"It's going to be the worst day of my life."

“It’s going to be the worst day of my life,” explained my ten year old daughter over the weekend, in reference to this coming Thursday.

My heart having just shattered at my daughter’s proclamation, I quickly stole a glance over to my former spouse who was just a few feet away. She had nothing to offer, though, so she looked away. But not before I could see the tears welling up quickly in her eyes.

My daughter’s words had likewise broken her heart, too, and I could see the distress my former partner of the past twenty years felt over witnessing our daughter’s pain.

This Thursday I move out of and leave the house. This Thursday our family shall be forever split apart. This Thursday I travel away to begin the next chapter of my life in transition. This Thursday everything forever changes, and nothing shall ever be the same again.

But that’s okay, and this is how it needs to be.

Still, as much as we have prepared our daughter for this inevitability, and as amazingly resilient and fantastic as she has been throughout the process, she is all of only but ten years old. She is just a child. She is just a kid. And I hate, hate, hate it that she hurts.

It’s especially hard to take that she hurts because of me, the things I have done, and the things I am about to do.

Like any other parent, I want my daughter to have the best opportunities in life. I want my daughter to experience the best childhood I can provide her. I want my daughter to be happy.

The last thing I want is for my daughter to hurt or be sad.

Regardless, I have been through all of these things in my head a million times prior to this weekend. I have played out all of the different scenarios and possibilities over and over and over again within my head. I have also done the same with my therapist, with my friends-in-the-know who have been there down that, and even with my former life-partner.

Having performed my due diligence, I am completely confident – or at least as reasonably confidant as one can be considering the circumstances and all that is on the line – that what I do is the right thing to do, and the necessary thing to do.

In this, I get that to be the best parent I can be I have to also be the best person I can be. And if history has taught me anything at all, if I do not do this, I will never, ever be the best person I can be.

The truth of the matter is that this is the only viable path available to me that offers hope for a viable and sustainable future.

And as true as that may be, it’s still hard, though, for my daughter to accept and understand. She is just ten years old, after all.

In the end, I believe she will ultimately adjust well, and that she will be okay.

It’s going to be hard on her, though, just as it already has been hard on her. And when she tells me that this Thursday is going to be the worst day of her life, I know that she means that and believes it.

My daughter is the love of my love. She is the best thing I have ever done, and the best thing I will ever do.

I would never, ever, ever intentionally hurt her or cause her pain of any kind.

As prepared for and ready to continue my transition as I am, this Thursday is going to completely suck.

This Thursday, in fact, is undoubtedly going to be one of the worst days of my life, too.

But I will make it up to my daughter. She will see.

This I promise . . . . :<3:

Anne, I will remember you and your family in my prayers.

hugs, Bria

Anne, splitting a family is always horrible. It was one of the most difficult things I ever did and I cried every day for about a month afterwards.

But six months in, my kids are happy and adjusted. My ex and I split custody 50/50 and my kids are (I think) actually happier than before because there's not the constant conflict and tension, and also as I prepare to go full-time I'm a much happier person and more present for my kids.

Hang in; you will get through this.

I really don't know what to say Anne, I can only imagine how difficult this Thursday is going to be for you all and for what it's worth, i'll be thinking of you. My eldest is 8 years old , and over the course of the last two years we have come perilously close to being where you are now, quite how we've avoided it I'm not all that sure and it's something that could well be in our future so I'm not counting my chickens just yet, just taking one day at a time.

You quite clearly are a very caring parent and have her best interests at heart. this day will pass for her and for you all and you will all move forward and be the best parents that you can be , trust those instincts and have a very large box of tissues ready. if you need a chat at all, i'll be here.

Big hugs for Thursday xx

It sure seems like the worst thing ever, but if it truly ends up being the worst day of her life, or yours, you will have a pretty good and blessed life overall. It is bad now, but life has a way of healing. .

it's going to be ok. Really, it is.

As usual Anne, your posts are reality, but also thought provoking. They provide an insight to the side of transition that many don't want to see.

You can bet your bottom dollar that your daughter will have another "worst day of her life", just as you will. By doing what you are doing, you are ensuring that when the next "worst day" arrives for her, you will be around to help her through it.

In my thoughts :love:

Anne please print out your post so years from now you and your daughter can read and reflect on it.
Wishing you and her all the best. Kids are resilient.
Hugs

Anne, you are going to have a huge cry, I feel for you from here, but please make yourself a promise too, for you, that it will get better. Your love for your daughter and your former spouse is palpable and evident. Your love is real when despite how sad and lonely you may feel in the coming days and weeks, that through it all you can see her as your one shining light. In the end, they want what is best for you too, as much as you love them, they love you, not the memory, but...You.

I hope a shoulder to cry on is nearby, or a pillow to share with a close friend. Let it all out, don't hold anything in, but be strong for her and for you.

I truly wish you the best and am teary eyed myself after reading your words.
Chrissi

I'm so sorry Anne. I know this is heartbreaking for you and your daughter both. All I can tell you is that it will get better over time. She will do better, she'll get past this, and you'll keep your relationship with her.

And yeah, the day I left home was one of the worst days of my life.

Stay engaged in her life. Be there for her. It'll be OK over time.

I'm so sorry though.

Please don't feel additional or special guilt because you are trans. People get divorced, and parents split up all the time. Kids get over this. The reasons this is happening to you may be unusual, but the experience she is having us no different than what children in many other marriages experience. The only difference is people may tell you that you are selfish. Don't let them, you aren't.

When I was 10 my dad left home without saying goodbye to me or telling me he was even thinking of leaving. He left my mother to tell me the news and didn't contact us for 6 months- when he did he made no attempt to address the issue. I never forgave him. That was the worst day of my life.

Your thoughtful and conscientious handling of your break up is the best you can make of an unfortunate situation and you are treating your daughter with honesty and respect. Yes it will be a hard day for her, for you all, but I believe you are going about it the best way anybody could and that ultimately you are right to do it- otherwise you'd be living a lie.

Your daughter will respect you in the long run and as you say, her natural resilience will see her through.

Good luck Anne.

At eight years old my daughter said the same thing when my ex and I split ( not due to dressing as she never knew). My daughter just turned 21 and Is attending nursing school where she consistently makes deans list. It's fair to say many things can be "the worst day of my life" at that age, but there's so much resilience at that age and they adapt as long as the parents are supportive. Not to downplay it and I felt those same heartbreaking moments as you, but she will see at some point that it was for the best.

It may seem bad now, but kids are resilient and I am sure this will past and she will be glad to have you in her life.

I'm so sorry, Anne. I do know how you feel. My youngest son was your daughters age when I had to leave. It was the hardest day of my life and I know at the time it was the most difficult day he had ever experienced.

You already know what you must do. That is, to continue to be the most supportive parent you can be, despite the barriers that may arise. And for the record, while you will never be a perfect person, nor a perfect parent, you WILL be the best person and parent that you can be.

Thank You for sharing your touching story

I read a lot of stories on here but this is the first one that actually made me cry. Best wishes to you and those you love.

Kids gain strength from being truly loved. Never let her be a pawn in a chess game..Two loving parents really make the difference.That does not mean the parents are together or see things the same way...just means they both love their child..

Anne,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with such eloquence and honesty.

anne you are so fearless in posting, its really a good thing that you can touch these feelings, and express them so well. You are doing all the right things and as others have said you have and will earn the long term respect of your daughter.


As my kids got through it, I give alot of credit to my exwife who found a way to get over her bitterness and anger (frustration) to keep things centered in the early days and allow our daughters time to heal without recrimination towards me...
fair warning some of the worst of it was after FFS when the permanence of it hits but you will be ready for it if it goes that way.

I know you will step up, i know that you will stay calm and never ever attack your wife, but once you guys get used to the situation you have every right to make it clear to your wife that she is going to have to step up and let your daughter have the freedom to grow up without being poisoned. You will have alone time with your daughter that you will find incredibly rewarding once the dust settles. You will find relief with the pain because the last couple years have been wringing the emotional towel dry day by day by day..

It's not fair, but its the reality of it and frankly it has nothing to do with your transition...every divorce where the parents put it on the kids by crapping on the other is beyond awful..

So sorry Ann for the circumstances you are in. I can only imagine your pain. I am sure that your daughter feels loved and over time she will be okay. Seeing you happy as your true self will help her to adapt as time goes on. Patience and love.

I read your post and its a heart wrenching place to be in.
my heart aches just reading it.
I just wanted to say good luck.
be true to yourself.
And keep your promise to your daughter no matter what.


hugs
julie