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wishfulcd
11-19-2008, 10:19 PM
I am new to the forum and have been reading a lot, but it would seem that no one has touched this issue. I am happily married, for quite some time too, and we have always enjoyed a reasonable amount, and quality, of sexual activity. About a year ago, I opened up about my crossdressing, and since then it has been all down hill. Obviously my SO does not approve, but tolerates within certain limits.

I was wondering if this is a normal consecuence, or am I in more trouble than I thought ???

Wishful

Anita Mae GG
11-19-2008, 10:25 PM
I guess it all depends upon the person. I found it more sexually stimulating to add cding into the mix. Then hubby stopped dressing and having sex with me so can't tell you why we all do what we do. I think every situation is different and every SO has their limitations. Try asking her about it. Maybe the cding in the sexual aspect isn't comfortable with her. Maybe ask what would make her comfortable. Just remember as you have sacrificed over the years she may be sacrifing now for you and your happiness to "out". Communication is the key in this realm.

SexyLatexSamantha
11-19-2008, 10:45 PM
My G/F loves it when I dress. Our sex life has been great since I told her about my dressing. She would have it no other way.

Holly
11-19-2008, 10:53 PM
I would agree with Anita Mae. You need to have a discussion with your wife. While it is possible that she is having some difficulties adapting your CDing into your relationship, it is also just as possible that there is some other reason causing her response to you physically to have changed. As yoiu have been "happily married for quite some time," entering into an honest discussion with her should be fairly easy.

Bethany_Anne_Fae
11-19-2008, 11:18 PM
Like the others have said... TALK about it with her. Keep the communication lines open and listen.

and do it soon.

*hugs*

Zarabeth

wishfulcd
11-19-2008, 11:40 PM
We have been talking about it......when I push the subject, my SO ignores it. Every discussion about my CDing comes from me trying to re-open the subject, never do I get a voluntary response, or Q&A from the other side. It's like .... I hear what you are saying, but this is not what I want or what I signed up for....and.....keep it to yourself.

For my SO it is best not talked about, not discussed, or analyzed, and....keep it to a minimum. Do not affect or involve ME. So I minimize any conflict, but the relationship has already suffered, in a measurable way!!

So, repeating myself, I opened up, found inacceptace, am again in the closet, but also ruined my normal sexual life. Quite distressing !!!

mykhelee
11-19-2008, 11:48 PM
Welcome to a very large club. When I opened up to my most-recent-ex-wife, same thing happened. After I purged and stopped dressing the sex came back, when I re-entered the closet and she found my stash, downhill again, purged, uphill.
We went on like this for several years. She realized I could never give up dressing for her completely.....the rest is history.

joann426
11-19-2008, 11:54 PM
its not about sex life at a certian age a women loses all sexual activity but just tell her you still love her as you did before and enjoy her company but on your side you still like to dress i have told mine and tolorates it and i dont give it up for nothing:love:

Daintre
11-19-2008, 11:56 PM
Hi wishful, what your SO has said to you has been said by other SO's here, it isn't what they signed on for and they only want the man they married. If you were upfront at the beginning of the relationship, she could have decided if your dressing was a deal killer.

Unfortunately you are now in the position of finally telling your SO and the reaction was certainly not what you wished for. The problem now is that once that closet door is opened , what was in the closet can't be stuffed back in.

I hope that you and your SO can communicate, and work on the relationship, good luck my friend

Karren H
11-20-2008, 12:20 AM
What's sex again?? :D

Bethany_Anne_Fae
11-20-2008, 01:22 AM
what your SO has said to you has been said by other SO's here, it isn't what they signed on for and they only want the man they married. If you were upfront at the beginning of the relationship, she could have decided if your dressing was a deal killer

THIS sums up the situation quite well. Unfortunatley for the OP, there isn't going to be an easy solution short of maybe both going to counseling of some kind, finding a halfway point, or breaking up.

This is why I stand firm on the honesty issue BEFORE things get serious. Its never an easy choice to make, but myself & others will tell you that being up front saved us a lot of grief as well.

Zarabeth

GG Pearls
11-20-2008, 01:59 AM
I'm the GG in the relationship, and sex has definately changed since my SO came out. Right now, I can't say I understand it, but there are some questions that go through my mind and I guess I/we still have a lot of work to do...we communicate but Rome wasn't built in a day, either. It takes time...
Question 1: Am I supposed to act like a lesbian? is my SO actually a lesbian in a male body? Question 2: Now that I know what's up with my SO and it explains a lot, how can I just go on like nothing happened? Question 3: Am I every going to have sex with my SO as a man again? Did I ever?! ...and so on. It's very confusing really and hard to figure out. I hope this helps somehow. Hugs to you.

Bethany_Anne_Fae
11-20-2008, 02:09 AM
GGPearls,
You should give the "Loved ones" forum a look as there is a lot there that will help you understand most of us better. The GGs here are the awesome and will help out in any way they can.
Its good to have your input here as well.

*hugs*

Zarabeth

Di
11-20-2008, 02:13 AM
Hi wishful, what your SO has said to you has been said by other SO's here, it isn't what they signed on for and they only want the man they married. If you were upfront at the beginning of the relationship, she could have decided if your dressing was a deal killer.



THIS sums up the situation quite well. Unfortunatley for the OP, there isn't going to be an easy solution short of maybe both going to counseling of some kind, finding a halfway point, or breaking up.

This is why I stand firm on the honesty issue BEFORE things get serious. Its never an easy choice to make, but others will tell you that being upo front saved them a lot of grief as well.

Zarabeth

Great advice ladies! And exactly what alot of GG's go through when they are told or find out much later. She prob sees you in a different way...or not sure of her feelings.about it. So give her time you had your entire life to know how you feel about it all..................please remind her how much you love her and that you ARE the same person she fell in love with.
Even though it seems really bad right now it would have been worse for her to find out by accident as the feelings of betrayal take time to heal. She might feel some betrayal if it took you years to tell her the truth......I am sure you both can
work through this.:hugs:

Sarah_GG
11-20-2008, 04:19 AM
I'm afraid I'm falling into the 'what's sex' category.

After my SO told me about his CDing things improved for a bit... now though it's pretty non-existent. I still have a sex drive, but his seems to have dropped off!

:sad:

Jess_cd32
11-20-2008, 06:07 AM
My SO has seen me dressed twice I believe over the years, I did bring it up again about a year ago and her reply to it was "you just turned me off totally" so discussing it w/ her in my situation is extremly difficult.
Every now and then she will make a positive comment about how I looked but they are far and few and said in a humorous manner.

I'm very open to talk about anything, she's a tough one though, not only about cd-ing but other matters as well like wills, trusts, dieing, sex, financial matters etc... she just doesn't want to deal with alot of issues and its very frustrating.

She has been thru alot since we've been together over the years w/ family losses etc... so thinking maybe she's still dealing with enough already. So currently I just handle most everything myself.
As far as our sex life, she's very private so I'll respect that, but as for me I'm not complaining:)

karynspanties
11-20-2008, 06:31 AM
Welcome to the club. The majority of women are turned off by crossdressing. There are a wonderful few out there that enjoy it or see nothing wrong with it, but for the majority, once they find out their man is dressing like a woman, it changes the way they see him. During sex, even if he is not wearing anything they have that image in their head and are turned off. Once they find out about your activities, your relationship will never be the same. It may get better if she is into it, but it probably will get worse. If she really hates it and you continue to crossdress the possibility of divorce dramatically increases.

yms
11-20-2008, 07:42 AM
I'm the GG in the relationship, and sex has definately changed since my SO came out. Right now, I can't say I understand it, but there are some questions that go through my mind and I guess I/we still have a lot of work to do...we communicate but Rome wasn't built in a day, either. It takes time...
Question 1: Am I supposed to act like a lesbian? is my SO actually a lesbian in a male body? Question 2: Now that I know what's up with my SO and it explains a lot, how can I just go on like nothing happened? Question 3: Am I every going to have sex with my SO as a man again? Did I ever?! ...and so on. It's very confusing really and hard to figure out. I hope this helps somehow. Hugs to you.


Thanks. This is very informative.

Lori and I have a very enjoyable sex life but crossdressing is not a part of it. We tried once or twice early on but it didn't do anything for us. I guess we knew what the limits were. The decision to keep crossdressing out of our sex life was mutual.


Really?

Somebody once asked Coco Chanel, aged eighty, at what age a woman lost her desire for sex. "Good heavens!" she answered, "how should I know?"

I have one thing to say...

:rofl:

Tip or Ozma
11-21-2008, 10:31 PM
During the past three years my wife has found it increasingly painful to experience intercourse--a result of menopause. Her interest in her own pleasure has lessened. Nevertheless, during this period we have become closer an more intimate on other levels as I opened up more about myself and about crossdressing. We continue to experience intimacy from hand holding to "heavy petting." And certainly crossdressing is not always involved, but it has become a pleasant outlet and a way to reduce any pressure for either of us as we deal with the changes in our life. My libido was severely diminished eight to ten years ago during cancer treatment, but has revived with added vigor possibly and probably due to the freedom I have to express myself with women's clothing. It seems to be a plus for both of us.

Marjory
11-21-2008, 10:58 PM
I told my first wife before marriage that I liked to wear women's clothes and she "loved" the idea. she had gone to a very liberal college and knew other "strange folk" (this was 1967). She was very accepting of it and we had a lot of fun. Very suddenly, 7 years after we were married, she told me she wanted to be married to a real man. No other explanation, she died in 1990 so I never got a chance to ask her what the real reason was, I do not believe it was the CDing. You just never know.

ErikaLadyoftheDesert
11-22-2008, 12:07 AM
Karyn you nailed it. My SO told me that ever time we try and have sex she sees me dressed even when I am not, and it is really big turn off for her. I agree divorce is probably not far off. She is already seeing someone on the side now, he is very hairy and very masculine. OUCH:eek:

txrobinm
11-22-2008, 12:57 AM
This is hard. My wife knew before we were married. She has no interest in participating in any way with the CDing- just the thought of me in a skirt/heels/etc is a complete and sudden turnoff. I attempted to give it up for her, but it wasn't possible. After 2001, a carpe diem mentality set in with me, along with an affair with a woman interested in exploring my feminine side.
I ended the affair upon its discovery (looking back I know it wouldn't have lasted anyway) and we got counseling. A compromise was struck on my CD activities, and my wife sees that it is an important part of me. I agreed not to dress in public, and we would set aside time and place for it (instead of a total ban, she tolerates it). Problem is, in a "don't ask/don't tell" environment, I feel I can never ask for the time or place due to it being a complete turnoff. Plus the house is only so big, and lonely- why should I continue under these conditions?
In loneliness I have begun reaching out, thankfully finding this forum. While even here I manage to be a non-conformist (prefer not to impersonate, only pursuing wigs and makeup as a necessary disguise in Bubba-land), the loneliness is abating, and outings are being planned.
While my wife and I have many great conversations and enjoy each other's company, neither of us really knows how long the relationship can stand under such conflicting pressures. Perhaps it is time for us to be great friends and seek lovers and emotional connections elsewhere. I'll keep trying to figure out how to balance it all, but as I said at the beginning, it's hard.

AmandaM
11-22-2008, 01:14 AM
My wife doesn't mind, but she does like "the man" to come visit her chamber too. So, maybe she wants you to man up sometimes?

Laura_Stephens
11-22-2008, 05:40 AM
My wife and I never had what one would classify as a very active sex life. After I disclosed my dressing to her some years ago, sex stopped. We have had sex 4 or 5 times in the last decade.

jennylogan
11-22-2008, 06:01 AM
The sex life took a hit when I first came out to her. But after some couples therapy and the passage of time she came to accept and support my femme side. Our sex life now is back to where it was before I broke the news- it's pretty good and fairly regular. The only caveat being when we do the horizontal tango, the girl stuff stays in the closet. Maybe some day that will change because we've both come along way in dealing with my cd side. Would be the answer to one of my most enduring fantasies.

Shari
11-22-2008, 06:31 AM
I too, just came out to my wife about a year ago, but with one huge exception.
My wife accepted me, and our playtime is better than it has been for a very long time.

You need acceptance from her. You both feel guilt and she feels like less of a woman because she feels you're trying to find stimulation from somewhere or something other than her.
She's also been shocked and it will take awhile for her to let it sink in.
You can't take away what you said or who you are.
I know you were hoping for something better from her, but sometimes things don't always go according to plan.

You need to sit and talk about it. It's hard, but it's necessary. I just hope that your lives have not been affected outside of the bedroom too.
Good luck.
I hope you two can find more than just a level of toleration.

vcast
11-22-2008, 07:08 AM
I guess i'm one of the lucky ones. My wife gets very turned on when i dress she has excepted it from day one almost 8 yrs ago:love:

Nadia-Maria
11-22-2008, 07:12 AM
...we have always enjoyed a reasonable amount, and quality, of sexual activity. About a year ago, I opened up about my crossdressing, and since then it has been all down hill. Obviously my SO does not approve, but tolerates within certain limits.

I was wondering if this is a normal consecuence, or am I in more trouble than I thought ???

Wishful

After such a coming out and with a tolerating wife, it's very important to apply a strict "baby steps" policy, and to express much love and caring to the wife.

Even so, I believe there will be a noticeable decrease in sexual activity in the couple.

I believe this is due to two mains reasons :

1) decrease originating in the SO's mind ; because the man will definately be belittled - or at least questionned - in the eyes of the spouse

2) decrease originating in the CD's behaviour ; because it will be easier to express her female side, the CD will need less masculine sexuality ; to a certain extent feeling female will compensate a certain loss of sexual drive to the spouse.

However, a new balance (less sexuality vs. more expressed true love) in the couple can be achieved and can even be an improvement of the global communication between both spouses.


A year after coming out to my SO (only tolerating my CDing), I believe it is what has happened in our couple. The sexuality has decreased in quantity, not in quality.

mklinden2010
11-22-2008, 09:51 AM
Being older can provide more experience to apply to such questions and answers.

My first wife was into "it," whatever it turned out to be: "Here, let's try this. That goes towards the front."

My second wife, "got it," but didn't want to do too much with "it." She'd say, "I want to be THE woman in this relationship."

Girlfriends (after my wife died) thought it interesting and a few got "revved up" by it. Some had bigger ideas than I did...

Examples:

"Really, that does it for you?! We can cook together!"

"Wanna be twins?"

"You want me to help get you a guy at the party?

"How often are we talking about here? I have to work for a living, you know."

"Huh... But, you're with me, right?"

"Do ME."

"I just have one question about you and sex... When are we having sex again? Now would be good."

Honestly, it seems if people find you attractive - for your looks, skill, strength, wisdom, whatever, they look for a way to get along - or, they get gone so someone else can.

Just be worth someone's time and trouble and they'll be more likely to be on your side. That's not the same with each and every person, of course, but it's up to you to chose who YOU want to be with too.

My SO these days has, I think, the best focus, she likes ME and wants to see me safe and happy. Period.

(Yes, prioritize "like," not love. She likes me and I have to be on my toes not to loose that "liking." Love can be torture because who knows love and what to do about it? "Like" has less worry attached to it and is easier to live and work with. Like the person, love the relationship.)

Honesty is the best policy - usually a "need to know" basis keeps things easier. Not everybody needs to know, but if they eventually do, by then it will be, "So what?"

Start by being honest with yourself, get strong about that, and live your life - and your SOs life - as well as you can manage.

Nothing is perfect, but some things ARE better than others.

Good luck and good living.

Valerie
11-22-2008, 10:59 AM
Question 1: Am I supposed to act like a lesbian? is my SO actually a lesbian in a male body? Question 2: Now that I know what's up with my SO and it explains a lot, how can I just go on like nothing happened? Question 3: Am I every going to have sex with my SO as a man again? Did I ever?!
Dear GGPearls: I hope you get good and useful replies from the many wise GGs in this forum. The questions you ask are excellent. As you may have found out, if you have read a few postings in this forum, we come in all types and styles. My suggestion would be to take a look at the photographs in the gallery. What strikes me there is the happiness they express. It is hard to set aside the labels, but the truth is that we--human beings--are very complex and changing. Don't let the present act as a total erasure or rewriting of the past, or fast prediction of the future. If you love the person of your SO, can you focus on his happiness (as well as yours, of course) and love it? I have to share with you that my love for my wife has deepened and even increased since I can express my female side, to which she has been welcoming. As for sex, I can't separate it from feeling, so I find it now even better (and I am with Coco on this...). With best wishes to both of you,

Valerie :hugs:

Sophia de la luz
11-22-2008, 09:55 PM
I find it quite remarkable the range of people's experiences with sex and their SOs.
My heart goes out to the ladies who are living in so much isolation. The tension around expressing yourself freely and being loved must be absolutely intense.
It's nice when life offers up self expression and love in the same frame.

As for marriage, sex and keeping the juices alive... lots of great things have been said.

Mollyanne
11-23-2008, 06:23 AM
What's sex again?? :D

I don't know, but I can spell it!!!!!

:love: Mollyanne

Melora
11-23-2008, 08:16 AM
Though She found out, And I told her about it, And she accepted me.. = Not much different.. She just wants the male me, though she promises the other reality..

Raychel
11-23-2008, 09:05 AM
Our life has been at an all time low for several years now, long before she was introduced to my CDing. It really has not affected our intimate time much at all. At least nothing noticable. But I believe that she pretty much accepts that side fo me. So that is a big help.

karynspanties
11-24-2008, 06:39 AM
Karyn you nailed it. My SO told me that ever time we try and have sex she sees me dressed even when I am not, and it is really big turn off for her. I agree divorce is probably not far off. She is already seeing someone on the side now, he is very hairy and very masculine. OUCH:eek:

And yor still there because????

KisfofKatie
11-24-2008, 09:31 AM
Wow what a mixed bag of replies - All aspects of our fantasy life improved when my wife found out about my CDing, we rarely have "just sex" anymore although it doesnt always have to involve crossdressing.

Jennifer Cox
11-24-2008, 06:34 PM
What's sex again?? :D

Something I could do in my twenties, but not anymore - not that I get much chance to find out! :sad:

paulaN
11-24-2008, 10:05 PM
Your screwed. She can not get the picture of you as a girl out of her head. That makes her a,,,you know. And it is eating her up. That is kinda what my wife has said to me. I hope you can work it out with her. talk talk and talk some more. And I don't mean about cross dressing either. I mean about her feelings. It's all about her. so keep talking don't ever stop. If you do you will most likely end up in divorce court like I did. I hope you don't. It was so painful. I wish you the very best.