I told My SO about my CDing

Hi All,

I've been crossdressing for years; since I was a preteen - like most. I never had a chance to tell my first wife - she passed away before I got the nerve (almost 20 years). My current wife and I are about to celebrate our 3rd anniversary. For many years I've been reading various posts and sites for some "help" in deciding what to say, when to say it, how to say it etc etc. I have to say that this site has been the best source of honest information and emotion. I haven't contributed anything here before, but have read most of what has been posted.

I got a lot of advice, but more over, I gained a lot of courage.

So, two days ago I opened up to my wife. It was hard, much harder than I thought it would be. The fear of her reaction made it almost unbearable. I continued my story with her only because she did not freak out. In fact as I went on I felt as if she was not upset at all.

After 30 minutes of me talking, she looked at me with love in her eyes and said "I knew there was something about you that you hadn't shared."

She didn't know what it was, but did know there was something.

On the "freaked out" scale of 1-10, She said she was at 17!

Sure what followed was the standard slew of questions, Why, When, How? as well as the normal concerned questions of

"does anyone else know?"
"do you want to have sex with another man?"
"do you want to hang out with other cders?"

Frankly, I wasn't sure what to say and basically said "I don't know" The "freak out" scale went up a bit I think.

The following day we discussed it further. She remained supportive and caring. I'm not sure if our relationship will suffer by this, but I have to say that I feel so much better that she knows and I'm not "keeping the secret" anymore. It's a big weight off my shoulders!

No matter how things turn out for us; I have to thank all of you for sharing your experiences here! Without your "help" I would not have been able to find the courage to be open with my wife, and more importantly be true to myself.

Thank You!

hun, give her time to digest what you have told her, but from this point on, be honest, do not say you don't know, if you do.

We have a great GG forum (F.A.B.)here if you wife would like to come and talk to us ......... (Genetic girls only in there )

I'm glad it seemed to go ok but remember

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It's a big weight off my shoulders

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just make sure you haven't piled it all on your SOs shoulders, you have to share this.

As for answering her questions be as honest as you can, it's no good lying becasue it will eventually come out and my guess is that she'll not be best pleased at you lying.

Talk to her, listen to what she has to say about her worries and concerns, try to explain how you feel and please don't go rushing things now that she knows, because believe me it will backfire on you.

One other thing you could suggest she has a look at this forum for support and chat with other SOs.

Well, good on you for being honest. Have to agree with Sheila though, if you do know something be honest about it. One of a GGs greatest fears is the fact that some CDs arent certain about their sexuality. My CD is Bi and when I asked the obvious he too said he wasn't sure if he wanted to experiment, which I have to say freeked me out because he didn't add the bit on the end about he wouldn't even if he felt curious because he was committed to me. Thankfully I didn't panic and set about finding out everything I could do about CDing
Best of luck and hope you both manage to get a firm understanding of how this will best work out in your relationship.
Take care
Bev

That's great Jerri :)

Now just give her time to get used to everything you told her and be prepared for more questions from her.

You've made the first and biggest step, i hope everything goes well for you both :hugs:

I would also suggest getting her to join the GG forum, i'm sure they'll help her answer anything she asks, which in turn will help you both.

Jerri,
As many have said you are not alone and giver her time to digest all of this. Give her the love and admiration she has come to see in you. As time goes forward take her out, prepare a wonderful meal (if you are comfortable in the kitchen), but do something special for her.

The one thing you already know is the weight is off your shoulders but now she may be carrying it now so help her. I wish you all the best and give her a hug from us and tell her we love her also.

Huggs Keli

Thank you all for your feedback and support - I will definitely be honest with her!!

No no no! You're not supposed to open up and share your feelings with your loved ones. What were you thinking?!?

You're supposed to surprise her when she comes home from shopping by being all dolled up in her ill-fitting clothes, (but still with a beard) and strutting up and down the kitchen, (the very first time you ever try on makeup is the perfect oportunity for this, btw).

Right after the bag of groceries hits the floor, you supposed to say (in an loud obnoxious voice) "THIS IS THE REAL ME!!!" Then run away fast.

Sharing feelings, bah! Do it the manly way! :spank:

Congratulations latitude45! :) Hope the freak out scale starts to subside soon! :p
I was so scared to tell my girl, turns out I am a really lucky girl myself! I think for most women the biggest problem is the trust, the hiding of this part of ourselves, that's what my girl was concerned with it. It's great to have a supportive partner, good luck! :D

Now that she knows be sure to go very slowly. Too much to fast is a recipe for disaster. Eventually, she may come around but make sure you go at her speed!

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Originally Posted by Wen4cd

No no no! You're not supposed to open up and share your feelings with your loved ones. What were you thinking?!?

You're supposed to surprise her when she comes home from shopping by being all dolled up in her ill-fitting clothes, (but still with a beard) and strutting up and down the kitchen, (the very first time you ever try on makeup is the perfect oportunity for this, btw).

Right after the bag of groceries hits the floor, you supposed to say (in an loud obnoxious voice) "THIS IS THE REAL ME!!!" Then run away fast.

Sharing feelings, bah! Do it the manly way! :spank:

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How old fashioned!
The modern way is to send an email or a txt message.
Even a video.
Very masculine!

Congrats, Lattitude!

Take it easy though--she sounds like a wonderful person but you need to give her time to digest all of this.

I'm glad it didn't go too badly, although I'm not certain it went all that well by reading your account.

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Originally Posted by latitude45

Frankly, I wasn't sure what to say and basically said "I don't know" The "freak out" scale went up a bit I think.

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I never advise people who are uncertain about too many aspects of being a cd to come out UNTIL they understand things better and have take the time to come up with good answers to all the usual questions and any other potential questions that can be thought of. The last thing you want to do is appear confused or uncertain about who and what you are when sharing this kind of thing. As you discovered, it is likely to "freak out" your spouse, and often result in a misunderstanding in which your spouse may want to try and get you "help", believing that you're mentally confused.

It is not possible to come up with premeditated answers to all questions because one never knows all the questions that will be asked beforehand. Whenever a question is asked that you are not entirely certain how to answer, defer it until after you have had time to put good thought into it rather than say "I don't know" or blurting out something that may not be entirely true in an effort to just say something.

I hope you and your wife will be able to work through things. It seems promising, even though she was freaked out. If the love is there and your wife has an open mind, I think you'll be just fine. :)

Good luck with things and keep us posted.

Well the thing now is to go really slow and let her know you really love her. And don't push anything on her.It's a good thing that she didn't hit you or something. Give her time to process what you have just told her. And good luck Jerri.:hugs:
Angie

Jerri,

It is so great to hear that you had the courage to tell her.

The work has just begun.

Here are some of the things that I learned from my experience. I came out to my wife about 3 months ago.

1. You have to be honest with yourself and your spouse or it will end up bad…one way or the other. Don’t lie anymore.

2. Don’t suppress your feelings. I can’t tell you what a physical and mental toll it was taking on me. By expressing my feelings openly with my friends and wife a huge burden has been lifted off me. I am so much happier now.

3. If you do decide to tell your wife, take it very slow. Let her steer the ship.

4. Give your total attention to your wife. Take the focus of yourself and put it on her. If you please her then she will please you.

5. Don’t take your friends for granted. I have met some of the greatest people in the last few months. I hope they will be lifelong friends.

6. Enjoy every minute you have here on this earth. You never know when it is going to be your time to go…

I think if you take it slow and let her "steer the ship" she'll realize that you are the same person she fell in love with and nothing is going to change. Most wives are afraid of where you are going from here. Are you going to fully transition? Is she going to lose her husband? These are some of the questions my wife had.

My wife said something that I thought was really good. She said, "I fell in love with you for who you are. I love that soft side of you."

She doesn't like rough, tough guys. Now if you are a rough, tough masculine man then she might have a harder time accepting you fem side. If you are like I am, a fairly gentle, sensitive, loving man then she probably will see that the female you isn't that much different than the male you.

I hope this makes sense?

If you need anything or would like to chat let me know.

Kisses,

Allie

To bring you up to date, it's been a few days now since I told her, and she has been asking questions at every opportunity. I've learned - thanks to your feedback - to be open and honest and not say "I don't know" anymore.

Her biggest question came last night in bed - "how long will it be before you want to be with someone like yourself?"

I told her, and now I need to continue to show her, that I am commited to her. I married her knowing who I was - I was just too afraid to tell her at the time.

She is still being supportive - so that's a good thing.

If any of you are thinking of coming out I can only echo the advice that I received: go slow and be patient, very patient.

Thanks All!!!
Jerri

Another one has done the right thing! Yea! Coming out starts at home!

When we hide we lose...

Love, Tracy :love:

Congrats. the feeling must be unbelievable. I guess my only thought is, do you want your relationship to work with your SO, if so then show her that you still love her and want her, make her feel wanted. Then you can slowly bring her into what you enjoy doing and the other part of your life. Anyways! You have a lot of courage. I think we all admire that!

I recently told my daughter (grown and very happily married) and her husband. They were great and are very supportive. One of my sons is next and then my spouse. It has been a liberating and enriching and at nerve-wracking experience, but in the long-run I'm convinced that it is the very best thing to do. And I believe that that will be true for you too.
Congratulations and best wishes.

Well done for telling your wife. I'm sure a part of her will be relieved that the part of you that was missing was the CDing part.

As with the other GGs who've responded, please urge your wife to join us on the FAB forum on this site. She can ask questions and get support.

:love:

On a scale of 10 you said you reached 17, let it fall under 10 and talk about it a little more. Let her ask a few questions, before you put your heels in your mouth.:2c:

When I told my girl I didn't have a lot of answers for her. So we got a book, My Husband Betty. It really helped us talk about issues and figure out what may lay ahead for us.

I guess it had to happen eventually; the last couple days my wife was very upset with me. A lot of pressures all came together, and my recent revelation took the brunt of the angered comments.

I guess she just needed to scream. I let her, and didn't try to defend myself. Once it was all out, all her feelings about keeping this from her for so long, then everything just seemed to settle again

It only lasted a couple of days, and last night we made love.

I asked her how freaked out she was now, low and behold we're below 10, but not by much! 8 is still a far cry from 17 !

One day at a time!

Hun just be prepared for more of these times.

She has got a lot to get her head round and she's going to have her off days, but as you've said "one day at a time"