Not sure if I am TS

First of all, I really do hope I'm in the right spot for this, and if not, I do sincerely apologize, but, there has been a lot on my mind and I am requesting some much needed insight. Also, please forgive the length of the post as I suspect it will be a LONG one.

For a good portion of my life, I have been a cross dresser, although fairly secretive about it. The list of people who know about it is steadily growing, and I am making progress in building up the self confidence I need to start going out more frequently.

The problem that I keep finding myself running in to is that I'm not sure whether or not I am trans. There are many times, especially when I start feeling depressed (which I seem very prone to) I start wondering if I wouldn't be happier as a woman. That's not to say that in general, I'm unhappy as a man, but the thoughts of possibly being happier as a woman are becoming more and more frequent.

These thoughts have been happening for quite a while, but only within about the past year have they become persistent enough to become an issue.

I also frequently find myself seeing a beautiful woman and not only admiring her beauty, but also getting jealous and wishing I had a figure like hers, and in many cases, also wishing that I could find her outfit in my size.

I'm general, I also find myself jealous of many of the secondary characteristics associated with females: softer, smoother skin, softer smell, breasts, etc.

There are also many times, especially during my adolescence where many, many of my fantasies would include varying degrees of gender reassignment and crossdressing.

Going out more often, possibly even full time dressed is definitely a goal that I have, even to work (which does have policies in place to protect its LGBT employees) despite the fact that I live in a very conservative area (Texas).

However that idea does concern me as even though it has these policies, I do worry that despite them, such activities may still prevent me from being able to advance at my job.

The situation boils down to the fact that many times (not all the time, but still frequently enough) it feels like I'm hiding behind a mask. This mask is the me that I put on in front of everyone, the me that is expected to conform to the gender norms and expectations of my birth gender, both in my personal and professional lives. Then there is the part of me that is hiding behind the mask, who is getting tired and wearing me out, both emotionally and physically because it is sick of the hiding and maintain the facade, and wants to be free to be itself, but is also scared of the socio-political, personal, and professional ramifications of being free to do its thing.

I have told my wife about many of these feelings, and she genuinely surprised me when she said that she had been expecting the conversation a lot sooner. She has been supportive thus far, and is encouraging me to seek out a gender therapist when the financial situation(s) allow for such a thing.

I agree with her that a therapist is going to have to be the very first step that I take in this journey, but as I said before, I would also like some insight as far as some other opinions, and possibly experiences, as well as knowing whether or not anyone else does or has felt this way.

Again, I hope this is in the correct section of the forum, and if not, I sincerely apologize. There is a bit more I could write about, but I am becoming pressed for time. Any help that you folks would be willing to offer would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for taking the time to read.

Skylance

Your career worries may well be justified, regardless of official company policy.

You have to weigh up future earnings, and job satisfaction, against the emotional consequences of suppressing your emerging female side, and I think your wife deserves to be very much part of that decision. You have her acceptance of your female side, which is astonishing and wonderful, or perhaps she's a closet lesbian, but is she willing to risk compromising your financial security?

The increasing pressures within you mean that some form of professional help sounds very sensible, but it needs to be just the right person- you may have to try a few before you find one with just the right experience for you.

My very best wishes for your (and your wife's) journey.

You are wise to consider the economic impact transition could have on you. Company policies are one thing, the people who make and enforce them are another. Your job might be safe but, as you say, you very well could be overlooked for promotions and raises. Plus, if push comes to shove, there are always ways of getting rid of unwanted employees.

Transition is a long and difficult road, I wouldn't recommend it to anyone unless you feel there are no other options. Once you reach that point no amount or lack of policies will matter, you will need to do what you will need to do.

You will pay a very high price to transition. It is unavoidable.

Gender is fundamental to almost all forms of relating and for most people it corresponds to their biological sex. Gender identity and biological sex are one and the same thing for most people and often their gender identity and sexual identity are also bound up together where each reinforces the other so threats to one are threats to the other.

Those who transition challenge others to redefine their definition of reality and often they do not want to do this and will fiercely defend their beliefs.

To transition is to live against much of what the rest of the world thinks is "normal"

To transition is to risk your life to gain it.

Unless you are in this place and you are absolutely sure you are in this place than all other reasons for transitioning have nothing to do with identity as to "being a woman"

Unless identity is driving transitioning it is a mistake to transition in my opinion. People do it for reasons other than identity all the time but I think at some point this will lead to them suffering deeply.

You have to be careful where your imagination takes you. It can lead you to delusion and confusion just as easily as it can to the clarity of understanding deep and profound truths about yourself.

Be clear what drives your "wants". It may be your female identity or it may not be.

Being male as to "your body and the identity imposed on you because of it" (when you are not), is an extremely uncomfortable experience. You have a conflicted relatonship with and out of your "sexed body" as to gender which creates "disharmony" that results in a discordant relationship with "everything"

This is very different than the difficulties of being a man or woman that to some degree everyone experiences.

In my opinion do not trust what you want until you are very clear as to the reasons for these wants.

Transitioning will only repair problems related to identity and even in this there are no guarantees. You may transition only to find yourself in another but different prison if you are not successful living as a woman.

Quote:

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I start wondering if I wouldn't be happier as a woman. That's not to say that in general, I'm unhappy as a man, but the thoughts of possibly being happier as a woman are becoming more and more frequent.

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The above statement reveals a lot of tendency however it does not rule out you being TS.

A bit of clarification on terms, Trans is associated with (TG) TransGender, a common denominator of a term encompassing nearly all gender identity issues such as Crossdressing, transsexuality, gender fluidity, etc.
Being a CrossDresser you definitely fall under TG umbrella.

Back to the opening quote, Happier? Well, it almost sounds like describing a corporeal characteristic, as though I am happy with this red Ferrari but if I had a Yellow one I would be much Happier.

You see, transition and everything associated with this journey of journeys isnt quite what it may seem.
Yes, the ability to live in body congruent with inner gender is blissful, yet once there, bliss simply morphs into body, a flesh avatar, self, not an object of desire but normal body just the same you occupy now, except one that now is congruent with the inner vision of self.
But what if you do not achieve the level of congruency you are admiring while seeing a beautiful genetic girl walk by, what if your body does not respond to hormones like 16 year old would, what if surgeries do not sculpt a desired proportion, what then.

Would you do it even then????

Therapy is of utmost importance, especially, with a good TG fluent therapist!

The best I can describe the decision I have undertaken, to transition, is to compare it to a fight for life having been diagnosed with incurable form of a disease which you can chose to live with if only living in a bubble of deceit, or else, giving into the truth and risking death, abandonment, shame, outcast.......

I said yes to the truth, would you?

Here are a few things -
One, if you are doing well in your job and "all about the company", you will likely find another god job if your present one got rid of you. I doubt they would though because do you know how hard it is for companies to find and keep GOOD employees? Come lay-off time, companies are looking at the slackers, the insubordinate people, the attendance problem workers, and maybe the ones who are getting paid a little too much for their job. Like middle managers who sit in a office doing little but get paid $50 grand a year..
If you did transition at work, don't flip-flop. You learn that having to look pretty EVERY work day gets exhausting. Hair looking pretty, makeup, what should you wear today... Unlike working as a man when your daily dressing is "Does this shirt still pass the sniff test?" The "pink fog" fades real fast once you go full time. Instead of thinking, "Oh boy, I want to wear a long, flowing beautiful gown!" you start to think, "I want to go home and get this stupid bra off, wipe off my makeup, and kick back in sweats!"

Divorce is likely but doesn't usually happen immediately. Just over time, the wife gets tired of it. Although divorce is common anyways because people get tired of each other. Transition is just one of the reasons. My ex put up with me being TG for about 10 years before saying "hell with it".

You will find also that yes, transition is a pain, but eventually your life just becomes "normal". I cannot honestly say that I think my life would be any different if I were not TS. Maybe things ARE a lot different for a TS but we get so used to this life that we don't notice.

Sacrifices are there but tend to happen gradually. You cannot really know if this is the path you want until you try. No one can predict the future.

You cannot compare yourself with a GG. Even the most convincing, surgery-altered TS are not genetic women. We just do not have the same genetics.

Sky, I have had every thought you stated there exactly and recently expecting it. I still question if I am TS or not and keep trying to find that answer. But I am quite depressed and feel like continuing down the path I am now (hiding and hoping it goes away) is just killing me. But you're not alone in your thoughts, that is for sure. If you ever wanna talk let me know! I'd love to chat as we both seem to be feeling the same. Hope you get it figured out.

Many of the replies here suggest therapy and I support that but find a good therapist who has some good knowledge of gender dysphoria and related issues. Don't settle for a mediocre one.
Second, don't compromise your job and career. You will need the economic stability that comes from that and economic stability helps you build a steady base for the many emotional changes you face.
Lastly, what you describe -feeling like someone hiding behind a mask- fits me too. I am also tired of hiding and I want to be more open about my transvestism. I use the latter term deliberately. When asked if I wanted to transition and be physically changed; which is what happened to two friends of mine, my reply is "No, I just want to live my life as a transvestite, wearing feminine clothing and letting the feminine side of my nature dominate"

Do find a good therapist and don't forget that you have many people here who support you.

I was a secretive crossdresser from ages 8-45... It actually never occurred to me that I was transsexual. However, looking back I can say I was just a good liar and a good compartmentalizer of my gender issue..

Like you seeing women made me jealous and I found myself very SLOWLY over those 35+ years dressing more, going out, going out more...etc....its interesting looking back that it never went the other way..there were no breaks, no stepping back, no purges...just a slow grinding relentless escalation of gender being the only thing that was allowed in my brain...all that time however, I never ever thought of myself as transsexual...I just wished I was a woman (What a strange convoluted way not think of myself as ts!!!)..in fact, I wished I was transsexual right up to the point I realized that I was!!!! then I wished I wasn't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are clearly not at that point...therapy will be very helpful to you and you just have to try to be really honest about what you know about yourself and try to identify non constructive thoughts in your head...that's what therapy can do...make you notice the things you say to yourself over and over, make you realize that certain coping behaviors are making you feel the way you do..etc...
Also therapy can help you think through the laundry list of problems you will cause for yourself and help you identify obstacles

One thing you said strikes me..

"when I start feeling depressed (which I seem very prone to) I start wondering if I wouldn't be happier as a woman. That's not to say that in general, I'm unhappy as a man, but the thoughts of possibly being happier as a woman are becoming more and more frequent.


I don't believe that's a constructive way to look at it. Being a woman will not make you happy or even happier.
IF you are transsexual, living as a woman will allow to experience happiness in a new way... but only a very few transsexuals have easy storybook transitions, and its even less if the ts person has spent a lot of their lives in the wrong gender ...so you will have to accept that you will face a lot of tough issues both emotional and financially, and prepared for major losses and lots of ups and down...those women you are looking at are NOT YOU, even if you do transition...you will just be you!!

If you can have a relatively successful transition, you do feel life differently. Living in your correct gender is a wonderful feeling. It's a transcendent feeling at least for me....and frankly it has to be because that feeling had to transcend the losses I suffered
(And my transition went pretty darn well)

fwiw..I often post this article to people wondering about their inner feelings....this article laid me bare...I literally feel out of my chair..literally...I sobbed and sobbed...I had never experienced the feeling of somebody "knowing me" the way that writer seemed to know me in describing the middle age transsexuals she had treated...That was when I was 45

http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm

Thank you for posting that link to the Vitale article.
Just...wow.

Chalk me up as another one who recognized herself in the avitale.com article. There were so many dead-on things it's spooky.

It is not for any of us to say whether you are transsexual or not Skylance. It is something you have to discover on your own. That self discovery is usually done best with the help of a gender therapist. It comes from looking within yourself and discovering your needs, wants, and desires. Only you will know what it is that you can live with. What makes you complete as a person. The avitale article is a good source of information. It should give you a good indication of where and what to start looking at.

Kaitlyn Michelle, thank you for posting that link. It was a very informative read, and many, MANY of the aspects of the G3 group that was written about, I find in myself, and by the time I was done reading it, I was literally shaking.I think now, I am going to show the article to my wife and see how she wants to proceed from here.

Thank you to everyone who has posted. Your inputs have been both appreciated and helpful.