I finally came out at work today

What an intense day I had today. If I had had my druthers, I'd have waited for several more months to make the big reveal. The way I see it, you choose your friends, but not your family, nor not really your co-workers. I have had enormous great fortune this year in coming out to friends, but not so much with family (especially with male members of the family). That is the big reason why I was so hesitant about coming out at work. I really wanted to be as ready as possible, whatever the heck that means.

I have been slammed busy at work these past few weeks (which explains, but not excuses, my absence here for most of June), and I have a big industry conference coming up in mid-July in Seattle. When my industry colleagues saw me at last year's conference, I was 70 lbs. heavier, had a full beard, short hair, and only one earring (left lobe). Now I've lost 11 inches around my waist, am clean shaven (and thanks to laser and electro, largely all of my beard shadow is permanently gone, with only white facial hair stubble remaining), have had 1 haircut since last November (so my hair is rather long, and surprisingly curly now!), and got a new right lobe earring stud for my 53rd birthday in mid-June. HRT is also having its effects on me, but loose fitting shirts (of which I have many due to the weight loss) mostly hides that so far, but there are subtle facial appearance changes that I see. Plus, in the last 2 weeks, I also had 2 women at work come up to me and privately inquire, "So why really did you shave off your beard?" (I gave evasive answers, but clearly people are noticing the changes and suspicions are growing). I suspect friends at the conference will begin asking questions due to the dramatic changes, and I might be inclined to answer a few of them honestly.

That worried me, as the industry grapevine is not that big, and my team at work was not yet informed about my true intent and goals. So out of respect for them all, today ended up becoming my Big Reveal day. And damn, was it emotionally hard on me -- surprisingly so. I had 3 intensely emotional meeting conversations today. The first was with my vendor support team, and at least one of them cried at my story (at which I immediately reciprocated). The second meeting was with my manager and HR reps (there at my calling). I told them my story, and I got through it well enough, but then out of the blue, I emotionally collapsed like a house of cards. I crashed, weeping out loud -- not out of fear or sadness, but in profound relief that my manager took it so well (he even put his hand on my shoulder to help comfort me, which actually made me cry harder for a moment), but I was able to tell them that I just needed a moment to get through this, and I did. Then immediately after all that meeting, the HR team accompanied me down to the VP's office (who funds my salary as a special position as well my critical project budget). I was largely cried out by then, but again, I got nothing but support (to my surprise and profound gratitude). But at the end, I was emotionally toasted, and when I left work, I realized I had shut down my emotions in that 2nd meeting prematurely, and I needed one more release. I got home had had another good 15-minute cry, again out of relief and emotional release. What an intense day this was, but what a way to head into my own personal Declaration of Independence holiday.

So I am now fully out, to my friends, my immediate family, and now at work (at least to senior management; the remaining coworkers will learn about all this next week). But more to the point -- I am free. I am liberated, no longer hiding in the shadows or living a duplicitous life at work, being a stealth woman cross-dressing in men's clothes because it's what people expect. Freedom has its costs, but so does living the lie. I am ready for the freedom now. The lying never really worked -- at least for me. We'll see how the new me is accepted. I won't be dressing full-time just as yet, but my secret is out, I am out, and I can start living my real life little by little more each day. How sweet that sounds to me right now.

I suspect I'll sleep well tonight. I am simply emotionally exhausted. One last thing -- I really missed all of you.

Karen

Congratulations Karen. It's nice to hear that so far, most things seem to be going well for you.

Karen;

So good to hear that all is going well. Yes indeed we've followed a similar path over the past many months with respect to our transition and know exactly how you are feeling. There are so many facets of change it can be somewhat overwhelming in the process but also looking back I shake my head at pictures of me 12 months ago (and yes I'm feeling like a before/after submission is rightfully due now).

Hopefully things will settle down now as this pace of change is not sustainable. You've landed...feet on the ground... With I'm guessing quite a smile and inner peace. I think the weeping along the way is just part of the cleansing process of washing away the demons of the past... Let them out because it feels good. I know I've been curled up in a ball a few times this past month ...but all good.

Congrats and yes don't be a stranger.

Cheers... Jennifer

Congratulations Karen. After coming out at work I felt like a millstone was removed from my back. I don't think I ever experienced the feeling of freedom like I did after that.

Hugs,

Leah

I remember well the day I could finally say 'I'm free'. Nobody to hide from, and no worries who I may run into. Congrats on a big, big, milestone. You may now go and enjoy the rest of your life.

So happy for you and how good it went.
Mega hug

Big :hugs: Karen!! So proud of you! That is terrific. And very brave of you! Yes, it is a giant relief and the sense of a great weight being lifted cannot be overstated. Now it is time to be...well....simply YOU! And isn't that great?? Only a few weeks ago I told my boss, with very much the same reaction of outstanding support and together we have created a timeline for me going full time at work, and hence forever more. So I get it.

I am so glad that you were able to do this and get the wonderful support you hoped for. It speaks to your positive contribution to the company and to your team.

Enjoy the weekend, knowing that aspect is taken care of. Another thing checked off the list :D

Erin

Karen, I am so happy for you! Being able to tell all is a release of the many years that we pent it up. Heavy emotions are very natural and you will probably have moments where you are just sitting thinking about it, and you go through the release again. It is all very healthy.

Want to bet that most everyone that comes up to you at the conference that hasn't heard will say you look younger? Beyond everything else, taking the beard off of your face, eliminating most of the facial shadow, and the softening of HRT will do that.

Well done Karen, I found once I told work it was a massive relief, no more lies and it was liberating.

It's out there now and you just have to ride the wave and see where it takes you, but it feels good to be moving.

I'm glad everything went well for you Karen!

That is a big step. Congratulations :)

Karen
I am so happy for you! I know that took courage and faith. That is my last hurdle as far as coming out. I want to just get it over with but I have promised my wife to protect them as long as I can. I am weighing whether to confide in the president of my company who brought me there with him five years ago. I want to give him time to process this and hopefully cooperate with me as far as the rest of the company. Anyway, I appreciate what you just did. No more hiding!
Suzanne

Congratulations Karen!! I got emotional reading your post, not only I was so happy so for you, and you reminded my own story that was just 3 months ago.

I am so glad that your coworkers took it so well, that will make your new life so much easier! And that feeling of freedom is soooo good, you are never going to want to go back. That is so liberating, and once you express that happiness at work and with your friends, people are going to be very nice with you in return. Enjoy your new life at its fullest, and again, congratulations on this major milestone, welcome to your new life!

Thank you all so much for the kind words of support. To top off the big day yesterday, I got an email from the Director of HR late last night (he was one of the people in the room for the last two meetings). I won't quote his words to me, but to paraphrase, he told me what a privilege it was for him to witness such courage demonstrated in my claim to live an authentic life.

Ironically, I didn't feel courageous at all. I broke down for a minute and openly wept in a meeting at work with the Director of HR, his assistant, and my manager in the room. No one said a word while that happened -- they were probably speechless as it suddenly overtook me in a wave of emotion (what does one say in a moment like that, anyway?). But I was nevertheless honored to get that email from him. He's been unequivocally supportive of me since I came out to him early in March. Reading it almost set off another teary moment. And yes, I sent that email to my home email address. That one is a keeper.

The good news just keeps on trickling in. Of course, as a 53-year-old, I am worried about the career implications of going through this (especially because I cannot stop it, not that I'd want to). Until recently, I figured I was all alone as transgendered in my industry (just as I was told by HR I am the only TG currently going through transition in our company's 3,000+ people working in the HQ building). But I came out to a friend in the industry whom I had not seen in a very long time at a catch-up lunch the day before yesterday (she was the first one in my industry, not connected to where I currently work, to whom I've told my story). She revealed to me that in fact I am NOT the first one in our industry to publicly come out as TG. She knew of one earlier person, and told me that woman was welcomed by our peers when she came out in 2009. I was not familiar with this woman's story, so with a name-drop referral, I reached out to her on LinkedIn, and as of this morning, now we are connected there as new friends (with long emails exchanged already)!

Life is slowly coming together for me. Pieces are falling into place, and I am becoming much more comfortable in my own skin, in my natural female role. Early on here in this forum last winter I posed the open question of what is the essence of being a woman -- what does it mean? I've come a long way since then. I've learned (from the examples of all of you here, BTW), that being a woman is in fact just being yourself when you are a woman. I am growing more and more comfortable in regarding myself as such. I may not be like anyone else, but then again, the big revelation is neither is anyone else. We are all individuals, so comparing ourselves to other natal women, especially when finding our own comparative faults and inadequacies, is just not fair to ourselves. That's the secret, at least for me.

Now I am still in stealth mode at work, and likely will be for a little while yet. My therapist is encouraging me to not be so cautious (I still want to get "further along" with the transition through the effects of HRT before I go full-time at work. 40+ years of post-puberty testosterone does unfortunate things to one's body and face that are not easily or quickly reversed, so I want to wait just a while longer for this next step). But having taken the steps I did yesterday in starting my unfolding process at work fills me with the joy of new freedom, of liberation in that I can finally quit acting like something I am not (and never was). I weirdly feel a genuine mental shift has taken place. A line has been stepped over, a threshold crossed.

I can't wait to see where this goes next. But I am belted in and ready for the ride of my life. Let's go.

Karen

Another great post from you, Karen. I think your therapist is right, you need to "jump in". Why would you wait longer? You have already come out to almost everyone. At that point, there is nothing left to wait for.

I switched full-time 3 days before starting HRT, best decision I made, I could not have waited more. But in that case you need to be ready to spend a lot of time preparing every morning, as there is a lot to conceal (I started with full beard when switching full-time). In your case, your beard is almost gone, so just go for it! The more you wait, the more regret you will have to not have started earlier.

And even if you do not look completely woman yet when dressed, do not worry, people you came out to will understand. They know it is a "transition", not an instant switch. Your feminine behavior and happiness is what will people catch, more than your appearance (people paid attention to my appearance for 2-3 days, after that it become just normal).

Congrats Karen. I remember the day I came clean at work and what a relief it was. Hope you feel a great weight is now lifted from your shoulders.

Karen, I know exactly how you feel about gaining a new kind of independence.

Congrats on that really big step, if things go the way I hope they do for me, I may be taking that same step around this time next year or sometime by the end of next year.

I have gained my own brand of independence in the form of my Wife leaving. I have found that I am in such a better place with the amount of support that is around me that I am bound to progress by leaps and bounds myself.

As a matter of fact, I'm looking at this Monday being a day for the Ladies in my family with the addition of a good friend with getting some grooming, hair, nails, etc. here at the house.