moving post. First off I feel everyone’s pain. While I was lucky in a lot of cases it still had its hard parts. The first time I got caught I remember getting a nice long talk from my mom and being made to feel like what I was doing was along the lines of committing a crime. However, looking back she was probably hoping I was going thru a phase. I stopped for maybe a week if that but I was back at square one, dressing in my mom’s fitness clothing. A few years later my mom and I were taking separate karate classes together. One time I finished up with my class and she was still in her class and I saw her sparring. She was taking a good beating and part of her Karate outfit came off and she had one a leotard underneath. We got back after class and I remember taking that leotard and going into my room and pretending to be her. The next week when it was time for class I had on her leotard under my karate outfit because I wanted to be like her. Well, that class I had to spar and I got beat up pretty good and I got exposed. Well, that caused me and my mom a lot of torment for a long time. In karate class and school I took a lot of jokes and when my mom took karate class she was labeled the mom with the cross dressing son.

[jayme357]

I was fascinated by the discussion on this post. I don't remember ever feeling guilty over my desire to dress beginning at about the age of five. Because of career issues and certainly marraige the opportunity to dress changed often, but guilt was never really an issue. Frustration, tension, inability to communicate effectively for sure. But not guilt. It wasn't until I truly fell in love that guilt became an issue. As hard as she tried to be supportive I knew that given the choice she would rather have her man and not her girlfriend.

As a result I realized that each time I dressed I was taking something away from her that she truly valued. She does a wonderful job of supporting me, buying clothes, helping me with my makeup, encouraging me to go to tg meetings and so on. Still, as she has said, "if I had my choice, I would prefer my man." Welcome to my world of guilt.

[mike47]

Minus the time my mom caught me and my dad's beating it wasn't too bad. I really kept it pretty low keyed though. I really wish I would have done things differently but at the sametime I doubt it would have been accepted at all back then. Hard to say.

[Cathytg]

Who, me?? Grew up?? Oh, yeah.

I was (still am) an only child so I had no other source of clothes but my Mom's and I sampled whenever I could which was not all that often. We were also (very!) Catholic so that I knew that I could not share my little secret with anyone including my parents. I simply stayed in the closet; I had no clothes of my own. I always felt very ill at ease with boys and fared far better with groups of girls. It was not a positive experience to say the least.

When I was 22 I got stopped by the local police as I walked - fully dressed at night down a nearby street. The nice police folks called my parents to come and get me. That's right - I was 22! My Dad was speechless and my Mom went completely into denial and it was never mentioned again. But that was how issues were treated in those days in very conservative families. That is why I was so much more open when my daughter told me that she is bisexual.

Dressing was my "dirty little secret" until I turned 55 or so. I am 63 now. I missed the best parts of my life as a CD because of that. If you read are young and you read this, please avoid my mistakes. Please contact me.

[jina]

the following is condensed from my very first post a month ago entitled "puberty":

I always thought that I might be the *only* person in the world to have these feelings (I never conceived that at some point in my life there would be a thing like the internet that would connect me with others that actually experienced the same thing).

What I'm coming to terms with now is that I had *never* actually had an authentic relationship with anyone post puberty. That is a huge thing... it has shaped my whole life and all of my decisions. Just one big set of coping mechanisms... and just showing male friends what I wanted them to see... and yearning that girls would see me as a friend (and not always a potential relationship, or an opposite gender type). The thing that had been a consistent connection over all of the years is the effect lipstick (and to some extent makeup and clothes in general) had on me (now that I *own it* so to speak, I don't feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown when an opportunity comes just to try it on anymore) :). The thing I realize is that if I had just been able to develop normally, I wouldn't have had these overwhelming feelings to deal with in my life... and at this point I'm just coming to terms with how sad it all was, and unnecessary too.

When I hit puberty, I started noticing how my self concept was being undermined by the expectations around what my body was doing. And I *loved* makeup (hated my older sister's makeup tastes - all decadent lip glosses never any proper elegant lipsticks to try on... had to go to my mom's collection for that, which was far more risky ! was always terrified i'd be caught) and clothes... and being around girl talk etc. I remember one eve vividly when I had a set of pantyhose that were kept in a drawer in our guestroom... and I just started feeling sooooo desperate and despondent. I remember saying exactly... "I'm going to miss it, I'm going to miss it all !", "all of the fun and joy"... there was nothing the slightest bit dirty about it, or even sexual at that moment (although, I don't believe that's a bad thing either). I just knew the boat was leaving the shore without me *forever*. From that time on I was playing a sad game of being what people wanted and expected (well, as much as I could). Ironically I was popular in school... was voted "wittiest" in junior high and "most talented" my senior year (I'm a musician). That wit was a case of an oyster making a pearl out of a maddening irritant. I would be very funny at school (making an absolute fool out of myself) and then come home absolutely nauseous and conflicted feeling.. I can't believe I made it through it.

I am soooo glad to have the opportunity now to live and enjoy these things. I am going through a time now where i can actually truely mourn what happened to me during that lonely, forsaken and confusing time period.