Should i tell my wife because..

I have been reading a lot about telling your wife or wife finding about discussions in here. i have been struggling with this thought of whether to tell her or not ever since i joined this forum 2 months back. so finally i thought of asking some advice from all of you based on my observation of my wife.

we have been discussing women at times to get ourselves excited. i really like doing that with her as it excites both of us. she notices women and their figure as i do. she even used to get excited looking at her own boobs (not heard her confess that in long time though)

also, at times at night she touches my chest and acts to squeeze as if it was breast. she also tries to form my cleavage. now it does mean she does this all the time but am just citing some instances. for example.. at times she joking says.. that may she is a lesbian.

you think this should make my disclosure and more importantly acceptance easier? sometimes i wonder that she might actually enjoy having me like that.. specially on bed and we may have better sex life. or is this just a wishful thinking.. and reality might be more like what i have read here?

Love
Ritu

Ask her if she would like you to some role playing in bed, and see if she wants to see you in some panties or something, maybe it could expand from there..how knows, right?? It could be a lotta fun for you both..:battingeyelashes:

I'd approach the subject. She'll find out that you like to crossdress eventually anyway. I've been with girls who were bi before and then ended up dating me exclusively because my crossdressing to them brought in "the best of both worlds".

Ritu, there's really only one way of knowing for sure. Lots of us here have tried various questions, tossed out ideas, 'accidentally' watched certain shows to gauge reaction, and all manner of other ideas to gain insight into the thoughts of our spouses with regards to CDing. It doesn't work very well, and can backfire.

A long time ago I had a girlfriend who had very strong bi tendencies. She'd only briefly tested those waters years before we met, but she repeatedly confessed to me that she'd like to know what it would be like to really be with a woman. A huge dichotomy in our relationship was that I perfectly accepted her bi tendencies, but she absolutely rejected my CDing (shew knew it all). In short, even if your wife is bi it doesn't mean she'd accept a crossdressing husband. The two ideas may have no relation to each other in her brain.

The bridges we create in our brain to connect various pieces of evidence we see to conclude a spouse would be supportive or not accepting are not necessarily the same bridges that exist in your spouse's brain. People look at the same things sometimes entirely differently. Ways of seeing.

There's just no 100% way of knowing without your wife actually knowing and responding. You can not remove doubt. At some point, you have to decide to either tell or not tell. If you decide to tell, you have to accept there is doubt as to her reaction, and move forward anyways.

I always advise CDers to tell their girlfriends before they get engaged to them. Failing that, tell them before getting married. After marriage, it gets a lot more complicated. Me personally, if I didn't have kids from the marriage, I would tell...ESPECIALLY if we're planning on having kids, because it's a hell of a lot worse to tell or be found out AFTER having kids. If you have kids...just not a pretty situation and nobody should be telling you what to do.

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Originally Posted by Karen564

Ask her if she would like you to some role playing in bed, and see if she wants to see you in some panties or something, maybe it could expand from there..how knows, right?? It could be a lotta fun for you both..:battingeyelashes:

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I'd go with that method.

When she starts squeezing your breasts, ask her if she'd like to try it through a bra, or a nighty.

I told my wife after I had completely dressed for her. We played around with shaving my legs and wearing hose when newly married, and this led to fully dressing for her.

First of all it really has to be you who judges whether it is safe to tell your wife or not , but morally it is better to tell the truth (within reason) and it is better for you both to trust one another.
I can not tell you if your wife is Bi or not but what i will say is that it is a fantasy that you will find most have a bout their SOs , it is possible that she might be ( if so lucky you ) but that still does not mean she would like a male dress up as a female over a GG, so tread carefully until you know.
But if you think it might be safe you will find it a lot easier if she knows a bout your CDing.

hun fantasy and reality are two very different ball games ............. I am one of the tell brigade (I was previously in a relationship with a cder and only discovered after 2 1/2 years into the ralationship :sad::Angry3::sad: ........ we seperated last July) I am now engaged to Deborah Jane . :)..... whom I met on here 5 months after my previous relationship ended).

There is also a huge, huge difference between being in a BI relationship and a relationship with a CDER and engaging in sexual activities with the two.

You could pehaps suggest to your wife wearing female items of clothing in the bedroom and see where that takes you both ..... (that took a lot for me to say because I hate deception of any kind:sad:)

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Originally Posted by Ritu

...you think this should make my disclosure and more importantly acceptance easier? sometimes i wonder that she might actually enjoy having me like that.. specially on bed and we may have better sex life. or is this just a wishful thinking.. and reality might be more like what i have read here...

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What are your motives behind wanting to tell her? Is it because you think it will be easy? Or do you believe it is the right thing to do? If you think that this may be the easy way out of a situation you find yourself in because you have been less than forthright about yourself with your wife in the past then maybe you should take a pass and not bother. If you are genuinely interested setting right things and having a relationship with your wife based on truth as opposed to deception, then by all means go for it. Hopefully she will respond in kind. Perhaps you will get to learn some things that you were unaware of before :battingeyelashes:.

One thing I've noticed in life is that people, whether in a joking manner or serious, reveal their true nature by what they say. Sounds obvious, but here are some examples.
How many times have you met a woman who tells you jokingly in the first 10 seconds you meet her " I a bitch". Then, you soon discover that she is a bitch.
My friend's former girlfriend, warned him at the beginning of their relationship that she would make his life miserable. She stuck to her words and her words came true.
If your wife, whether jokingly or seriously, says that she might be a lesbian, then there's an extremely good chance that she has bi tendencies or is a least bi curious.
I agree with the above people that there is a huge difference between a bi relationship and one with a CD. I found that out years ago with my bi girlfriend who thought I was weird because I liked to wear hose. She liked to be with girls but couldn't take my CDing.
Anyway, I think you need to take the middle road. As stated above, next time she says she's bi, then ask her " would it turn you on if we had sex with me dressed in stockings and breast forms?".
Something along those lines. :-)
Believe it or not, I had a dominatrix years ago tell me that she was bi and would enjoy seeing me from behind as a woman.
As a funny side, there's a scene in the movie "40 year old virgin", where Corell is speed dating. He meets a woman named Gina ( pronounced -G-eye-na sounding like the female anatomy). She says that she's come out of a relationship with a woman and wants to be with a guy. She's tells STeve that he looks girly and things could work out between them if she puts a little rouge on him and feminizes him.
Your girlfriend could be Gina!!!

I just wanted to clarify part of my earlier comment. I didn't mean that just because a girl is bi means that she'll be that more into a CD'er. My experience just happened to be that they enjoyed the fact that I dressed. It was just personal experience. Remember every person is a case-by-case basis. I've had girlfriends who said that they accepted me dressing, but you knew they didn't like it at all and weren't really accepting of it. One girl that I dated for a year was roommates with a CDer. The first night I met her, I was femmed up because I was there to support my friend (her roommate). This girl tried to play like she was "cool with it", but you could tell it bothered her. She dated me for a year after that anyway until I dumped her.

I love Karen's advice. A number of crossdressers I've read about have had good luck on acceptance through rollplaying dressing.

Either way you should tell her soon. The sooner, the better usually. But from the sounds of it, your wife is likely to be very open to the whole experience. And you may be one of the lucky ones who can get your wife in on the fun.

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Originally Posted by Ritu

also, at times at night she touches my chest and acts to squeeze as if it was breast. she also tries to form my cleavage. now it does mean she does this all the time but am just citing some instances. for example.. at times she joking says.. that may she is a lesbian.

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TMI probably...
I do this and I'm far from bi or even bi curious. I also notice and appreciate a nice figure on women, but that's all.

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you think this should make my disclosure and more importantly acceptance easier? sometimes i wonder that she might actually enjoy having me like that.. specially on bed and we may have better sex life. or is this just a wishful thinking.. and reality might be more like what i have read here?

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Who knows? All you can do is tell her and see where it goes from there.

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Originally Posted by Ritu

you think this should make my disclosure and more importantly acceptance easier? sometimes i wonder that she might actually enjoy having me like that.. specially on bed and we may have better sex life. or is this just a wishful thinking.. and reality might be more like what i have read here?

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I'd say, based on the little info I'm reading here, you're probably in for some good times with your wife after coming out.

Check that link in my sig - about coming out to my own wife. You may find some interesting similarities. My wife also is attracted to girly things and the feminine figure (mainly her own). I wish I had thought to elaborate on that point in my coming out story.

I'm looking forward to a follow-up on this. :)

hi Ritu,

I am a crossdresser from India and I also have gone out in saree. I completely agree with your opinion that going out in saree gives too much a pleasure.

Give me your yahoo or gtalk id. My yahoo id is iamrevathicd@yahoo.com and my gtalk id is iamshalinicd@gmail.com

Please reply back. I am eager to share my experiences and photos too.

Revathi.

The final decision is yours and yours alone as only you know your wife and her attitudes. That said I offer the following. First, I think there is s good chance that she already suspects as most wife's know more than we think. I came out to my wife by first doing a lot of on line research into cross dressing and printing out all the articles that I felt applied to me. I then complied them into a paper for my wife to read because she is very detail structured and likes to read and absorb the material she reads. I then sat down with her, told her that I like to dress (which she already suspected), answered any and all question with total honesty and gave her time to digest it all.

We had several more talks about my dressing, what it means to her and what her worries and concerns were. We then arrived at a solution that would work for us. That I could dress when she was not home and when out of town. That was a few years ago. Over time it has expanded to times I can dress when she is home, but not in her presence. I have shaved legs and arms (she is not overly thrilled about the arms), painted toe nails, nighties to bed and wear panties 7/24. All with modifications when we travel or at family events.

I would love to dress in front of her, but that is not her make up and I doubt that that will ever change. Many on this forum have SO's and wife's that are more and some totally accepting and I hope this is your case. Let us know how it goes.

I don't know if there is a right or wrong way but I do know that you need to be prepared for just about any reaction.

In my case it was a long confession---very emotional for both of us. I had a number of books and information for her as well. These types of discussions went on for weeks as well as visits to therapists.

You need to be prepared that anything can happen.

Ok, now my two cents worth...

My wife has always been intrigued with the idea of being with another woman but would never go through with it. She likes a lot of things about women...dress, legs, ass, breasts, overall body, thought of kissing, etc. But she would never make a lesbian because she has no interest in the female sexual organ...if you know what I mean? :)

Well, as it turned out she is very excited by my dressing. We do have sex regularly with me dressed. It drives her crazy when I run my long finger nails down her back. So, I would say that there is a decent likelyhood that she is kinda like most women. Excited with the idea of being with a woman but not enough to actually do it.

With you she has the best of both worlds. She gets the excitment but doesn't have to deal with actually being a lesbian...because she isn't right? I mean if she is with a man then she isn't a lesbian. At least she will be able to rationalize it that way.

So, I would start off slow and then work your way into it. Next time the opportunity arises ask if she would like to see you in a pair of stockings. Then be ready to act on it.

I told my wife about my dressing about 2 months ago and my love life has been the best ever.

Now a word of warning. I am extremely lucky and I'm the exception not the rule. I have a very close connection with my wife and I KNOW she loves me and KNOW she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. If you don't have that deep connection then it could backfire on you.

If you want to read my story look at my signature. I have a link to my blog on there. It is some interesting reading.

Kisses,

Allie

If crossdressing is a true and important part of your life, than I think you owe it to your wife to be honest, and tell her all about yourself. I know it's not easy, and it took me a long time to finally do it, but I feel so much relief now that I have done so. Initially my wife accepted it, and in fact helped me buy clothes, but she has since retreated, and doesn't want to see me dressed. But she does realize that it's part of me, and knows that I have female attire and wear it when she's not around. I think honesty is an important part of any long term relationship, and at least I have that now. I hope the best for you, whatever you decide.

I took the huge step of telling my SO, after 2 years of being with her.
I made sure that i knew what my personal motivations for telling her were, as well as where i fit into the CD or TG spectrum.
I also made sure i had lots of easily accessible info on hand, that could answer any questions she may have.
Over all the initial disclosure went well.
I had to make sure that i was as prepared as I could be, for any reaction she may or may not have. It took about 3 days of soul searching on her part, as well as information gathering, before she approached me to say "she loved me for me,". (she then presented me with some femme clothes and asked me to dress for her). It has been a slow progression since then, but now she is fully accepting of me and my female self.

To sum up quickly;
-I made sure I was ready to share this part of myself, as well as what my motivations were
-I made sure i knew myself and where I fit into the TG spectrum.
-I made sure I was READY to answer ANY questions from her honestly.
-I made sure to have information available for her to read at her leisure.
-I was patient waiting for her to come to any decisions she felt she needed to make.
-I made sure I was ready for a negative reaction.

I have a lot more to share on this topic, but will refrain for now. (some things are best discussing 1 on 1)

Hope this helps a little.

Sincerely;
LaceyMay