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curse within
11-22-2008, 05:22 PM
As a child 3-4 years old I experianced my first urges to Crossdress..Please keep that in mind as you read..I was raised with two olders brothers all of us a year apart,one younger sister..My mother and father divorced the first year I was born leaving me with a strict stepfather at 3 years of age..

I remember the jealousy rants my stepfather would show towards me time and time again during that age period and up to my younger teens...If at the younger age of 3 to 4 years old I wanted to sleep with my mother after wakeing from my own bed and wanting to be near her ... I would recieve such rants or anytime I would demanded her attention..

I found myself unknowingly at that age wearing my younger sister clothes more often with my sister present ..a little cloudy as to why I was and not remembering fully what happen when I was caught by my mother . But a price was paid when my stepfather got home from work... That price was my stepfather forceing me to once again wear my sisters clothing and make fun of me while doing it.. He would call me names and have my brothers join in all laughing at me...My mother would allow this to happen and not interfere..

Through out that time period of my life we lived on a farm and far away from haveing any neighborhood friends.. I was closer to my sister and my aunt who was a year younger than my sister..We did things together because my older brothers would not allow me hang with them..I wasn't dressing any longer after a few bouts with my stepfather and didn't until puberty started,then it was strictly in the closet..

So now I find myself crossdressing secretly in a time of my life with my male hormones are going crazy early teens!! Why? I don't have an answer for that but a better understanding.. I didn't catch on and do not feel it is a perverted act on my part when after I "release my male instinct", the urge to dress goes away. I have never tied my crossdressing urges to testosterone,until recently
heres why..

After the "male instict is released" the urges goes away why? Because in that event my body begins to produce testosterone it is at that point to where it is at it's peak.. I can honestly say I have no urges or desires to dress , does the urge and desire come back?? Yes!! But not right after not within a few days ,sometimes weeks, sometimes months and in that span there is no desire to dress.. period.. No I don't consider this a fetish because the urge to dress isn't to settle my sexual desire , I have to do it to rid my desire to feel femme or it won't go away and sometimes I have to force the act.!!

Yes I was (am) married and yes we had a healthy sex life but no it wasn't always and from time to time and yes crossdressing did play a part in that. I do not choose when I feel the urge to dress it chooses me...

Thanks for reading and I welcome any thoughts or comments.

C.W.

ReineD
11-22-2008, 06:03 PM
After the "male instict is released" the urges goes away why? Because in that event my body begins to produce testosterone it is at that point to where it is at it's peak.. I can honestly say I have no urges or desires to dress , does the urge and desire come back?? Yes!! But not right after not within a few days ,sometimes weeks, sometimes months and in that span there is no desire to dress.. period.. No I don't consider this a fetish because the urge to dress isn't to settle my sexual desire , I have to do it to rid my desire to feel femme or it won't go away and sometimes I have to force the act.!!

Thanks for reading and I welcome any thoughts or comments.

Here is another thread (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=86895) that discusses a similar question.

curse within
11-22-2008, 07:13 PM
Reine,

Wow thanks that was helpful in a way...I look to stray from dressing which bring me to saying this...If that feeling is possiable and the desires do go away then isn't that something that Science could be looking into as a possiable treatment?

docrobbysherry
11-22-2008, 07:26 PM
--- after I "release my male instinct", the urge to dress goes away. I have never tied my crossdressing urges to testosterone,until recently
heres why..
After the "male instict is released" the urges goes away why? Because in that event my body begins to produce testosterone it is at that point to where it is at it's peak.. I can honestly say I have no urges or desires to dress , does the urge and desire come back?? Yes!! But not right after. I have to do it to rid my desire to feel femme or it won't go away and sometimes I have to force the act.!!C.W.

Ok. So, I dress so I can get release and that makes me not want to dress for awhile! Hmmm. Not sure I CAN use that, after reading my own post! I don't think anyone would buy that about me! :brolleyes:

Curse, whatever works for U is completely cool! We all have to deal with our CD urges a bit differently!:eek:

curse within
11-22-2008, 07:31 PM
LOL thanks Sherry lets hope it doesn't make me blind..Just kidding
:eek:

Jonianne
11-22-2008, 07:49 PM
CW, after reading your original post, I hope you have found or will find a good therapist that will help you deal with the far more important issues of an abusive and disfucntional childhood.

A good therapist would immeadiatly look far past the crossdressing and begin to address those other issues that probably affect many more things than your fear of what crossdressing does.

Even if the crossdressing is just a way for you to relive stress, getting rid of the cd'ing would only be like trying to fix a car by painting over some rust spots when the engine is smoking and has been running without oil for years.

Does this make any sense?

curse within
11-22-2008, 08:01 PM
CW, after reading your original post, I hope you have found or will find a good therapist that will help you deal with the far more important issues of an abusive and disfucntional childhood.

A good therapist would immeadiatly look far past the crossdressing and begin to address those other issues that probably affect many more things than your fear of what crossdressing does.

Even if the crossdressing is just a way for you to relive stress, getting rid of the cd'ing would only be like trying to fix a car by painting over some rust spots when the engine is smoking and has been running without oil for years.

Does this make any sense?
Oh yes that does make sense Joni..I only remain here to study everyone elses ways of expressing it...I have made up my mind stopping is prority number one...I am not looking for sympathy,I am not looking for debate just answers..I have learned a lot about myself and crossdressing since becomeing a memeber to this forum and for that, I have everyone here to thank.. This place is truley good therapy in fact money can not buy this type of therapy..

I just don't want it no more I will start the days of not dressing and let everyone know how long I went..

Nicki B
11-22-2008, 08:17 PM
CW, how old are you now?

curse within
11-22-2008, 08:26 PM
Nicki ,

I am 43 years old...This is the first place I have ever talked about dressing and I have seen a therapist..That was a waste of money .. I'm a little ilitterate so sometimes my meaning or how I express myself comes out wrong sorry to those I have offended.

Nicki B
11-22-2008, 09:02 PM
Classic time to start coming out to yourself, then? :D


If I may suggest... Many of us waste years, trying to explain this, as if that could lead to a 'cure'.

If an explanation was simple, it would have been found by now - it's much easier to accept that, like you were born with whatever colour eyes or hair, or left or right-handed, that's just the way you are. Life can only become more pleasant if you try to find how that part of you can be a asset to you and not a hindrance?

Treat any dysphoria you feel by dressing and acting as your desired gender - for most of us, that 'acting' is not hard, it's a matter of throwing off the learned 'masculine' behaviours (and you sound as if you've had plenty deeply ingrained into you)?

It's not just quickly delving inside yourself - it means peeling back layers of learnt 'camouflage', like onion skins - and that takes time.

Jonianne
11-22-2008, 09:10 PM
.......sometimes my meaning or how I express myself comes out wrong.......

CW, trying to express a 3 dimensional world on a 2 dimensional screen is very tricky at best for all of us. No matter what your decision about crossdressing is, I do support you and I am sure most here will. This is all about finding what works for us and what is best in each of our lives.

Hugs,

Joni

Deborah Jane
11-22-2008, 09:17 PM
Hi CW, i,m not sure i can help you much with what you,re seeking, but i truly hope you can find the happiness in your life that you seek and honestly deserve.
This seems to be differant for many of us and what we hope to get from it is very often differant to what others are seeking.

I hope by being here you can find your own Holy Grail so that you can be truly happy in your life :)

Alice Torn
11-23-2008, 01:10 AM
CW, As a fellow child of a dysfunctional, abusive home, Your story touches me, though I have never had sex with anyone, nor had a wife. I almost did once. I am also in a small church, which would never accept my cding, so, must keep it secret. I masturbated every time i dressed, for sometime. But, now, I seldom have the sex drive, to get it up, when dressed. It takes much more time, and work, so, I don't have the physical, energy, to dress as often. Not having the urge , or at least very seldom, to dress, may be a good thing. It would be nice, to not want to smoke, drink, overeat, or even dress up, if that would be best for you. It aint easy! I find dressing up is hard work, but quite pleasurable, when fully dolled up, but, I am finding myself just too tired to do it much. I wish you success, regardless, of your situation, as do most on here. We are all a little different.

Tina B.
11-23-2008, 12:18 PM
CW, your story is a very sad one, and I hope you find what you need, but remember, for some, to not dress brings on depression, and or repressed anger. So be careful and watch for the signs, don't try so hard that you hurt the ones you love and yourself by becoming someone you don't like, just to get rid a part of you that you don't like.
All the best to you, and I hope you find what you are looking for, we all deserve peace and happiness in our lives.
Tina

curse within
11-23-2008, 03:16 PM
I just want to say thanks for all the support and advise all of you.. thank you so much..I had a date last night ..A nice attractive lady it went well she even stayed the night..These kind words I am recieveing from people like you really helped me in being a gentelman and re assured my qullt over my dressing issues a deep dark secret that always weigh heavy on my mind . I was able to placed them far away .... I was able to have a good time in entertaining this lovely lady ..


DAY 1 NO DESIRES...feeling good and confident.. I have recyceld many times in my life going full circle in my own levels..Only the first day and not stupid enough to purge .. YEt...

Veronica 1
11-23-2008, 04:08 PM
Hon. do not purge. There will come a time that you will want to dress again. If you must, throw away the clothes that are not your favorites but do keep just enough of your clothes to enable you to feel comfortable when the urge returns, as it will.

Tashee
11-23-2008, 08:45 PM
I believe the vibrations, energy we give off matches that of a female, which in turns attracts us to this lifestyle, desire.
We are most happy when our energy matches that of how we discern our self.
When our image matches, we feel as if we are in sync.

curse within
11-24-2008, 08:28 AM
I won't purge.......not yet anyways and thanks....I will lock everything up and keep way out of reach as I go ....

Day 2....It is on my mind but still no desires or urges will see how tonight goes..