hindsight is 20/20 - were there clues

[stephgoth]

So, i have denied my crossdressing/gender issues for years. But, even through the denial things would slip through, here are some of mine.

* my last two cellphones have been pink. People give me trouble and I made up all kinds of excuses like they would be harder to lose. but really i just wanted a cute pink phone.

* I have always disliked body hair and have made excuses to shave my legs, chest etc. long before i thought of being stephanie.

* I have a pair of shorts I am particularly attached to, just so happen they are girls shorts. funny, that.

* I liked coming up with outfits for my X GF much more than she did (she was a tomboy) perhaps all that lingerie shopping was really for me...

Did you have any feminine "tells" come to the surface before you were honest with yourself?

love,

Steph

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

I don't know if I had any "feminine tells" before I was honest with myself, but I did have several effeminate mannerisms that I learned to hide while trying to fit in society. Oddly enough, no real "feminine activity" interests (always hated chick-flicks, etc), just feminine mannerisms.

I'd say it was only after I started accepting that I am a crossdresser that I was more comfortable with shaving my body hair, etc. Never liked my body hair, but I had long just accepted that I cannot shave it because it's not allowed in the eyes of society. Stupid, stupid, rules, huh?

Even though I spent most of my life denying who/what I am, I always kind of knew. I lied to myself about it for years, even convinced myself that it would go away once I got married. My wife frequently dressed sexy when we were dating (and still to this day, though not as often). She wore the kinds of clothes I wished I could wear. I thought marrying her and being around her sexy-dressing body would make my desires go away. Nope! I still longed to be dressed like that.

Now we both dress up sexy and enjoy each other like that. In hind sight though, I always knew what I was. Just wasn't willing to admit it to myself or accept it until just a couple years ago. Hated myself for years, but now I love who and what I am.

[LisaM]

Crossdressing came after I realized I wanted to be female. My earliest memories are of wanting to be a girl. I wanted long hair when I was 5 or 6 and I fantasied about being a gir with long hair long before i put on a stitch of girl's clothes.

I don't know if that is helpful but it may add to the discussion.

[MaryAnn40c]

My tools I use at work are pink...I get bugged about it but I have never lost/missing tools.

[txrobinm]

the largest poster in my room growing up was Miss Piggy. I liked her over-the-elbow gloves, but couldn't admit that out loud. The excuse was they didn't have a poster of Floyd the bass player, or of Animal the drummer.

Of course I offset it with pictures of Ferraris. I think a good mix is healthy.

[Hope]

Yes and no.

I have always understood myself as a girl... since I was like 5. While I have spent a lot of time denying it to others, I have always been pretty honest with my self about it - even if there were times when I tried to make it go away.

But even before I was more open about it - I have totally had pretty girly aspects of my personality. I have been shaving my legs for years, I used to work in a lingerie store, I have always gravitated towards a pink option if one was available (and I could get away with it) my toenails have been painted for quite a while, I have been wearing panties instead of male underwear since high school, lots of stuff sort of gives me away... Just last night my wife said "you have always walked like a girl...." She is so sweet.

[Tina B.]

I never thought about it until now, I started dressing at around seven years old, so I didn't think I would of had any tells, but I do remember at around five, I loved going to a neighbors house that had a little girl my age, and loved playing with her and her doll house. I have always preferred playing with the girls, instead of the boys.
Tina

[stephgoth]

I loved going to a neighbors house that had a little girl my age, and loved playing with her and her doll house.

Tina, that jogged a memory, thanks. I used to play barbie dolls with one neighborhood girl a lot. We wanted to have a sleepover at her house but our parents wouldn't let us because I was a boy, and it wouldn't be appropriate. I was really disappointed.

Steph

[Lisa Golightly]

When I was eight I used to save up my pocket money and buy Barbie and Sindy things... They were discovered and thrown away by my mother at oh I must have been 10... I was soooooo upset. I was kind of forced to throw out my toy panda too... That really cut me... I was told I was too old to sleep with bears...

Well now I'm 41, and I still sleep with a teddy... I don't have a Barbie, but I do have a very pink bedroom... pink mobiles... pink laptops... I'd love a pink car, but I can't find a pink BMW... poo... Oh, and I'm a total panda fanatic... I even sponsor one... awwwww they are so beautiful.

[jennylogan]

My earliest "tell" was being in third grade and wanting to wear the catholic school girl uniform and join the girls at recess jumping rope. Needless to say even at that age I knew enough not to tell Sister Angela Marie of that particular desire. I started dressing regularly at age 12 by raiding my mother's closet and once I got started, I've never quit.

[Hope]

I'd love a pink car, but I can't find a pink BMW... poo... Oh, and I'm a total panda fanatic... I even sponsor one... awwwww they are so beautiful.

You know, if you can afford a BMW... having one painted is not THAT much more expensive - especially when it is new and ding-less.

[Lisa Golightly]

New? What's that? My cars are cast offs Factory fresh in pearlescent pink... Oooo that's just a dream to a girl like me

[Teri Jean]

Steph, the long hours of looking through the catalogs in the women's clothes and the ads in the papers should have been some indicators. The love of nylons and panties might have been another indicator or the shaving the legs and nether region could have been one. But the thing that strikes me as an indicator is how close I can relate to women and not to men. I just had a 50 year long blond moment (no offence to those who are blond). Maybe some denial was there also. Keli

[Amalia]

oh yeah defiantly, I usually had lots of cute cell phone charms hanging on my cellphone, I'd always had an opinion on what my mum and my sister were wearing and I ALWAYS had a Japanese Fashion magazine in my hand. actually looking back now I wonder if that's why all my friends that i've come out to didn't have any reaction to it at all...

[JoAnne Wheeler]

I loved to wear pink, lavender, purple and yellow - in my male clothes - I love

to participate in feminine activities and talking with GGs - I never was very

good in sports (had 20/400 vision and did not realize I was almost blind - by

the time I got glasses (late highschool) sports were over for me)

JoAnne Wheeler

[StevieTV]

In grade 6 I went to class wearing nail polish. Even earlier than that I was given my own doll to play with because my older sister didn't want me to play with hers. Now it's interior decorating classes, sewing and fashion interests. I also spray the inside of my car with Chanel (much better than those silly pine trees).

[Marshchild]

Well I wasn't so much in denial about my own CDing growing up as simply unbelievably dense. Anyway, some of my "tells" were:

• trying on various of my mother's lipsticks at one time or another
• having a certain fascination with things like wearing pink and shaving one's legs long before I did either thing - I think it was the "forbidden" nature of those things which made them seem so alluring
• writing a play for myself and my male classmates to act in when I was in my final year of primary school (it was a class project), and volunteering without hesitation to play the only female part in it. The play was sort of "Star Wars meets Lord of the Rings", and someone had to be Princess Leia!
• salivating over various beautiful dresses I saw in magazines or on TV shows
• reading a book in which a girl got the opportunity to wear a beautiful, historic white dress, and wishing I could have been in her shoes
• wishing my gonads could have been of the female kind rather than the male (and actually crying on at least one occasion because they weren't)
• generally just feeling "girly" a lot of the time, and realizing that, while that was somewhat irrational, it actually didn't bother me for the most part.

Surprisingly, in light of all of the above, it wasn't until I was in my mid-teens that I finally realized I was a CDer (and once I did, I didn't have the slightest problem about it). I told you I was dense!

[Angie G]

I don't think I did way back when. I just kind of started.
Angie

[tamarav]

[SIZE=4]I knew I was a girl inside from about the age of 7. I had to hide all my thinking along that line until much later in life simply because of my ignorance. Now, I am in full bloom, but there were subtle hints all through the years.[/SIZE]

[Marshchild]

When I was eight I used to save up my pocket money and buy Barbie and Sindy things... They were discovered and thrown away by my mother at oh I must have been 10... I was soooooo upset. I was kind of forced to throw out my toy panda too... That really cut me... I was told I was too old to sleep with bears...

Well now I'm 41, and I still sleep with a teddy... I don't have a Barbie, but I do have a very pink bedroom... pink mobiles... pink laptops... I'd love a pink car, but I can't find a pink BMW... poo... Oh, and I'm a total panda fanatic... I even sponsor one... awwwww they are so beautiful.

I'm 35 and I still have a teddy too: well a couple, in fact. Both belonged to my grandmother, and after she died, I was allowed to have them. I figure that, if she wasn't too old to have them at 83 (the age she was when she passed away), I'm not too old to have them now! I also have various other stuffed toys in my bedroom: a panther cub, bumblebee, "Millennium Bug" (basically, a large stuffed beetle with "Y2K Bug" embroidered on its chest), and giant plush iguana. The panther cub was going to be a Christmas present for somebody else, but unfortunately for the intended recipient, I left the thing sitting about where I could see it for far too long, and ended up becoming too attached to it to give it away (I think the moment when I realized I really was going to keep it for myself was when I gave it a name). The bee came from a bookstore (it was dubbed a "book bee" or "spelling bee"), and was the best three dollars I ever spent; while the iguana was a 29th birthday present from my brother and a mutual friend. They saw it in a toy store while looking for a present for me, and decided it looked so ugly, it was the perfect gift! On the subject of "girly" things I have which I'm probably "too old" for (nyah to that!), I also have a couple of Bratz calendars hanging about the house this year.

For a long time, I too was a panda fanatic. The thing that got me interested in them was a story I read as a young child about a panda called Chi-Chi, who I believe was a resident of London Zoo for quite a long time. I remember that story being quite moving, because once I'd finished it, I bawled my eyes out!

[Elisa]

I can't think of any specific tells, but I remember when I was a kid I often wanted to be the girl when we were playing games that required some form of roleplay..
In later years, being a nerd, I often find myself choosing female characters if I can, but I've always used the excuse that if I'm gonna play a game for hours, I'd rather look at a sexy cartoon girl (most computer game girls are quite sexy) rather than some strange animated man. Never actually thought of linking that to my CD'ing though, but I've been a bit on/off CD for the last 15 or so years, so I guess that explains why I never made that connection.

[Marshchild]

I can't think of any specific tells, but I remember when I was a kid I often wanted to be the girl when we were playing games that required some form of roleplay..
In later years, being a nerd, I often find myself choosing female characters if I can, but I've always used the excuse that if I'm gonna play a game for hours, I'd rather look at a sexy cartoon girl (most computer game girls are quite sexy) rather than some strange animated man. Never actually thought of linking that to my CD'ing though, but I've been a bit on/off CD for the last 15 or so years, so I guess that explains why I never made that connection.

Yeah, I've often played a girl in computer and video games myself - my favourite character in Mortal Kombat, for example, was always Sonya (who'll always be the original hot computer babe for me!). I'm sure a lot of guys play girls simply to perv on them, as you suggested. I once had a PC game called Deathtrap Dungeon, for example, in which you had a choice of two characters to play - one male, the other female. I'm guessing the female one was the more popular of the two, in no small part, I'm sure, because of the rather impractical tight black leather costume she was wearing (one that seemed to disappear between her buttocks!).

[Carly D.]

My telling moment was when I started to wear heels & hose.. actually I started when I was really young so if there was anything to think back and say gee that's why I dressed this way, it's beyond my memory..