Hey all;
It's been about a month and a half since I've posted here. I appreciate the PMs from those of you I've befriended. Hey, I even appreciated the badly misspelled sex offer from a banned member.
The truth is, I've been really struggling with something, and thought I might turn to you. I've never dealt with anything like this before, and I really hope it doesn't make me sound like a drama queen. I'm not sure what I'm after by telling you this, but I can only hope that some of you have dealt with something similar and can offer a pat on the back, or a hug, or a piece of advice, or anything.
I lost a very good friend in the beginning of May. It was a very sudden illness, and a day later, he was gone. He passed away before I could get to the hospital. As is the case with things like this, I didn't get a chance to say goodbye. I'm not really at peace with that, but I also know there's nothing I can do about it. That conflict is much harder to deal with than I would have thought. I took a long vacation after the funeral, moved to a new apartment, and generally sat by myself and thought about things. Being by myself probably wasn't the smartest thing, but I can't undo it now.
I haven't dressed in a long, long time, and I feel further from it now than I have in years. I haven't purged or anything, but I have very conflicting feelings about this side of me. I'm not religious, or even spiritual, but I can't help but feel like, in a very "Truman Show" sort of way, he's watching me, and would not approve if I slipped into a skirt at the end of the day. I live alone, but I don't feel like I do. I literally cannot bring myself to dress because of this. After I moved, I opened one of my trunks of fem-clothes and just stared at it, not being able to do anything. I haven't opened it since.
My friend obviously didn't know about my CDing. Maybe I eventually would have told him, maybe I wouldn't have, who knows. I don't know how he would have reacted had I told him. He was liberal about some things, conservative about others. Once, he was hit on by a gay guy and flipped out. Another time he was very supportive of a friend who came out of the closet and was disowned by her father. I just don't know how he would have handled my lifestyle.
But because my feminine side is now MIA, I've never felt more masculine in my life, and I feel like that's pushed me even further from going back to CDing. I know how dressing makes me feel, and I know how much I've needed that side of me since college, and I know that it's probably part of who I am forever (believe me, reading posts from 40, 50, 60-year old CDs on this site has been *incredibly* inspiring and helpful), I just can't get into it now. I am terrified that I'll just feel like a guy in a dress.
That I haven't purged is really the only thing that makes me feel like this is a phase. And yet, living without my friend is *not* a phase: it's permanent. Maybe the fact that I teared up as I typed this means I'm not as masculine as I thought. But all I know is I'm really confused, really hurt, and really unsettled. I would really appreciate hearing your thoughts about this, particularly if any of you have ever dealt with something similar.
Jiera