Originally Posted by
Bobbielikes
I would like to point out I am safe and I do get tested. Also when I say I've been cheating the whole marriage the truth is that means about 5 times in 10 years. Sadly the sex life with here is almost that infrequent too. This is gonna sound horrible but I know it's wrong and I've known for a while I should come clean let her make the informed decision which I am 100% sure will be to leave me and take the kids. If it were that simple believe me I'd do it. But I've ran that scenario out. I make far more money than she could ever make and she would take half of it, and be forced to live on that. Now me with a new life I'd find the dirtiest studio apartment and be perfectly happy living as Pam. But my wife and kids... It would destroy their world. So I feel like my best choice, and it's a crappy one I know, is to be as good a husband and dad as I can as much as I can. Occasionally I slip up but I actually do generally try to be good.
As far as the distancing. I know she senses that, I'll drift off once in a while but mostly I have a very complex internalization process which is probably borderline multiple personality disorder. We have tried therapy. I loved it! She hated it because she is incapable of admitting she is wrong or that others opinions can be right. Again that's a generalization she's now some bitchy money grubbing wife she's a complicated woman.
I pretty much feel like a monster right now.
FYI I didn't mean anything by the freaks comment it was more of a joke than anything, humor is how I try to handle these things. I really appreciate all the advice and believe it or not even the lectures. I hope you all understand that Your only getting part of my story and that being honest in a post is as close as I've come, other that with the boyfriend, to telling anyone about this.
Lastly. I have liked men as long as I can remember. My first kiss, first sexual experience was with a man. Society told me that was wrong and I actually consider myself bisexual. When I met my wife I was in a weird place in my life. I was in a purely sexual relationship with a female friend. It was pure lust and passion to be honest I loved her but she didn't want more than what we had. Then I met my wife. She thought I was funny and nice and cool. After the second date I visited the other girl. I told her I had met someone and that I couldn't see her like this. She gave me a good bye jump and for a split second I thought she changed her mind but it was for naught. Things were going great until about a month before the wedding. We got in a huge fight and she cheated on me. Now ill be honest I've always been a porn addict I probably need help with that. Well somehow that night I stumbled on Craig's list and ended up in the back seat with a guy in a sears parking lot. It was fun and intense. But afterwards I felt terrible and I came to blame myself for her cheating. So I went back begged forgiveness and promised to work harder at our relationship. The day of our wedding I spent the morning with my ex. I guess I was looking for a way out. My ex never forgave me for that. Turns out she loved me too but was too immature to understand that. We haven't spoken since. Again there was a year when things were great. Then I my wife started shutting down the sex and eventually i started scanning Craigslist. To that point I had maybe rounded third once with a guy. One night I had a class that got cancelled so I didn't tell the wife and met up with my boyfriend. He made me feel wanted, sexy, fun again. It was just amazing. But it wasn't real. Anyway 2 years later we hooked up again and this time I worked up the courage bought clothes, shoes, purse and a wig. He loved it and I never felt more beautiful and sexy. It's been almost a year since I was last with him.
Obviously I should get to therapy is what I'm finding. Wow I'm a hot mess