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KatGRL774
11-23-2008, 11:31 PM
I've been reading around, and feeling a little bit down after reading posts from some of you. Here's my situation:

** I have been a CD since I was about 5.
** Growing up, I secretly wore my sisters clothes from time to time.
** At about 23 I got married - didn't tell my wife I was a CD because I thought maybe I could stop, and because I wasn't proud of it.
** I have a secret stash of clothes that I wear when she's out of town.
** I never leave the house dressed.

My wife is very conservative (religious) and would never accept it (as far as I can tell). We have a beautiful son together and have a strong marriage... but I'm thinking if I tell her about my CDing it could ruin everything.

As they say... I am caught between a rock and a hard place.

- Kat

sarahluv74
11-23-2008, 11:49 PM
well i will say this. if you have a strong relationship with her and you want to stay married to her, i wouldnt tell her.

and this is why. i had a super religous wife and thought she could handle it because we had a strong marraige. well without going into to many details, we are now getting a divorce and she is moving accross the country with my daughter.

i dont normally like to be so grim, but i just wanted to let you know what happend to me......hope everything works out for you. :love:

KatGRL774
11-23-2008, 11:57 PM
Thanks for the reply. Your situation is what I fear. It could happen.

On a side note.. I see you're just around the corner from me. I am in Jax.

jessielee
11-24-2008, 02:19 AM
dear Kat,
you're not so bad, not more than many, you're a person which entails some flaws. i love my wife and children enough to shield them from what i know they could not bear. seems like grim tension but its not much different from feeling in the wrong body and never imagining dressing could feel so freeing and so never tried it, never knew why i felt so wrong, so out of place.
it was no secret when we married 'cause i'd never done it. but the secret shame, angst, longing, yearning had always been there.
and now we are here.
i wish you the best dear.
and may those with tolerant partners not be harsh on us.
in a perfect world, we wouldn't need to hide.
but we can touch lives one smile at a time.
even from a closet.
imperfectly,
jessie

sterling12
11-24-2008, 02:56 AM
If you want to feel guilty, then just remember that your mind provides all that guilt. If you don't want to feel guilty, the mind can also provide that outcome.

If your absolutely certain that your wife would not approve, then don't tell her. After all, you have a child to raise and a divorce is not going to help that child. So it becomes the lesser of two evils. Just remember, there's a good chance that eventually you will get caught. Better figure out how you want to deal with that situation too.

Sometimes life provides us with a lot of sleepless nights. As they used to tell me in The Business World, "let it be a challenge for you." That means your stuck with it!

Peace and Love, Joanie

Nadia-Maria
11-24-2008, 02:56 AM
Am I a bad person ?



Not a bad person, just someone placed in bad circumstances.
Not everything in life are easy to handle.
I wish you the success.

Bethany_Anne_Fae
11-24-2008, 03:33 AM
Hi,
Its hard to really say what WILL happen should you decide to actually tell your wife, but odds are it won't go over well (based on what you have provided for information).
You are my exception to the total honesty rule because you thought you could stop and learned otherwise.
Perhaps thinking of a way to "feel her out" on the subject might give you more answers, but coming up with the right way to do that is hard. Only YOU know what she is like and how she might react, but make sure that whatever you decide to do... you can live with the consequences ;)

I hope you can work it out and regain your happiness.

**Also, you are NOT a bad person ;)**

*much hugs*

Zarabeth

Jess_cd32
11-24-2008, 06:03 AM
.........As they say... I am caught between a rock and a hard place.

- Kat

That's a phrase I use quite often myself and yes your in that hard place like alot of us here.
Are you a bad person because you hide your cd-ing? I highly doubt it, just mixed up abit like so many when it comes to this cd-ing we have as part of our lives.

My SO also is a conservative, we share alot of the same values that are important ones, but then differ as well on so many other topics and thats fine.

I think the most important thing in telling an SO about cd-ing is handing them some well written articles about cd's that explain its not a perversion but rather a part of a persons makeup they were born with. That is if you can locate such articles.

Once they understand more about it, it can possibly be accepted easier for them, but don't hold your breath on that one. The choice as you know is yours and yours alone whether to ever come out to her, and no one should make you feel otherwise or pressure you. I feel they are just offering their .02 on the subject so I can respect that.

karinels
11-24-2008, 06:48 AM
no, hon, you are not a bad person. we have just been categorized into a group that has little support as of now. we all tend to feel down now and again, but i guess we need to step forward and go. it will not ever be easy for us, but we need to start somewhere.
i just hope we all get past the hopelessness of it all, and dont have to read any stories about someone going to the extreme to evade the pressures of this life.

VERONICARH
11-24-2008, 07:42 AM
Kat, Don't feel bad. Almost all of what you said about yourself, sounds like my life, except I am older. I have 3 grown-up sons and 2 grandchildren and wife is very,very and very conservative. She is very narrow minded. I feel very bad about it, but can't seem to give up this cding life. No advice here.

StephanieT
11-24-2008, 08:11 AM
dear Kat,
you're not so bad, not more than many, you're a person which entails some flaws.

Not sure I agree with that statement. If my desire to dress is a flaw, then it means it can be fixed. I think we all know that is not true. We were all created different for good reasons. I don't believe I am a flawed person just not the perfect person.

CD_DIANE
11-24-2008, 08:36 AM
Hi Kat,

You are NOT a bad person. period. While telling your SO before marriage would have been better, but you are here now. I didn't tell my wife until after we were married, since I thought the problem would "Go away" (it didn't !).

There are two things I do believe; 1, God don't make no junk, and 2, God will provide.

You don't say which religion we are discussing, but those who believe in a literal interpretation will have a real problem accepting.

Good Luck,

Diane

TGMarla
11-24-2008, 08:53 AM
I'd say that your situation mirrors about 75% of all the crossdressers you'll find. This doesn't make you a bad person. Your wife, like mine, has been programmed by societal norms to reject this behavior as wierd or perverted, while in reality it is neither of the two. It's just a different point of view. I'm sure you're not a bad person, just one with a thread of your personality that goes against the grain.

MJ
11-24-2008, 08:58 AM
hello Kat,
you are not a bad person. the problem is your stuck in a very bad place.


My wife is very conservative (religious) and would never accept it

finding a way to tell her is like walking through a mine field blindfolded. this is a very first time i would have to say. say nothing save yourself a lot of heartache. if you tell her she will seek advice from her pastor.. i know because it happened to me ..
you say she's conservative (religious) what denomination ?

kittypw GG
11-24-2008, 08:58 AM
If you want to feel guilty, then just remember that your mind provides all that guilt. If you don't want to feel guilty, the mind can also provide that outcome.

If your absolutely certain that your wife would not approve, then don't tell her. After all, you have a child to raise and a divorce is not going to help that child. So it becomes the lesser of two evils. Just remember, there's a good chance that eventually you will get caught. Better figure out how you want to deal with that situation too.

Sometimes life provides us with a lot of sleepless nights. As they used to tell me in The Business World, "let it be a challenge for you." That means your stuck with it!

Peace and Love, Joanie


And just what is his wife "stuck" with??? Living a lie of a marriage. Then tell me what happens when he is in his 40's and can no longer live this lie. He is thinking about hormones and attracting men? What if that happens.

Who gives his wife back her youth? Who gives her the life she thought she had signed on for? Sure you raised a child but if one person is hiding something this big it absolutly will not go on totally un-noticed in some way. It is like something you can't quite put your finger on. - This causes feelings of anxiety and worry. This will most likely be felt by the children as well.

How are you going to overcome the anger and betrayal that your wife will feel when she is 40 and you took her youth and now you want to give her a partner who wants to shave all of his body hair and be called a girl name???

If you can't be honest about your life and true feelings. You are not truely sharing a life with someone. You may not deserve to have a marriage.

If you love her let her have the option of choosing for herself what kind of life and marriage she wants to have. If she stays then all the cards are on the table and you will only expand on your romance and life together. If she chooses to go then it is HER choice based on Truth. You owe her that man!!!! Trust me when she finds out, and she will eventually, she will hate you for keeping this from her and taking away her choice to be with someone who is honest and upfront and who wants to share her life the way she invinsions it to be.

Kitty

Sheila
11-24-2008, 09:41 AM
How are you going to overcome the anger and betrayal that your wife will feel when she is 40 and you took her youth and now you want to give her a partner who wants to shave all of his body hair and be called a girl name??? Kitty


Kitty we cannot be sure that she will feel angry and betrayed ....... yes many of us have, but not all.

KatGRL ..... may not ever want to to shave all of her body hair and be called a girl name ...... not all cdr's do some don't




If you can't be honest about your life and true feelings. You are not truely sharing a life with someone. You may not deserve to have a marriage.Kitty

Sorry Kitty but I feel that statement is a tad strong




If you love her let her have the option of choosing for herself what kind of life and marriage she wants to have. If she stays then all the cards are on the table and you will only expand on your romance and life together. If she chooses to go then it is HER choice based on Truth. You owe her that man!!!! Trust me when she finds out, and she will eventually, she will hate you for keeping this from her and taking away her choice to be with someone who is honest and upfront and who wants to share her life the way she invinsions it to be.
Kitty

Kitty, Nowhere in Katgirls post is there anything to indicate that she does not love her wife ......... in fact the opposite she says "we have a beautiful son and a strong marriage" and you know depite my repeated scream to inform before entering into a long term relationship, I do understand the fear once involved of losing someone you love from the revelation ....... it can happen from both sides, sometimes the cdr after discovery cannot deal with another knowing "their secret", and that can in itself cause tremendous problems in the relationship. you know she may not hate Katgrl after the discovery, she may be confused and bewildered after discovery/telling but there is no gaurantee that hate will be the outcome, and perhaps her religion will actually enable her to seek some understanding on the subject

Katgrl whatever you decide to do I wish you the very best

StephanieT
11-24-2008, 10:01 AM
Then tell me what happens when he is in his 40's and can no longer live this lie. He is thinking about hormones and attracting men?

Those are the kind of thoughts and stereo types of crossdressers that scare the crap out of me about telling my wife. He/she said he/she was a CD and nothing else. Why does there have to be an assumption that CD's will progress to hormones and men?:Angry3:

lynn1969
11-24-2008, 10:10 AM
Those are the kind of thoughts and stereo types of crossdressers that scare the crap out of me about telling my wife. He/she said he/she was a CD and nothing else. Why does there have to be an assumption that CD's will progress to hormones and men?:Angry3:

Stephanie, that is the great fear of many gg's. Considering the amount of posts here relating to the subject, I think it is a rational fear. Many CD's go down that very path, and I am sure many do not. I think the problem lies within the fact that the CD'er doesn't take the time to really look inward and examine their feelings about where they stand.

I think a lot of gg SO's want reassurance that the CD'er won't "go there", and if the CD'er can't honestly say no/never, that fear will always be below the surface.

:2c:

kittypw GG
11-24-2008, 10:14 AM
Stephanie, that is the great fear of many gg's. Considering the amount of posts here relating to the subject, I think it is a rational fear. Many CD's go down that very path, and I am sure many do not. I think the problem lies within the fact that the CD'er doesn't take the time to really look inward and examine their feelings about where they stand.

I think a lot of gg SO's want reassurance that the CD'er won't "go there", and if the CD'er can't honestly say no/never, that fear will always be below the surface.

:2c:

:thumbsup:
:iagree:

Many do progress, if it is not hormones and men then it is dressing more often and shaving all the hair.
I'm just saying that by hiding the "secret" you, you are making all of the choices for the relationship and marriage. I don't think that is very fair.

Kitty

StephanieT
11-24-2008, 10:28 AM
:thumbsup:
:iagree:

Many do progress, if it is not hormones and men then it is dressing more often and shaving all the hair.
I'm just saying that by hiding the "secret" you, you are making all of the choices for the relationship and marriage. I don't think that is very fair.

Kitty
Dressing and shaving is not making all the choices in a marriage. I live a very balanced life and go along with many of the choices my wife makes. Some I may not be happy with but I go along because it makes her happy. If it does not hurt me, why should I care. How many wives would go along with dressing because it makes him happy. Based on this forum, I would say not too many. That is why I stay in the closet.

Sheila
11-24-2008, 10:44 AM
How many wives would go along with dressing because it makes him happy. Based on this forum, I would say not too many. That is why I stay in the closet.

Many are pushed way out of their comfort zone hun after cding is disclosed/discovered because, once out ,many of you go into the wonderful blissful stage of pink fog .... that is darn scarey to SO's ...... some don't, but many many do, and that is where so may problems arise.

We ned time to come to terms with what you have known for years and you refuse/cannot give us that time :straightface:

Vivian Best
11-24-2008, 11:24 AM
Hi Kat, I think you can see from all the posts to your thread that you are NOT a bad person! None of us are, most of us are CDrs because we had no choice about being thrown into this life style. Does it make us a bad person because we don't tell anyone? I don't think so!

A question you should ask yourself is "What do we (you and your wife) gain by telling her now? Do you hope to make yourself feel better? It certainly won't make her feel better, not by a long shot! Some say that a CDr isn't being honest with their spouse if they don't tell them. There is an element of truth in that statement but is the truth worth the potential turmoil and havoc that it would create? I know from personal experience the emotions and feelings from such an event will be felt for years, if not a lifetime. Rare are the wives of CDrs that totally support our activities. They are out there but are certainly in the minority. Most wives think it is a abnormal activity and want no part of it. You have to weigh the risk vs the reward.

putz0611
11-24-2008, 11:29 AM
Some of the things here that I see a problem with, is sin. The crossdressing is not a sin! The sin of omission is a huge sin, it is what makes a lot of us GG feel betrayed and hurt, not all. I have never heard one of my parish priests ever say that choice of clothes is wrong. I have heard that the deceit and hiding is wrong.
When my husband told me about his crossdressing, I was hurt and felt as if I didn't know him and he didn't trust me.
I was fortunate enough to come from a Scottish background were kilts are worn. The men in my family will dress-up for certain occassions. If you look at history, men used to dress just as much as women in fine clothing. All these things helped me to accept my hubby, after I got over the hurt.


So please don't count out the conservative religious. I'm here in support!

docrobbysherry
11-24-2008, 11:51 AM
The thousands of us CDs here will NOT condemn u. That would mean we r condemning ourselves!

But, what WE think, or say, is not really important anyway! U r the one that must live with your CDing and whatever guilt that it generates!

If u can accept hiding what u do from your SO, fine! If that burden becomes overwhelming, u will either tell her, or get caught!:sad:

Then, no one can predict what will happen! We can only wish u the best, in whatever scenario plays out for u! :eek:

I certainly do!:thumbsup:

Melissa A.
11-24-2008, 12:14 PM
All these sentiments for honesty and openness sure are admirable. And yeah, I can understand feelings of betrayal on the part of a partner when she finds something so intimate has been kept from her for years, possibley decades. But the thing is, It's not always so easy. crossdressers, and other trans people learn really early that what they're doing is not socially acceptable. Shame and fear become such an ingrained part of who we are. We can't minimize how strong that fear is, especially if you are young and find yourself in love with someone. And then there's the partner. People will surprise you. Some really conservative, religious people end up being fairly accepting, either because they love the cd in question so much, or they can separate their faith in the abstract from real, sometimes messy life, and realise it's not that big a deal. And there are some very progressive women who just can't handle the thought of their husband even remotely feminized. My point is, there are no predictors. You really never know what reaction you are going to get. I just think those who have expressed, so strongly, that a cd must reveal himself to his partner, should step back and show a little patience. I do agree it's preferable to hiding. it's not good for either person. But fear is a strong emotion. And some people have alot to lose.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

Sam-antha
11-24-2008, 12:29 PM
Just to help us along a bit ; What do you mean by the word "bad" ?
Is it in the religious sense or the moral sense ?

Whichever defintion you decide on, none of us are bad when we come down to dressing.
Get that in as an important first thought.

Then consider is there any chance at all the you would hurt your wife if you tell her.
If you tell her and she is hurt then would you then say that you were "bad" to tell her or "wrong" ?

This thing is between you and her (and us of course).

I would most strongly advise against bringing anyone else into it. Be it priest, doctor or mind doc. You have to help yourself in this one. Personnally I say just carry on as now but be so careful, like most of us.

~Samm

Karren H
11-24-2008, 12:58 PM
Well I was the same way.. For decades and I knew my wife wouldn't approve and to no surprise.. She didn't and doesn't.. And I know of a few here with religios SOs and when they found out. Well they all turned out badly..

So if you value your family and your marriage... Don't tell.. I wouldn't have ever.. But she found out.. And that doesn't make you bad..

Louise C
11-24-2008, 03:09 PM
The very fact that you are feeling guilty and are showing genuine concern for hiding it from your wife tells me you are not a bad person.

Elizabeth2-
11-24-2008, 04:27 PM
Hi Kat,

I had the same struggle for a long time. Then, I realized that I was lying to my SO on every turn in order to keep Elizabeth in the closet. I have a strong marriage and a very conservative SO.

I could not lie any longer. She was shocked, but she knew for some time and was willing for Liz to stay in the closet. It was the lying that was bad for our relationship. When I came out this past May to her, it was the greatest relief of my life and her, too. In fact, over time, my SO has begun to like having Liz around.

If you are religious (I am christian), start sticking to the truth and ask God to forgive you for the lying. There is nothing to forgive in the CD. God knew when He mandated your birth who you are and who you would become, and He brought you to life. God loves you.

If you really have a strong marriage, find a way to tell her the TRUTH perhaps slowly and gradually. The marriage, if it is strong, will stand though perhaps with some thumps and bumps.

To all unmarried or newby CD'ers: Marriage, the military, hard work, family, duty, honest religious practice and fervor, and good solid psychological counseling will not send your fem side away permanently. Accept who you are and be honest enough with yourself and potential SO's up front about it before you wind up with commitments that you cannot stand down from; but, yet, you cannot stand down from who you are.

Hugs to you Kat,

Liz

Clara
11-24-2008, 05:09 PM
No, you are not a bad person. You are a person in a difficult situation. I advocate honesty. But if I believed that telling my wife would be an end to our marriage I'm not so sure what I would do. There are many great insights and opinions on this forum. But only you can make the decision. I can only wish you (and your wife) the best of luck.

KatGRL774
11-24-2008, 05:47 PM
Thank you all for your replies..

I notice a definate trend. The GG's seem to want to advocate full disclosure - I am not surprised given what they've been through. These GG's, however are probably seeing me through their S.O.'s image - and I am not the S.O. of any GG here and have my own personality althogether.

First (and this bothers me that people think this about CD's) I HAVE LESS THAN ZERO INTEREST IN ATTRACTING MEN!! Some of you have interest in that area - that's you, for me.. no thanks.. EVER.

Transitioning? No desire there either. Please.. no! I know I am not a woman, I know who I am. I'm a man - that's where I fit in for society. I'm almost 35, and I know myself in that regard by now.

I love to dress - it is sexual for me, I don't feel I've been born in the wrong body. It's complicated - I don't know what drives it, I only know I've fought against it all my life to no avail.

To you GG's who think I should tell her - not all CD's are the same! I will not necessarily follow the path that your husbands did. If my wife loves me.. then why should a clothing choice (out of her sight) make me less of a person?

I don't know.. lots to lose for no gain. For one thing, if I told her - I would still only want to dress without her present. I don't think I could handle the embarassment of her seeing me that way. I would feel uncomfortable.

Bye for now..

- Kat

Melissa A.
11-24-2008, 06:15 PM
Kat,

As you can see from my previous response, I don't disagree with alot of what you're saying. And no one outside your relationship can truly say what's gonna be best for your particular situation. Just a couple of things-It is true that secrets are really not a great thing for relationship, and whether or not you realise it, they will always put a strain on you, in some way or another. You can feel how you do now, don't put any pressure on yourself to tell her, but also stay open to the possibility that you might change your mind someday. Because you might. Things change, people change. My life is so much different than it was just a few years ago. I can hardly believe the things I used to fear. Also, the very real possibility is that she will find out, somehow. Probably when you least expect it. even the most careful person slips up sometime, or is just done in by dumb luck. Sometimes even, our subconscience tips people off, and arouses suspisions, Anyway, I'm not trying to deter you from your current course of action, or non-action. But things sometimes do change. And just a general feeling about telling a spouse: We often get the results that equal our expectations, or feelings about this. If you go to her with a seemingly heavy heart and serious demeanor, those are the results you will most likely get. for a cder, this is supposed to be FUN. If you approach your partner in a lighthearted, fun way about it, and don't make it such a big deal, that can only help, I believe. I wish you strength and luck however it goes for you.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

docrobbysherry
11-24-2008, 07:45 PM
I love to dress - it is sexual for me, I don't feel I've been born in the wrong body. It's complicated - I don't know what drives it, I only know I've fought against it all my life to no avail.

I don't know.. lots to lose for no gain. For one thing, if I told her - I would still only want to dress without her present. I don't think I could handle the embarassment of her seeing me that way. I would feel uncomfortable.
- Kat

Ok, Kat, u didn't mention WHY u dressed initially! CDs who dress for sexual, ( fetish), reasons, r in a separate catagory. I know, I do, too.

When my marriage started foundering, our sex life diminished, and it was about that time I tried on my first item of ladies wear! How is YOUR sex life with your SO? If u tell me, " It's GREAT!", then what r u doing dressing up and having sex with Kat? Maybe it's NOT as great as u think!

On the other hand, if it IS really good, why is becoming Kat necessary? Specially if u aren't gay, or TS/TG, as u claim!?:eek:

KatGRL774
11-24-2008, 09:36 PM
Doc..

I'm not really sure! I mean.. sex is OK with my wife... it used to be better, to be honest this is sort of the progression of my life as it unfolded:

First.. I grew up sort of "oriented" towards dressing. It's all I thought about, especially when puberty hit. My first and subsequent "wet dreams" were always centered around crossdressing. At first, when I'd awake from such a dream, I was very dissappointed (even to the point of panic) with myself and wondered why I was so abnormal to have thoughts as these...

These episodes caused me to be unsure of myself sexually growing up, and in high school, etc. I didn't actively seek girls to date because I was afraid they would detect something odd in my behavior. I even thought maybe I wouldn't be able to function normally in a normal relationship with a girl (even thought I was and am attracted to women very much so).

Still.. I'd have to say I may be bisexual, not in the sense that I like men and women, but that I like dressing and women. I don't even know if that word applies in that sense... but do you know what I mean?

It's possible that dressing is taking away from our sex life - I'm not too sure. Because, whether I dress or not, we seem to have sex on the same regular basis.

I won't pretent to understand it! It's been a fixation of mine ever since I can remember. Good or bad, it's me and I am not sure of the proper way to handle it.

- Kat

kate98
11-25-2008, 01:12 AM
you are good

jessielee
11-25-2008, 01:24 AM
what she and many of them said, you are good.
i used the word "flawed" with no reference at all to dressing, just to lacking perfection.
we are all persons, expressing ourselves, some more overtly, some less so.
i believe many of us are here because we are searching.
it is gratifying to see dialogue here, heightened awareness; so many of us dress with no desire to transition or to seek men. and some do!
it is good to share our differences and our similarities.
may we grow stronger and better.
all my warmest wishes for you and your family.
jessie