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jeniinnylons
11-16-2008, 10:04 PM
So I know why I was scared to date. Its because of what I am.

I don't want to be this way anymore!!!!!

I was emailing with someone for months and then met her and started to date. Well feelings started so I told her about me. She told me it wasn't a big deal well come to find out. Guess what? Yup I was told that is why she has been being mean to me for the last week and that it's because I should have told her right off etc...

I HATE THIS LIFE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AmandaM
11-16-2008, 10:06 PM
chill, chill! So she's mad. Will she get over it?

jeniinnylons
11-16-2008, 10:09 PM
chill, chill! So she's mad. Will she get over it?

Nope told me I should have told her when we were emailing and that she doesn't want anything her ex could use to get custody of her boys etc....

:cry: I don't want to be this way anymore!

Kelly DeWinter
11-16-2008, 10:19 PM
Jennie,

Life will be OK, the sun will come up tomarrow, bills will be due at the end of the month, life will go on. The valuble lesson you learned, is that people expect honesty. Just think of the worry and anxiety you saved, by not starting a relationship with her . If things chang, then good, if she is willing to learn more about CD and TG, then it's worth the wait. If it's a closed door, wait for anotherone with someone else.

ReginaS
11-16-2008, 10:21 PM
Awe Sweetie; I know this sucks sometimes. I am so sorry this is happening in your life. I sure have been there. I still sometimes wish I was not this way either but I have discovered (often begrudgingly) that my evergrowing fem side is not going away and the only way I am even nominally happy is to accept it.
It is just not an easy life sometimes; my TG status has been the main cause of my marriages and significant relationships ending. I have been blackmailed. It is so sad the way so much of the world treats those that they don't understand and it really f**king hurts.
I feel caught between 2 worlds sometimes knowing that many of my friends, coworkers, etc would not be OK with all of who I really am and I even have some internaized genderism where I want to beat up on myself sometimes from experiences I have had like you are describing. I have faith and a belief that we are this way for a reason and it is not to be miserabe. I know that I can be happy and that there is a woman out there who will love me for who and how I am. My job is to be the best I can in the mean time
Hang in there Sweetie! We have to stick together!

jeniinnylons
11-16-2008, 10:22 PM
Jennie,

Life will be OK, the sun will come up tomarrow, bills will be due at the end of the month, life will go on. The valuble lesson you learned, is that people expect honesty. Just think of the worry and anxiety you saved, by not starting a relationship with her . If things chang, then good, if she is willing to learn more about CD and TG, then it's worth the wait. If it's a closed door, wait for anotherone with someone else.

So the same thing can happen.

I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THIS ANYMORE!!!!!!

MJ
11-16-2008, 10:26 PM
you did the right thing. you were honest with her. every gg here would tell you that. i am sorry it came to this but pick yourself up dust yourself off move along to your next big adventure in matters of the heart.

Kelly DeWinter
11-16-2008, 10:27 PM
It's no different, then if you met someone, and they found out something else (you have more bills then they do, an ilness, family who drain you dry). You have done yourself a FAVOR by bringing it up now rathern then later. what would have been better a messy end later ? You will NEVER find and accepting partner without telling them at some point.

ReineD
11-16-2008, 11:20 PM
So the same thing can happen.


I don't think so, Jenii. She didn't say she disliked the CDing. She said she doesn't want to risk losing custody of her boys. :sad: This situation is in a class all of its own.

She told you she would have liked being told in the beginning, I am guessing so as not to have wasted both your energies, since keeping custody of her boys is more important to her than finding someone with whom to be in a relationship.

I just went through a custody battle and I fully understand her feelings. My poor SO went through 2 years worth of paranoia on my part because I was terrified the facts might come out in court! My attorney explained that even though a person's gender or sexuality is not a factor legally in determining custody, judges are human and can allow circumstances affect their outlook. Unlike your situation though, our own relationship was not affected because I had already developed feelings for my SO before the process began.

Don't be discouraged ... :itsok: ... You did the right thing. Just find someone who isn't involved in a custody dispute next time! :hugs:

AmandaM
11-16-2008, 11:24 PM
It's better to find out now. I told a few girlfriends. Not all of them can deal with it. My wife knew after about one month of dates. She didn't care. There are women out there who will accept you!!!!

heidi99
11-16-2008, 11:26 PM
Hi, Jen.

So many others have said (and I agree) that it is possible that we are as we are for a reason, though we might not know what our mission is. I know that doesn't make the pain go away.

Let me revisit what you wrote in your post. You were honest with her when it became appropriate for you to do so (for some, that's right off the bat, for others it's when things start to get serious.) I think you showed courage when it mattered. You know what? Sometimes doing the right thing is the toughest, most lonely road of all, but it's really a question of honor. Take heart that yours is still intact.

Her comment about the timing of telling her, I think, might not be the real reason. I would wager that it has more to do with the custody issue, and while it stings, one has to try to see things from her point of view. On another dating site, I put stated one of my pet peeve are women who say that the kids will always come first. Now, don't get me wrong. I think kids are great, yada, yada, yada. However, relationships are tough enough in this day and age without setting such conditions. Additionally, when such a condition is imposed, I find it hard to believe that 100 percent dedication is expected in return. That's like giving a dollar and getting back 95 cents. If her image of a relationship was such that the order of importance was her/children/you, then it might have turned out for the best (although it might not feel that way right now.) There are lots of ladies out there, and I'm hopeful that there is an understanding one out there for each of us who seek and desire a relationship.

So hang in there, OK?

docrobbysherry
11-16-2008, 11:42 PM
But, u r TOTALLY rite to feel the way u do! No one can put down another person's feelings, because they r undeniable!

I think if u look at your GG friend after u have cooled, I believe she was using your dressing as an excuse to break it off. The custody thing sounds like a red herring to me. A handy excuse to do what she wanted to do. Or not, it doesn't really matter now. She's gone, move on.:thumbsup:

Jeni, u r unique. U r u, whether u CD or u don't. U will find a woman who likes U. Whether u smoke, drink, drive fast, watch sports, or CD; she'll have to decide how badly she wants U. Because U R the package that includes the things she likes and some she doesn't. We all r!:doh:

If u want to quit CDing. Go ahead. Or keep doing it. Do whatever makes u happy. A happy Jeni will attract people. An unhappy one, well U know!:sad:

Kathy Leigh
11-16-2008, 11:56 PM
Hi Honey,

I am sorry you are having a hard time. It seems to me that you really did everything right. Talking about CDing is not something you can tell everyone on the first date. You have to believe the person you want to tell has feelings for you and can keep your secret.

In your case its likely your romantic interest is really worried about her ex taking her children away and is not rejecting you. Maybe when that situation resolves itself your relationship will change.

We are who we are. Let your sisters be your shoulder to lean on. I hope and pray you feel better about yourself and your life soon.


Love,



Kathy Leigh

PamelaTX
11-17-2008, 12:02 AM
Well Jeni,

You can be whatever you want to be. When I was in my early teens I decided to give up crossdressing forever. I stopped doing it and forced myself to stop thinking about it. I gave up everything feminine about myself and modeled my behavior after the most masculine men I knew. I lived that way for many, many years. Was this a wise decision? Probably not, although I did manage to avoid certain kinds of difficulties this way, it didn't make life any easier. I feel like I've lived much of my life using only half my brain.

So chicks dump you because you're a crossdresser. If you give up crossdressing, they'll dump you for other reasons. If you're ambitious and have a lot of drive they'll dump you because they don't want to be the wife of a CEO. If you're laid back and take life as it comes, they'll dump you because you have no ambition. It goes on and on and seldom makes much sense.

My advice is to continue doing what you love to do, love yourself for what you are, and keep looking for that special someone who will do the same. Finding a girlfriend is hard, and finding a spouse is even harder. But don't give up. You'll find what you're looking for eventually.

battybattybats
11-17-2008, 12:29 AM
This up-front from the start is such a pile of dung!

Almost no-one on earth confesses all their drawbacks, dark secrets, kinks and taboo desires on the first date and the few who do likely suffer a developmental disorder, a learning disorder, a mental illness or are on the autism-spectrum like having Aspergers!

It takes time to earn peoples trust. Thats the way it is, the way it needs to be and the way it should be.

For people to say 'well you should have told me from the very start' are dissmissing the oppression CDs face and its just as simplistic to say 'well no-one ever should have any issue dating or marrying a CD' as it is to say 'you should have been up front from the start'.

Yes when it comes to a commitment level like marriage then it is reasonable to expect enough trust should have been developed before making that commitment. But have those wives disclosed every detail of their entire sexual and romantic history? All their secrets and indiscretions? Rarely so.

But still by that point it is ideally the case that people will disclose all their dark secrets. But expecting something taboo that can be used against you to be stated from the outset before trust is earned?

A pile of dung is what that reasoning is.

As for custody, if thats her only real problem then when things get serious enough move to a state where TG rights are protected or fight for those rights where you are now.

ReineD
11-17-2008, 03:43 AM
On another dating site, I put stated one of my pet peeve are women who say that the kids will always come first. However, relationships are tough enough in this day and age without setting such conditions. Additionally, when such a condition is imposed, I find it hard to believe that 100 percent dedication is expected in return.

But when kids are young enough, their needs are immediate and they do have to come first! Even when they are teenagers and are more independent, a parent's first responsibility is to be available should the situation require it. This doesn't mean allowing a capricious child to dictate the parent's dating.

Balancing children's needs with dating is something both my single brother and my female friends have found most challenging. Single parents of younger children have told me they prefer dating other single parents because they do understand this. But then the situation becomes even more complicated because there are two separate sets of kids and circumstances to deal with, and two exes who sometimes back out of taking the kids at the last minute! :eek:

I cannot thank my SO enough for being so understanding while I still had custody of my son! :<3: I felt torn every time there was a conflict.


This up-front from the start is such a pile of dung!

It takes time to earn peoples trust. Thats the way it is, the way it needs to be and the way it should be.

I'm sure most people would agree with you! :hugs:



As for custody, if thats her only real problem then when things get serious enough move to a state where TG rights are protected or fight for those rights where you are now.

Sadly, this is not always feasible or practical for the obvious reasons you cannot just pull up roots and move in order to fight for a cause, even if you do believe in it strongly. There are children and jobs to consider.

And even if you are in a state where TG rights are protected, judges in custody cases have tremendous leeway and some of them are misguided, omnipotent, arrogant, self-important oafs, who find subtle ways to ignore evidence and circumvent prior decisions handed down by the appellate court, twisting facts to suit their preconceived, biased views. They rule the way they see fit, based on their own prejudices or on how much the richer (read male) parent has contributed to their campaign fund, requiring the parent (read female) who loses custody to find an enormous amount of funds she does not have in order to take the case to a higher court in the hopes, although there are no guarantees, of having the idiot's judge's decision overturned.

I apologize for the rant, but this did happen in my case, even though the issue was not TGism. We like to think courts will uphold the law, but unfortunately this is not always the case. I do understand jenii's gf's fear of giving her ex ammunition should he find out about the CDing.

Bethany_Anne_Fae
11-17-2008, 03:48 AM
I don't think so, Jenii. She didn't say she disliked the CDing. She said she doesn't want to risk losing custody of her boys. :sad: This situation is in a class all of its own.
:

Yes it is! and I'll add that this sort of thing goes on even if CDing weren't involved. I have a very close friend who can't even be a part of the renassance faire circuit because it can be construed as bad for the children in regards to custody situation.
There is nothing a mother will let stand between her and her children and thats a fact of life you cannot change or should ever try.

I have found a couple of accepting S/0s in my life and you can find another one too.

Lastly, you cant change who you are on the inside no matter what you do she will always be there. If you do, I think you might run the risk of being more miserable in the long run than you are feeling at this very moment.

Sorry you are going through this

*hugs*

Zarabeth

Nicole Erin
11-17-2008, 05:42 AM
Jenniinnylons, I remember you from PHD. :) Is that ol butt-hat hubs still modding?

Anyways, Don;t worry too much. One, would you really want to date some women with kids that are young enough for custody to be an issue? Kids are a total pain.

Plus, the whole CD'ing fact doesn't need to come out until it looks like things could get serious, like she is wanting to move in or marry.
Unlike SOME people's opinion, you just don't open a set with "HI, my name is Joe, I like to wear women's clothes".

Some people think that is a good idea but she will probably see it as baggage. And trust me, she probably has her own baggage that you won't find out about until things get serious.
Secure a relationship, and THEN come out with it, but don't wait until mariage or if she is shacking up with you.

MsJanessa
11-17-2008, 07:00 AM
The downside to being up front about your cding from the start of a relationship is that the lady might reject you out of hand because of it. The upside is that it is good to get that aspect of your life out to her--after all it is very important to you and if she can't handle it, its much better to know at the start of the relationship then years into it after you have developed emotional ties yourself---Trust me darling, it is a lot easier to end a relationship after a week or so, then have to end it after a year or two. The alternative is to never tell her, which means you spend your whole life in the closet--

Janie Gunn
11-17-2008, 07:17 AM
I agree with Battybattybats
It takes time to earn peoples trust. Thats the way it is, the way it needs to be and the way it should be.

Dont beat yourself up over it, Jenniinnylons.
I reckon all she probably cares about is the custody battle. Her coming up with that as the reason, I would wonder how much she really cared about you. If the cd'ing wasnt really a problem to her, then if she really loved/wanted to date you, then other factors shouldnt come into the equation. But personally IMO, I dont think that would be a good time to get involved with a woman. She's could be going through a huge bit**in fight with her ex over the custody of the kids, and do you really want to be in the middle of that?

Janie

Sarah Martin
11-17-2008, 07:48 AM
Jeni,

Just a few thoughts to try to help....

You were right to tell her, and I think you choose the right moment. It could be argued that a little earlier might have been better, but I don't think you should beat yourself up for telling her when you did.

Her reaction might just be due to the 'initial shock' and may change when she sits down and realises that she is about to lose such a wonderful friend.

I can understand her concerns about the children...but having a CD as a friend is no threat to her custody of the kids. Although she may be thinking you two are a serious item and you may move in at some point in the future, which would colour her views.

If she wants to be with you she will accept you as you are - CD and all. If she does not want to accept that Jeni comes as part of the package then - and I'm sorry to say this - she probably isn't the girl for you.

I truly hope things work out. Judging by all the replies to this thread I think there is a lot of concern for you. Please write in the forum and let us all know how you get on.

Hugs,
Sarah

Karren H
11-17-2008, 08:01 AM
You have the same attitude as does a friend of mine... "Life sucks then you die". And that outlook doesn't serve him well either.....

Jennifer Devine
11-17-2008, 08:04 AM
We all go through some bad experiences as crossdressers in life but it doesn't mean you should give up.
There is no point in being with her if she can't accept you for who you are or make some sort of comprimise.
Even if you do stop crossdressing because of this, the feelings of wanting to do it will still be there. It is a part of who you are as a person.

Michelia
11-17-2008, 11:06 AM
We all go through some bad experiences as crossdressers in life but it doesn't mean you should give up.
There is no point in being with her if she can't accept you for who you are or make some sort of comprimise.
Even if you do stop crossdressing because of this, the feelings of wanting to do it will still be there. It is a part of who you are as a person.

Sometimes we go through low points. I guess this is where you are now. It usually gets better. Hang in there. There are many women out there. Maybe this is the right one if you are willing to be patient and work it out. It would take hours to tell you the nightmares I went through with my divorce.

I agree with those that say that these are not the ideal circumstances to start a relationship. But I do not think you should just walk away from it if it is the right girl for you. I have remarried and my wife's daughter is totally accepting and so is my ex. CDing is not an issue in our life. If anyone had told me this was possible a few years ago, I would have thought them nuts.

Getting a more positive attitude will help you. Think of possibilities and how to solve problems, not how unsurmountable they are.

jeniinnylons
11-17-2008, 03:41 PM
Thanks for the posts but it doesn't make it any easier.

She has custody of her kids but he has taken her back for more time. She told me that she is afraid that if he found out he would try to take them. Mine don't know and I am afraid myself of them knowing some day.

I have it hard enough already having kids I am raising with sole custody. My dating time is very very very limited.

I have so many downsides to me that was part of why I just wouldn't date until now. Let's say my negatives def outweigh my positives for anyone wanting to date me.

This is the worst and I just wish it would go away for good.

I can easily list them but am afraid that someone may read it and figure out who I am.