Absent or Distant Father?

[Jenny]

Hi Everyone, Jenny here,

I read somewhere (maybe in a college psych book, maybe in Dear Abby) that having a father who is absent or emotionally distant may lead to gender confusion. This is probably as good a place as any to test this theory.

I have to admit the theory may have some validity in my life. My father died in a car accident in 1993 when I was 10. My mother has never re-married. Even before my father died, he was not what you would call a "hands-on" dad. With seven children to support, he often ended up working weekends to help make ends meet. When he was home, he was usually too tired or grumpy to be much fun. He mostly served as the enforcer in the family. All my mother had to say if we had misbehaved was "wait until your father gets home." We would be the best-behaved kids on the block for the rest of the day hoping she would "forget" to tell him what we had done wrong.

I have to say that as a result I was much closer to my mom as I was growing up. I wonder if the lack of a significant male role model (I am the oldest boy in the family with 3 older sisters) affected me in becoming a crossdresser.

I would be curious what other members think on this issue?

[Wen4cd]

Eh, he wasn't absent, but he was bitter man. Bitter about blacks, bitter about gays, bitter about women, bitter about life.

He still is, he speaks of nothing but his old age and his impending death (it's not impending for any particular reason, he just likes to talk like that.)

I wasn't too fond of mom, either. I never felt close to either of them, both very distant people. I don't ever remember hugging either of them, except once when mom's dog died and I hugged her to console her, and it felt so creepy and uncomfortable I never wanted to do it again.

(BTW, I do hug my wife and daughter like 20 times a day! It's a whole different thing.)

[Cher]

HI...My brother and I were raised by divorved mom...we're both bi and both appreciate CD', although he doesn't dress (I think)

[eleventhdr]

Yes I can relate to this as well. my dad was a doctor in professional life and was and still is very conservative. He grew up in the depression as well as my mom they were born in the roaring 1920's but were way to young to know or understand what that era was really like. They also were the so called greatest genration just because they also fought WW2 So being establisment he was so much caught up in his profession that he was and still is an angry man he was and still does think thast violence is the way to slove everthing that is wanting to hit you to stop and change how you even think if you do not think his way you are all wrong. And the real problem is the only way to get along with him is to play his stupid game and this i really do hate because i am totally opposite of him having growen up in the 1950 and 1960s when there was lots of money and it was worth something. PLus i was and still am a hippie type personna always have been So it is no wonder that i finally did arrive and realize that i was also transgenered male crossdresser who has come to the conclusion that i should have been female. and I still want this or at the very least to live and dress female. Oh well more later!. Suzy Ann!.

[kristi cd]

Hmmm...I guess I'm the first exception. I always thought my dad and I were closer than most, at least that's the way I remember it. Maybe there's something to that too? Being exceptionally close to your dad??

[Danielle1960]

Well. My dad is a WW2 generation type and was very busy while I was growing up. Although reasonably grumpy ( my sister and I nicknamed him the grump after a cartoon charactor) and as a teenager we had our differences we got along reasonably well. As a young person 8yo to12yo I was violated by a couple of my brothers and being to young to know anything but fear of saying anthing because of blackmail, I never did tell my mom and have onlyl hinted at things to my dad. Even though it might be a big burden to hold inside, destroying a whole family 35 years later just didn't seem right. It all came to a head a year or so ago when I ended up with a nervous breakdown do to normal life stresses. As the years proceeded my dad who flew small airplanes and I would fly around the country on the weekend up till I joined the Navy. When I went into the Navy my dad and I became relatively close and still comunicate regularly (he is now 80 and going strong). I haven't said anything about my dressing desires to him because it would be to much for him to go through and I would rather enjoy the time left in friendship not hardship. As for me.. I'm ok. My wife doesn't understand the desire to dress and I think doesn't want to. However she has been showing signs of tolerations lately. My brother show respect that I haven't kick there cans, but sadly enough one is an alcoholic. I thought I was from an all American normal family... and you know.... I probably am. My psychologist says that my desire is ok and I've grasped to the Dr. Jungs theory of me.

Sorry to go on and on hope all understand. I guess to sumerize I would say love your parents and family (with all there faults) the best you can after all that is the compasion of a true woman.
Danielle

[sonalnarula]

I guess I'm an exception too - my parents are perfectly normal people and I have absolutely no complaints against them - they've always been there for me and I always will. Hmm, I think i was just meant to be a woman - somebody screwed up y'know - darn !

[Collette]

You know Jenny now that you mentioned it, yes my father was away during the week and home on the weekend. I grew up with 3 sisters and my mom, 4 women, my wonder I'm androgyne. My mother was the enforcer, my father kicked me on the butt one time for shooting one of my sibs in the eye with a flower pod, shot from a beany. That was the only time he disciplined me. Now my mom, thats another story. My father has long passed, wonder what he would have thought, his son in skirts? Collette

[Alex]

Yeah, my dad was a pretty distant guy.

I just hope I never turn out like him in that regard...I'm doing all I can.

[maidtina]

Sorry but I think your theory is rubbish.

My mother and father were a happy couple and stayed that way until he died only five or so years ago. At that time I realised that I was probably closer to my father than my mother, brother or sister.

Never had any abuse or emotional disturbance yet was dressing up before I was 10, was talking to girls and my future wife about it in my teens and recently found an increased interest in my fourtys.

No absent father or abuse in sight anywere.

[Chandra Marie]

I am another exception, my dad was around and only passed away just over a year ago. I am 35 and have been dressing for about 27 years.

[Summer]

I was very close to both my parents. My father died when I was 21. But I was a dresser by then as well.
Mother is well and lives nearby. Grandma, Son, Daughters All redheads. We make a nice picture.
I think your theroy is just that. I think it is genitic!.
Summer

[Jill]

I don't think the theory is totally bunk, but I have always had a pretty good relationship with my dad. He's not absent or distant but it would be safe to say that he is emotionally challenged. My relationship with him is like no other that I have had, but it is a good one. He, of all people, I think is the last person I want to know about my dressing.

[ChristineRenee]

I was a child of the 50's and came of age in the 60's. My father was a bread route salesman for 40 years. He worked very long hours and when he came home at night he basically ate dinner, then took a nap, then went to bed. We really didn't have much of a relationship and neither did my brother, who is 10 years older than me, with him. We were both raised predominately by our mother as "only children" because of the difference in our ages. My dad was also of the WW II generation. He was drafted in March of 1945....28 years old with a wife and 3 year old son. After basic training he was assigned to be in the 3rd assault wave in the invasion of Japan and was on the ship waiting to go when President Truman made the decision to drop the atomic bomb. Everytime I see the beach seen of Saving Private Ryan with the dead GI's laying there, all I can think about is that, except for the grace of God (and Harry S.Truman), my dad could have been lying there dead on some beach in Japan. After Japan surrendered, he was assigned to the Phillipines and served out his time there. I mention this mostly because my dad and I never had much of a relationship at all until I got back from Germany in 1975 from my tour of duty there. I think that my being in the military during the Vietnam era, and despite not serving there I did enlist and could have been sent there if necessary, it sort of validated me in my father's eyes. Plus, I think my being away for 3 years, he really missed me whereas he may have taken me for granted before. Our relationship got better and better over time. We went to basketball and football games together and played golf once a week. My dad died from stomach cancer at the age of 78 in 1995...before his time really. He had so much more to do and live for. Looking back, I think he really regretted not making more of an effort to communicate and spend quality time with his sons. He realized that, of course, too late. He was a product however of his generation and it's time and his job was to make the money and support his family. And he always had the unpleasant task of dealing out the corporal punishment as well despite not being fully knowledgeable of what he was punishing us for. "Do you know what your son did today?" my mom would say as he entered the front door from a hard day's work." Next thing he knew, mom was imploring him to take off his belt and punish me for whatever transgression I had committed that day. Today, this would constitute child abuse and one of your relatives would probably look out for you and have your parent thrown in jail. But this was the 1950's and a whole different country back then. Ask anyone who was a child in the 50's and they probably had a similar experience. Children were to be seen and not heard back then. If you had problems with a teacher and the teacher hit you, maybe with a ruler on the hand or an oversized paddle on your backside...your parents would automatically assume that you had misbehaved and the teacher had every right to punish you, no questions asked. As I said, it was a whole different country back then.

I know I am rambling on here, but I just wanted to share a little bit of what it was like to grow up in America in the 1950's. My dad always saw things in black and white. Not a real cerebral individual by any means. While I don't believe he was ever aware I crossdressed, I do believe he thought I was either different or "not normal." Very emotionally distant and detached from his family. Even when I was in my 20's and came to him for advice one time on how to deal with some work issues he bellowed "Don't bring your problems home to me....solve them yourself. I don't bring my work problems home to you and mom, do I?" Not very understanding, compassionate, or empathatic at all....that was my dad. But I still loved him and I know at the end, he truly did love me and wished he had done a lot of things differently back then.

Well...this was a novel I know and sorry for that, but thanks for letting me share a little of my growing up with all of you.

Peace & Love,

Christine58V8

[diane]

Nope, dad was around all of the time ... cub scout leader, little league coach, hikes, on and on ... he was a great dad.

[Teddie]

My dad was also close. He was a good husband, and father. A Cub Scout leader. A good provider. Etc.

[Dallas]

There are many pathes from the Nile to the sea; so I believe it to be with our 'little fetish'. We each have our own little path we took to get here. But we're here now so, LET'S HAVE SOME FUN!!!!!

[Tristen Cox]

My father was emotionally distant, and my parents seperated when I just became a teenager. Since I did not have that male presence like some boys do, I was not subjected to the stereo typical male customs as much growing up. Had he been closer this may have been different. So I agree with Jenny on this for my part. Although this might not be the case for everyone, I would sure like to see some statistics on this matter.

T

[eleventhdr]

I would to. i bet it is a lot higher then is acknowlledged Suzy Ann!.