No participation required

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Cassidy

I'm in the closet by choice simply because if I were to allow others to know they might want to participate. I learned that with motorcycling in that once I allowed someone or someones to ride with me my rides became compromises. Cross-dressing is mine. Call me selfish but that's just the way I approach it.

---

[SIZE="2"]They say that happiness never decreases by being shared, but I beg to differ – they certainly weren’t thinking about crossdressing when the idea of participation was being championed. Before I go much further, I wish to thank Cassidy for inadvertently providing this topic for discussion. Now and then an idea hits me from left field, and I don’t think participation has been “covered” yet...

What am I getting at? Well, like it says in the quoted text, I’m on a journey, a personal journey, and I don’t need anyone along for the ride. I found something, and I don’t wish to share my precious discovery. The one-and-only Leonardo da Vinci once stated that he felt 100% himself when he was ALONE, and when another person entered the picture he felt instantly halved. Needless to say, the more people KNOW you’re a crossdresser, the less YOU you are. It’s a private enterprise, self-taught, self-suffered, and self-understood. Perhaps CD’ing does arise from a selfish mindset, but I see selfishness as an asset – indeed, you are actively seeking an incorporated self, unless you just have a "thing" for panties...

So, why tell anyone what you’re doing? Why not hug your secrets like they are your best friends, and pay lip service to all less faithful intrusions? I do that, but darned if I’ve gotten the urge, now and then, to disclose my secret life. I suppose I have a good opinion of myself, being somewhat unique, different, non-ordinary, and so forth, so I need to express this fact and get some feedback. In my little insular world, the idea of telling someone how special you are, and they, in turn, verifying this fictitious fact, seems plausible. However, it’s much like shoveling dust into the wind – it’ll blow back on you, get your precious clothes dirty, and the others will end up laughing at you...

Better to keep quiet, and enjoy crossdressing in peace, but that’s easy for me to say – I don’t have a SO who, by rights, should be privy to ALL my secrets. I suppose this comes about because onanism only goes so far, and one needs a participant for truly meaningful sexual activity. If there is a submerged “girl” seeking freedom, she will have a tough row to hoe, even though cultivation is the key to happiness. I’m not sure what that means, but I used to spend a lot of time in my father’s garden, dreaming of a time when I could shed my relentlessly drab work clothes! The few times I had girlfriends I could keep them apart and away, while Freddy came out to play in secret – I could hide in plain sight, even under-dressing for the occasion, but I never wanted to share my highly secretive secrets...

I did do just that, of course, mainly by accident, and I learned to regret it. Sharing means to partake or enjoy with others, but is this possible with MtF crossdressing? Do I dress up and invite the neighbors over for a cook-out? It’s not in the cards, my friends, because this secret, namely dressing up as a woman in private to FEEL a certain way, is beyond general understanding. If it was a unipolar world, we could feel free to share such secrets freely, but this is a world of polar opposites, and I am on the other side of most conformist thinking. In short, I’m up against it, in a secretive world of my own choosing. I like it here, and I’ll stay here, thank you – NO compromises...

Let’s say I found a SO, most likely a female, who was fascinated by my crossdressing. Far-fetched, I know, but bear with me. Will she go shopping with me, or let me wear HER clothes, or even go “out” with me to some undisclosed location and be girly together? Once again, you’re halving yourself, or throwing part of your “self” away, being in an unusual situation that can’t possibly last. I mean, what if she suddenly tires of the charade, and seeks a different type of male for more traditional excursions (and beyond)? Where does this leave me? I will feel like I’ve cheated on myself, and drained away much of the magic I felt when I first crossdressed. In essence, I will have purged part of my soul, something I can ill afford to lose...

Participation is “acting together,” but I’ll sit this one out – I’m not into group thinking, group dynamics, or group theater. I have no sense of “community,” unless I can sit here and type my lengthy missives in peace (dressed, of course). No, this is a one-woman show, with no audience, but my “play” has an unlimited run. Being an artist, I’m obliged to exhibit my works to make a living. In this scenario, I must show myself, even though gaining the courage to do so was very painful. In the case of crossdressing, I don’t feel obliged to “get out there” and interact with the conformists, in fact doing so will diminish my strength. If I am either welcomed, derided, or ignored, the effect is the same – I would rather exist in my own little bubble-world of secrecy, even taking it with me on occasion, and maintain the magic that drives me to crossdress...

Do you actively seek others to share your crossdressing with, or are you like me? :thinking:

PS – Don’t get me wrong – I like to participate HERE, but you can’t really “see” me, can you? :battingeyelashes:

PPS – One more thing: “There is a thin line between participation and mockery.” (Scott Adams)[/SIZE]

I am very happy to be a crossdresser, that is be ME!! I did share my crossdressing with my darling late wife for almost 50 years, and was very happy to do so! But she is now gone, and it is just me. Yes, I do have 2 wonderful children who both know that I crossdress, but they don't want me around when I am dressed! In other words, they accept me as is but don't want to see Stephanie! I really don't care about that! I am happy to be just me, Stephanie or the drab me!!

Freddy,

You have expressed my feelings very eloquently as usual. On a couple of occasions, a few years ago, I went out in public fully dressed. The turmoil, and range of emotions made the experiences "not worth it". My beautiful wife kinows and understands me. She supports my dressing at home, and occasionally encourages it when she misses her "sister"- the one she never had. I'm always her man, but she also likes her "sister". I'm a long-distance runner, and completely enjoy the comraderie of my running female and male club members. It is an experience we all understand and share. Their support and friendship enriches my running life. My crossdressing is a very private experience which I can share only with my soul-mate-my wife. God made me this way, and my spiritual life is a very private matter for me. Like you-I like it here in the comfort and safety of my home. Thank you again.

P.S. I do enjoy reading about the exploits of Kimberly and her growing numbers of "flying-enfemme members". I also enjoy seeing the photos of our "out-and-about" sisters. I love this forum-so thanks to all "my sisters" here.

I have mixed feelings about this. For a long time I dressed—mostly underdressed—in secret. I would go into work or stroll around the neighborhood enjoying the fact that I was keeping a secret from others. But after a while the secret-keeping took a toll on me emotionally. There was part of me—an important part—that I kept hidden from others. It seemed unfriendly on my part, and I felt bad about treating my friends that way. These days I still don't talk about crossdressing. I've told no one except my wife, but I send a lot more signals: carry a purse, wear light makeup, hair longer, wear more feminine or at least androgynous clothing. I'm less in hiding than before and I feel I'm being more honest with others.

Usually the words spill out of me but my fingers hover over the keyboard this time...

It is so difficult for me to have a sense of you because of so many opposing currents that course through you, images of opposites held in tension, sometimes snapping and than realigning forming new expressions. When I think of you I imagine myself in a thunderstorm but deaf so I experience the quiet but yet I stand in the midst of the beautiful violence seeing but not hearing the flashes of lightning, the tangy smell of ozone in the air and the rolling thunder shaking the ground at my feet, yes for me you are a quiet storm, a delicate violence.

We are different, you crossdress to deepen what is already there I crossdress because I'm broken and like Humpty Dumpty I'm frantically looking for ways to put myself back together.

We do not share our crossdressing with others but again I think it is for opposite reasons, you because it will lessen the experience of self and me because there is no self to experience except when I'm crossdressed, for me it is about survival and brings me pleasure because it releases me from the pain of being fractured, not as an expression of artistic sensibilities born from a exquisitely beautiful and sensitive soul, we stand on opposite banks of a mad rushing river looking at each other never to be crossed.

I would rather be you because I would than know what it feels like to be a person shaking my fist against a world that does not accept me instead of two halfs fighting against each other inside me leaving me with nothing to fight against the world with.

Our battles are different and your fight brings me freedom because I can hide in the space the jab of your elbows make for me and my kind. It would be nice to walk alongside you dressed in whatever manner we freely wish to choose marveling at the beauty of nature without saying a word. A quiet pleasantness that only a few here are capable in temperament and disposition to offer one like me.

Another nicely done post Freddy!

I do not need participation either, but I'm married so I do have it from my wife. She has helped speed my self discovery along. You see I NEED to be out as a girl sometimes and she will accompany me. So her participation is welcome.:)

But I don't WANT or require to share so my secret is kept away from everybody else. I don't want or need the added stress of wondering if I'll be accepted by others including family.

Nice, thought-provoking piece, Freddy.

In harmony with your sentiments, I often personify my feminine cloths - they become my friend(s).
They embrace me and... change me.
They allow me to become (a lot) more than "just me".

On the other hand, since opening up a little during the last two years and sharing my CDing with quite a few friends, I've noticed how differently people react.
Through this I can see to a certain extent who is concerned about me and (potentially) a really good friend.

:hugs:Gaby:)

We are social beings and without that interaction I believe that we are lessened.

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were: any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bells tolls; it tolls for thee." John Donne

“A burden shared is often a burden halved nonetheless a joy shared is often a joy doubled”

Without others we cannot be ourselves.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Cheryl T

We are social beings and without that interaction I believe that we are lessened.

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were: any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bells tolls; it tolls for thee." John Donne

“A burden shared is often a burden halved nonetheless a joy shared is often a joy doubled”

Without others we cannot be ourselves.

---

Great post here since I seemed to have missed the point. My wife does not half me at all but doubles it.


Freddy is too nice to stay alone for long.:)

Alone ... I can do whatever I want however I want when on my own, but where is my fulfillment? I compromise with no one, but I receive no love. I find pleasure in my own activities, but I receive no unexpected pleasures and no serendipitous joys. I need not indulge the inanities of others, but my own silliness goes unappreciated.

My wife adds so much to my life in so many ways. On top of that, she improves my crossdressing experience through shared shopping expeditions, discussions about styles and makeup, lessons to improve my appearance, and encouragement to dress when I'm down.

Alone ain't all it's cracked up to be. Participation ain't as bad as it sounds.

Miriam

This is an awesome post Freddy. You always have such a way of writing about you and your feelings that leaves the reader not in puzzlement or in doubt of what you feel inside. I applaud you and of the talent that you have,, and that you have displayed so many , many times on here with your almost unmatched eloquent way of writing as I, as well as others that live the life we live, do feel you and understand you and of the subject for which you are writing of. I personally applaud you.
I do feel that some of us that are in a certain category of cross dressing, the category not being above nor below anyone, and that for just some of us, we ask ourselves, we need to let others know? Do we? That question only applies to each individual on a “per basis” or certain individual circumstances. I told my new wife all about it 2 years ago. I felt that as a husband, it was my obligation to disclose all of who and what, I am, and what I do because she was my wife. I kept nothing back. I followed the same advice of myself that I have given on this site to many others many time before.
I have read and have seen so many shows about bi’s or gays should come out of the closet, etc, and have read that if this is how you are inside, that you NEED to come out and tell the world. I disagree with this. It really is none of the whole world’s business of what I do and what I like and all of who and what I am and of my desires by way of cross dressing etc. It would be like me standing at the entrance of the library holding a sign saying I like to wear pink panties, I like roll playing, I like whips and chains, or I love ketchup on my doughnuts, or beer with a mounds bar, etc.
I feel, really that we should search our own situations in life, and of how we value persons around us and as to the depth of the friendship we feel with others around us, and for us to ask what do we gain or how does the disclosure of what we (CD’s) do, will benefit or increase and or improve the friendship of the ones we choose to disclose our secrets to. The choice of that disclosure to share our cross-dressing relies totally upon us and us alone. We need to weigh out all pros and cons’ of that disclosure as to whether it is a benefit and a positive thing that would strengthen that friendship or relationship. All of our situations and circumstances are so different from one to another. These day’s,,I live and make choices in my life by obligations and not by merely what I wish was in place. I mean I really do wish I could tell all of my bothers and sister, and my hope would be that they would be fully understanding and fully accepting, but that is really wishful thinking, for even I, that has lived with this for more than 50 years, still have doubts and questions about who I am, but yet I have had a lifetime to grasp it all, but as the years flow by, I find myself to ask other questions about myself. So how can I ever really disclose to my loved ones, which I know would ask so many questions and they would be so confused and so puzzled by all of the social stigmatisms and so brainwashed by all of the mainstream television mockery of so many of us would be that would nowadays make it so much more difficult to break down the walls of mainstream standards that is so pushed by Hollywood and springer shows, that they would really ever believe that there is so many of us that do not fit in the mockery of so many of us that is so flagrantly displayed of us on tv and national news?? So I ask myself, how could I let loved ones and trusted ones know, that of which I desire to tell, but am so afraid that I would not be totally 100% accepted by my family and loved ones because of all the brainwashing of some of us that is described in the daily news??
Sometimes I think that as a result of our honor and pride that we were raised and grew up in, that some of us feel, that it is best for us to carry this secret part of our lives to the grave, or at least not in the eyes of our closest family and friends.
Yesterday was just another day, I was out eating lunch and a butch woman walked in, I noticed her, but it seemed like no one else in the restaurant did. I thought to myself, and of all the many arguments on here, I thought well look here, here is a woman that can freely go out and about without sneers and public humiliation. It’s an argument that will never be won. In my life time that is expected to be lived, I will never see the day that I can walk freely in modern American society as Tara without jeers and laughter and mockery and public humiliation, but females to men do not have to fear going anywhere in public and fear that they will be laughed out of a mall or restaurant. I see the proof everyday. I could have been holding hands with this person for which I’m speaking of, and it would have been me that the public would have laughed at and practically ran out of the place. We MtoF’s do live such a lonely life at times…
L&R,

Tara

I'm pretty much in your same corner here, Freddy, although I will admit to Scarlet Rose's little point. I venture out now and again, and find myself greatly enjoying my excursions. But the lion's share of my femme time is spent alone, where I can enjoy myself as I please, and delve into my feminine state of being without compromise of any kind. I really have little or no desire to share these moments with anyone else. To each her own, and if one likes to dress with others and share their moments together, then I fully endorse her decision to do so. I choose to remain in blissful solitude for the most part.

However, were the opportunity to attend a conference like Southern Comfort to arise, I'd jump at it.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by KellyJameson

I would rather be you because I would than know what it feels like to be a person shaking my fist against a world that does not accept me instead of two halfs fighting against each other inside me leaving me with nothing to fight against the world with.

---

[SIZE="2"]I assure you I’m NOT “shaking my fist” at the world, in fact I never form my hand into a fist for any reason! I like the world, but I may not come across that way on occasion. I don’t feel I have two halves, either, but when someone else enters the picture I may just lose 50% of what I am – some people welcome this, but I don’t, and I know I’m not alone in this regard. I’m not anti-social, just private...[/SIZE]

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Purple8229

My dear Frédérique, methinks once again you miss the point so many of us have triumphantly discovered along the way. WHEN you find the SO for you, disclose this part of you that has remained in the box, it WILL NOT halve you; far from it; the magic will not decrease but increase; furthurmore, if she or he or whoever you decide to take into your deepest confidence; truly loves you and you them, there is a heightened sense of "Individuality" of, and at the same time being exponentially accepted in two spheres, both by yourself and whomsoever you choose. it's not about being halved, but about being doubled. My dear Frédérique, once you have found your soul-mate...

---

[SIZE="2"]Dear Purple,

Please keep in mind that I’m trying to discuss an issue of crossdressing, and not those “human” interactions that non-crossdressers take for granted. Don’t misunderstand me. As for your spurious notion of a “soul-mate,” I have plenty of experience in this department...

I once had a girlfriend who said she was my soul-mate, and I actually believed her. Well, why not? I loved her, and she loved me, and I finally thought I had found the promised land of love that everyone talks about. Who better to share my secretive world of crossdressing with, if not the light of my life, the yin to my yang, and the one I am closest to? After all, we had known each other for a LONG time before we “did the deed,” so how could my disclosure possibly go wrong? She was my soul-mate, after all, so she would obviously understand my compunction to dress, right? I failed to recognize that my own crossdressing was flourishing in her supposedly feminine shadow, cast by a dark region of her soul, or what have you, and I was ignoring this glaring fact...

Hoping to be enhanced, encouraged, and borne aloft on the wings of love, I told her what I was doing in secret, only to find out just how unwelcome MtF crossdressing is – her reaction was a veritable laundry list of the many deflating moments we MtF crossdressers suffer, causing us to feel less ourselves, vulnerable, and anything but doubled in intensity or promised acceptance. All this from a (purported) soul-mate! I’ve been around a long time, Purple, and I’ve just about done it all, so when I write a piece about wanting NO participants for my private crossdressing, you can bet it’s based on some experience. This CD’ing world is different from a “normal” world, where the concept of a “soul-mate” may hold water and lead to a meaningful, i.e. normal life...

As I said in the OP, MtF crossdressing is “beyond general understanding,” and I think the many posts and threads along these lines bear me out. You’re in a different landscape, with a whole new set of circumstances, and you may only have yourself for company. I certainly tried to reach out over the years, and all I got was confusion, blank stares, and emptiness. Perhaps there is a girl out there who would LOVE to be the soul-mate of a crossdresser like me, but I may need a powerful GPS system to find that tolerant feminine piece of hay in a stack of needles. I’ve learned to be true to myself, and maintain the magic of crossdressing – this negates any and all participation, except to be here, in a second-hand way, dealing with individuals who have varying degrees of experience...

Been there, done that, and, in regards to crossdressing, in my realm of experience, the “soul-mate” is a fictitious being. You’ve found YOURSELF, so what else do you really need? :straightface: [/SIZE]

Reading this last post by you, Freddy, gives me perhaps the saddest moment I've had in reading this forum ... someone who appears to have given up all hope of finding a partner in life. Yet, I'm glad you can find contentment even in circumstances that wouldn't suit me. Best wishes.

Miriam

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by marym

Reading this last post by you, Freddy, gives me perhaps the saddest moment I've had in reading this forum ... someone who appears to have given up all hope of finding a partner in life. Yet, I'm glad you can find contentment even in circumstances that wouldn't suit me.

---

[SIZE="2"]The thread was meant to be a discussion about participation, and NOT about finding a so-called “soul-mate,” but I suppose the ideas are linked by association. I was simply trying to point out that, in my case, I’m a bit suspicious about someone calling herself a soul-mate, based on what happened to me. That was as close as I came, and I’m glad I tried, since she was “the one.” But, I feel that MtF crossdressing pushes the proverbial envelope beyond normal boundaries, and some people do not wish to collaborate with someone engaged in gender experimentation. My ex was artistic, but her experimentation was confined by societal parameters – even though I see myself as fairly staid in my approach to things, I was actually WAY over the top by comparison…

I had another girlfriend who I KNEW would not appreciate my crossdressing, so I never told her. However, the words “soul-mate” never came up during our relationship. Participation was not forthcoming, in fact any disclosure on my part would have ended any further co-mingling forthwith. I know that there are many MtF crossdressers who have found loving, understanding SO’s, and I know that many individuals are way more outgoing than I am. I’m just putting an idea out there for discussion, trying to see if there are others who would rather crossdress in private (and peace), and not need others to “complete” themselves…

By its very nature, I see crossdressing as a lonely venture, but there’s nothing sad about that. It all boils down to being comfortable with yourself, no participation required… :battingeyelashes: [/SIZE]

We're mostly social animals and that characteristic compelled us to engage others of our kind, even when the activity doesn't involve procreation, mutual defense offering. It could be picking lice or play...or experiencing life en femme with other people. I no longer dress for the sensations of the clothes themselves though st one time that may have been the case to some degree. But since the first time dressed with my first wife, this has been at its best a shared experience. Now into my second marriage. More than ever the opportunity to live as a woman and engage in living with others is my primary motivation for dressing.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Frédérique

[SIZE="2"]By its very nature, I see crossdressing as a lonely venture, but there’s nothing sad about that. It all boils down to being comfortable with yourself, no participation required… :battingeyelashes: [/SIZE]

---

Crossdressing can indeed be a very lonely venture, but I do not see it as resulting from the nature of crossdressing, but rather from societal attitudes and our own insecurities. To those who crossdress, the activity makes perfect sense in that it satisfies some of the most basic human drives and motivations. However, to a public that have had the importance of conformity instilled in them, and whose intellect leads them in directions other than cross gender exploration and expression, the activity makes no sense and seems somewhat perverse. Very few human interests and activities require the same stretch of credulity as crossdressing. As such a small minority of the population, this leads to our own insecurity about our motives and needs. I do see this as being somewhat sad. Participation is not a necessity to the enjoyment of crossdressing, but expression is a major part of crossdressing fulfillment. It is a means by which we communicate ideas, emotions and feelings. In order for communication to be complete there must be a listener, or observer. Thus for many, participation of someone is a necessity.

Veronica

Frederique- you are a genius! Wonderfully introspective.
If I might add one thing- as much as i agree with your essay- we also have the capacity to change, at will. And there is no penalty! So even though this is the way you feel now- if by some chance something changes overnight- or next year- you can change to however you see fit.

Since being here- i'm semi-dressing a little more in public- and i'm becoming noticably less worried about being found out.

I know my sibs know i crossdressed to some degree- but they never asked (except for a 3am call from my brother telling me he let some girls in the bar give him a makeover- "and, you know- i don't look that bad!"). They want to ask, i might talk about it- if they ask nicely.

Vaguely broaching the subject- I vaguely comment and let it slide off- very tai ji.

I'd love to join the LGBT group at the university i'm going to now- i'm still a little too defensive (what if someone from a class i'm in sees me?) but i know it should not matter. They are the same as me, sort of. For some stupid reason i have to think i'm not allowed the acceptance that other are. really stupid, i know. But I AM getting better.

Besides, Frederique- your essays are easily the equivalent of a hour session with a therapist each- so in a way- you are interacting. By the way, thanks, I think i can speak for most of us here that your insights and thoughts are helpful, engaging, and foster a sense of camaraderie.

Wish me luck on finals please!