But how does it actually hurt anyone?
Hmm... I'm trying to puzzle this one out. Many of the arguments agaisnt crossdressing when in relationships seem to come from an idea that doing so will somehow 'hurt' the SO.
So what I want to know is how it can hurt them and why it can hurt them. Where does the hurt come from?
This is of course apart from any arguments about decpetion, lying or hiding that can occur in some relationships. So if those aspects are removed (or nor present to start with) where does the hurt come from?
A bhuddist friend of mine suggested that it comes from the SO having an expectation or desire of their husbands perceived masculinity or 'normality' and that the thwarting of this desire is what produces pain, but that that is a pain that allows for growth of the persons awareness and therefore is a good and positive pain to inflict on someone.
Another view I've heard is that accepting the free will of others is hard, the closer someone is to you the more you want to have a say in their choices especially if you feel those choices are bad ones and that it always hurts when someone close to you does something that you don't want them to do.
Then it has been suggested to me that there is a greater pressure to conform among women (personally I suspect it might be worse amongst men) and that being forced to have a life less 'normal' causes this pain.
Now surely there must be more to it than just these ideas so can anyone explain to me just what the nature of the SO's hurt is?
the hurt.....ahhhh the hurt.....
it is an intangible hurt. One that is not seen by others on the *outside*. There is the loss of the *ideal*, the *normal*. There is the hurt of the CD's *teenage years* when everything has to do with crossdressing. There is the hurt that you cannot be fully open and honest with even your best friend for fear of rejection (had that happen in a round about way). There is the hurt of not being able to tell your children when you have raised them with truth as one of your core values. There is, in the beginning, the hurt of feeling less of a woman, not enough for the CDer. There is the hurt of deciept (intentional or not). There is the hurt of aggreementsmade only to be broken when the CDer finds his needs expanding. There is the hurt of the unknown and where the journey may take you. There is the hurt.
Louise.
this SO would not agree with those rules...
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Danielle_oc_ca
In Tri-Ess, talking to wary SOs it seems the main hurt is not to the SO themselves. What they seem to be more worried about is what others may think . That they are afraid of the hurt that would come from the embarrassment they think they may experience if someone else found out.
Yes, there is the loss of what they expected in a man. My ex was that way but most women are OK with a bit of cross dressing under the following conditions:
The male dresses as a female parody and make little or no attempt to look good.
The crossdressing is done in private so no one else ever finds out.
Personally, I do not accept these rules. But then I live alone now. And the divorce was because of other reasons.
Danielle
either. I want Carin to look her best at all times.
Louise.
you make some very good points....
Quote:
Originally Posted by
battybattybats
Um... ok clearly you have a list of serious grievences there but please let me address them.
Your first complaint is definatly a valid one, but itd be the same if it were something else he spent the money on, its a problem with how extra household money gets split and clearly each person is entitled to a fair share of that and some should be used for both. If one partner is thinking too much of their own needs and isn't being romantic enough that too is a valid problem no matter the subject.
The second problem, wouldn't it be the same with any obsessive hobby or such? Would it be different if it were football or some hobby? I've heard lots of similar complaints from 'football widows' or 'world of warcraft widows' and I wonder if there is a strong difference there?
The third one is an even more serious valid problem as its a serious ethical matter and a big problem (because its done behind someones back). I don't see how thats different than if they were flirting with women or sleeping with women behind their wifes back. Having, even needing an 'open' or polyamorous relationship is one thing, a lifestyle choice, but risking infecting an SO unaware of the risk is clearly another.
The thing is, not one of these very valid problems seem to me to be about the crossdressing itself. There seems to be a problem with fair finance decisions and deficiancy in romance, a problem with finding fair amounts of shared time and a big problem with potentially risky behaviour. The crossdressing seems incidental. If one were to change the 'costume' of these problems they wouldn't practically change at all. Replace the word dressing with 'playing football' or 'going to the pub' and all remain valid complaints, essentially the same. The last one, whether with men or with women would also be the same no matter what.
All good and serious complaints but is the dressing the real cause/issue here or is it merely a surface subject, a veil over some deep and serious issues?
the hurts that I know of are the less tangible (see my above post). For me personally,it was about mourning the loss of my percieved relationship. There was another persona to include (actually Carin/Pat are one) and I am getting to know her (and as a result him) better. It has taken her and I a goodly number of years to get to where we are now. The hurts still linger but they are easier for me now. I have been able to find that *inner peace* I have been searching for for so long. Part of that process WAS realizing that crossdressing is in and of itself quite harmless. Society's perception of the CDer however is not quite so harmless. I do think us SOs are more likely to pick up on society's less than kind perception of our CDing SOs. My daughter, just last night said that the only thing that bothers her about her father's CDing was that he may be made fun of and have his feelings hurt. Ihope I have explained my POV well enough.
Louise.