Carrying vs. passing

[Lisa Pomeroy]

Dear sisters,

I'm new to CD (a late bloomer)...preparing to visit the mall dressed in maybe a month or so, which will be my first time out in the "regular" non-CD world...and I've been thinking, maybe I don't actually feel I need to pass. Maybe I don't need to fool people into assuming I'm a woman.

What I'm thinking hard about is, rather than passing, I want to carry it. I want to present myself with such confidence that even if some random mall-goer realizes I'm a biological male under my dress and makeup and jewelry s/he won't care because I present bold and strong and free.

Is passing the ultimate goal? Or is better approach maybe to be a little more in the world's face and say by how we dress and walk and talk, "Hey, I'm a mix of genders, and I'm OK with that, and I'm going to be me here and now in front of you...so deal with it!"?

I've got the activist impulse, but still I'm still a newbie...sisters, what do you think?

Lisa

[Nicki B]

You're pushing against an open door, here.

But you may find answers vary, depending on people's different definitions of passing..

[Cary]

I'm behind you 100% on carrying. You should be able to show the world your true self. Please be careful and good luck! It's a big world with alot of small minds.

[Sally24]

If you have the confidence than you can go in any direction you want. I prefer to pass but it doesn't ruin my day to get "the look". I just smile and keep on going.

Being exotic is just as fun as passing on a good day!

[Shannon]

I have found that for me, all I want to be is comfortable and confident when I'm out. I know I will not pass when I'm interacting with someone. At the mall or other places, I might "pass" on first look (which is about all the looks I get, and I like it that way).

[Ronni Seymour]

I just get out and enjoy myself, and dress like any other woman, where I'm going at the time. Trying to be an activist is not my game. If I can blend in and have fun, that's what makes me happy. Not trying to push an agenda. Some people will never come around to accepting any differences in gender, but that won't rain on my parade.

[Ralph]

Lisa,

A couple of thoughts here. I'm all for not trying to pass, as I believe it sends the wrong signals about what we are and what we're trying to accomplish... but be prepared for some harsh responses. Most people will be shocked. They may be polite enough not to let it show (much); they may be limited to a long stare to confirm what their eyes are telling them they see, but at least a few will openly ridicule you. If you're prepared to handle that (by ignoring it), go for it. Just know that it WILL happen.

Let us know how it turns out!

ralph

[TxKimberly]

If you have the confidence than you can go in any direction you want. I prefer to pass but it doesn't ruin my day to get "the look". I just smile and keep on going.

Being exotic is just as fun as passing on a good day!

Took the words right outta my mouth - couldn't have said it better.

[Tricia Lee]

Took the words right outta my mouth - couldn't have said it better.

Same here. I've just recently realized that assuming I will be read is my best course of action. I go into any interaction with people expecting that they know I'm a guy with makeup and a wig. Once I start talking they will know for sure anyway.

There are two ways this makes for a practical solution to the problem of going out in public:

1) It takes all the pressure off. This is not to say that I don't give 110% effort to achieve a passable look. It just means that I don't have to worry about my voice or mannerisms that might not be perfect. It puts the emphasis on having fun and being relaxed, which is probably the biggest thing that *will* help you pass as much as possible.

2) Because of my faith I'm sensitive to the question of whether what I am doing is deceptive. Well now the answer is unequivocally no! I'm not trying to deceive anyone into thinking I'm a woman. They are free to assume that I am, but I'm not trying to hide the fact that I'm a man. There is no deceptive intent in me, so I feel a lot of extra freedom and confidence when going out.


An upside to all this is I feel a bit more free in what I wear. I had myself convinced that I'd never wear heels in public because I'm 5'10". Last Tuesday while shopping enfemme at a Payless it all clicked. I tried on a really cute pair of heels. They were very sophisticated looking - not too high, and not too spiky a heel. They look great with my outfit. I realized that 2" extra height wasn't going to make or break whether I pass or not - and wearing the heels would be a lot more fun!

I went ahead and bought the shoes, wore them out of the store, and have worn them all the time in public since then.


Tricia

[sissystephanie]

Since my wife passed away 4 years ago, I never try to pass! She always did my makeup and wig, because I was not good at either one. So now I just go out a guy in a skirt, panties, bra, and a pretty feminine top. Usually feminine shoes too. So I am a "girly" man I guess. I get some "double takes," but I also get compliments on my outfits! I'm not sure what one would call what I do, it certainly is not "passing," but is it "carrying?" I don't know and really don't care. It is what I like to do, since I love to wear feminine clothing, and I don't care what other think!!

[Carla]

Our community is sooo diverse that there is no real answer to your question. I cannot be critical of others in the community for what they choose to do. I can only speak to my personal likes and dislikes. To my sisters who are reading this, my remarks are not an attack on any of you. While you may identify yourself as one in a group who exhibit what I dislike, I'm sure there are others here that would feel the opposite.

So.....having stated my disclaimers, I would never be "in your face" about anything...crossdressing included. I simple do not see the point and suspect it does more "harm" to our cause than good. I am heterosexual but not a homophobe, yet when I see someone who goes over the top at making sure everyone within earshot knows without a doubt that they are "flaming" I feel a sense of disgust. I draw the same line for crossdressers. When I see a "girl" that wears size 52DDD breast forms, and a micro miniskirt with 6" platform heels, .........in public......I have to turn away in disgust. What you do in private or what "turns you on" is your business and more power to you. I am certainly not the "CD Police" so please do not be upset with me. I'm only expressing my personal tastes.

So my advice is if you feel that you will not pass, then be subtle. I too do not pass, but I would never draw attention to myself. I think the general public would not care one bit about how we dress or act, if we dress and act in a way that does not directly attack their sensibilities.

Just ask yourself, do you want others around you to be respectful of your choices, or is it more important that you state by your dress and actions and body language, "If you don't like, then go f#$% yourself!"

Just my

[Samantha B L]

Hi Lisa,
Whether you can pass or not practically all if not all of the shopping mall and strip mall businesses and department stores that are all over the country have a policy of servicing the "Transgendered Customer". I seem to recall that someone posted a thread in the forum 2 or 3 years ago describing how Wal-mart even conducts employee seminars on how to best satisfy CD'ing customers. Of course in the more conservative parts of the country they might not let you use women's fitting rooms but they'll sell you anything you want to buy. So have your equivalents in women's sizes memorized. Your activist impulses are well taken and let me wish you a happy shopping trip!

Samantha

[docrobbysherry]

It MAY BE for some!

I started dressing to please myself, and 11 years later, I STILL AM!

It's "stay in the closet" for me! No stress, no strain, no dramas, no passing, no embarrasment, no nonsense! And CDing at home is safer than driving to the corner

I dress as simple, or as crazy as I like! No one to please, no one that I need to compromise for!

If I don't like my fem results, I just void the pics, and that particular girl never existed!

[Nicole Erin]

Maybe just to build up your confidence, venture to places that are not overrun by the under 18 crowd.

OK if you do not pass and go to the mall, are you prepared for teenagers to act like retards?
See, most adults may notice a non passing TG but not care or say anything but moron teenagers seem to enjoy making a scene or giggling, and it is a blow to the ego when it happens, especially for a TG who thinks they can pass undetected.

If you do go, make a good effort to blend in with your style, as in, don't wear petticoats or a cheerleader outfit.

[MissConstrued]

Same here. I've just recently realized that assuming I will be read is my best course of action. I go into any interaction with people expecting that they know I'm a guy with makeup and a wig. Once I start talking they will know for sure anyway.

Amen!

I think it sets people I interact with at ease the sooner they make the determination that I am, in fact, a male, and they don't have to wonder or worry about being politically correct. The mental process is then "OK, dude in drag... proceed normally... make remark about being covered in bees" rather than "WTF is this person? What do I call it? Should I ask? Or play dumb? Help! Oh, where's a sensitivity training seminar when you need one?"

[Karren H]

I thoight the ultimate goal was to get that cute dress on clearence??

[Empress Lainie]

Lisa:
As you well know there are many different viewpoints on practically everything in this forum. I am blessed to a degree I cannot comprehend. I KNOW I am female, and I am in every way except the wrong parts. The rest of my body looks female, including my nice B breasts.

I know I may differ considerably with other opinions, such as you should blend in, don't stand out, etc.

I would die if I was not accepted as a GG by other women, and I always am, even from day 1, July 2, 2007. So I know I can't ever be a GG, but I certainly want to be accepted by the public as one.

So there is criticism on that idea from some who say but you aren't helping the community by doing that.

I don't blend in. I see guys checking me out all the time, I am the queen of the dance floor, even one band member jumped off the stage to dance with me once.
I dress to be the beautiful woman I am in clothes that look like a woman should.

I went to a class all last week and was the only girl in the class. Several guys became friendly with me talking about class stuff, but never had a clue I wasn't a GG.

Some of you might say this is BS that I am fooling myself, but the way I am treated by other women and men confirms it.

I don't feel like I am trying to FOOL anyone, I am a woman with a birth defect that is no one else's business.

[MsJanessa]

Don't worry about "passing"--chances are that most of the folks at the mall won't notice if you are a cd or gg, assuming you dress like a normal gg going to the mall and not in a tight leather skirt and slinky satin top or something like that. And if you do decide to go dressed in your best fetish attire, send Me a pm and maybe I'll go with you--lol

If I was conerned about not drawing attention to Myself I would wear women's jeans or a sedate skirt, with flats, a womens turtle neck sweater, a short to medium wig and not too much eye makeup. I bet few people would look at you twice---now Me I would rather be thought of as a Gorgeous CD/TV/TG(or whatever) than pass as an ordinary GG but hey that's just Me! In any event have fun---

BTW you might try going dressed to a venue more excepting of CDs first---say a local gay bar on drag night---this would probably make you less nervous and you could dress to the nines and only draw the good kind of attention to yourself

[JoAnne Wheeler]

CARRYING - BLENDING - PASSING - NOT PASSING - just have fun - be all that

you can be - I think that I am at the point where if I want to go out, I'd love

to pass or I"d love to blend in - but if I can't I don't really care anymore - I

just have to be who I am and if that is a man in a dress - so be it

JoAnne Wheeler

"An All American Bluegrass Girl and Proud As I Can Be"

[wendiwoman]

When I started going out to the "real world", I was obssessed with passing, and horrified by the realization that I wasn't. So I fussed over every detail, and got so depressed when I got read over and over again. Then one day (October 21, 2004 to be exact), I caught my reflection in a store window and had an epiphany. I realized that I was passing... I was passing as myself. From that moment on, my head was held high, a smile came to my face, and I saw the world in an entirely new light. Now I spend 75% of my life en femme, and almost everyone I interact with knows that I am a genetic male. But I am proud of how I look, I treat myself with respect, and others consistently return that respect. Passing is not about how you look. It is about your attitude.

Wendi

[Nikki A.]

As someone who has just recently been at the stage you're at, I've found that as long as you're comfortable w/yourself people will let you do your thing.
My first time out in "mixed" company was a friend's aunt lesbian commitment ceremony, (I asked first, made sure it was ok). Big party both sides of the family and friends. Had a great time, got a few complements on the dress. Only one ass there, gave me the dirty look. I smiled back and lent his sister (my friends mom) my lipstick as she had forgotten hers. Been out to a restaurant with a few gurls (trying to make a few more), again no problems.
Do I pass, only if ur blind and deaf, and u know what I DON'T CARE, but I do try to dress appropiately for the occassion

[Marie O]

I don't believe I could really pass! But I would just like to go out and feel comfortable with who I am! Feel the freedom of wearing what I want without the pointing and stares that you hear about! I have run into TV's and CD's though the years, and my only thoughts were I wish I had the courage they have!

[dilane]

I assume that I pass casually, and that the chance of getting read (especially by women) is a function of how long I interact. I almost always smile and make eye contact when I converse with someone. Just a whiff of fear will be detected by most GG's in a heartbeat and you will be subjected to the highest levels of the femme-security scan

There's the friendly read (eg, a sudden bright smile, or a non-hostile jaw-dropping pause), and the ugly read (a gaggle of teenaged girls suddenly all staring at you). That is demoralizing, but I get my confidence back within a few minutes of leaving the scene of the crime. Thankfully, I haven't had one of those in over a year that I know of.

Yes passing does matter to me, but I realize I'm not perfect -- and don't let it get me down when I detect a read, but I do immediately think about what I could have done better.

I enjoy being a woman in public, not a t-person. I'm not an in-your-face type. Also, selfishly, I think that if there were obvious t-girls everywhere, then the general public's tranny-dar would become so well trained that those of us who pass most of the time would be read much more often. This is why I stay away from T-friendly and Gay venues.

Also, at first, most of us, especially those not out and about, are purely visual -- at this stage, the image in the mirror or photograph is the epitome of passing. But there is so much more as you learn to channel the inner-femme (if you have one -- some of us are perfectly happy to be inner-males).

I have a friend (former friend, she dropped me after her srs), who is visually perfect, yet I've been with her and seen her get read because she doesn't talk or move or have femme facial expressions. I was out to dinner with her and she was wolfing down her dinner like a low-class guy with both elbows on the table -- while impeccably turned out visually. It was quite a sight. She was offended when I whispered: "Lisa!!! You're eating like a truck driver!!" (no offense to you civilized truckers out there!)

After the love affair with the mirror fades, the intangibles are the next step. Voice, the way you wear your face, the way you visually interact with GG's, the way you move, these areas are what I've been focusing on, and it makes a *huge* difference. I call this the female vibe. If you get comfortable in this "inner realm" it gets much more satisfying.

[MissConstrued]

I think that if there were obvious t-girls everywhere, then the general public's tranny-dar would become so well trained that those of us who pass most of the time would be read much more often. This is why I stay away from T-friendly and Gay venues.

I stay away from them too, but it's because I like to chat up straight women.

[Jess_cd32]

If I ever ventured out to a public place like a mall, which I never plan to, I'd want to be as inconspicuous as possible.
If its clearly evident your male dressed female, depending where you live, count on younger girls pointing, laughing and those are just one example, thats just a fact.
If you can hold your head high above that behaviour towards you then I'd say go for it and enjoy yourself.