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hi all
it's been a long time since i last posted, and i have been away because ive been raising a child for the last 2 years or so. i'm ready to restart therapy and begin planning a transition.
i'm looking for some insights and thoughts on how to do this when you have a young child (she is 2.5 years old)
is something like this typically going to be unhealthy for a child? is it better that she is young now?
thx
Hi Saya,
I don't believe it's unhealthy at all. I used to think that, but no longer. Be there for the child, love them, hold them, nurture them, discipline them, care for them one day at a time, for the rest of your life. It's an 18 year process of letting go.
It doesn't matter if they call you 'mom' or 'dad'. They will love and respect you because you've loved them throughout their life.
I actually talked about something similar with my therapist recently. Apparently young children, under about four years old only create emotional memories and so as long as you are the same loving parent your child will not remember any different.
I agree. When three of my grandsons found out, the oldest asked questions and now corrects his brothers when they say Papa because its Grandma Sue. The middle, age 5, cried because he didn't want to be a girl (I think he missed the point by a bit). The youngest, 2 1/2 years old, wandered off and played like no one talked to him. The fourth grandson is with my other daughter and only 1 1/2 years old. My guess is that the only oldest has a chance of remembering Papa. The rest will remember Grandma Sue only and the love we have already shared.
I don't think there is any golden rule. Generally I think kids, especially younger ones, are more resilient than you think.
Whenever I see a post along these lines I tend to think of an interview given by a TS and her wife Bridget Clinch in Australia. When Bridget transitioned she had a young child and her wife was very concerned about how she would take it. The child I believe was around 5 or 6 yrs old. When told by her mum about "daddy becoming a mummy" and asked if she was sad or upset by it she replied "Why? If it makes daddy happy then why would I be sad?"
Out of the mouths of babes :)
The earlier you let out your "Inner girl", the better. Keep in mind that your young child knows you as the one who changed her diapers, who gave her baths, who read her bedtime stories, who cuddled them then they needed a hug, who helped them learn to ride a bike. Furthermore, if you were like many transgenders you were MORE nurturig and supportive than most dads. My dad was "75% female" according to a test he took in college.
He was never "Macho", and he only spanked me really bad once (and freaked out when he did). He read me stories, cuddled, he had 4 hairs on his chest and mom loved to try and pull them with her fingers. Mom suffered from severe depression related to being raped by a politician's son. She also suffered from what we now know as PMS.
Dad met mom through one of his many "girl buddies", in his yearbook, he was oftne surrounded by girls in many of his pictures. They were his friends. He was probably the best daddy I could have ever wished for. At school, the boys would often compare bruises they got from their fathers. One kid got a black eye from his father for losing a fight. I wouldn't traid my "Sissy Daddy" for one of those "kid beaters" who were often also "wife beaters" for anything.
My son found out about Debbie when he was 10. My daughter found out when she was 7. Both of them loved that I didn't have to pretend to be a boy around them anymore.
When they were teen-agers, they made friends with transgender and gay kids. They were relatively "normal", and each has their own problems, as adults, but they know they can talk to me when they need some support, and they know I love them and that they love me. When I transittioned to 24/7, I went to see them. My grandson said "gamba Rex? then said in a happy happy voice "GAMMA DEBBIE!!!". He was THRILLED to see me. My daughter had prepared him, but he didn't quite understand. When he saw me, he know my face, but he also saw that I was a girl, and suddenly it all made sense. Katie, my granddaughter just came over, gave me a hug, and said "I love you gamma debbie". A beautiful moment.
When you don't have to pretend to be something you never wanted to be in the first place, the kids can sense the authenticity. They will love you for it.
I think that at that age it will go very easily. Granted, I don't have kids of my own, but there are a few youngsters in the family. I came out to them, and they absolutely took it in stride. Now, some time later, I think they have forgotten that Aunt Paula was ever anything else.
My children (4 year old daughter and 9 year stepson) will deal with it quite well I hope, they have already been out and about with me dressed and madeup and neither of them cared at all. At the moment they don't know the full extent, but they know daddy likes to wear dresses and put makeup on and they are quite happy with that. My stepson is very much into people being happy, if something makes someone happy then why should he have an issue with it :) Makes me proud.
thanks for the feedback all. my ex has some strong issues with me presenting to our daughter as a women, as she thinks it could affect her development at this age.