Unbalanced: support: Transgender ? first time meeting others....

hi all,
I managed to attend my first support group outing and at my wife's concerns i did not go dressed,
out of respect of privacy i will just say i was held at a church a few towns over, it was comfortable and had near 30 participants once everyone slowly showed up...i was impressed....thought it would be much fewer.
we went around and introduced ourselves and at my turn stated my name and professed to be transgender, a first for me in a public setting.
the mix was MtF, FtM, parents, sisters, brothers, most pre-op and full time, as well as post op. each was afforded to share something about themselves as the curator moved around the circle, (our became an oval as folks showed up after the meet began), when my turn came i shared the fact that i was a participant of an online group and was surprised at the participants use of "transgendered" and apologized if i used it errantly, i was told yes its transgender and transsexual is an outdated term with hints of disrespect, that the term is "transgender' and an umbrella term and is not a verb, no one is "transgendered". I thanked them for explaining this but all the while felt here we have a section devoted and didnt think those watering theyre felt it was outdated or insulting. so i came away confused by that, being here a year i felt like i was getting this LGBT thing down.

what was also apparent and contrary to popular belief there were more FtM participants both pre-op as well as post-op which had me compelled to make a note about that here.....just for the fact that anytime i read something its states the opposite....

so first time sharing myself to a group....still not out dressed...but i think i would have been comfortable there....some of the stories were truly sad, some were very inspirational....

just wanted to share....thanks for reading....

Hey Mikell - Congratz for getting out and public! :cheer:

Sounds a little like I've read about others experiences, but I share your confusion about terminology... perhaps it's like parts of England used to be: two valleys and three villages away and they talk a completely different dialect... :facepalm:

Hopefully you were made to feel welcome..? I'd also hope that the fact that you are obviously part-time in your presentation wasn't somehow held against you..? And interesting about FtM numbers - perhaps it's just the fact that males CD more in a part-time sense... Were there any other part-time folk or just you?

(All these questions... it's like I'm Cardinal Biggles... ;))

Katey x

Hi Mikell and congrats on getting out there and finding a support group. Yeah the terminology thing gets confusing and as we all navigate through the minefield of what is right and what is wrong, we will eventually all get to the other side . . . just make sure if someone yells "STOP DON'T MOVE" while in the minefield you do just that :). Seriously though, I hope you have found a great and supportive group to help you on your journey.

Hugs

Isha

Congratulations on getting out. It's an important step.

I wouldn't worry too much about terminology. I gave up on "the name game" a long time ago. I bear no malice toward anyone, and if that isn't enough, too bad.

I remember my first time going to a support group, it seemed mostly TS's which kind of confused me at first but then learned about transitioning and full time CDing,I don't remember the word transgender being used but this was back in the 80's so. I did attend other meetings for a short time and gained the confidence to go out dressed but the subject matter almost always seemed to lean towards TSism and could get very confusing so I stopped going and more or less lost touch with the others until I found this wonderful site and started learning again and now found the info to help me accept myself as I am and happier than I have been in a long time. I hope all goes well with you and the meetings help you in your journey.

Don't sweat the terminology police. We are not using terribly precise terminology here. Close enough.

Each individual group has it's own overall dynamics I guess. I left the one I started out with as I realized I'm an individual and "group think", no matter how seemingly beneficial, is not for me.:)

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Originally Posted by mikell

what was also apparent and contrary to popular belief there were more FtM participants both pre-op as well as post-op which had me compelled to make a note about that here.....just for the fact that anytime i read something its states the opposite....


...

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I noticed this too....when I was at First Event in Boston there was lots of FTM at the event...most look sooo good you would never know...the height usually gives it away, but they dont stick out like sore thumbs at all, there are more of them out there than we even realize....just not spoken much on here. xoxo

Hell-o Mikell
Congrats on that first meeting, going in guy mode per your wife's
request is completely understandable. Now you know what to expect
should you decide to attend another meeting dressed.
As others have already said, terminology shouldn't matter, people should
realize, and understand, that no matter what you, or they are, you
are a guy who chooses to present himself as a woman.
Your there for support, not an English lesson.
It's good to hear you think you would have felt comfortable being dressed
with the group. I hope you are able to go dressed in the future.
Maybe head out afterwards?
Much Love,
Kristyn

I am glad for you Mikell. It sounds like it was a good and rewarding experience. Terminology aside, support is what it is all about. It appears that you have a real life outlet for support and that is a great thing.

" i was told yes its transgender and transsexual is an outdated term with hints of disrespect, that the term is "transgender' and an umbrella term and is not a verb, no one is "transgendered". "

Who are these people to tell you what terminology is correct and what is incorrect? Were they the word police? Were they just trying to impress you? Let you know who was in charge?

If you really care, look the words up in the dictionary but be aware that not everyone is using the same dictionary.

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Originally Posted by Kate Simmons

.. I left the one I started out with as I realized I'm an individual and "group think", no matter how seemingly beneficial, is not for me.:)

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I can definitely identify with this and have first hand knowledge of group think.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Krisi

...If you really care, look the words up in the dictionary but be aware that not everyone is using the same dictionary.

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This label thing just runs and runs. So many interpretations that I just will not play this game with people. Off putting for newbies fresh to the group though.

Rebecca

That is great you made the first steps.

I have no data to back this up but will give you my 2 cents and is only an observation.
The FTM is larger in transition or have transitioned because it is more accepted by society.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Katey888

Hey Mikell - Congratz for getting out and public! :cheer:

Sounds a little like I've read about others experiences, but I share your confusion about terminology... perhaps it's like parts of England used to be: two valleys and three villages away and they talk a completely different dialect... :facepalm:

Hopefully you were made to feel welcome..? I'd also hope that the fact that you are obviously part-time in your presentation wasn't somehow held against you..? And interesting about FtM numbers - perhaps it's just the fact that males CD more in a part-time sense... Were there any other part-time folk or just you?

(All these questions... it's like I'm Cardinal Biggles... ;))

Katey x

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i appreciate the questions and my only regret was not to stay and mingle afterwards,(fear of the Spanish inquisition and longer ride home as i traveled to a more distant meeting, longer ride home) a missed opportunity to meet mono-y-mono, more intimate talks may have clarified where some were on the spectrum...i could only assume that one other may have been CD, dressed but i didnt bring up the secret handshake....all others were at some point in transition or transitioned, most with parents, one of the moderators was FtM and married to a MtF....

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Hell on Heels

Hell-o Mikell
Congrats on that first meeting, going in guy mode per your wife's
request is completely understandable. Now you know what to expect
should you decide to attend another meeting dressed.
As others have already said, terminology shouldn't matter, people should
realize, and understand, that no matter what you, or they are, you
are a guy who chooses to present himself as a woman.
Your there for support, not an English lesson.
It's good to hear you think you would have felt comfortable being dressed
with the group. I hope you are able to go dressed in the future.
Maybe head out afterwards?
Much Love,
Kristyn

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i may attend one day dressed but think i would enjoy the company of a forum sister and prefer the outing experience that way....well see....as far as the grammar lesson i did put me off slightly, but i did ask the question sooo carefull what you ask for i suppose....

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Isha

Hi Mikell and congrats on getting out there and finding a support group. Yeah the terminology thing gets confusing and as we all navigate through the minefield of what is right and what is wrong, we will eventually all get to the other side . . . just make sure if someone yells "STOP DON'T MOVE" while in the minefield you do just that

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hope to never be in that scenario Isha but will be grateful for the advise to "stop". My reasoning for the question was however for the sisters and brothers here who water and play in the "Transsexual Forum" and the sub forums associated with it, never felt or worried that some would/could find that "term" questionable or degrading.....

Hi Mikell

The main thing is to get along and enjoy yourself. It is always tough the first time you attend.
Try to relax and not worry about who is cd or ts etc. You are there for support and maybe to make friends too.

I met a woman who stays about a mile from me. We now travel together to meetings.

Kudos to you for making the first step.
Finding a group is a very important part of the process to understanding what makes you tick.
I have made some wonderful friends at my group.

Mikell,

Interesting mix. I wonder if the group has separate meetings for different categories. For instance The Cincy group has different support nights for TS and CDs. They also have a general inclusive night and two different social nights (for schedule issues). It's a good idea so you can participate in what your most comfortable with and what really suites your needs.

I haven't been yet, but some girls here have and had positive feedback. I, for one, would be more comfortable starting in a social setting where you can let your hair down.

Interesting observation on FTMs. Maybe they don't identify with the title crossdrressers.com? Maybe, emulating male characteristics, they don't like forums chat rooms or sharing their feelings? Maybe like guys they don't want to hear endless chatter about polka dotted dresses nail shades and the best pantyhose? Who knows. It's a real shame though, because it would be very enlightening to hear their perspective.

Glad the meeting was something that helped and that you enjoyed

three blind men were touching an elephant...Everyone seems to have a different perspective and they may not be totally right or wrong. However we need to have a common language (in my profession we use Latin because it is "dead" and doesn't change anymore) to communicate. I have not heard being called Transsexual was derogatory. Maybe because that is how I describe myself :idontknow: Hints of disrespect? Well yes, I would ideally like to be called a "woman" in every situation but I have never heard it used as a slur. I would much rather have someone use the word "transgendered" over many other things I have been called. At least it shows that they have some inkling of who we are.

In RE: FtMs that here on these boards seems to be more lack of insight, from being cloistered in an insulated environment. No, this forum doesn't have a lot of FtMs but the world does. I know many. When you only go to one place, your perception of the world is that one place. I am sure 100 years ago most the people in Tahiti thought the world looked like Tahiti. It is a big wonderful world out there...go see it

As someone who only recently ventured out, OK I was dressed as the opportunity presented itself, to meet up with others, I fully understand what it is you are conveying in your description of the evening.

All life was represented there, I wasn't the tallest, the shortest, the one who passed most or least successfully or even cared. Each had their own reasons for being there, non of which were wrong or deserving of criticism. We all contributed to the whole in our own way and in that I found great strength and a determination to move on in my own journey.

Mikell, when you say; "so first time sharing myself to a group....still not out dressed...but i think i would have been comfortable there", I think you hit the nail on the head. I was made to feel so very comfortable. I just felt right. I truly hope you get the opportunity to go dressed as it will be so liberating but be warned, the desire to go again will be ever there. There is no antidote!

This forum has a self selective bias towards MTF. That is clear from any study of TG individuals on a large scale where the numbers of FTM and MTF are generally roughly similar.

Personally I'm not a fan of Transexual. We spend so much time trying to explain to the general public that Gender and sexuality are different things and then we plonk the primary linguistic root of sexuality in the term. Hence I prefer Transgender. I think also Transgender is more inclusive as an umbrella term and that helps to decrease the CD vs TS nonsense that sometimes occurs.

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Originally Posted by Shelly Preston

Hi Mikell

The main thing is to get along and enjoy yourself. It is always tough the first time you attend.
Try to relax and not worry about who is cd or ts etc. You are there for support and maybe to make friends too.

I met a woman who stays about a mile from me. We now travel together to meetings.

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hi shelly, there was no concern for who was who, i felt comfortable, something im sure would not have been the case if i hadnt joined in here first....
my plan was to have a first contact, something ive failed to accomplish by meeting up with someone here.....

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Originally Posted by Tracii G

Kudos to you for making the first step.
Finding a group is a very important part of the process to understanding what makes you tick.
I have made some wonderful friends at my group.

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i do hope to make some friends, but finding what makes me tick, i think i accomplished that here already

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Adina

This forum has a self selective bias towards MTF. That is clear from any study of TG individuals on a large scale where the numbers of FTM and MTF are generally roughly similar.

Personally I'm not a fan of Transexual. We spend so much time trying to explain to the general public that Gender and sexuality are different things and then we plonk the primary linguistic root of sexuality in the term. Hence I prefer Transgender. I think also Transgender is more inclusive as an umbrella term and that helps to decrease the CD vs TS nonsense that sometimes occurs.

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having witnessed some of the nonsense here was my reason to bring it up there, not thinking i may ruffle anyone's feathers....but seeking clarity to share who i am to the group....when i entered i sized up folks and as we made our way around the circle i was close to 100% wrong on first impression of where everyone was on the spectrum

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Helen_Highwater

As someone who only recently ventured out, OK I was dressed as the opportunity presented itself, to meet up with others, I fully understand what it is you are conveying in our description of the evening.

All life was represented there, I wasn't the tallest, the shortest, the one who passed most or least successfully or even cared. Each had their own reasons for being there, non of which were wrong or deserving of criticism. We all contributed to the whole in our own way and in that I found great strength and a determination to move on in my own journey.

Mikell, when you say; "so first time sharing myself to a group....still not out dressed...but i think i would have been comfortable there", I think you hit the nail on the head. I was made to feel so very comfortable. I just felt right. I truly hope you get the opportunity to go dressed as it will be so liberating but be warned, the desire to go again will be ever there. There is no antidote!

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hi helen, lately the desire to go out is always their when i dress, it was from my wifes concerns that i didnt this time....as mentioned i realize now that i went in with the bias or point of view of a CD expecting to meet mostly CDs....reality was as you said "all life was represented there" mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, MtF, FtM, pre-op, post-op, myself a MtF CD....

the weird thing was at school, at work, in general public speaking terrifies me,(easy behind the keyboard to share), but i professed my identity so easily and casually like i had done this dozens of times without thinking about it....i hope going dressed will be as easy....

"the weird thing was at school, at work, in general public speaking terrifies me,(easy behind the keyboard to share), but i professed my identity so easily and casually like i had done this dozens of times without thinking about it....i hope going dressed will be as easy.... "

Looking back on my experience having read your reply I realise that as soon as I'd sat down around a table and said hello I forgot that I was dressed, it didn't matter but at the same time it enabled me to empathize with all those there. I was in the club and any barriers that there may have been were torn down. I wish you good fortune and hope your SO can come to realise that it's no big thing unless it's made to be.