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Ashley in Virginia
11-27-2008, 02:45 PM
So I have got this box. It is pretty big and sits in my closet. Every time I go in there, it stares me in the face. I want to gid rid of it, throw it out, but I can't. I don't use it's contents anymore.

I really feel like I am at a crossroads. I haven't dressed in months. I don't really care to. I have no motivation to go through all of the trouble of shaving, and dealing with makeup, and then going back to "normal". I don't have much motivation these days anyways, but I dont think one has anything to do with the other.

I have never been "excited" to dress. It has always felt like a compulsion. I used to "need" it and not really want it. It has always been something I am ashamed of, and I know I would be better off without.

I keep telling myself to just throw it all away. But I think I am terrified of moving on. There was some sort of weird comfort in escaping reality. And it always settled me down when the compulsion did arise. I don't know how I will get the same sort of feeling when I need it.

When I look at the box, I feel ashamed. I am not sure of why I am holding on to that kind of feeling. I am not even sure of what i am ashamed of. I haven't opened it in ages. I don't want to.

I know that no one will have the answers I need. I just felt like I needed to bounce my thoughts off of people who might know what I am feeling here. When is it safe to move on? How will I know when I am done with dressing?

MJ
11-27-2008, 02:49 PM
you know as soon as you get rid of it your going to fall of the wagon bad idea if you ask me

carolinoakland
11-27-2008, 03:01 PM
Do not, I repeat, do not throw it away. You will want to go in there again. this is not something that goes away. Keep it there safe, and when you know that you are ready you will find relief and comfort there. There is nothing shameful about what you like to do, and there are many of us who are just like you. There is nothing wrong with you, just don't kid yourself that this is something that is a phase and will "just go away". It's key to your personality, and you know that when you are your true self that you are really happy. That's nothing to be ashamed of, that shame you feel is in you're head is what you imagine the people who love you would think. Remember, if they love you, and you know they do, they will love this about you too. Especially when they see the joy living there in your face. Carol.

Shelly Preston
11-27-2008, 03:13 PM
Hi Ashley

Don't throw the box away

Put it somewhere less noticeable and cover it up

You will know its there but will help if it's out of sight

As has been said the minute you throw it away it will just get worse

:hugs:

Deborah Jane
11-27-2008, 03:13 PM
Within a month of throwing away the box and it,s contents away you,ll wish you hadn,t!
At the moment the box sits in your closet, unopened for ages, but it,s there. You can dress if the urge ever returns and although it may not, the box and it,s contents are still available to you.
Once the box has gone, it,s gone, there,s no going back and thats when you,ll want to dress again.

That box and it,s contents are like an insurance policy, you may never need it, but if you do, you,ve got it!

Jenna1561
11-27-2008, 03:17 PM
Ashley, DO NOT get rid of your Box. You may or may not use the contents, but if you get rid of it and you decide you want/need to "dress" again, you'll be angry with yourself and you will have lost a significant investment. I speak from past experience. Store it, hide it whatever; just do not rid yourself of it.


Jenna

deja true
11-27-2008, 03:19 PM
When is it safe to move on? How will I know when I am done with dressing?
__________________

You'll only ever be done with it when you fully accept that it's part of who you are.!!!

Denying it, hating it without knowing why, feeling guilty over something that's really not harming you is a sure-fire way to keep it in your head, in a not very profitable way. It's the belief in self and the sloughing of unearned guilt (for anything) that's gonna allow you to take it or leave it with a calm and equable spirit.

I know you've been having a very hard time with this self acceptance thing, Ash! Your posts going back the past several months tell us that.

Indeed, if you can't work it out yourself, there's a good reason to go to a therapist about it. You know that many here will preach the gospel of self acceptance, but it may benefit you more to hear that same advice from a "dis-interested" party. You've been readin' all our posts on this stuff for a long time, but you also know that you've almost never heard anybody here tell you that they've given it up ...and had it stick!

Good luck, babygirl!

:)

Ashley in Virginia
11-27-2008, 03:22 PM
I feel like the box is an anchor slowly dragging me down. To hold onto it feels like I am just holding on to the past as opposed to moving foward. I just don't know what foward is.

Is foward giving all of this up and being "normal"? Or is foward continuing to hold onto dressing as an outlet for my frustrations and fears?

AliciaWeb
11-27-2008, 03:22 PM
The girls a right. Hide it out of sight if possible and get on with your life until you need it again. I hope the blue times pass soon.

Alicia

Desiree2bababe
11-27-2008, 03:27 PM
Been there, done that. Although the "never been excited to dress" puzzles me, keep the box if for nothing more than the knowledge you have it should you ever want it again. Will more than likely save you alot of money in the future.

Zenith
11-27-2008, 03:34 PM
I feel like the box is an anchor slowly dragging me down. To hold onto it feels like I am just holding on to the past as opposed to moving foward. I just don't know what foward is.

Is foward giving all of this up and being "normal"? Or is foward continuing to hold onto dressing as an outlet for my frustrations and fears?

It's just clothes...no need to feel it as an anchor or shame...just put it into storage...:2c:...I'll tell you what my therapist and I came to as a conclusion (it is me...YMMV)...expressing a femme side wasn't a direct response to the "frustrations and fears"...but was always present...what happened is the coping mechanism repressing my femme side has been completely overloaded with all the misery this year...hence my joining the board and letting it out...only you know for sure...but the femme side might be very much a part of you...:2c:

Deborah Jane
11-27-2008, 03:37 PM
Is foward giving all of this up and being "normal"?

Who can define normal?
We wear clothes that society deems appropriate for the opposite gender, but there are plenty of us here who accept and enjoy this side of our personalities.
Maybe we are better balanced than other guys because once we,ve reached an acceptance of ourselves, we don,t have the hang ups about dressing only in a certain way that they do.

At the end of the day, we are human, we wear clothes, only society decides to add a gender tag to the clothing we wear, the clothes themselves are neutral, they don,t care who wears them!

Jonianne
11-27-2008, 05:19 PM
.......I want to gid rid of it, throw it out, but I can't. I don't use it's contents anymore........When is it safe to move on? How will I know when I am done with dressing?

Ashley, when it is time, you won't have to ask us. You will know. I wouldn't reccommend purging right now. You know you are not the only one on this forum that feels that way. There are plenty of threads that address the same issues.

Also talk to someone - a professional - who can help you find the answers you need.

Untill then, we are here listening.

Bekka
11-27-2008, 05:31 PM
Ashley, I can’t tell you what to do but I can relate to your experience, I too had a box, and I used to keep it hidden so I didn’t see it in my ‘normal’ life. I pulled it out when I needed it and put it away (both physically and emotionally) when I had done with it.

I can also relate to not being excited to dress; for a long time I viewed my urge to dress as something wrong and doing it gave me relief from the compulsion but without ‘stopping to smell the roses’ I would have said I didn’t really enjoy it. It was something I did, got relief and then put it away.

Over the last few years with the help of my gf (who happens to be a therapist) I have come to understand that I am not doing anything wrong and there isn’t really a ‘normal’. I still suffer from guilt, but I know that wanting to put on a dress is not the end of the world.

Whatever you choose to do with your box, you are doing nothing wrong and you are not alone.

TommiTN
11-27-2008, 06:16 PM
Geez, I'm glad I read this through. From the title I thought you were talking about a piece of anatomy most of us don't have. :D

Seriously, DON'T throw out your box (or the contents). When you least expect it you will want to dress and you'll have to acquire a new wardrobe, an expensive proposition. Take it from one who knows.

Wendy me
11-27-2008, 06:17 PM
I feel like the box is an anchor slowly dragging me down. To hold onto it feels like I am just holding on to the past as opposed to moving foward. I just don't know what foward is.

Is foward giving all of this up and being "normal"? Or is foward continuing to hold onto dressing as an outlet for my frustrations and fears?

Ashley store the box some were other than were it is... for right now it is your past we all do this from time to time ..... don't forget that box is also you a while down the road .....

for now it is what it is go enjoy it .... have fun and don't stress when she shows up you will be able to dress her.........

Brina Halloween
11-27-2008, 06:35 PM
800+ posts

"Donald ducking it 24/7"?

I agree with the others, just put the box someplace else. If in 5 years you realize it is gone and it doesn't bother you...then you have moved on. By posting here, you are not at that point, because one truly "moved on" would not be on this site at all.

Brina

Ashley in Virginia
11-27-2008, 08:01 PM
800+ posts

"Donald ducking it 24/7"?




Yep... in 3.5 years I have made 800 and some odd posts. Not very efficient am I?

"Donald Ducking It" refers to this nugget from firejoemorgan.com

http://www.firejoemorgan.com/2008/05/1-reason-i-am-willing-to-be-baited.html


I'm like, "Bra, what the hell?" and they're like "You pulled your p***s out and urinated at your seat and there's vomit on your forearm, and also you can't smoke in the stadium, and your friend is wearing a shirt and shoes but no pants," and I'm like "He's Donald Ducking it, bra -- it's classic!" and they're like, "Get out of here and never come back."

And that's when I realized: nerds have ruined baseball.


Funny stuff. Made me laugh, and everytime I see it there, I chuckle a bit. I know it is non-sensical out of context, but I really don't care.

Daintre
11-27-2008, 08:04 PM
Ashley, I think I know how you are feeling, oh I have gone through the purge and kick myself afterward, but I am feeling different right now, I have all these clothes and I am thinking ...move on...trash the stash. Some went today, I hope the Sally Ann can use the donation. Will I regret this, well time will tell.

My thought for you is maybe just sort through what you have and downsize. Put what you have left in a safe place and see how you feel. If the dressing comes roaring back, well you still have a basic wardrobe.....just a thought.

Celeste
11-27-2008, 08:35 PM
Hi Ashley,Another way of looking at it would be to throw everything away and see what actually happens,see how long you last.I think the learning curve for me was 4 times,a lot stuff and money out the window.However each time coming back, there I was.....changed just a little...and a little more accepting and unashamed of myself.

Anyway maybe in your case getting rid of everything is the only way you'll ever really know where you stand.Then one day you will come to the conclusion that it really doesn't solve anything,but that its more like denial.

Ronni Seymour
11-27-2008, 08:51 PM
As they all have said here, don't throw it away. I've done it several times and always regretted it later. Just store it away because, eventually, you will get it out again.

curse within
11-27-2008, 08:55 PM
Ashley,
I too have a box....Trust me I find comfort in having such a box..A box of a shame a box of something that I feel isn't me...Whats great about keeping my box? It reminds me of all the times I've purged...I know its there yet I don't touch it...why??? Because I know after I give in after standing there and realizing how stupid I look with my Gote,my hairy leggs my hairy chest! "I need to shave I tell myself" Maybe it will help that urge that nagging urge maybe it would satisfy it!

But it doesn't so I am still standing there asking myself ..why? My body feeling the razor nicks and the odd feeling of a half ass shave...Why do I do this? Then giving up I take it all off I neatly place it back in the box where it came from ..Thats my shame ? Thats my comfort? No the comfort of keeping that box around keeps my urge satisfied..It keeps me from going to the nearest store and embarrassing myself buying things I know itsn't normal for a man to buy avoids the curious stares and smurks I recieve as I am sweating it out ...standing in a line wondering what kind of look the cashier is gonna give me after I spent an 30 extra minutes walking through the store to drop of my purchase to the least harmless looking cashier..Thinking to myself Man I wish I never threw my box out!!

countrygirl
11-27-2008, 09:41 PM
Ashley,

Have gone through a purge myself one time (another story). DO NOT get rid of the box. You may not want to, need to, feel like crossdressing, but some time it will come back and you will want to crossdress again.

Amanda

Karren H
11-27-2008, 09:56 PM
Don't throw it away!!! Send it to me!! What size do you wear anyway??

PortiaHoney
11-27-2008, 10:19 PM
If there aren't a lot of girls here who have felt this way, I would be amazed. I myself have spent many hours contemplating my own "box". (both kinds:heehee:)

General consensus seems to be keep it. CW has a good point when she (or do you prefer "he" given some of your posts? - I know where you are coming from so don't give me grief on this point) says that "purging" will result in the embarrassment of having to repurchase your goodies. I see this as the price I pay for purging. Everything in life has costs and consequences.

IMHO - IF you are getting so much grief from keeping the damn thing - chuck it. I was going to say "my way" but I am being serious. If you find later on that you need to dress again - start over. If it is just annoying you, find somewhere out of sight to store it. You can even pay for storage away from home if you need to. If after 6 months you haven't needed the "box" ditch it. I put mine in the roof space while I was with a dissapproving partner.

Not everybody purges but purging is a way of cleaning up, starting over, getting your head straight. It is a sign that you do not accept your own desires and wish to change. That's not to say you will succeed by ditching the box. But it should not give you such angst. (been there, done that)

You could look at the box and assign it with "I don't need you at this point in my life, but I may visit you again, so I hope you don't mind sitting here in the dark waiting for me" viewpoint. You should NEVER feel guilty about the box or it's contents.

By the way - you will be done with dressing the day you die. Up until that point, it's just another day and you will feel the way you feel on that day. Some days you will, some days you wont. It's up to you if you want to feel guilty about it - that's what I have learnt. No one can make you feel guilty - only you can accept others opinions and make them your own. It's your choice. My choice is to be as happy as I can be, regardless of what anyone else thinks of me and the choices I make. I will live with the consequences of my actions. I will be responsible for my own feelings.

I hope you can find the place at which you will find peace and happiness and can truly accept yourself for who you are.:hugs:

Cathytg
11-27-2008, 11:53 PM
Don't throw it away. You will want it again some day and it costs too much to replace it. Keep it just to be practical.

Move on with your life? it is always time to move forward. But look upon CDing as something to be left behind? Live in the moment and simply say that it is something you are not doing today.

Deanna
11-28-2008, 05:37 PM
Been there....done that. One day you will want your things and they won't be there. Just be yourself. There are two halves that must coexist peacfully so don't even try to hide Ashley or she will want to come out all that much more.

crystal99
11-28-2008, 05:46 PM
everyone is right, if you chuck it away the pink fog will eventually come back, i did this recentley and regreted it sooooo much, ive now had to start again.

Do what was suggested eirlier, if you truely feel you dont need to dress then it cant hurt being stored away out of site just incase.

Hope you find out whats best for you to do

Crys x

Christine Kelly
11-28-2008, 06:20 PM
I agree with most of the girls here: 'Don't get rid of it.'
If dressing is no longer such a big deal to you right now,
then, what is the big deal if it just sits there?
That box is a part of your life, which you can't deny by merely throwing it away. So, you never dress again ever in your life,
you still have the clothes to prove that you could at one time. :)

mklinden2010
11-28-2008, 07:38 PM
Bravo:

"If something bothers you, do something about it!"

I had a box, and it bothered me... My solution was to take the things out of the box and put them in drawers, on shelves, and, on hangers.

Just knowing I had these things, and had stored them properly, made me feel good. Many days, just that thought was enough to make me feel I was handling my business well. And, feeling good about myself - that's pretty much what it's all about in terms of just getting on and living my own life.

It's said all over these forums that our desire, or, inclination to CD, etc. is not going away - any more than we are. It's not just something we do, it is who we are. And, we're OK. We know what we like (without always knowing why) and we're working on living our lives as we see best for ourselves.

So, integrate, not segregate, that's my view. Dresses hanging next to shirts, hose folded next to socks, shoes next to shoes, and so forth.

Be all you are and live well.

Cari
11-28-2008, 08:42 PM
Neither the urge to dress or any remorse about things I'd done went out with the box. In short only the clothes went away when I purged ; all the feelings remained, they just got buried a bit deeper.

The real purge for me was starting to deal with why I felt ashamed, and I didnt lose any clothes that time.

I felt ashamed about raiding closets when younger and have apologized to a few people that I "borrowed" from and buy all my own stuff now.

The sneaking around and lying to friends about what I was doing or why my legs are shaved ect, bugged me. So now I just simply tell them I'm busy or fess up and tell them that I dress.

I still feel bad when the "pink fog" descends and I binge and ignore everything and everybody else. I've come to accept that and have learned to manage it much better but it still happens.

I had to come to terms with allot of stuff and either make ammends or accept it as the past and not repeat the behavior. Recognizing those feelings and not letting them build up also seems to stabilize things.

When Im dressed and look in the mirror I dont feel any shame, that wasnt always true. In my case I thought once I dealt with shame; I could put it down and walk away, Instead I found out that dressing wasnt what I was ashamed of ; just the dumb things I did to accomplish it. These days I believe purging clothes should only be done for the sake of fashion.

Cari

CD Susan
11-28-2008, 11:01 PM
Ashley, like everyone here is telling you I have to say the same thing. Do not throw away your box of girly things!!! Some day the urge to dress up again will return and you will be glad you saved your "stash". If it will help you put it some place that you will not see it all the time like the attic or garage. Believe me, the urge to dress will return for you. This is something that is a part of us and will always be with us. Sometimes we go through periods of not wanting to dress but that girl inside of you will want to come out eventually. Be prepared for this and do not throw away her things.

emmicd
11-28-2008, 11:05 PM
I believe if you are a true crossdresser and you purge your female clothes you will seek to replace the wardrobe. I've been there many times only to find myself back buying pretty clothes and wearing them when I feel the need.

I believe you should keep the clothes and come to terms with your crossdressing. It is much easier than continuing to deny and repress it and to purge the clothes.

Good Luck!

emmi

Jonelle
11-28-2008, 11:06 PM
I hate to agree with susan, but i am only twenty five and have already had to start over four or five times.. the cost is not worth it.. stash it somewhere, don't feel guilty, we are all in this together.. be proud of who you are..

Sharon
11-28-2008, 11:16 PM
One suggestion if you really want to remove daily temptation and turmoil is to send the box to someone you trust who can store it for you. Then you can give "being normal" a whirl until you ultimately decide whether dressing is a worthwhile pursuit or not. If you then decide that you are not doing anyone any harm by dressing, paricularly to yourself, then have your friend ship it back to you. Otherwise, the friend can dispose of it in whatever manner he or she sees fit.