Battling Futility

Warning - downer post - sorry

I really enjoy myself when I am all girlied up. I feel complete. I feel like I am at peace with myself. I feel shame and guilt for what I am wearing but otherwise, I feel like I belong.

I love getting the chance to go out as Christy. I can't wait until I get my opportunities and I long for more and more time to express myself. While I limit myself to going to LGBT friendly places, I truly enjoy getting out in the public while dressed en femme. The more and more I get to express myself, the more and more I feel a need to be myself more often. I find myself wishing I could be Christy more and more often.

Lately, I have been feeling as though I am just kidding myself. As much as I enjoy being me, I know I can't go anywhere mainstream without drama and it makes me feel sad that Christy is stifled.I was with a bunch of friends tonight who do not know Christy and I wanted so badly to be myself but they are not "good" friends that would understand and could potentially cause harm to my job security depending on how they expressed their feelings about Christy. So here I sit feeling a little depressed and thinking that being me in mainstream society is futile. For as little acceptance I may garner the negativity I feel I would receive keeps me bottled up and closed off to the rest of the world.

How do I get out? How do I shed all this self loathing and stop worrying about what the rest of society thinks about me? How do I accept myself not for being a part time girl but for being me full time? Away from the stigmas, away from the over compensation, away from the pressures of being "normal," away from the sense of inadequacies for not being a "real man."

Sorry to go on like this. I seem to be in an unusually dark place right now. I know many of you will try to lift my spirits and for that I am grateful. What I really want is to just like me and be OK with who I am. I am certain that noone but me can give that to me. Maybe I just need to suck it up and stop being a whiny a$$ and move on. Who knows. Tomorrow is a new day. It has to be better than today.

Thanks for letting me vent...

Christy

Perhaps do like I hope I will do - find a local gathering of "ourselves" and get to know others. It'll be a while before there is acceptance of us in the general population- think gay during the 70s maybe? Anyway, we understand and accept (or at least tolerate!) one another. That said, each time I've said I'll do this I've chickened out. You have more courage.... Let us (ok me...) know how it goes. I'm dying for inspiration.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Christy_M

------------------------------------------------------------------------------Sorry to go on like this. I seem to be in an unusually dark place right now. I know many of you will try to lift my spirits and for that I am grateful. What I really want is to just like me and be OK with who I am. I am certain that noone but me can give that to me. Maybe I just need to suck it up and stop being a whiny a$$ and move on. Who knows. Tomorrow is a new day. It has to be better than today.

Thanks for letting me vent...
Christy

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YOU can!:eek:
And, after reading so many of your upbeat positive posts, I believe u WILL!:)
I think u just need more time for a better understanding of who u r and how Christy can fit in both your world and the one outside your door.

Hang in there girl!:thumbsup:

Christy, i can't tell you how many times i have felt the same way. I ponder why i can't be....etc. well, my wife tells me " hun, you are where you need to be for today, and tomorrow may open new doors. as for getting out i hope someday we will be able to grow old as to little old ladies . learning how to get out now..I'm going to attend the Keystone conference, and i hope to do some shopping and walking about in town [ main stream] a bit to see if i feel comfortable as niki for days at a time vs hours at a time. we all have a quest, and we all get side tracked from time to time...Christy, be cautious slow and steady... you will find your way. i hope to find mine

hiya Christy,

something tells me I probably shouldn't post this reply, which of course compels me to post it anyway so...I'm clicking the submit button...:)

If you feel you are unable to realize your ultimate station in life, it does not necessarily make you a “failure” in any way. It simply suggests that your “goal” may not be as “important” as you have led yourself to believe. For some reason you are unwilling to make the compromises and sacrifices necessary to achieve that goal. That does not make you “weak”. It simply suggests that those “obstacles” may actually represent important issues in your life that you are unwilling to give up or compromise. Maybe those “obstacles” are in fact, just as important, or more important than that “ultimate goal” you have chosen to view as an “all-or-nothing” challenge.

Most things in life involve compromise. Adjusting a goal is not a step toward failure. It is constructive step toward happiness. There are always opportunities to improve your position in life relevant to your personal goals that do not require putting on a helmet and running head-first through the roadblocks. Many of the goals I have reached were achieved by finding a creative way to avoid tipping over the apple carts as I passed by. In some cases I have been unable to match some “ultimate goal” I initially imagined in my head. But I have frequently find that where I end up comes pretty d**m close, lol. That is good enough to make me happy...which is all that really matters. :)

Funny how easy things always seem to appear on paper isn’t it...? :heehee:

You are right...tomorrow is another day, and things typically always look better in the morning. Just like our image always looks better to us in a mirror than it does in the reality presented by a picture. How is this relevant? To be honest with you, I haven’t the foggiest idea.:D
I am just pretending to be stable to cheer you up. If I were to admit that I am just as confused as you are, there would not be anybody left to paddle the boat, right?

Isn’t that the purpose of a support forum? One person paddles while the other person freaks out. To be fair, everyone takes turns switching roles. But the rules do not allow several people to freak-out at the same time. No paddling would cause the boat to lose all of its momentum and the combined passenger weight would sink the entire ship. :eek:

And where is the fun in that? So, you just relax and quit beating yourself up while I keep paddling for now, ok? You have lots of time left before it is my turn to freak-out.:battingeyelashes:

Don’t worry...Wal-Mart will think of something to save us,
they always do...:thumbsup:

:hugs:
:love:

I have to say. Lately I have been feeling much the same as the OP. I have been thinking "I have to stop dressing like this and start looking normal, I am nearly 40 years old and look at you". I am letting sociatal norms affect me, and that to me is damaging.
I think it is a result also of our horrible economy. I love my job where I have learned a lot about computers, and as an unexpected bonus have been able to do it wearing my styles, short of makeup and skirts.

But I also know, this job does not pay enough, and soon I am going to have to obtain a job elsewhere. A job that most likely will have some kind of blasted and sexist dress code. I would be able to wear that day in and day out, as long as when I was off work I could wear what I like. But at such a job I would have co workers I would want to befriend. If I meet them outside of work, would I be able to wear my style. To be me, without threatening my job, or the newly forged friendship.

This is such a crummy position to be in. There really is no need. If sexism did not exist on both sides of the spectrum, that position would not exist.

I don't want to have to identify as a transitioning male. That would be lying. But there are times I have been tempted to.

I dislike slacks and jeans, yet there are days I feel compelled to wear them, or forced to do so. That is no way to make me a happy camper.

In the middle of confusion of what you are and what to do, ultimately, you must admit to yourself who you are, the hard part is finding out who you really are unless you go out and explore the world as Christy, that is the hard part that you been putting off for a long time and you must have the courage to accomplish, I'm in the middle of the road and hoping to get there sooner than later.

Love,Ericka.

Hi Christy As I read your posting I had to stop and look to see if it was me wrighting the posting, I truly think that a lot of us go through the same thing. But in the last year I have got to the point that am not going to let it control my life. I am not going to go out and broad cast to the world that i'm a corssdresser, but on the other hand i'm not going to make my life a living hell by hiding it. I'm proud to be a crossdresser and if other people have a problem with it then its there problem. Girl I know how you heel, but it will all work out, just be proud of your self. Hugs to all Rita

Very few of us are totally comfortable and happy with where we are and what we are doing. Being our own worst/strongest critics, we know all the goals we set and fail to meet, and then while we are down we also seem to forget all those we do manage to achieve. Take some time to think of what you have accomplished and I believe you will find a lot to be happy over and proud of. Why not relax just a bit and try to find some breathing room. Someone wise posted this comment the other day.

"Every day gets better so while you may be feeling low right now, know that you can get through this and I really do believe that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. There are a lot of great links in this thread so if they are interested in learning about you, they should read up on this stuff."

Oh, yeah, it was you. Take your own advice and remember you are stronger for this, you just need a little rest so you use that strength properly and with your innate wisdom.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by eluuzion

You are right...tomorrow is another day, and things typically always look better in the morning. Just like our image always looks better to us in a mirror than it does in the reality presented by a picture. How is this relevant? To be honest with you, I haven’t the foggiest idea.:D
I am just pretending to be stable to cheer you up. If I were to admit that I am just as confused as you are, there would not be anybody left to paddle the boat, right?

Isn’t that the purpose of a support forum? One person paddles while the other person freaks out. To be fair, everyone takes turns switching roles. But the rules do not allow several people to freak-out at the same time. No paddling would cause the boat to lose all of its momentum and the combined passenger weight would sink the entire ship. :eek:

And where is the fun in that? So, you just relax and quit beating yourself up while I keep paddling for now, ok? You have lots of time left before it is my turn to freak-out.:battingeyelashes:

Don’t worry...Wal-Mart will think of something to save us,
they always do...:thumbsup:

:hugs:
:love:

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You really have a great way of putting things into perspective...thank you for getting me down off the ledge. I promise I will resume my spot on the paddle soon. It may be my own selfishness that lets me forget I am not the only one. For the many who have travelled before me and the many more who will come after me, I promise I will keep my head up.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Sarah Charles

Very few of us are totally comfortable and happy with where we are and what we are doing. Being our own worst/strongest critics, we know all the goals we set and fail to meet, and then while we are down we also seem to forget all those we do manage to achieve. Take some time to think of what you have accomplished and I believe you will find a lot to be happy over and proud of. Why not relax just a bit and try to find some breathing room. Someone wise posted this comment the other day.

"Every day gets better so while you may be feeling low right now, know that you can get through this and I really do believe that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. There are a lot of great links in this thread so if they are interested in learning about you, they should read up on this stuff."

Oh, yeah, it was you. Take your own advice and remember you are stronger for this, you just need a little rest so you use that strength properly and with your innate wisdom.

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Thank you for your post. I know deep inside I believe this. Isn't there a saying about making statements and not living up to them yourself...Does this make me a hypocrite by not following my own advice. I think breathing room will be a big help. I will see what kind of courage I can muster next week when my wife and kids are all out of town for 5 days straight.

To everyone else, thank you for the support. I try to be so strong most days and when I can't be, it means a lot that you are there to pick me up. Everyone on this forum has been so wonderful to me since I joined and I certainly don't want to be a drain on anyone else's moods or make people feel they are in a battle they cannot win. There are so many things I have done in the last year that I never thought possible. Dwelling on the negative like I did yesterday does not take away from those accomplishments. As today is a new day, I have a new resolve...where is my oar? :)

Hugs to all and thanks, again.

Christy

Even those of us who are in a good place have the days when we don't feel at the top of our game,But remember what you have achieved in your life has made you stronger,and hopefully your resolve will get you back on track,and remember were all grabbing that oar with you

:hugs:Sophie

DocRobby said it very well, Christy!! YOU can change how things are going for you, and only YOU can do that. Mos of us on this Forum have had days like you talked about! But life goes on no matter what, and we all have to go with it. The problems you think you have are all in your own head, and only you can get them out! Take some time to think about all you have done as a CD and whether you want to live more openly or stay closeted!! It is your choice, and reallt only yours!!

The alcoholic's prayer seems to sum it up the best. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference. This not an easy task, but once you can reach the acceptance part, I find that the guilt and shame go away. Don't try to be a round peg fitting into a square hole. From the time that you were born the world has been trying to put you into a box, there box. You may never fit into it, so what.

Shame & guilt about what? Being what you are? Some of us have gone mainstream places, and done so without drama. You've got to stop THINKING about it. Your mind can imagine all sorts of things which when you go out you discover don't happen. There are other things in life that you thought were scary, but when you took a deep breath and said,"I'm doing it & that's that" on the other side of it you wondered why ou wasted so much energy worrying.
If you live in a tiny area where EVERYONE knows everyone's name & their "business" ( which really means they need to GET A LIFE ) then you have to decide if it'd be ok if all those people knew, or just go to an area outside of that where diversity isn't a four-letter-word.

As TGers, there's always a balance that has to be maintained. How much can you be 'yourself' without compromising your situation in other aspects of your life? Would it affect your job if they knew? What about your wife? Your kids knowing? Family? Chance of being 'seen' in public by others that could affect you? How do we satiate our desire to express ourselves completely yet not affect the life we have in a negative way? Learning to balance all of that is hard.

If you crossdress at home, and nobody is aware you're a crossdresser, it's a box. If your spouse knows and approves, it's a bigger box. If you get to go out occasionally to CD support group meetings, it's a bit bigger box. If you go out of town to a place where nobody knows you, it's yet again a bigger box. But, short of living absolutely 100% full time as a woman, every construct of expressing yourself en femme is a box of some sort. It has limits, it has borders, and going beyond those borders can be treacherous.

It's one of the very crappy things about being TG.