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What's in for them? It would mean the world to me if I could share my other side with my s/o, but she wont anything to do with Valerie. DA/DT is that white elephant in the room and has created a wall between us. True they're not missing out on anything buy a supper happy husband that would give them the moon if we could.
If the two people truly love each other for who the other is and cross dressing is getting in the way, then yes I believe they are missing out. I can totally understand why a GG would be uncomfortable having a husband/boyfriend that CDs, but if they love each other then it's just a speed bump in the road. Of course that is a scary concept for me because the older I get the more I realize that crossdressing is a part of who I am and It's not some fetish or guilty pleasure, and it scares me to think that it may negatively affect any future relationships I may have. I used to tell myself that if I found a mate I may not have the desire anymore but I'm probably fooling myself (though while I was with my last girlfriend I never had the desire).
I hate the fact that so much of what my SO loves in me is due to my fem side. Its a shame to always hide a piece of me just to keep others happy.
Yes, definitely.
So I know my wife dislikes the crossdressing part, but ...
Steffi has many more friends than my boy self.
Steffi's friends sometimes do regular things, but sometimes go to plays, concerts, etc.
Steffi likes to dance (sober), My boyself needs several drinks to be comfortable dancing.
Steffi loves to shop. My boyself hates to shop.
Steffi is an extrovert. My boyself is an introvert.
What's not to like?
I think that Steffi and the Ms. could have a great time out if the Ms. could just get past the dude in a dress mind block.
Stacy, you are equating "softer" personality traits with wearing a dress. They are totally unrelated. Not being able to recognize that difference will be a constant frustration for you.Quote:
Originally Posted by Stacy Cruz
If one really stretched it, "missing out" might describe the end result of not experiencing a relationship with a crossdresser. It's hard to believe that would be high on anyone's list of things one must do in a lifetime. My spouse accepts it because she loves me and knows it's something I need, and we have established reasonable boundaries that make accepting it feel safe. For both of us. No doubt if I wanted to transition or even out myself to friends and family, then the relationship might not survive.
Let me preface this by saying my wife of 45 years is beyond accepting and supportive. She is downright encouraging. What she gets out of it is a happy and complete spouse with no reason or fear of sharing everything and anything with her. She gets a social life unlike anything we had prior to Holly making her presence known to her (many years ago). She gets confidence that no secrets are being kept from her. She gains the knowledge that she has given me a gift of immeasurable value... the freedom to be me.
Some people don't get it; like my son. I tried to explain it to him by reminding him that when he was growing up he like some forms of music that I didn't care for at all. He got involved in a band. His mother and I took him to practices and attended his concerts. Why? Because we saw that it made him happy and that was all we needed to know. Someday I hope he comes to understand that this (dressing and living as a woman) makes ME happy and that will be good enough for him.
In the end, I think that people in all kinds of situations can purpose to make the best of any circumstance if they want to. Sometimes it requires challenging ourselves and what we believe. More often than not, the reward is great. Overcoming the fear of change is the real issue here. Perhaps the greatest benefit a spouse/SO can receive is that they are capable beyond their own imagination to adapt and change and grow, and discover a deeper sense of self within. We humans can be pretty amazing.
Well. If the S/O didn't know about the femme side, then they aren't missing out in my opinion. Neither is one who is accepting and/or supportive. The main idea i was asking was do you think that a S/O who is unsupportive "DA/DT" interaction limits the relationship. Whether or not there is a division of your drab/femme personality, they always know about it in the back of their head. I'm not knocking mullets, but when i see a pic of someone with a mullet and talk to them, the mullet image is always in my head. I am just saying there is a REASON that the S/O is unsupportive, a psychological one in most cases. Im not saying if you don't like your man in lingerie, you're nuts, just that the issue is a personal one.
To connect on a truly deeply level, you should be willing to endure, not necessarily participate in, all parts of your S/O's personality. The main issue with us was i got into her clothes (so ladies, learn from me and respect boundaries). This was never meant to be a vent, or anything but boredom allowing thoughts to run unfiltered through my keyboard.
I'm sure they are they are missing the part of you they love but don't realize your are just wearing clothes. Somedays my wife is accepting somedays not. I have learn not to push an agenda.
I think honesty & communication are good, but I think sometimes it's reasonable for people to make mutual kindness and warmth higher priorities than sharing everything. For instance, my husband really doesn't need to know my every anxious thought, whether about CDing or about my weight or about my career or my friendships, or whatever. I've got a million such thoughts, and sometimes it's best for me to keep them to myself.Quote:
Originally Posted by claire_hollinger
Similarly, I don't need to know every thought or fantasy that runs through my husband's head. Is he imagining himself wearing the outfit I'm in? I don't need to know that.
We don't have DA/DT. His girl clothes hang openly in our shared closet and I wash them along with the family laundry. But if he chooses to dress more when he's traveling or when I'm traveling... that's fine with me. He hasn't dressed in front of me in months (except panties). I'll admit to not being the enthusiastic girlfriend a CDer might want. But we do okay.
I "get" that many women struggle with the fact that their husbands or SO's are crossdressers and maybe even transgender, and try as they might, they just can't get their heads around this.
Is it because of how deep their own heterosexual orientation is entrenched, societal brainwashing as to what constitutes a "real" man, jealousy, insecurity about their own attractiveness to the opposite sex, poor self-image, unhappiness with their own body shapes/sizes, worrying what the neighbors/friends/family might think, or any number of other factors - alone or combined with any of the above? Who knows the real answer?... but in the end, it is what it is.
All I know from my own perspective is that by forcing DADT on us and building this impenetrable wall around herself, my wife is effectively shutting an important part of me out of her life and consequently is getting only half a husband. There is a whole part of me that she will never know because of the choices she has made, and we are both the poorer for it.
This also puts a huge damper on the degree of intimacy between us, forces me to keep secrets just for the sake of maintaining peace within the marriage, shuts down open communications between us, and requires me to keep repressed feelings bottled up inside of me while at the same time having to listen endlessly to her feelings, fears, joys, frustrations, and disappointments etc.
Ironically, this is just the type of openness, honesty, truthfulness, and intimacy that my wife craves, yet she is the one who acts as the gatekeeper preventing this, as well as the possibility that we can ever be true "soulmates" as a result.
Sure, life would be so much easier and uncomplicated if I could just purge my female clothes, stop this "foolishness" and go back to being a "real" man. But as we all know, even with the best of intentions, that's just not going to happen - certainly not in the long run, anyway - and she might as well ask me to cut off my right arm for all the good that's going to do.
How I envy the younger generation which has access to so much more information about crossdressing, transgenderism and the like than we ever had at their age, and who can make far more informed decisions about where their lives can lead them to than we were ever able to.
If only I knew then what I know now...and, I suppose, so does my wife. :sad:
Many here are saying they are nicer, gentler, more open, more confident people when dressed - almost as though there are two people. Honestly, I think you're the ones missing out. You're not living as a whole person and I don't think it's fair on a spouse to only show your best side while wearing a dress. That doesn't even sound healthy (is this some sort of personality split??) and I would think therapy would be a good idea to try and bring these two sides together.
A good point Tinkerbell .
I also think that is a great point tinkerbell! While I dont ever expect my girlfriend to be excited about me dressing up we have talked about that some of the reasons she loves me so much is because I can be so caring sensitive and loving. While I dont lose those characteristics when I'm in my normal clothes she definitely gets they may not be a part of who I am if it weren't for for feminine side.
I agree that for those of us who struggle to show the more feminine side of our personality when in drab it is something that should be worked on. For yourself and for your SO because unless they are attracted to women being in a relationship with someone who is loving caring and sensitive is probably the only thing they truly have to gain
>Bad Influence mode ON<
Personality differences are hard to parse for someone who doesn't see it coming.
"If I didn't see this, what ELSE didn't I see? Who is this person? I feel like I have been being lied to!"
If you are in a committed relationship, there are a number of things that fit in the 'safe to assume' box. Suddenly being/appearing/acting different can throw off *anyone*.
My girl knew about my girly parts when we first met. She went ahead anyway.
If your partner didn't know, you have (inadvertently) assaulted a 'foundation' level thing for them. It makes them question almost everything else... even if those things have not changed.
It means you have to step up a bit and be reassuring. You need to help them understand that while you seem and feel different, it doesn't mean that the person they admired and fell in love with was a lie. You don't mean it to be, but that kind of change is threatening.
You are playing catch up.. they should have understood this earlier (I know there are all kinds of good reasons to have NOT done so.) but what is, is.
My heart goes out to those of you who are faced with this situation, but it is up to YOU to help *THEM* transition.
You know how hard transitioning is, right?
You care about them. You don't want to lose them.. You *love* them. My view is that YOU have the responsibility to make your change non-threatening.
Is it easy? NO! But *YOU* are changing. You need to help them through it.
>Bad Influence mode OFF<
Reassure her that you love her, that you aren't going anywhere. That you are still committed you the two of you.. you just need to figure out HOW.
<3
- MM
Depends on what "missng out" means. In my case, my wife is done with sex...she's 47, I'm 53. She has tod me she's done with sex. Dressing would do nothing for that and not sure if it would be helpful in any other way.
I feel my wife is missing out on a part of me. She is very not accepting. My son and daughter both like my choices in clothes and outfits for them and my wife has a hard time with it, even after admitting I have really good fasion sense. I have offered to help her pick out clothes but always get an insult to my "hobby". Not that it is the only thing but just one.
I do think that I unaccepting SO are missing out on a lot! It seems to me that many of the responses to this question are a reflection of what society thinks is acceptable instead of a real look at what a spouse may be missing by not being involved in something the other spouse loves. I would never want to ignore a part of my SO especially something that makes him so happy.
Beyond that, wives are missing out on the benefits of having a husband who can participate in fashion and makeup in ways a non-CDing husband could never do. I have learned so much about my own fashion, my makeup, my body image, and so much more because my husband is a cder. We do so much together that I would miss out on if I chose a DADT attitude.
Lastly, I love my husband and I do not care if he is dressed as a man or a woman, I love that person, and want to be a part of all of his life. I would really encourage women involved with a cder to let the wall down and embrace the person you obviously loved enough to be involved with. You life will be much richer!!! Mine is!! :)