My world - and mine alone! ?
In an earlier thread I brought up the effects of a close friend starting her transition and its effects on people. Besides the answers on the post itself, I received many e-mails with others insight as they saw it.
Those responses prompted this thread.
All I can base my thoughts on are personal observations and incoming communications such as the e-mails. I would like to see how everyone else sees it too. What "it" is just happens to be actions and thought patterns of those who are CD/TS/TG. Does our "group" show a higher degree of ME FIRST!
I understand the need of individuals to pursue their own path in life - BUT how far do we go. How much do we allow others to just live with our actions because we like it or need it, and if others are just not open minded enough to accept it - then tough. I'm doing it anyway. Where does it say in the marriage certificate that after we realize being married isn't the "fix" we thought it would be for our desire to CD, then till death do us part becomes till you can't live with the new me. Is it fair for our kids to be teased at school because "your daddy's a sissy so you must be one too." Why do we feel our choice of lifestyle - because we are comfortable with it or we need to become our true selves - comes first. It shouldn't matter how it effects others. Should it? Are we being selfish? Or are others just not accepting fast enough the new age and it really is their problem not ours? Is there a more appropriate way for us to help the rest of the world with learning what CD/TS/TG is all about rather than shock and awe? Are we invading others "space" by breaking with societal customary dress style? Or are they impeding our freedom to be who we want?
If you want to flame this post - then take out your anger somewhere else. I purposely did not direct this post one way or another. Just looking for good clean dialog between us. There is too much grey area here to be a solid right or wrong.
Great Question - it definitely straddles the fence
This question depending upon your perspective can be answered different ways. So I will attempt to answer all the way around the question.
1) I think it is wrong for a anybody to be selfish and spend money, time and energy on anything which distracts from the others in the family. This can be going to play golf every weekend on Saturday and watching football all day on Sunday. What about the responsibilties to your wife and children? Cd'ers are no different from the rest of society except their interest in Cd'ing. You make a commitment in marriage to love, honor and cherish. Even though it doesn't say the marriage vows imply support. I think the greatest way to show love and support to your family is by spending time with them. Putting them first in your time allocation.
2) This is the other side of the coin. While a cd'er doesn't have the right to be selfish and all about me, they do have the right to be respected by their spouse. That support can come in a don't ask - don't tell system all the way to full acceptance. Many times as in my own life, my wife knows and wants nothing to do with it. My wife goes further to ridicule cd'ers and make sure to bring up any news stories about cd'ing in the most negative way. That to me is terrible, because their is a lack of respect for the other party. Cd'ers have feelings even if a spouse doesn't understand them. Lack of understanding doesn't mean that you should belittle someone else. That type of non-acceptance does lead to that selfish thinking which ultimately will doom a marriage.
Marriage is a 2 way street which requires both parties to work together. The marriage is only as good as the weakest link. Couples should build each other up instead of being all about themselves.
shouldn't a drank all that coffee!
This is a hairy subject here. It's one of those things where it's very tempting to apply your own issues onto others, when it's individually diverse.
I'll be the only thing I can be with this subject -selfish- and speak only of me, because it would be impossible to do otherwise with this word.
I try to fight selfishness in me. Selfishness is a touchy subject. It's going to be a LONG post! Because I am so selfish.
Ever do shadow-self work? Active imagination? It's kind of like 'at-home' psychoanalysis. In me, this might be a case for that. :D
I'll do this: I imagine I'm out dressed in public, trying to live as a woman, be 'full-time,' etc... (I don't consciously wish this, but I explore it because it is a common theme, and I also want to Know what goes on in my head.)
Then I imagine someone seeing me, knowing of me, the judgmental voice of 'society' (one facet of the shadow-self,) some person who sees me and heartily disapproves. I think we all have figures like this who control our actions from within.
If I study the utterances of this shadow-person, it's surprising. He is not saying "hey, there goes a damn freak, I wanna outcast it." He is not going "lol, hella ghey homoslexual right there, BASH it!" This is what the stereotype expects, but is not at all the case for me.
What this dark figure, this imagined 'judge' from my unconscious, is saying when he sees the imagined FT dressed me, is almost just what you're suggesting in your OP. He's saying "Wow, there goes the most self-absorbed jerk I've seen all day. I sure hope he doesn't expect me to further masturbate his ego by interacting with him. I abhor pride and selfishness, and I am seeing a literal walking personification of it and I disapprove."
Now, that's a moderately deep, dark example of my unconscious shadow-self process. It's not reality, and if it's kept near consciousness it won't be as likely to be projected, but the most dangerous thing, from all accounts, is to pretend it isn't there. It's also not the only figure speaking or opining on the subject. There is a feminine (anima-self) connection that is saying a wholly different thing. She's saying "Ooh, look at the poor dear, like a little puppy desperately needing to be loved and attended to. Coming out like this in public is such an obvious statement of need, this person needs friends, love, and validation! It's not selfish want at all, it's need. I have to help. I have to take care of that person and make it all better!"
Notice all this judgment is pointed at myself, imagined as a public full-time TG. If I don't try to keep this shadow voice conscious, it will be projected onto other public, full-time TG's, which would be a distortion. Everything unconscious is projected.
(And also notice that the feminine anima-self still sees a 'problem' with the hypothetical image of me full-timing. She doesn't see it as selfish, but the opposite, a desperate need for something missing, neither figure sees a 'contented person living normally' when they look at the imagined image of me full-timing. This is a crucial nugget to find in this confusion, and is probably the 'answer' to why I personally don't have a desire to full-time dress.
There's also a seldom-seen 'higher-self" figure who occasionally pipes in with what sounds like 'wisdom.' I'm trying to locate that figure more and more often.
I usually like to listen to the anima figure in these particular examples, because she's "nicer" in her way, and sees good in people rather than bad. But I'm leaving her input and the elusive 'higher self' wizardly figure out of question for now, only because the topic is 'selfishness,' and that's the word the shadow uses. Focusing on the opposite doesn't silence him; he exists for a purpose.)
What this tells me about myself, which I can use to grow, is that I should try to fight selfishness in myself as a general rule in and out of my dressing, because unconscious self-sabotage will happen if I perceive myself to be selfish, and it can't be fooled with excuses I tell myself consciously. It's interesting to note that no matter how outlandish the image of me dressed in public is, it's only the "selfishness" my shadow-self reacts to, there is never talk of perversion, sickness, or labels of sexual preference. I think that means they are non-issues to me in what's important to me in my dressing.
It also reveals an element of envy, discontent that others do 'whatever they want,' while I hold myself back from a lot of things for fear of being selfish. So then there is a yearning to have a healthy level of self-satisfaction as well, or else bitterness will arise. Then I resolve not to 'delete selfishness in me' but to 'curb selfishness" To control, not to eradicate. (Without salt, potato chips taste like crap, too much salt, potato chips taste like salty crap, but with just enough salt, it resonates with the potatoes and becomes magically delicious.)
It's also interesting and telling to note the setting of this imagined interaction. This occurance happens on a 'mainstream' psychic plane in a perceived world where people are coming and going to work, shopping for groceries (not the mall, but the supermarket), basically dealing with mundane life, and this shadow-self--judge is on his way to his day-job, putting in his work time. Something tells me this same shadow figure would be absolutely fine and supporting of the same eccentric image of me dressed, in public even, at a leisurely setting, shopping in the mall with friends, out at a dance club, even in public parks. He doesn't see it as perverse or wrong on the surface, but only selfishly out of place. He only judges the image of me dressed as selfish in: work settings, family settings, or otherwise mundane settings. What does this mean? He thinks it's unfair only to be selfish when you're around others who you have to 'work' with? He thinks cross-dressing is, at it's core, superficial leisure, because gender is but a symbolic construct anyway? Ah, it's another place to delve, and it's lunch time.
The last thing I think I can glean from the exercise is that, whenever dealing with others, especially in the TG world, to try silence the shadow, and listen more to the anima-self. The shadow is essentially the voice of self-control, he's there to keep strict on me, not others. Affect and relationships are the domain of the anima, so she gets a bigger say on how my total being deals with others, when it comes back to reality. When I balance her affect towards others and love of me, with the healthier parts of the shadow's self-criticism, this is when all figures sort of begin to merge into the higher-self voice.
Slow day at work, heehee.