My wife caught our 14 yo son crossdressing

Hello groop this is my first post in many years. My wife knows about my crossdressing and really is repulsed by it. In the last few years I've dressed only a handful of times. I'm not very comfortable talking about it with her because I see the disappointment in her face. Long story short. Last night, my wife caught our son crossdressing. I was sleeping. She told me about it in the morning. It's always been a worry of mine that ,what happens if one of my kids has to deal with this. The only person who knows about me is my wife. I was never planning on telling my 2 boys. Just looking for a little advice/ support in this situation. Just a side note my wife did support him and told him he was doing nothing wrong also that she has dealt with this situation before with someone who she cares for deeply. He kept questioning who but she never told him.

I think first of all your wife handled the situation perfectly. It must be difficult to be concerned that your wife my equate 1 and 1 = 2. I think without ever being in that situation that it may pay for your wife to ask him what was the driver. It could be curiosity, desire or may even have other considerations. If it is other things such as trans thoughts for his mental state best to offer all support now. I think that there is a risk he may be too embarrassed to talk to dad. And it must be tough for you

I'd talk to your son, man to man. Go for a walk with him, Tell him you love him and explain to him about the decisions of today could effect his in the future. Make him feel safe, ask him which pro nouns he wants to be address. Ask him if he needs a cousuler? Basically have the talk about STDs etc. Find out what is going on in school,. Your his father and be a good wingman.

I find it interesting that your wife can be understanding and accepting with your son, but not with you. I suppose there are differences in the two situations.

I think if it were me, I would want to talk to my son and share my knowledge and understanding, but as a closeted cross dressers who has only shared my secret with my wife, I also certainly understand that you wouldn’t want to share that information with him. Seems you could still have a fruitful conversation with him and probe for feedback with leading questions saying you have read X or have heard X as reasons, etc. Far be it from me to give advice, because I am not you or knowledge enough or qualified enough to advise, but I am curious to hear more from you as the story evolves. Best of luck with the situation.

I can relate your feelings as to how to handle it. I think your wife handled it well, also like Mary Loo it's interesting that your wife said that concerning your son but not OK for you. Before talking to him have a good talk with your wife about her feelings about having the talk, maybe have both of you talk to him and tell him at that time? Please let us know how it goes.

The main reason it doesn't work for me is. We have a romantic and physical relationship. She is not attracted to a guy in a dress. And that is 100% ok. I hid it from her for the first 10 years of our relationship. Im the one who should have been more transparent.

I think one of the reasons for the CDing being difficult for a SO is that she or he goes to bed with you. The CDing puts the SO's gendered role in the couple in question. If there was hiding for some time, it presumably caused additional commotion and trust issues that must be dealt with. Nothing like this with a son (and neither with strangers, which makes the NIMBY attitude very self-explanatory in my opinion, if you try to walk the SO's shoes).

Your wife handled the situation quite well. She supported him and told him the right things. But it must have been a bit difficult for her considering her husband does that as well. I recommend talking to your wife about your son's crossdressing and try to keep your crossdressing out of the conversation. Make it all about him. In short, develop a game plan. Nothing wrong with introducing the aspect that he will possibly want to do this more openly. But keep it in the context of his world and recognize that kids today much more freely and often openly express gender variant feelings and desires. Perhaps mainly emphasize that he needs to be safe with whatever he does because there are those that are completely intolerant of that behavior. He probably knows that, but be sure he knows that.

I think your wife has done all that should be done in the moment. Going forward the two of you should maintain the support without questioning. Your son is likely no more able to explain his interest that any of us could.

Glad your wife supported him.
But important he is not made to feel
It is wrong - it’s not
Could be just experimenting- teen stuff
Nothing he needs to be ashamed of.
Please stress this ….
He needs to not feel shame or it being made a big deal.


I have a grandson that did something similar

Lots of good advice.

I hope your wife makes it clear you both support him. As your son may be worried about your reaction.

I suspect he may be more comfortable talking with your wife.

Well, you certainly don't need to jump into the insidious pronoun nonsense. All of you are still in the learning stage. He might be acting out as an escape from the pressure and mystery of manhood and puberty.
Let your wife take the lead on this as your son is obviously comfortable enough to talk to her. No need for you to disclose your proclivity to him.
You really don't need to make it any bigger than it truly is. If anything, it's a natural curiosity that he needs to explore and too much outside concern and involvement can be as detrimental as narrow minded ridicule.
And certainly DO NOT let his school get involved!

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Well said Carla! Yes! This.

You need to let your wife know that she deserves mad props for the way she handled it.

I agree with Carla 100%

I don?t what your relationship with your son is like but I suspect that your son will be more comfortable talking with your wife regarding cross dressing. I have a fantastic relationship with my dad but it is a manly relationship and I wouldn?t talk to him about cross dressing. With my mom I have spoke with her about cross dressing and I have even freely dressed in front of her. I know dad knows because she knows but still not going to talk to him about it.

For me I am a straight manly man that simply likes to wear girl clothes. My wife loves manly men cannot stand it that I like to wear girl clothes because she cannot comprehend that it doesn?t change who I am. I am still a straight manly man just wearing girl clothes.

Thanks for sharing with us and keep us posted

At that age and with all the media coverage of events like the Bud Light issue and Drag Queens it's not surprising that someone his age might be curious and try it.
I'd not put too much emphasis on it. I'd discuss it and see what his thoughts are. Perhaps it's just curiosity, perhaps it's a Halloween thing.
Talk to him and don't freak out. Don't make him feel it's taboo, perverted or any of the other degrading things people have made us feel in the past or you might just drive him into hiding rather than open communication.

First thought, I think he is too young to be burdoned with knowing about your dressing. I remember being that age, he is figuring out his interests and identities. And talking about some interests with your dad that young would be awkward and unwanted, even if the relationship is great. This generation is different than before, most 10 year olds have seen porn much more graphic than any of us saw at 25.

I would tread lightly, it doesnt need to be spoken about, but it may need boundaries if things escalate. Teenagers love privacy, and its often good to give it to them.

Wow this is one situation I really need to think about. Can you possibly supply a few more details ?

How did she catch him ? Did she enter his room without warning ? Did she already suspect something was up ?

What exactly did she catch him wearing and were any of the items hers ?

Thanks and best of luck

About 2 weeks ago she found one ove his school polos cut up. He told her that he made a skirt. When he got caught it was around 2 in the morning and she heard a lot of rustling and was just telling him he needs to be in bed. She said all the items he made. Also that his reasoning and mine are very similar. I still have a hard time with myself.

Thanks ! Hmm So no female underwear was invloved !

Very impressive that he made most of the items !

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Originally Posted by CarlaWestin

Well, you certainly don't need to jump into the insidious pronoun nonsense. All of you are still in the learning stage. He might be acting out as an escape from the pressure and mystery of manhood and puberty.
Let your wife take the lead on this as your son is obviously comfortable enough to talk to her. No need for you to disclose your proclivity to him.
You really don't need to make it any bigger than it truly is. If anything, it's a natural curiosity that he needs to explore and too much outside concern and involvement can be as detrimental as narrow minded ridicule.
And certainly DO NOT let his school get involved!

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I also agree with Carla 100% do NOT keep talking about this it will embarrass him badly . Let him find his own way , there's enough outside pressure on kids already . .. kids do not want to talk about this with their parents. If he can with your wife , fine but leave it at that .
Not everyone is "trans" or "on the spectrum " etc that wears women's clothing .


Mom of 6 here: 4 boys , 2 girls 22-40

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Originally Posted by Robbiegirl

What exactly did she catch him wearing and were any of the items hers ?

Thanks and best of luck

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Come on dude , really ??? here ???

I, too, think your wife handled the situation very well. I wonder how long your son?s been crossdressing. Probably longer than you know. Curious, what was he was wearing when caught?your wife?s clothes, lingerie? I think you should tell your other son. Eventually, he?ll find out. If nothing more, your honesty will be respected. This experience could also open your wife?s acceptance of your dressing. Be honest. It worked for me. I?ve dressed for years, but I mustered up the courage to tell my wife before we wed. Surprisingly, after many long talks, reading, etc., she accepted it and is very supportive and helpful. Thank goodness, she has an open mind and a great sense of humor. She?ll never understand and teases me about my love and enjoyment of underwires, hose, etc. Go slowly. I wish you the best.

carla is right, i would not say a word to him about it let your wife do the talking, im afraid if you say anything he will be embarrassed and shut down, and if there are other issues they may or will get buried and may cause problems down the road.
( just my 2 cents )

Some good advice given here. Your wife has handled it impressively. When I was much younger.My dad accidentally found my fem clothing and high heel shoes. It was obvious the shoes weren?t my mothers due to their size. I did not have any sisters. It freaked him out, never ever talked to me about it. My mother challenged me on his behalf. I confessed they were mine. My mother confiscated the items .Put it down as a teenage phase I would grow out of . Never saw the clothing again. When I came out to my mother 12 years ago. She told me she kept the pantyhose/ tights . The rest of the items were given away.. Being a macho ex military man, my father couldn?t handle the thought that his son could be a sissy.

CarlaWestin, you hit this one out of the park. Quksilver420, just about anything you say can, or could be taken wrong by your wife and make matters worse. She has been handling this rather well so far. CD'ing is not something that any son would want to talk to his dad about. Communicate your feelings with your spouse, maybe she will soften up regarding your CD issues. Personally I doubt it, but there is always a chance.

To Robbiegirl, what the heck are you thinking, those are not important issues for any reason.

Totally disagree with many comments here! Boys his age r dealing with puberty. And, altho things r different from when I was growing up, boys around 13 start bullying and picking on "wimpy" boys!:thumbsdn:

I would definitely speak with him because he may naturally try to please and emulate u!:thumbsup:

In private tell him u know and ask if he wishes to talk about it? If not, tell him yourself there's nothing wrong with him. And, while not telling him about yourself, mention and ask how he plans to deal with his friends and other kids at school? That HAS to be bothering him. Your SO can't adequately address what a teen boy goes thru the way u can!:straightface:

Robbie, I think I get your concerns. Because undies and nighties r your fetish you're worried it mite be for him, too? But, at this stage of his development what is or isn't a fetish is not something he'll want to talk about with his parents about!:doh: