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Hi: Has anyone lost a relationship by coming out?
I have been struggling debating on the coming out issue, and I know there is the risk to loose it all, including love ones.
I wonder if anyone out there in this forum, had a totally negative outcome when coming out to wife, family, friends, at work, etc.
And how you manage to overcome that if you did.
Please share.
Hugs,
Paola.
Paola, Yes, just read a lot of old threads and there are a lot of those sad stories, as well as some successful and happy ones, in the minority in my opinion. Would you be coming out as a crossdresser or transsexual? That makes a big difference, especially when it comes down to who should you really come out to. I call it a need to know issue. Right now I am out to the world as a CD except anyone who knows me in male mode. There is just no need for anyone to know. That may change one day and I will decide how and to whom when it becomes necessary. If I was TS and planned to go full time, then the target audience would be much larger.
In my case, I opted to be honest with my first wife about it before getting married. She expected me to honor the relationship by totally abstaining. I was on board with this commitment. After all, she viewed it as a potential violation because my interest in it was and is, originally and primarily a sexual fetish. (although it has evolved somewhat). Unfortunately, as we all know, permanently quitting is next to impossible. So, eventually the relationship deteriorated to the point of a divorce. Though we blame incompatibility, cross dressing played a major part in the break up, because somehow she always knew whenever I had a "slip up". O well.
Yes Paola, many of us have lost relationships because we came out. It hurts so bad when it happens especially if you were close to the person. Do not expect everyone to accept and support your decision to dress or transition. However, never give up hope that a relationship can be restored later on. As an example, I lost my entire family and most of my friends when I told them that I was going to transition. As of last year, all of them are back and are strong supporters. It may have taken 35 years but it did happen.
Not to get all hippy-philosopher, but if the relationship can be destroyed by you admitting a truth about yourself, then did you really have a relationship? On a more practical note, I imagine that how the revelation is handled has a big effect on the outcome. One of the biggest problems for crossdressers is lack of education on the subject and education is limited by the lack of study by the social sciences. The bad reaction that many wives have to finding out their husband is a crossdresser seems (to me) to fall into two categories: betrayal and fear.
Betrayal is tough to get around -- if you've been doing this behind her back, and worse if the way she finds out is discovery not confession, then the claim of broken trust is valid. It's like you were having an affair, even if it's with yourself.
Fear is mostly because little is known about crossdressers -- neither by the crossdresser himself nor by the academic/scientific community. So you get the questions: Do you want to become a woman (and abandon me?) Are you attracted to men (and will abandon me?) Do you plan to go out like that (and humiliate me?) and so on. And it's very hard for the man to answer because often he doesn't know. Through ignorance many assume at the start of a relationship that they can put crossdressing behind them. Or they think since the urge wasn't strong at the start of the relationship that it will never get too strong to control.
I'm not saying I have the answers, only that without the answers, it's tough to control people's expectations and fears. And that often leads to losing loved ones when you come out.
Paola-
I live in total secrecy,my crossdressing is not known to any member of my family? My life became complicated when I began secretly wearing mothers clothes,in secret.She never knew I would try on her dresses,wear her skirts,smuggle a fresh unopened pkg of pantyhose out of her drawer,wear them&dress in her good
business suits&her heels.After she passed,I snuck most of her good wardrobe off to Goodwill,but I kept 2 of her good skirtsuits,which I wear&feel her next to me,in
spirit.I would be petrified to be caught,by sisters,sister-in-laws,or nieces.I have added to my wardrobe,with short mini skirts&silky blouses&different shades of pantyhose
When I came out to my wife, she had all of the normal questions, are you gay, or do you want to become a woman? Anyway after several years, she accepted me as a CD'er and we decided that the kids wouldn't be told. My wife and I had gone through a Marriage Encounter weekend and wrote letters back and forth nearly everyday. My youngest daughter found some of our old letters and started reading them, this happened a number of years ago. Then she confronted my wife about my CD'ing; which then she proceeded say the most horrible things to me about it. Fast forward to last year, my wife took me down on my birthday to get my ears pierced, and then my daughter went back to her barrage of harassing me of my CD'ing. Luckily she is grown and doesn't live with us anymore, the tough thing is that I love her; which doesn't seem like she has the same feelings toward me sometimes. My recommendation would be to be careful who you tell. But I do believe that your wife should know and be honest with her.
Whether the loved ones are lost or not, the relationship is almost always changed, and almost always for the worst. Great relationships become good, good, becomes fair, and so on. I have yet to read of a relationship going from poor to good because of crossdressing.*
On the other hand, your relationship to yourself must also be considered. There are many on this forum who struggled with their compulsion so such a degree that they were clinically depressed, some to the point of attempting suicide.
Best wishes
MsVal
* Some relationships, like mine with my wife actually improved after the disclosure, but it was not until we sought professional counseling and improved our communication.
Hi Paoli, Just read my signature line #3 before you come out.
MsVal, almost always for the worst seems pretty strong. I don't know if anyone has numbers to say one way or the other. We hear a lot of the bad stories, but that seems to be the case with lots of things. People complain, want commiseration and sympathy, comforting and understanding, when things don't go well. When things do go well the parties involved are less likely to say much about it, especially in forums like this, I think. All the same, you could be right. Who knows?
(maybe contradicting my point above) Coming out was quite likely a factor (bot not the only one) in the loss of one relationship for me (with a former girlfriend). But it has strengthened other relationships (with some of my family members); it has lead to walls coming down and more openness and honesty between us. All in all, I'm glad I came out in all of those cases, even the ones that lead to losses.
For me, the decision to disclose is about trust.
I've spent the last 12 years out of work because the person I live with was unwilling or unable to accept that, among other things, computers and the internet are essential tools for finding professional employment, in my case, engineering. I can't afford to live on my own without any income. That has taken a serious toll on our relationship. I no longer trust this person.
My view is if a lady is unwilling to at least investigate what crossdressing is about and not rely on stereotypes and stigma, the relationship is probably not worth pursuing.
The links below provide insight on how to make the disclosure. If you know what you get out of crossdressing (I do, but not everyone does), then that is part of the disclosure.
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ner&highlight=
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...art&highlight=
This one is about the acceptance pendulum:
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...n-t&highlight=
Good luck.
Thank you all for your opinions. I really appreciate your input.
I know that for everyone is different and have different situations. In my case I have lived for hers thinking that people around would not accept me, or some would ridicule me, but with time I have kind of overcome some of the fears, thinking that all it matters is my happiness.
Someone mention that coming out is about trust, and you are right, I think I need to pick the person that I would trust the most, to at least listen to what I have to say and hoping that will not judge me.
On the other hand, my wife whom i a person that knows me very well, except for a few hidden things, LOL!
She has changed very much in the last years in regards to our relationship.
We used to be very open and rely on each other without thinking, but now I feel that we are very distant, and I am not sure how she would take it.
For me it is harder because this is a person that I had shared many secrets with, and I was under the impression that she would always stand by me, but now I am not so sure.
Anyway, I will have to find out, since in my list she would be the first to know.
Thank you all for your comments.
Hugs,
Paola.
Naw.. don't do it
My marriage was mortally wounded when I came out as trans, although it took four more horrible months before it bled out and died completely, and we separated. (We subsequently divorced.) In all probability, she will never willingly set eyes on me again. She is that upset about it all - it really hasn't changed much after nearly two years.
I do know of marriages that make it. If you are just a CD, your odds are a whole lot better than if you are a transsexual. There's a reasonable chance, as a CD that your relationship will survive relatively intact and recognizable to the both of you. The trans marriages I know of where a partner transitions mostly end up sexless, although some spouses are able to deal with the transition, and maintain sexual intimacy with their partner.
Why do you feel the need to come out? In my case, I had no choice. I had hit a wall - "transition or die."
I did (probably) keep my kids, and my mother and sister are really supportive of me too. My male friends from my old life - all gone.
I don't know if it's fair to say our relationship improved after the reveal, as we didn't really "have" a relationship as such. I had declared an interest, but in the previous 2 years she had gone through 2 fairly disastrous partnerships back to back. Consequently, she wasn't much in favour of something new. We remained as friends and co-workers, but spent a lot of time together. after about 6 weeks or so, it was becoming obvious (at least to me) that this was about to change, and hopefully for the better. At this point I realised I was unlikely to be able to keep it from her, and that trying to wasn't something that sat well with me. So I told her. Let's just say it was a non event.Quote:
Originally Posted by MsVal
BUT. She understood exactly how much trust I placed in her, and how much I felt honesty was important. I feel that was one part of why she took me back to her place 2 weeks later.
Crossdressing is a personal matter. I've never understood the need to share this with anyone. If a relative or close friend came to you and said, "I've been struggling with this for a long time, and I need to tell you I'm heterosexual, and am attracted to women", what would you think. You would probably think, "Why is he telling me this'. What kind of reaction is he looking for?
I hate to share ONLY the negative experiences, because I have had so many positive experiences as well. Here are a few losses I have experienced.
Let me preface by pointing out that I have never been particularly masculine. In fact, I have always been feminine but not effeminate. Many people assumed that I was gay.
When I was six, in first grade, most of my friends were girls. When we went to one girl's house and traded clothes, they made me pretty and I liked it, but her mother freaked out and called the teacher, the principal, the PTA, and the school board - demanding that I not be allowed to play with ANY of the girls. I already had a reputation as a Sissy, but my teacher explained that "Sissy" was slang for sister, much the same as "Buddy" was slang for brother. Since I did consider myself to be like a sister to the other girls, I liked it. But when I was forced to go out to the far end of the playground where the boys were playing, I found out that "Sissy" was a queue for the boys to start throwing rocks at me, hitting me, and kicking me. That had to be the worst.
When my fiance came home after a long day at work, I started messaging her feet and legs, and she was feeling frisky. She started to take off her hose, and I said "Keep them on". She did, cut a small hole in the crotch, and she noticed that I had a higher level of enthusiasm. Then she said "at least you don't want to WEAR them!". I was obviously disappointed and shut down suddenly and said "yeah" almost deadpan. She realized I DID want to wear them. Two days later, she left a note on my car saying she never wanted to see me again. Many years later she renewed our friendship on Facebook, and I can celebrate that she has a great life, but clearly Debbie would not have fit into her plans.
I told my first wife 2 weeks after we moved in together, and she seemed to accept it. It wasn't until 10 years, 2 children, and a divorce later that I found out that she had never been comfortable with it, but she loved that I was so nice, so gentle, so patient, rarely got angry, was clean and sober, and so loving. In effect, she loved all my feminine qualities, but didn't want to see me in women's clothes. When our couple's counselor pointed out to both of us that I was severely transgender, and would probably die if I didn't transition (I almost did, twice), she started having an affair, and he decided he wanted to marry her and didn't want to share.
When I started transition, I came out to my family. My mother wasn't surprised at all, and my sister said "I always thought of you as my big sister in drag" (dressed like a boy). My dad was upset, saying "Why do you have to rub it in my face?". I didn't find out until just before he died that he knew that I was gender ambiguous, possibly inter-sexed, and may have had to make the decision without mom's input or guidance. I didn't know it at the time though.
My brother struggled with it for about 6 months when I announced that I was going to transition, but after reading my Facebook posts, my biography, and some interactions via message and phone, he understood and accepted.
My children found out when they were very young. My son was 10 and my daughter was 7. Their mother told them, hoping to make them hate me, but it backfired. They loved me as their parent first, and didn't really care whether I was their father or their mother. When I announced my transition, my daughter couldn't wait to go shopping with Debbie, and we have been closer than ever. My son has also accepted me, and even said "a lot of things make a lot more sense now".
When my in-laws met Debbie for the first time, they liked her so much more than Rex, that they only gave Christmas presents to Debbie. I was absolutely thrilled. I have found that I love them even more, and they really love me.
Of course, my current wife knew I was transgender, but when we first started dating, I had given up hope of a successful transition. Of course, when I gave up that hope, I gained weight and ended up having a stroke and a heart attack. Also during that same period, she had 8 hernias, and I was there to support her. When I started talking about transition she almost whispered in my ear "I'm not OK with this". I almost went off the deep end, and when she had to pick me up at the psychiatric ward of the local hospital, we had a much more serious talk. I started seeing a gender therapist and after several sessions, we both started seeing her. It only took a few weeks to sort through the stickiest issues, and I could understand and have compassion for all of her concerns, which were mostly "What will my family think?, What will my friends at church think?, what will ?? think?". By the time I game to church as Debbie, it was not that much of a surprise, and they loved me.
Some people are very accepting right away. Others need just a few days to process the new information and recover from the shock, and others really require a bit of communication. The main thing to remember is to have compassion for them. People naturally fear the unknown, they may feel deceived, they may even be grieving for the loss of the person they have assumed you to be. Loving them, even when they aren't exactly loving to you, is very powerful.
Woooow DebbieL: What a story I really admire you. This kind of things really give me inspiration more and more, pushing to keep going and learning more that it may not be as bad as I think.
At what age did you transitioned?
I am 44 and worries me that I am too old to do it.
Paola.