a twist on an old topic

[NaomiLynn]

We all have heard the many times when the spouse wants to leave because of her man's crossdressing. What about this: when the crossdresser who fully accepts themselves Is thinking about leaving the wife, because of the wife's non acceptance. I want to crossdress, even just in my house, but my wife does not want me to do it. I haven't, in front of her, but the desire is always present, thus never satisfied. Compromise should be a two way street, not just my wife's rules, only. I really feel lonely in my relationship, and it's been over 20 years. She knew I crossdressed, early on, but still married me. I feel as though I've lost a part of myself. How I wish she were even a little accepting. Well, just needed to let it out.

NaomiLynn

[ReineD]

Naomi, does your wife know how strongly you feel about this? Does she know your marriage risks ending if you cannot express who you are?

[Samantha Kelsey]

Hi Naomi,

I can sympathize with your situation. Many things come into play but marriage should be a happy union. If either partner is not happy then steps should be taken to rectify the problems. Some of those steps could be drastic but could save a marriage. It's possible though that no satisfactory outcome can be reached, what do you do then? You could carry on with either one of you living unhappily. This is not a good or fair outcome.
Have a look at the following info, it might help clarify some of your thoughts.

http://www.renaissancesep.org/Home_Page.html
Half way down the page is Renaisance background papers.

I wish you the both the best outcome.
Sam.

[Jeanette L]

Dear Naomi
I was in a marriage for 27 years and for many of those I dreamt of leaving and being free to dress as and when I wished. I used to have my own business and dressed very regularly after work there but I still had to be so careful about things like makeup and bra strap marks. The few trips away to CD weekends were a lifeline. I have to say that apart from my wife not accepting my dressing, our marriage was loveless and unfulfilling. I felt that she was not in love with me but with the concept of marriage itself. She wished for a home, security and children and that was what I was for. Looking back I suspect that even before we were wed I knew that and I had married her from fear of being ‘left on the shelf’! Why didn’t I leave? The fear of attempting to disentangle years of finance and of course the children.
Eight years ago I started an affair with a work colleague who had become a good friend and new about my dressing. The affair quickly turned into a love that has continued to grow ever since and she is also my very best friend. We are now married and I know what it is to be loved for me. Not for what I represent but because I am who I am, and that, she believes, very much included my cross-dressing.
I am now retired due to ill health and can only wonder what life would have been like if I had still been in my previous relationship. Stuck at home, unable to dress, in a marriage where communication was impossible. In relationships perhaps we only think of the now, how will you fair in the future as circumstances change? I have been so lucky. A wonderful home and wife and freedom to be who I truly am all the time. I think the only complaint she has is that I have more clothes than she does.
As to my children, during all those unhappy years I believed that it would be better for them if they were older if the marriage broke up. In my case that proved to be completely wrong. It is the younger of the children who coped best while the oldest still has problems.
Many apologies for this rather disjointed note but it evoked considerable emotion.
I can only say please do not just think of the now but of your future.
Jeanette

[Jonianne]

Hi Naomi, I went back and read your first intro thread and was very touched by it.

I have been in a lot of ways where you are concerning your wife. My ex became hostile after she joined a Christian ex-crossdresser group. She had been somewhat tolerant as long as I was struggling with it, but as soon as I came to the point of self-acceptance, her fears must have taken over and she joined that group and began making threats and ultimatums. Time and time again I would let her know she did not have to see it or take part in it, all I was asking was that she just be OK with me. She did not have to accept the dressing, just accept me knowing that I dressed in private. That was not sufficient for her and she became more hostile. Eventually we came to an uneasy truce and decided to stay together untill the kids were grown and then get divorced. I had also left a very fundamentalist church we both attended and went to a more liberal one and that also was a real problem for her. We had other issues as well. I wanted to stay together for the kids sake, but that ended up being not healthy for either of us or the kids, so I had to make the decision to be the "bad guy" and separate and start the procedings. I rented a room nearby so I could be close to the kids and in time both of them came to live with me.

Like your situation, my first wife knew that I crossdressed before we were married and she saw me before and during the early part of my marriage. What I did wrong then, was being in the "pink fog" of having someone that was accepting at first, I took it further than she was comfortable with and ended up purging and going in the closet for years. We never talked about boundries and groundrules. I had to learn the hard way. Of course the desire never went away and I continued to struggle with it for years. Finally she insisted I go to a Christian therapist and I did and eventually through therapy came to self-acceptance. That wasn't the result she was expecting, sending me to a Christian therapist, but they were real psychologists (Dr's.) and took a neutral position and encouraged us (in group) to accept ourselves and learn about boundries and about living in relationships. We also went to marriage counseling but she walked out and never came back. She said she would never compromise whatsoever and would scream and yell and threaten me and came close to hitting me. She told the kids and threated to tell everyone. I could not live with that and eventually separated.

Hopefully your story is not quite like mine and doesn't end up the same way. When my ex continued to be severly emotionally abusive, then I knew that was enough.

I'm sorry for the long post, I still have a lot of feelings about it.

When I met my wife now, I told her long before we were married that crossdressing was a part of my life and we discussed boundries and groundrules and have had a wonderful 10 years together.

[RachelDenise]

Naomi, I think I understand what you mean. I am in a similar situation, the "don't ask, don't tell" portion of our relationship. There is no acceptance, no discussion and no hope of either. I feel as if I have been rejected since this is who I am. I feel that I can't share myself with her and that is a shame. It isn't loveless, but it isn't fulfilling to me either. I am a big supporter of those who have accepting partners and know how lucky those people are.

[Raychel]

Dear Naomi
I was in a marriage for 27 years and for many of those I dreamt of leaving and being free to dress as and when I wished. I used to have my own business and dressed very regularly after work there but I still had to be so careful about things like makeup and bra strap marks. The few trips away to CD weekends were a lifeline. I have to say that apart from my wife not accepting my dressing, our marriage was loveless and unfulfilling. I felt that she was not in love with me but with the concept of marriage itself. She wished for a home, security and children and that was what I was for. Looking back I suspect that even before we were wed I knew that and I had married her from fear of being ‘left on the shelf’! Why didn’t I leave? The fear of attempting to disentangle years of finance and of course the children.
Eight years ago I started an affair with a work colleague who had become a good friend and new about my dressing. The affair quickly turned into a love that has continued to grow ever since and she is also my very best friend. We are now married and I know what it is to be loved for me. Not for what I represent but because I am who I am, and that, she believes, very much included my cross-dressing.
I am now retired due to ill health and can only wonder what life would have been like if I had still been in my previous relationship. Stuck at home, unable to dress, in a marriage where communication was impossible. In relationships perhaps we only think of the now, how will you fair in the future as circumstances change? I have been so lucky. A wonderful home and wife and freedom to be who I truly am all the time. I think the only complaint she has is that I have more clothes than she does.
As to my children, during all those unhappy years I believed that it would be better for them if they were older if the marriage broke up. In my case that proved to be completely wrong. It is the younger of the children who coped best while the oldest still has problems.
Many apologies for this rather disjointed note but it evoked considerable emotion.
I can only say please do not just think of the now but of your future.
Jeanette

This post is really making me re-evaluate my life. There are so many similarities in my life.

[Want to be Lisa]

It's interesting that I came on and found this thread this morning. I have been thinking these same thoughts the past couple of days. My biggest problem is the kids. I don't think I can leave because of them.

But at the same time I want to be free now while I'm still fairly young. I don't want to wait until the kids are gone and I'm an old lady.

I really feel for you and know exactly what you are going through.

[Karren H]

For me it's family first!! Any time left over I can claim for Karren...... which isn't much lately but hey!! I'm ok with that......

[Di]

Naomi, does your wife know how strongly you feel about this? Does she know your marriage risks ending if you cannot express who you are?

Let her know how you feel and yes compromise should be a two way street. Feeling lonely in a relationship is a horrible thing wishing the best for you

[Katrina red nails]

Compromise should be a two way street, not just my wife's rules,

How i agree with this sentence Naomi. I have just had a torrid month with my wife over my cd ing.
I offered several compromises all of which met with a resounding "no deal".
I quoted the above sentence and still got nowhere. We were agreed we would split up and even told family members such (although not the reason why).
Eventually however my desire to save my marriage won through and i offered "if i give it all up (apart from sleeping in nightdresses which i have been doing for years) will you stay". She asked "why would you do that" I said "because i love you and don't want to lose you" After taking some time to think about it she came back, gave me a hug said we would stay together BUT (and its a big BUT) she loved me too and didn't want to stop me doing what i liked and what made me happy so as long as i stuck to the boundaries we had already discussed before the whole mess blew up i could "do my thing"
I will never understand a womans mind but i am so glad i made that offer. ( I very nearly didn't because of the sense of one-sidedness in her stance)