Here we go.. Could be longish.
Hello again everyone,
I have recently applied (by drinking Guinness) for the 'Longest Lurker' title. At least in my state. Ok, my county. My town? Ok, for sure I've got it on this computer and no one can take that away!
I'm going to try to make this 'information dense', so please ask if you have questions. I'll start by correcting a name chosen in haste. My name is not Renae, it is Thea. I will continue to use the same account as I am not site sophisticated enough to change it.
When I signed into this site the first time, I was a newly aware crossdresser. (So I thought). I was also a newly discovered crossdresser, thanks to clothes washing in the basement laundry while intoxicated. You see, I was raised by an adamant feminist. I learned to sew, do laundry, cook (very well thank you.), clean house and iron, as well as helping with my sister. I have always ironed and pressed for my family/partners as I am very good at it. So, wife out of town, I wash, dry and fold the laundry while dressed, (never sexual since age 3). Having some wine, cooking for the coming weeks' lunches, finish up, clean up, go to bed. Next week, wife hands me a pair of black stretch capris. (She wears them a lot.) Not hers, not her size, why were they in her drawer? Whose are they? Ummmm. Mine. Here we go. Therapist (with gender training, quite helpful), Tri-Ess meetings; didn't seem right for me, or her, all the usual questions... Uncomfortable realizations.
After ~20 years (no children this time), divorce (still friends); but she's not a lesbian and I am. So, on we go...
I cannot express how good it feels to let go of the hiding and the false foundation for a human life. To come out to the members of my family and know the ease of not putting on a mask every day!
I cannot express the sorrow of losing all I have lost and that which I have yet to lose. To hear the anguish of members of my family as I figuratively 'kill' the person they know and love.
I have chosen not to get involved in the labeling and polling of favorite panty colors, as those topics hold little interest for me. I now know, and accept that I am TS. I will die in the physical form of a female, having lived the second half of my life as a woman. I also know that if you are comfortable with being a crossdresser and value your time as a man, you have many options and I truly hope you can ultimately be out, happy and supported. Please do not envy the seeming greenness of the grass over here; if you do not need to make this trip, I would advise against it. I also, having so far survived my trial by fire, would have to acknowledge that I am happier and more at ease in my own skin than I have ever been.
I have learned to live as a woman, rarely ever get misgendered (age and theater experience helps). I have re-discovered some goals that now seem achievable, because I've had to let others go. I experience larger swings in my mood and outlook, which I see as a good thing because it indicates a life lived and more activity. I find it more difficult every day to use the male voice or wear a shirt with the buttons on the wrong side. None of my suits are cut for breasts or hips either and estrogen works very well on me. Ah well, into every life a little rain must fall.
I hope to meet others around Denver and Colorado, as a girl can never have too many friends.
To my TS/TG/CD sisters, I thank you for your input and discussion over the last years, I have learned much; to the GGs/SOs here, I wish the best for you. May you all get the answers you seek, the honest and loving engagement of every human here and in your individual worlds, have the comfort and security we all deserve.
All my best,
Thea
