Coming out. any Stories??

I have been coming out recently and its been slow progress. Its been about 2 years since i came out to my girlfriend. Now about 6 people total know. A lot of them family and 2 of them friends. I am still wanting to come out more!! Just so worried about reactions. It has been such a relief to come out to those who i have. But I'm so nervous to keep going. Any stories or advice??:) I really do want my family to know someday regardless if they accept... i just want them to know the real me. But I'm so scared too!!!!!

Best advice I can give you is that those that matter don't mind, and those that mind don't matter.

It seems like you already have the support of the people you really care to have accept you (even if it's limited since I haven't heard you talk about all of them). The last hurdle you really have to cross is accepting that some people WILL have a problem, but who cares.

One of my ex's, upon breaking up with me started telling everyone we knew in common. Most of them actually supported me, but in the end I wasn't that close to them anyways, and they weren't even in the same state as anyone in my family or circle of friends from when I was younger.. I moved on with my life and there you go.

I don't really have any advice but i can tell you about my recent story.

I have been going thru a fun divorce the past 6 months and about 2 months ago i was done hiding. I started telling my closest friends, then letting the rest of my friends know. I tried to be prepared for people who would be negative or not want anything to do with me after finding out, but what i wasn't ready for was the total support from everyone. I have yet to have a single one have any issues and wives of my friends and some of my friends have asked what I like in clothing, makeup etc. All of my new friends I have been up front and open with and to my surprise they don't mind it when I am myself when they come over. Even had a few dinners here since i enjoy cooking. Here recently i started going to my therapist dressed which was a rush being out in the open but it went well. Here in a week i am going to my first Drag Show and a bunch of my new friends are going with me as support as i go out dressed again. I've been dressing for over 35 years and it is so wonderful to finally be myself and accepted by so many.


Tina :2c: :c9:

It sounds like you have a good support group already. I would think with coming out to more and more people, the easier it is to do but perhaps that's not true. I've only come out to my girlfriend and she was very accepting. I'm not sure who else I'd want to tell. I wonder if some people in my family may not even want to know. I don't think my personality really changes based on how I dress so most often people meet the real me regardless of what gender I am portraying.

Mia coming out at your age will be easier than twenty or thirty years down the road when you have commitments to family, mortgages and work !
It won't tear you apart the same as losing years of hard work building it all up !
The important thing is deciding where you want your CDing to go and build your life around it ! OK you'll have some knocks but you're young enough to take them and treat it as a learning curve.
You say you're scared now, but you have less to lose ! You will be happier in the future if you stop hiding now !!

Hi Mia. I am what you call a late bloomer to CDing in that I dressed (fully en femme) once at 17 and never dressed again until 32 years later. When I came out to my wife and she was accepting and supporting there was such a great rush of relief that I got to be me. I began exploring Isha at a rapid rate (making up for lost time I guess) and I felt obliged to tell people. Not because I felt I had to but because I wanted control of the information. I would rather my family, close friends and work colleagues here it from me than from some secondary or tertiary source. So I picked my time and started with family, close friends and work colleagues. Now most people know.

Telling people can be scary because you never know how they are going to react . . . 99 percent of the time no issues with lots of support. However, you should prepare yourself for the 1% who will not take it well. I have some people at work who will not interact with me anymore and go to great lengths to avoid talking. For the most part I don't care about them as it is their baggage to carry not mine. However, I did have one very close friend (as close to a brother as I will get) who did not accept on any level and cut all ties with me. That was hard to take. We are making progress in moving toward acceptance but it will be a long road and he will never be as close as he was before.

The other thing you have to decide in telling others is "what do you wish to gain from it" and "are you prepared to loose control of that information". Remember for every five people who will keep your secret you run the risk of one person telling others. Once that bell is rung it cannot be silenced. However, if you don't mind others knowing then go forth and share. I prefer to do it personally over coffee or lunch. There is no real covert way to bring up the subject "Say did you see the game last night? BTW I like to dress like a girl." So I normally let them know I want to discuss something personal (set the stage) then begin with asking them what they know about "transgendered people". The conversation steers itself from that point. Once I make the big reveal, I give them time to digest the information then ask if they have any questions. I don't push for questions and if they don't want to talk about it anymore, I move on. Don't get discourage if they don't want to talk or want to leave suddenly as people have their own way of dealing with information which can be quite overwhelming. One of my biggest supporters got up and just left after I told her. She phoned me a few days later and apologized telling me she was just overwhelmed. So give it time in those cases. The other thing to remember is that not everyone will accept it . . . don't let this eat you up or make you feel bad about yourself. You are who you are and if someone cannot accept then that is for them to deal with not you.

Hugs

Isha

Well there was the time I got drunk and came out to my sisters. But that didn't go too well.

But my first real positive outing was with some friends in work. Boyfriend and girlfriend. She was bisexual and I was known to be somewhat effeminate. We danced around the subject quite a bit because he was very straight and to me not someone who would approve of me. But she eventually cornered me and broke down my defences so I told her everything. She was totally unsurprised. The problem now was that she was going to tell her boyfriend which she did. But he was cool about it and in any case he suspected anyway assuming I was gay. His only worry was that I was attracted to him. I told him to get over himself! He was offended when I said I thought he wouldn't approve and pointed out how long we'd been friends. So it was great, at Christmas they even bought me a very sexy piece of lingerie which I modelled on webcam for him once!!! She also gave me some sandals of hers which she didn't wear anymore. There was a surreal moment when I was trying them on in the car park in work. She and I also went shopping together and bought a new wig and shoes, a handbag, purse among other things.

I was nearly in heaven!

I went on tell another good female friend and it was the same. Totally accepting.

The only problem was me. I still couldn't be completely out and as the others moved on to other jobs and shift. I lost touch and went straight back into the closet. A pity really!

The model that applies is how gays and lesbians think about the subject. At best it is a conscious process and every situation is different. You have to think about who you are going to tell, what you are going to tell them, what their reaction is likely to be and potential consequences that may happen, if any. As a function of how we hear things, the same message may be interpreted differently by different people, so thinking about the message is important.

In many cases, our worst fears are unfounded, but that shouldn't stop this from being a conscious process. And, as you can't unring a bell, regardless of how it turns out you can only go forward...

Mia
I think you have to decide what you need. My story is similar to Isha's. I have been on a tear for the last 18 months. I am different in that I have shared that I am a girl to many friends and family.

There have been some difficult situations. However, for the most part people have been wonderful. In my case most of my friends are open and accepting people. If that is the case why wouldn't they be the same way about me being transgendered?

Remember that you are doing this for you. Allow everyone to have their feelings around this. You cannot control their reactions. I think you will find many supporting people in your life!

Hugs
Suzanne

I'll share a recent store of my slow, dragging myself out the closet adventures. I recently told a very close male family member (cousin). I had always presented myself as the uber macho athletic male to him. He in many ways is one of my closest friends and I often call him my brother because in many ways he is in addition to sharing many characteristics of my male side minus the whole gender thing. His response was along the lines of "why did you wait so long to tell me, you could have told me a long time ago and nothing would have ever changed??" He also told me he knew the rest of our large/extended family would accept me and not have any problems or disapproval with me. He also understood how difficult it was for me to put up the illusion of my male life for 30 plus years, and why it was so difficult to even come out the closet to him. Especially considering the amount of headaches it caused during employment/back ground processes. He also told me not worry about him telling anyone else in the family because it was my choice and when to eventually start coming out to everyone. Finally he now understood the real reason I agonize over my weight, and exercise obsessively.

One final comment that had me almost in tears, was upon showing him my pics was. 1. Wow your girl side looks absolutely nothing like you at all. 2. Your actually smiling and look happy and at ease. 3. You are a really buff, trim athletic, and attractive girl.

In summary it was not the end of the world, and it lifted a tremendous burden of living in the closet off me.:2c:

I guess I forgot about the Story part...

Other than people on this forum and 3 other similar ones, the only people that know I crossdress are my wife and 3 other women. Sadly, one of the others passed away 3 years ago. I have not decided to tell anyone else for the time being and it may be some time before that happens.

On the other hand, there are quite a few people who know that I identify as bisexual. This covers all of my LGBT employee affinity group and some others as well, but no family members. The reason I'm not more out at work is that I often visit and work in manufacturing plants. I come in contact with a lot of production and construction workers from small town, Bible Belt areas. For those from other places, it is an area towards the southeast of the US where people tend to hold a lot of Fundamentalist Christian views. It wouldn't be useful, and would likely interfere with my work, if my sexuality became a topic of conversation. Further, if they are intolerant of bisexuality, you know they are not going to be any more tolerant of crossdressers.

You may remember Joan Darrah (sp?). She is a retired navy officer who put a lot of effort towards getting the concept of Don't Ask-Don't Tell removed from military policy. Our affinity group brought her and her partner, Lynn Kennedy I think, in for a speaking engagement. The night before, we had a dinner gathering and I sat next to Lynn. I could tell from how she spoke to me, she made assumptions that I was not part of the Tribe. I corrected that, but it made me consider the fact that I had never made a declaration before our group. For whatever reason, it just had not occurred to me to do that. Not long after, I did make that declaration during one of our meetings.

I have a friend at work who is probably my best friend. We've been friends for 12 years ever since we were both up for the presidency of one of our employee groups. We were our of town attending a seminar when we found out that the election was tied and that there would be a run-off. The rules were that the highest vote getter would be president and the second would be the vice-president. We were having breakfast just after we got the news. I told him that if he was elected, he would have my full support. He reciprocated, we shook hands and we've been friends ever since.

About 10 years ago, not long after I joined the LGBT group, I thought it might be time to state where things sat for me. We were driving back from lunch one day and proceeded to explain what the situation was. The response I got was (and this is close to verbatim):

"Is THAT All?? You had me worried. I thought you were going to tell me you had some sort of incurable illness and you only had a few months to live!! Is THAT all? Man, that ain't nothing...". We laughed and continued back to work...

Mia I came out to almost anyone who knows me along time ago. I was really surprised with all the support I have gotten. Anyone who means anything to me personally knows about Bethany. Some prefer not to see it and I can respect that, but most could really care less. The one person in the world I was worried about was my wife. She was superbly accepting from the beginning. I say if it is something you feel you need to do than do it.

If I may ask a tangential question: is the reason to tell other people than spouses caused by a desire to eventually be yourselves (dressed) in front of these people should they be perfectly OK with it?

Mia,

I've just gone through the coming out process, precipitated by accidentally sending a picture to the wrong recipient. As Isha says, I wanted to be in control of who found out and when, at least for the immediate group of friends and colleagues. Over about a week I had a few 'one on ones' with my closest friends and bringing up the subject was hard. No matter how much I rehursed my lines, it was a different approach of each. Everyone of them was very accepting and these are a very conservative lot.

The girls I work with told their husbands, well one had to by way of explaining why I had given her a pair of expensive high heel boots (that did not fit me grrrrr). Now I still have the odd beer night with these guys and they are curious more that anything else.

With the remainder, we organised a lunch get together where there was a photo show and discussion. Again all have been very accepting, I've not heard a bad word said nor faced any ridicule, and I was ready for some... I had to formally notify my work and even that organisation just shrugged, said ok new get back to work.

I am a little nervous still in that things never go this well without some sort of slap down...

To reinforce what everyone else had said.... Good friends will remain good friends regardless...

I never really came out to any body, my girlfriends dressed me up and were so enamored by my looks they just showed me off to their friends.
I was never asked if I was gay. I was only asked if I liked the clothes I was wearing.
Yes was not really an unusual answer because no one considered me male.

Badwolf put it in a nutshell....
'Best advice I can give you is that those that matter don't mind, and those that mind don't matter.'
It's not people's reactions that hurt it's how you feel about those reactions. It's right and normal to be concerned, nervous even, but agonizing over it is just self harm.