Does CD'ing control you?

After reading a thread here momentarily ago, I was inspired to post this thread about how crossdressing can get out of control. I agree and totally understand what was going on with a previous poster today about wanting to put it all away for a while. It happened to me back in '97. The more I did , the more I wanted, it's like if you have one beer, you want another, or like if you've seen one pair of beautiful titties,,,,,, you want to see the rest of them. But back in '97, I totally quit, I purged, I threw everything in a dumpster. It was my secret. I literally became afraid of what this was doing to me. I was in my second marriage, and I would go to our second home 60 miles away on some weekends, I began to get out of control, spending money we didn't have and lying to cover Tara's purchases. My desires were taking over. Tossing and turning in my sleep, what could I do? Therapy?? How could I cover my reasons with my (then wife) for why I was going to therapy, (which I didn't do). I was strong, I loaded everything in the car and tossed them in a local corner dumpster. I wish I had been on this site way back then or, if it even existed. Some lucky girls on here could have had a field day with so many goodies. I had to do it at that time. For I was the only one that knew what I was doing. I thought it was harmless at first. I didn't know what my private crossdressing would bring on.
It is something like drinking or a drug or a damn good music album. You do a little, dang that feels good, then you want more, then that feels good, give me more and more. But upon disclosing that history to my new wife, she wanted me to and encouraged me to cd. I told her that it was more to it then what she thought it was. I guess she had the steriotypical understanding of what all it would entail. But once again, here it is. I once again live in the fear of cd'ing getting out on my control. I limit it as much as I can, for I don't want to lose my new wife as a result of crossdressing though she encouraged it blindly. I've talked with her so many times explaining all of who I am and of my desires. And of all of this yo-yo syndrome of acceptance and then withdrawing it all without warning and then she pretends to me as though she just found out for the first time. What I'm trying to say from many years of experience is asking some questions. Can a CD satisfy his desires to CD and have a healthy marriage? Can a CD give to his wife the man she married at all times without the other personality taking over his male self and taking from his wife the man that she married? Can I comfortably persue my CD desires without the fear of it taking me to different levels that my supportive wife may draw the line at? And if I stumble into a demension of CD'ing that is beyond her acceptance (based upon her understanding of CD'ing) can I put the brakes on if I go too far?
I have told her that I have had bi-sexual feelings occasionally when dressed and when I sometimes have to satisfy myself. And we have done some role reversal games which we both have found so much joy in, but sometimes I get afraid that even this kind of pleasures may take over. So I purge only by putting Tara's stuff away and take it a day at a time. It's like trying to quit smoking or something.
But we also have so many other marriage killing issues unrelated to CD'ing that today, I am ready to throw in the towel, for this is my third marriage and I can't find contentment. Can any of you sisters relate to me??.................Tara

I can Tara,
I am seperated at this point and wish to remain as that with my soon to be ex wife. But I can relate , I have never experianced my spectrume level , does that make sense? I have always kept my crossdressing supressed and limited, that was , up until 2 years ago. Since then I have had a full run at it.

The first year was intermitten but it started to happen more often, I think mostly because I didn't have a lot of stuff,but as my collection grew, Lucy did too. The dressing doesn't bother me anymore it's the obsession to do it , I started to dress because of the freedom due to seperation , it was always something I wanted to do and something I felt I needed to do. But never in my wildest dreams did I ever expect it to grow as it did. I am not ready for that and I thought it would peak but instead it continues to grow.

I am slowing down or trying to stop for awhile to re think the direction this is taking me, I don't want to live ny life as a woman but yet I have been emulating that most everyday , thats not good. For me I liked the closet every now and then let it out routine and I am afraid I have went past that. If I enjoyed it , and I did I need to rethink how it will change my life because I can not spend the rest of my life locked away in my room keeping Lucy hidden..

I wish you the best of luck Tara and I have Hi Jacked your Thread ( very sorry ) Thanks for your support and I hope I can return the favor .

Here I am - on your side and ready to break down in tears. you have struck a chord that has been itching for quite a while. I decided to try therapy for the second time. I found someone who has experience in these matters and have 2 solid months under my belt with more questions than answers. I am confused and uncertain about what my future holds. I know I am too old to change my life's direction but I also believe that the direction I am going has been put in place since I first started when I was four years old. I am not sure if I can answer the question about having a healthy marriage or be the man she married without Christy interfering. As I begin to accept myself more and more, I think I am losing more and more of the facade that I created to cover Christy's tracks. The football, Marine Corps, GG conquests, fathering children, how many other masculine acts that I have done and now uncertain how many were because it was part of who I was and how much of it was part of covering for Christy. The deeper I repress her, the more she rears up and opens my wallet or pulls me out into places where I can get caught. I am hoping that therapy will help me define the line of what is real and what was created to cover up. I am also hoping that I can come to terms with how much face time she gets and how I can incorporate her into my regular life without giving up anything I have developed in both modes. Lofty dreams for a gurl who doesn't know where her journey will go. I am done crying now...thanks for pulling that out of me.

Very relatable Tara, i'm only 23 and i've been cd'ing for about 10 years now and i've purged, broken up with "live ins" (because of lack of privacy), and have been "addicted" as Lucy was saying in her second year after her break up. It's really hard to, but you will have to make a decision eventually. What do you really "Love" more? Your wife or Tara? If you can't decide (or don't want to) then you have to think from today, how long can i put up with hiding who I partly am. Another year? Another 5? Forever? It's better to answer these questioons now instead of wondering why you didn't in 2015.
Like I said earlier i'm 23 and my gf is only 20. I came out to her (later to find out) prob. the worst way next to her walking in on Tamii. I finally got up the nerves one day put a bunch of old and new pics (xxx rated and normal every day) on a thumb/flash drive made her dinner and just showed her on her laptop after dessert. To make a long story short her first reaction was "Please don't tell me you still do this" and of course my natural reaction was "haha of course not sweety, i just felt it was the right time to show you this chapter in my PAST" so now she basicly thinks i'm bi, wich is a great thing cause we switch and we have a huge toy collection now.....but for some reason as our toy collection grew so has her hatred for Tamii. So in the end i'm sexualy great, and CD'ingly screwed (since i can only dress when she's at work, and i'm not)
With all this said my point is that even if she does find out and we break up, We have a plan (we= me and Tamii) If she never finds out, We have a plan, If one day i decided to go full time, we have a plan. It's always good to plan ahead and be prepaired. I hope what I had to say was helpful Tara, but you shouldn't give up with out at least devising a plan of action of really "In Depth" talking to your wife or start making future plans for a better future yourself.

What ever decision you make, I hope the best of luck to you and sorry for Hi Jacking your already Hijacked thread. xoxoxo Tam!!

"I am the lizard king...I can do anything"
--Jim Morrison

Sometimes you just have to admit "it's an operator problem". lol

Some people are just not good at marriage.
Some people are just good at picking the wrong types of partners.

I am still trying to figure out which of those two contains more truth for me. I know for sure the second one fits...still pondering the first case...

Judging by personal experience on this issue, flipping a coin is probably just as credible a decision making process as the rest of the stratigies. lol

Good Luck

I could go on and on about what and how you feel. Then tell you about how I feel. None of that really matters. What matters is that you have not yet accepted yourself. You can't do that on your own. You will need support and that means a counselor to talk to openly about all your fears. You can do this with your wife or without. Your marrage is effected by both of you. Hidden inside of you is the real you. You have to find it and become that person or you will be unhappy forever. Your marrage may or may not be able to handle who you are inside. It really depends on how much true love there is between you two toward each other. Many other issues come out in counseling but in the end they must be solved one at a time.

Simply put, CDing is a process. Like any process if left on it's own and without control it will eventually get a "mind" of it's own and become all consuming and eventually crash. Here is where wisdom makes all the difference.:)

I also blame a lot of my bad behaviour during my first marriage and into the early years of my second on my suppressing the crossdressing self that exists in me. Drugs, alcohol, affairs, aggression, anger, emotional distancing were all the things that my therapist said were triggered by something I was "blocking" and that she as unable to access. Well, I've accessed it now and I don't think I can put it back without paying a price somewhere.
Does cross-dressing control me? Not yet, but it is certainly giving me some severe headaches. My wife didn't marry a girl-friend, she married a man.

I have been crossdressing for over 60 years, and have never felt that it controlled me! My pocketbook maybe, but not me!! I alone control my life, especially now that my dear wife has passed on!!

Hello Tara!
I have come to accept myself only very recently. I have CD since I was 10. When I get on a tear, I actually think that I should dress all the time and toss out my male self. All of us on this board are transgendered to some degree. Without constant breaking i believe I would spin out of control rather quickly. I love my wife dearly, but my wife hates Charlie. To keep her, I must control Charlie to a great extent. When I leave on business Charlie appears.

I don't think CDing controls me. I do it about once a week. Sometimes I go longer without dressing. I'm probably different than most CDers. I only dress when I am down in the dumps. Dressing seems to lift my spirits somewhat. I enjoy being dressed, but I don't know how far I'll take it. I'm still undecided on make up, and I doubt that I would ever go out. I know I would not pass. I guess you can say that it is a hobby with me.

L

intresting about the bisexual feelings. ONLY when dressed do I consider the possibility of ladyboys...and then the guilt follows!!

I'm a new poster here. But here is how I look at it. I walk and hike and bike because I enjoy it. I cook curries because me and my kids enjoy them. I play guitar.... I CD because I enjoy it. Is it controlling my life? Don't know.... Does it make me look forward to leaving work and going home? YES. Is it unhealthy? No, not like drinking and smoking. (first one yes, second one no). The only risk is getting caught by my kids. But that is the topic of another thread. LOL.

Julie

To some extent, it does control me. I've never been able to move beyond a desire to be dressed and appear like a woman. If I don't dress for a while, it's either because the opportunity has not presented itself, or I have not had the particular desire to dress. But it always comes back, and at times it is quite overwhelming. I guess I'm stuck with it.

Fortunately, neither me or my wife have any desire to start over and chuck our marriage. She's no fan of my little anomaly, but she's not left me over it either.