If Tomorrow Never Comes...

So - even though I'm now stepping out more and more as Shawna...no one in my family knows about my dressing. (I realize now that Shawna is the real me - and that I'll need to come out soon - but that's another post at a later date...)

A few days ago, as I was driving fully dressed, the thought occurred to me: "What if I died today as Shawna? How would my wife and family deal with not only my death - but with only just realizing that they never really knew me?"

I guess it's just really struck me that being totally honest with ourselves includes being totally honest with those we love. NOW - I'm just trying to figure out the best way to do that...

Well that's something we all have to come to terms with and deal with (or not) in our own way.

There is no right answer except to be honest.

Personally I try not to waste time worrying about what if's and generally feel that if finding out your secret after you are gone changes someone's opinion of you from "love you, miss you" to "burn in Hell, freak" then they never loved you or were your friend to begin with.

Passing away while en femme is one of the perils of being totally closeted. It could be in an automobile accident. Or a heart attack while alone at home. My wife knows I wear women's clothing on occasion, although she has no idea of the extent of my wardrobe. She'd be surprised or really shocked by the number of dresses (162) and undergarments. To my knowledge my kids do not know. Sure, I'd love to be able to share this side of me with my wife. However, she has no desire to know or even discuss the issue.

I saw your bio. I don't know how long you have been married. I think a good marriage can weather the storm which seems to occur when the "reveal" happens. You should have an idea about your wife's feelings about men and women whose sexuality is outside the usual straight heterosexual; gays, lesbians, transgender men and women. Over the last decade there has been a lot of debate about the rights of transgender men and women. You have to remember when you 'out' yourself to your wife, your secret becomes a shared secret with her. There are perils involved other than her outside rejection and potential marital discord. There is always the fear of losing friend and family or work relationships. Or the neighbors. Does everyone needs to know? Or is it sufficient to find a social group to enable you to further develop Shawna.

For me I see no reason for anyone to know about Stephanie other than my wife. Even that comes with peril since it is possible my wife and I can die together in an automobile accident. Then my son and daughter will have to clean out our house. Of course, I can only assume they will be able to put it all together.

It's a hard decision to make. If you feel it is necessary, then first you should share your inner secret with your wife. Although my wife wants nothing to do with this side of me, she did encourage me to find a support group if I felt it was necessary. Good luck.

Thank you, Stephanie!

If it happens it happens and everyone will have to put two and two together.

The question goes with a lot of other what if's.

It will be confusing for some for a while.

The answer is obvious and simple: Don’t die.

Shawna,
This was a point I realised when I went to my first social meeting , many of them attending were there without the knowledge of family or friends . I did suggest that either the group should make a contact register or the hotel we met in did . If there was a fire with serious injuries how would some of the people attending be recognised to contact the next of kin ?

Now I live alone and dress full time in my new home town I must make sure I have some way of proving my identity should the worse happen .

You can always leave a letter with your will explaining things.

LOL, Micki! My plan is the same as yours...but you know the adage of "...the best laid plans..."

Shelly, your recommendation is sound...I'll absolutely consider doing this!

"If tomorrow never comes" then I consider I have had a good life and after we are gone we cannot worry anymore.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Micki_Finn

The answer is obvious and simple: Don’t die.

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None of us gets out alive, Nicki.😀

My belief is that the only pain we feel on the other side is all the love we withhold I in this life. Y'all know my view of hiding our TG nature from those we love. In the OP's scenario, though, we need to consider what would be more hurtful, sharing that secret now or having it discovered post mortem.

Hiding who you are can pretty much ruin your marriage and your wife and kids life if you die all dressed up out in public so think about that.
Maybe you need to explain to your wife this part of you. You know there will come a time she will find your stash of girl stuff and possibly divorce you over it then where will you be?
Single having to pay alimony and child support for 18 years while you live in a 1 bedroom dump eating beans every night and some guy married to your ex and living in the house you are still paying for.

If I die today, my panty drawer will be the least of my problems. If you intend to be totally honest with the ones that you love, call them and tell them how much you love them. If they love you, too, that’s more important than knowing what’s hanging in your closet.

Anne

We are in an empty state, it doesn't matter anyhow!

I don't go out like that, but if something else happens there are going to be a couple of thoroughly confusing dresser drawers to clean out!

Somewhat related, I took care of my brother's stuff when he passed (he still lived at home) and finding and boxing up anything like that was priority #1. It just comes with the territory.

In my situation living alone I won't have that sort of problem.

I just feel sorry for the people(ambulance crew) that has to clean up the mess in the bath tub I made dying.

Living alone one can be how can I say selfish! in that you are your own boss, you make your life yours and at the end of it there's just you and a pile of nice things for your nearest and dearest to find.
Certainly a difficult thing to overcome but I suppose the best to come out of it all is leaving a letter explaining the why's and wherefores of ones life and why one dressed in the first place.
That's what i will be doing, leaving an explanatory letter for those of my family left behind.

I also agree that some sort of letter would best be left with your "things" to explain your "special activities, for those of your loved ones who do not know. I have a certain amount of "stuff" that would be found if I am unable to dispose of it befre my demise. Unfortunately in my case mu immediate family knows I am a CD and do not like it at all. This includes my sister and her husband, their daughter, and maybe their son as well. Beyond that I don't know who, if
anyone else, my ex-wife may have told on my side of the family. I'll go into that in a little more detail when I make my introductory entry---which I have never made yet at all. If I have yet enough time I hope to be able to write a small sort of memoir about my years, and that would be included to some extent, primarily how I think it started and the details I remember growing up. I would hope to leave it with my small "stash'o'stuff in that case, so if anyone else happens to be the ones who end up having to dispose of it, they could read it if they are so inclined.