Trying to accept that I am a transsexual

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Originally Posted by ReineD

I think this is very wise. Transition is a huge step, especially if you've only been out dressed a few times in TG-safe venues.

Also, I'm concerned about your therapists' statements. The red flag for me is that she said that she knew you were TS after only a few sessions. I didn't know that therapists could determine this. I also don't know how any therapist can say this until you've had a lot more real life experiences under your belt (enough to have gotten over the novelty) where you and your therapist would have had the opportunity to explore your actual experiences more fully.

Please understand that I'm not making a judgment on whether you are TS or not. Only you can determine this. But it might be worth your while to seek a second opinion sometime in the future while you get the depression under control and you begin going out into the mainstream (alone or just with Angies ... not with TG support groups) on a regular basis? I'm not sure what your work situation is, you do risk your marriage, so you don't want to leave any stones unturned. In the meantime, it will be important to actually go out there (a lot) to see how it feels to be yourself?

I wish you and Angies all the best as you meander through all of this.

:hugs:

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Reine, I appreciate your concern for Angie and me. Maybe I am wrong but my understanding of the difference between being a crossdresser and being transsexual is having GID. I was under the impression, from reading here and other places, that you were transsexual whether or not you had taken any physical steps (HRT etc.) if you felt that your outsides and insides didn’t match. My counselor has a lot of experience in gender counseling and her comments were based on what I had told her during my sessions. It was very apparent to her that I had GID early on, and this is based on years of experience, working with many clients. But she didn’t say anything to me about it until a year later when I told her that I thought that I was transsexual.

As far as real life experience, this revelation actually happened before I went out so it wasn’t caused by the novelty. Angie was against me going out in public but after I reached this point, it was a compromise that we made in order for me to try to find a place where we could both be happy. I am well aware of what I stand to lose which makes it all the more difficult to understand why these feelings are so strong. I posted in this section because I have read many other posts in the past where others have gone through exactly what I am going through now.

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Originally Posted by Bree-asaurus

Yuppers. But the thing is, we can't do anything about it. So all the fighting and searching for answers is just a waste of time. The sooner we can accept who we are and move on to figure out what we need to do to survive, the better.

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If Angie and I knew for certain that this would be the outcome, we have both said that we would want to move on with our lives and not prolong the inevitable. But we have decided to give it some time because neither of us wants to accept this. I have read many of your posts Bree and I have a lot of respect for your opinion, but I am hoping that you are wrong in this case.

Steph, you are perfectly correct. GID shows at very early ages well before puberty.

But where you are at is very common, particularly for older (by which I mean 35-40+) TS's.

Look in once sense anything is manageable it just comes down to the compromises that you want to make and accepting that there will be pain & loss, but also gain whatever choice you make.

In the end (and only you and your wife can make this decision, perhaps with some professional help) you have to decide whether your relationship (and all the associated family, life, job, etc) is more important.
In which case it is about managing your GID. It will never go away and will always cause you angst. But on the other hand you get the pleasure and joy of you relationship (etc).
Now how to manage it is another thing, but a lot of people do (personally I think there are a lot of of people out there with GID of varying intensities).
Note that there is no cure, just management and it could take some time to achieve a reasonable balance .. and it might also be said you might fail (as I did for example).

On the other hand you chose 'the red pill' and that will fix your GID, but you will suffer pain and loss and regret, some of which may go on for a long time, even all your life. On the other hand you will have the joy and contentment of being yourself.

There are no easy answers to this and it is so personal and involves so many other people and factors that no one but you can choose. You will win and lose whatever the choice you make.

I can see myself in your story. I wish you all the luck.

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Originally Posted by steph1964

If Angie and I knew for certain that this would be the outcome, we have both said that we would want to move on with our lives and not prolong the inevitable. But we have decided to give it some time because neither of us wants to accept this. I have read many of your posts Bree and I have a lot of respect for your opinion, but I am hoping that you are wrong in this case.

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I've been there too lol. I fought.

I hope I'm wrong too. I definitely don't wish this on you. :( But I do hope that you can figure things out soon and accept who you are regardless of what that is. That stage of aggressive denial sucks.

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Originally Posted by Ann Carpenter

I do not wish to do breast augmentation, but will be happy with how they grow out on their own, if much. In the meantime I can use gel inserts or breastforms. If they get too large, I can bind them when I need to be in male mode for my wife in public.

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Please correct me if I'm wrong but I heard that binding can damage breast tissue and distort the shape. FTM's do it as they are less worried about this.

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Originally Posted by Andrea J

Please correct me if I'm wrong but I heard that binding can damage breast tissue and distort the shape. FTM's do it as they are less worried about this.

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You are correct. FTMs want to kill, maim and destroy their boobs anyway, so there isn't any risk to binding for them.

You maybe surprised at the amount of good support you will actual receive Steph... Good luck and happy travels

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Originally Posted by Melody Moore

that also makes it hard for you because to stay together and your partner transitions, it will mean that you will also have to go through your own transition with regards to your sexuality and be in a gay or lesbian relationship. And I know that many women cannot do that because social stigma puts so much strain on these types of relationships. But if you really love each other then I am sure those issues an also be worked through as well.

:hugs: xx

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Melody how could you possibly fully understand what Angie is going through? You are right that she will have to go through her own transition but not to a lesbian. WTF? A heterosexual women can't just look past that and switch her sexual attraction? It definately has nothing to do with social stigma either. It's nice that you are empathetic towards Angie but I don't think you have any idea what a women's plight is regarding this issue. Sorry to say but not one transexual can wear the shoes of a person like Angie or myself. It's a terrible situation plain and simple.

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Originally Posted by kittypw GG

Melody how could you possibly fully understand what Angie is going through? You are right that she will have to go through her own transition but not to a lesbian. WTF? A heterosexual women can't just look past that and switch her sexual attraction? It definately has nothing to do with social stigma either. It's nice that you are empathetic towards Angie but I don't think you have any idea what a women's plight is regarding this issue. Sorry to say but not one transexual can wear the shoes of a person like Angie or myself. It's a terrible situation plain and simple.

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It's no more fun for the husbands who now face tearing our marriages apart. Having to choose between wife/marriage and transition is like being told to decide which of your children to save and which to let die. It is a lose/lose situation for both spouses. I certainly do sympathize with you.

Anna

Steph,

Have you tried living en femme for a few days in a row and then going out and about all over the place to see what it's like for you? I thought long and hard about whether or not I am TS, and yes, I have dressed up in marathon sessions to see if that is a life for me, and I found myself in a sort of a haze, realizing that whatever bits of male I life I enjoy, I still enjoy. If you find yourself not enjoying your male life at all, the choice is clear. I think that answers the TS question. Is continuing to have a male life actually painful? Does THAT cause distress? For most TSs, I think this is true. For some of us part-timers, like myself, who kind of bounce back and forth between genders yet still find satisfaction with our feet in both worlds, the answer is less clear.

Have you read Richard Novic's book Alice in Genderland? I think his life story and blog offer some form of perspective you won't find anywhere else. He lives his life in two genders, two worlds, and is pretty happy. I have modeled my own experience after his, and yes, he freely admits to minor FFS, some hormonal therapy, etc. He has thoroughly explored the trans world sans full time living, SRS, etc. My feeling about transtition is quite simple. Is it the ONLY solution to your GID? Forget about labels. Do you find yourself wanting to live full time en femme? And the answers become clearer when the right questions are asked.

You are not going through anything easy right now.....take your time....

:thinking:

:idontknow:

Thera

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Originally Posted by Thera Home

:thinking:

:idontknow:

Thera

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As expressive as smilies might be, I don't quite understand what you are trying to say. Do you think that you could elaborate a little more, just in case you are saying something that I or others might wish to respond to? :)

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Originally Posted by steph1964

If Angie and I knew for certain that this would be the outcome, we have both said that we would want to move on with our lives and not prolong the inevitable. But we have decided to give it some time because neither of us wants to accept this.

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I am neither TS nor GG but it seems clear that you love your partner dearly. Whilst apparently common, separation is not a given for TG couples. Examples are present both in these forums (Kathryn Martin, Nigella and Sandra) and also in more public view e.g. Helen Boyd and Betty Crow (www.myhusbandbetty.com) and Bridget and Tammy Clinch (www.justlikeyou.com.au). I doubt it will be easy but maybe with time you can still be a partners.

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Originally Posted by steph1964

Reine, I appreciate your concern for Angie and me. Maybe I am wrong but my understanding of the difference between being a crossdresser and being transsexual is having GID. I was under the impression, from reading here and other places, that you were transsexual whether or not you had taken any physical steps (HRT etc.) if you felt that your outsides and insides didn’t match.

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Not exactly.

I am for sure beyond being a crossdresser, and I have GID for sure, but it is not clear that I am transsexual. In order to be transsexual, I (biologically male-ish) would have to identify as being female, which I don't quite do. I identify as being "not male", and on the "female" side of center, but being sure that you are female is not the same as feeling that you are not male.

To use a weak analogy: you might have grown up an Arizona Cardinals (NFL) fan, when a lot of people around you are San Diego Chargers (NFL) fans, and later in life you might find you like a bunch of aspects of the San Diego team, but if it comes to the point where you realize that you are no longer a Cardinals fan, it doesn't mean that you are necessarily committed to the Chargers instead. Getting rid of your Cardinals seasons ticket doesn't mean your only choice is to buy a Chargers seasons ticket: you might be one of the people who favors the Chargers but can get along living in-between clubs.

I am certainly not saying that you are one of the people who lives in-between: your statement about having always wanting to be a woman would seem to make that possibility unlikely. I am just clarifying that there is a difference between having GID and being Transsexual. Indeed if you read this section, you will find a recent post (last few weeks) in which one woman said that she never had GID, that she always knew she was female and had always been comfortable with that, with the surgery merely fixing a biological mistake.

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Originally Posted by LisaMallon

Steph, you are perfectly correct. GID shows at very early ages well before puberty.

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I know that happens often; I am not sure whether it is always the case. I have read postings here from people who say they had no idea until later in life. I know that I did not know until later in life. When I was a child, I knew I was a boy and didn't doubt that: I just wondered why the other boys were acting odd.

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Originally Posted by Snow White

You want to destroy the woman you married because "I have always wanted to be female". WHAT CD doesn't feel this way?
That is why Tara & every CD on here tries their best to emulate a female-because they want to be female.

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There are quite a number of cross-dressers on this system who say clearly that for them it is only about dressing up, or only about the erotic charge, and that they do not want to be female.

I was not conscious of wanting to be a female when I realized I was a cross-dresser (almost exactly 8 years ago.) I have progressed through realization that I have gender dysphoria and that I am not male, and I would rather live my life more female, but it is not at all certain that I am transsexual. A lot of the members of this system are not transsexual.

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Originally Posted by sandra-leigh

Not exactly.

I am for sure beyond being a crossdresser, and I have GID for sure, but it is not clear that I am transsexual. In order to be transsexual, I (biologically male-ish) would have to identify as being female, which I don't quite do. I identify as being "not male", and on the "female" side of center, but being sure that you are female is not the same as feeling that you are not male.

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I would say "identify as female" is a good definition, but for me that's actually kinda vague. And when you say, "being sure that you are female" ... well ... that can be a very difficult thing to come to terms with.

For me, I always wanted to be female. That was something I understood long before I really even knew what the differences were between boys and girls. And actually, if I hadn't discovered the biological side of it, I would've had an easier time dealing with it all.

But things get a little fuzzy for me when it comes to saying "I'm sure that I'm female," because I just don't know what's in anybody else's heart/soul/mind/whatever. I don't know what any man feels like inside. I don't know what any woman feels like inside. So it's hard for me to say, "I know that what I am is the same as what all women are inside."

It's kinda a silly semantic distinction, because obviously all men don't feel alike and all women don't feel alike. The important part for me in coming to terms with my transsexuality has been realizing that it's OK that I don't know exactly what is inside me and how much I am like any other person or group of people. But I want to be completely accepted and respected as a woman, and that's all I can really say for sure.

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Originally Posted by sandra-leigh

To use a weak analogy: you might have grown up an Arizona Cardinals (NFL) fan...

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A questionable premise. I don't know if anybody grew up an Arizona Cardinals fan. Most football fans I met in Phoenix were obnoxious Cowboys fans.

Steph is correct in the assessment that I (the wife) have tried to be accepting, but will absolutely not be married to a woman, or even a cd who presents frequently. We do have a strong marriage. I couldnt imagine ANYTHING coming between us. Even the CDing in the beginning. But things have been progressing. It is a confusing time for us both. We have been together for our whole adult lives. Time will tell :-/

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Originally Posted by Raquel June

I would say "identify as female" is a good definition, but for me that's actually kinda vague. And when you say, "being sure that you are female" ... well ... that can be a very difficult thing to come to terms with.

For me, I always wanted to be female. That was something I understood long before I really even knew what the differences were between boys and girls. And actually, if I hadn't discovered the biological side of it, I would've had an easier time dealing with it all.

But things get a little fuzzy for me when it comes to saying "I'm sure that I'm female," because I just don't know what's in anybody else's heart/soul/mind/whatever. I don't know what any man feels like inside. I don't know what any woman feels like inside. So it's hard for me to say, "I know that what I am is the same as what all women are inside."

It's kinda a silly semantic distinction, because obviously all men don't feel alike and all women don't feel alike. The important part for me in coming to terms with my transsexuality has been realizing that it's OK that I don't know exactly what is inside me and how much I am like any other person or group of people. But I want to be completely accepted and respected as a woman, and that's all I can really say for sure.





A questionable premise. I don't know if anybody grew up an Arizona Cardinals fan. Most football fans I met in Phoenix were obnoxious Cowboys fans.

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I completely get what you are saying! I usually don't identify as a woman, rather I identify as always feeling like I ought to be a woman. Another common response when I am asked if I feel like a woman is to tell them that I feel like me. But as me, I feel like I should express myself in a feminine manner, and I want the damned dysphoria symptoms to stop.

Anna

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Originally Posted by Raquel June

I would say "identify as female" is a good definition, but for me that's actually kinda vague. And when you say, "being sure that you are female" ... well ... that can be a very difficult thing to come to terms with.

For me, I always wanted to be female. That was something I understood long before I really even knew what the differences were between boys and girls. And actually, if I hadn't discovered the biological side of it, I would've had an easier time dealing with it all.

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Well, I think that's all part of the learning process. Most of my life, I just felt wrong and wished I could be somehow closer to femininity. That grew to feeling like I should have been a woman. Finally, I realized that I AM a woman and because of that I feel like a woman.

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Originally Posted by Snow White

CD's like Tara (heterosexual, non-op, not bi) DO want to be female when they dress.

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Yeah, but the "when they dress" part is one hell of a qualification. A non-op M2F transsexual wants to be female no matter what mood she's in or how she's dressed, and hetero or bisexuality is irrelevant.

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Originally Posted by Raquel June

Yeah, but the "when they dress" part is one hell of a qualification. A non-op F2M transsexual wants to be female no matter what mood she's in or how she's dressed, and hetero or bisexuality is irrelevant.

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Damn it... Sometimes I hate posts like that. It's too simple and fitting to ignore.

Anna

Ahh, but someday we'll all be enlightened and we'll see how bigoted it is not to fully respect someone who wants to be male, female, a penguin, or a fresh-baked marble rye depending on the time of day :)

one of the most beautiful and yet hardest of love's unselfishness is to let go the one who you love immensely. For both of you, the thought of separation after so many years is unthinkable, yet this love does not have to vanish because of such.
To love is to let go the hold of ownership over ones soul, to let them go, immaculate and unconditional love that is.

Pain shall be your friend, and truth, your light, and if you do not give in to anger, guilt and regret, you both will be able to walk through gates of hell and emerge pure and whole. Such is the journey.
I thank you both for sharing this, most personal of stories unfolding, and as I see how immense your friendship is, I am hopeful for the joy to return, and serenity to fulfill your hearts.

All my love, Inna

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Originally Posted by Bree-asaurus

Finally, I realized that I AM a woman and because of that I feel like a woman.

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Exactly! You now know yourself to be a woman. You do not need "reasons" to know that about yourself, you just are.

And my difficulty is that although I now know that I am not "male", I do not know that I am "female". I wish I did know that -- or at least it seems to me in my present state that it would be so much easier to live if I Just Knew I was female than to be as I am, stuck in the middle. (In contrast, I emotionally recoil from the possibility that I am still actually male.)

I struggled for a long time on the question of whether I was "just a cross-dresser" or something more, and I came up with "reasons" that I was one or the other. I was absolutely unable to settle the matter through reason, but one day, between two moments, I quietly knew I was not male. Revelation, if you want to call it that. A step of Faith. A Conversion. A Mystic Experience. However it happened, I didn't know and then I did.

I am intellectually prepared for the possibility that some day I will have another such revelation, that I will know that I am a woman. But I don't know that now, and I live with my agnosticism -- and with the possibility that some day that I will have a revelation that convinces me that I am not really female either. Though, to be frank, my heart leans more towards the hope that some day I will know myself to be female.

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Originally Posted by Snow White

The latter, to me, is an oxymoron. CD's like Tara (heterosexual, non-op, not bi) DO want to be female when they dress.

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Indeed, CD's that are like Tara are like that. Some CD's, though, dress to emulate female without wanting to temporarily be female. And there are CD's on the forum that state that they just like the clothes, the textures and colors and appearance and physical sensations of wearing them, and don't want to even emulate being female. A friend of mine who is on this system says it is strictly fun for him, that he does not identify as female at all, even when wearing the clothes,

For myself, cross-dressing (before I knew I was transgender) was a compulsion, and I really couldn't have told you what I was getting out of it. It wasn't (consciously) to "be" female, even for a time. As I wandered closer and closer to realizing I was transgender, it was through the realization that even though I didn't feel as if I was female, that living as female worked better for me in so many ways.

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Originally Posted by Snow White

Steph, Just ONE time you allowed yourself......& it quickly became obvious???

Please, I am NOT jumping on you, I am only trying to understand. OK? I am your friend, NOT your foe.
"I have a great marriage and a great life". But, because you had a one time? reflection & made this life-changing; marriage destroying (I have read your wife's posts) decision?

The majority of married people in this country would not be able to TRUTHFULLY say, " I have a GREAT marriage & a great life".

You want to destroy the woman you married because "I have always wanted to be female". WHAT CD doesn't feel this way?
That is why Tara & every CD on here tries their best to emulate a female-because they want to be female. Tara does not just play dress-up & acts like a woman. She BECOMES Tara (a different personality).

Please don't throw away what you have.
You promised your wife (I am assuming) that you would love, cherish, honor, etc. until death?

What is more important to you- an epiphany you once had (& a crappy therapist-to suggest you transition and destroy your marriage) OR your "great marriage" to your "best friend"?
A crappy therapist did not help my older sister-she killed herself anyway....despite giving this 'therapist' thousands of $$$ for 10 yrs. Some help she was.
Just because a 'therapist' says "you do this" does not mean they are making the best suggestion. Please-I don't want to hear complaints from Therapists.....MOST are awesome!

I hope I have not angered you. I am trying to help you & your wife.

I just know the pain your wife is feeling right now.
And, she LOVES you, too.

P.S.: If I ALLOWED myself to feel through the process of losing all of my beloved family members in such a short timeframe-I would fall into a DEEP depression that I may never overcome. So-I DO NOT allow myself to feel this. I am too young to lose them at this point in my life-that's supposed to happen to most people in their 60's & 70's & so on.

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Once does not only mean one time, it is also a conjunction meaning after..."AFTER I allowed myself to feel through this process..." Do you really think that i would decide that I am TS after thinking about it one time? If you read what i wrote you would see that this took a long time, and that was to accept it. I have been this way since I was 4 but tried to ignor it.

Where did you read that my therapist suggest that I transition? She has never suggested this. And why is she a crappyy therapist? Because she doesn't try to fix me?

I have always loved, cherished and honored my wife and continue to do so. You say that i should not throw away all that I have but I am not trying to throw it away. The issue isnt me wanting to transition, i have not said that i am going to, it is that Angie is having a difficult time with all of this. Tara may become a different person but Angie doesnt want me to become Stephaine, even for a short period of time. So should I go back to dressing in the closet?

Please dont comment on my marriage because you dont know us or anything about our marriage.