Why do we sugar coat things?

[KandisTX]

Seriously, why does everyone here seem to feel that they MUST sugar coat all their responses? We are supposed to all be adults here, and as such we should be able to handle the truth, no matter how blunt or ugly it may be? I am seeing so many threads here where all the answers are "Go for it girl", or "Yeah for you". Why not be honest with the others here and tell it like it is? If I ask a question, I want the truth, I don't want a sugary sweet answer.

Are we afraid the admins will shut down a thread, or maybe ban us from posting? As long as you are not violating the rules, then all should be fine. The point I'm trying to make is that when we see a post, why do we feel we have to be all sunshine and lollipops with our answers?

Kandis

[Karren H]

Its called being nice. Maybe you've heard of it?

Ohh and on the fourm I mod on.. People who aren't nice.. I'll infracct their ass off the forum in a heart beat.. No place for disrespect or drama!!

[Nicole Erin]

about a year ago I posted some photos of myself and I don't think anyone sugar coated anything.

Thing is, most people are not going to criticize another's looks, especially when most of us are not perfect looking.

[KandisTX]

Its called being nice. Maybe you've heard of it?

Ohh and on the fourm I mod on.. People who aren't nice.. I'll infracct their ass off the forum in a heart beat.. No place for disrespect or drama!!

Oh, I've heard of being nice, the problem I have is people who are CONSTANTLY agreeing with everyone else and not showing any original thought of their own. Now, I'm not saying be evil or mean to the point where the mods will suspend your membership, I'm just wondering if sometimes maybe people are "TOO NICE" as it were.

Kandis

[Ralph]

I have some pretty strong opinions about stuff and on my blog I don't hold anything back - if something bugs me, I say so and I say why. I posted a comment a few weeks ago that included a link to my blog, and the moderator removed it because after checking my blog she determined that it contained negative statements about the way some people express themselves.

I hasten to add I don't have a problem with that - the owner of a house has every right to set the rules. I'm just saying, not everybody wants the unvarnished truth (or to hear negative opinions). As a card-carrying grouch I welcome harsh honesty, but I can see where that's not always desired... particularly for folks who are new here, just discovering themselves, and looking for some kind of validation and encouragement.

Hey, mods - maybe you could put up a "steel cage" forum where no pretense of civility is necessary?

ralph

[kristinacd55]

Why do we sugarcoat things?
I do read some sugarcoated responses on here, but then again I read some really mean spirited & not so nice posts also. Just like in the rest of my life there are overly nice people, and just as mean people too. I think the people who are sugar coating are just trying to encourage a lot of us who really need encouragement! Frankly, I'd rather be one of those sugarcoaters.

Anyway, I'll bet there are a lot of responses to your post. It'll stir things up for sure.

[Marissa]

about a year ago I posted some photos of myself and I don't think anyone sugar coated anything.

Thing is, most people are not going to criticize another's looks, especially when most of us are not perfect looking.

This is a pretty good response as to why you don't see as much bold negative responses on anyone's looks.. even those who pass so well had a journey to get there so any negativity was seen in the past.. nice response.

Oh, I've heard of being nice, the problem I have is people who are CONSTANTLY agreeing with everyone else and not showing any original thought of their own. Now, I'm not saying be evil or mean to the point where the mods will suspend your membership, I'm just wondering if sometimes maybe people are "TOO NICE" as it were.

Kandis

Kandis, not sure what you want out of those here? Most come here for support and yes, honesty, whether positive or negative. What they don't come for, is bashing or a closed mind.

As far as treading lightly around the mods, well we can't get it right all the time but we can discuss most things. Someone recently posted a question on race and cd treatment. Treading? yes..but the responses are varied and honest, without being vulgar.

And yes i have seen those who say "i beg to differ" or "I don't agee.."

[KandisTX]

Maybe I'm not asking the right question here. I said "sugar coat", but what I'm talking about is when someone posts a response that is NOT positive, or seems to come off as "mean", that poster is jumped on by everyone else when all they did was post their opinion. I've had that happen when I posted the truth that I saw in a situation and two things happened. My post was removed by the mods (as is their right, however I did not break any of the rules of the board), and the thread was closed down. My issue with that is if the moderators had NOT shut down that thread, how many others would have posted the same or similar views as mine? I had posted to someone who was seeking pity from everyone and I posted quite matter of factly that they weren't going to get it from me. I was nice about how I said it, i.e. I was not cruel or vulgar in my response, but I am thinking that the statement I made was "unacceptable" even if it were the truth about the situation.

I have seen trolls posting here in the past get away with more, and those same trolls have gotten the same old "yeah for you" "you go girl" responses, when the posts being made by them were quite obviously full of lies and deceit only attempting to garner pity from the others here on this forum. I for one have grown tired of reading certain peoples threads because I find them to be nothing more than "pity me", or "please tell me I'm pretty" type of threads. Sure, we all need support from our sisters, and those GG's who we are fortunate enough to have in our lives. But the issue I see is that too often too many are constantly posting the 'whoa is me' type of threads.

Kandis

[AllieSF]

I understand the point that you are making. However, maybe the sugar coating that you see may just be your disagreement in someone else's point of view and opinion. Remember that when people are on a pleasant high (pink fog or otherwise), they may see a lot of mundane things as beautiful. As the say, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder". I have also seen many controversial threads with some that get closed by the moderator because of the rising heat in the discussion, which contains a lot of honest and sometimes strong opinions. Regarding honest comments, mine always are. However, as has already been said by others in their responses to this thread, negative comments, unless specifically asked for, are probably much better not said. Constructive criticism is generally good, especially when coated with just a little bit of sugar. It is much better for everyone's health and enjoyment. IMHO!

[valery]

It's all about the love, as we all want love and respect and that's the reason why people do that, sugar coat here means just to fill that lonely feeling trying to get some love although (great topic by the way) it's not a good idea to peter out. It's a world problem so it's not a transgender problem but a great point here !!!

[Katelyn]

In my opinion:

Reason 1

Are we afraid the admins will shut down a thread, or maybe ban us from posting?

Reason 2

Its called being nice.

I also only comment if I feel I have something positive to contribute. Ususally from my own personal experiences.

[GaleWarning]

I have said this before, and I shall say it again ...
It's not what you say, but the way that you say it!

Criticism should be stated in a way which does not demean or demoralise the person being criticized. Criticism should be constructive, not destructive and so it ought to be followed by some sensible, positive suggestion for a possible means of improvement.

It is often said that criticism couched in a humourous way is more pallatable, but in my view, few people have a sufficiently good sense of humour, and too easily fail to see the funny side, so I tend to avoid trying to be funny when being critical.

And to end, I support what some others have already said; it is easier and more helpful to be nice, than to be nasty. Reading many of the posts on this site, I am struck by the conviction that too many of us have never (or at least, hardly ever) been properly affirmed in our lives.

I feel it is better to build up someone's ego, even through constructive criticism, than it is to thoughtlessly destroy it simply because we feel that our point of view is superior to theirs.

[Karren H]

Oh, I've heard of being nice, the problem I have is people who are CONSTANTLY agreeing with everyone else and not showing any original thought of their own. Now, I'm not saying be evil or mean to the point where the mods will suspend your membership, I'm just wondering if sometimes maybe people are "TOO NICE" as it were.

Kandis

Well people have a right to agree with anyone in any manner they wish.. Personally if I don't agree with someone I will tell them.. Kind of like right now! . But I refuse to degrade someone for a valent attempt!! Hell it takes a ton of guts just to come out here and post..

And there's nothing wrong with a little support.. I seriously doubt anyone would be here is every time they said something or posted a photo everyone ripped into them? I'd be gone in a heartbeat!! You want honesty I'll let you talk to my wife!! Hahaha

[joann07]

I like to be nice, while at the same time I apply constructive criticism.

Hugs!

[Pink Person]

I know what you mean. Sometimes it seems that people aren't really being responsive to the thread at all but are more interested in promoting themselves in an artificially sweet manner.

Huggles, snuggles...barf.

P.S. It's okay to laugh.

[sissystephanie]

I like to be nice, while at the same time I apply constructive criticism.

Hugs!

Those of you who have read many of my posts will realize that I am similar to Joann in this regard. I don't answer many threads simply because I don't have anything constructive to offer. I have never believed in "sugarcoating" things! Just ask my two children! LOL!! My replies to threads come straight from my heart, and always will!

[celtic.blue.eyes]

Seriously, why does everyone here seem to feel that they MUST sugar coat all their responses? We are supposed to all be adults here, and as such we should be able to handle the truth, no matter how blunt or ugly it may be? I am seeing so many threads here where all the answers are "Go for it girl", or "Yeah for you". Why not be honest with the others here and tell it like it is? If I ask a question, I want the truth, I don't want a sugary sweet answer.

<snip> The point I'm trying to make is that when we see a post, why do we feel we have to be all sunshine and lollipops with our answers?

Kandis

I can certainly understand what Kandis is talking about, because there are many times when any kind of constructive criticism is avoided in order to "sugar coat" a response.

Quite a few times I have seen some one post a picture with the question "How do I look?" because the individual wants to get out and do some shopping. So we see a picture of some poor dude in a sleeveless dress with boobs sticking out about 8", a cheap wig and pantyhose. He hasn't shaven, he has hair growing out from under his arms, hairy arms, and hairy legs under the pantyhose. In addition, he has a puss on his face that would scare off an angry mountain lion. If this poor guy actually goes out in public like this, he'll get laughed at for sure, his ego destroyed, and probably get his butt and face kicked in.

So what are a lot of the responses? "Oh, You look great", "That's a beautiful dress", "Have a great time" etc., when the fact is not one of those "sugar coaters" would dare go out looking like that. These kind of responses may sound nice at first, but are in the long run so destructive.

Yes, we can honestly evaluate constructively, and word it so that is nice. But any one that might respond with something remotely negative, like
"even hairy women don't have 1/10 that amount of hair, you may want to consider a long sleeve dress",
or
"a pair of opaque tights might be more becoming",
or
"a pretty smile goes a long way"
will get jumped on. The poor guy was asking for help, truly needs the help and he wasn't getting it. Instead he gets false hope and unwarranted confidence that will be totally destroyed.

So many GG's have remarked about the importance of honesty, but is seems we can't even be honest among ourselves.

OK, I going to duck while I get jumped on.....

[Karen564]

If someone wants the truth, I'll give it to them, it's plain & simple.. but I still try not to be rude about it..

Much depends on what the subject is & what section of the forum your in.

But If someone is posting a picture or a simple statement because they feel good about themselves, well who am I to rain on their parade?? I wont do it, sorry.. It's just not me..and never was.

It's just a much better feeling to say something Nice & Sweet, rather than to be mean or critical towards a Member here, I think there's enough of that abuse in the world as it is, so now you want to bring it in here too..??

Take 2 sugars & call me in the morning..

Karen

[docrobbysherry]

Mite be one of the reasons so few r critical here! I know MY CLOSET is pratically solid glass!

As for opinions, they're kind of like "A" holes, everyone has one!
That doesn't mean u have to BE one!

AND, it doesn't mean everyone needs to hear your opinion, specially if it's mostly CRAP!

[linnea]

I think that you are just to foment discord. When a member of this site asks for an opinion, my impression is that she gets opinions. When a member makes an announcement about a new adventure or one of the many baby-steps some of us take in our CD journey, I think that she usually gets encouragement.
Of course, some of the responses may be tempered or coated with sugar, but as Karren has already said, "It called being nice." There's nothing wrong with that; as a matter of fact, it should be encouraged.
By stating, as you have, that the responses on this site are sugar-coated, you are making a gross over-generalization, impuning the honor of our community, and encouraging discontent. Nice going.

[jennydl]

Hi Kandis,
some people on this forum want to be told the truth, they usually ask for it in their posts.
Others don't.
If a sasquatch in a dress asks , do I look pretty?the answer is yes,you're a pretty girl.
Why?Because they are looking for acceptance and support.They aren't looking to be judged or ridiculed.

Jenny

[Hope]

There is a difference between "sugar coating," and carefully choosing one's words, or being careful with the feelings of another.

When my wife asks "how do I look in this outfit" I can respond by saying "You look like a water retaining sea-cow" or I can say "That is not the most flattering thing I have seen you in today." Both might be true - but one shows an awareness of another person's emotions, and a concern for those emotions. The other response is the response of an socially awkward jerk.

They are called social "skills" for a reason.

[Jonianne]

Sugar coating is not usually a bad thing. Why force someone to drink casteroil when cherry flavored cough syrup works just as well. Sometimes you need to "have a heart" when you speak from the heart. Gentleness and kindness is not just a female thing.

[Lisa Golightly]

I'm too polite... I tend to avoid making positive comments about something I can not be positive about... Silence is politeness.

[melissacdx]

We come here for the sugar coating, if i wanted ridicule and brutality, i'd go any number of other places...we're all underdogs here, so we we need to be propped up, we ask inane questions, like, how do i look, what do you think of this dress, etc...

jesus, do any of you really understand women? when a girl asks you if you like her dress or if her bum looks big, we all know that's not what she's asking, she's looking for a little boost, or a pep talk, or some basic validation -- we're all doing the same thing here...we're going to do what we're going to do, we're just coming here for a shot of confidence.

im surprised by the responses -- this is standard girl 101 -- when feeling blue, ask an innocuous question and hope that someone has enough sense to realize there is more behind it.

for what its worth...