Confidence Shattered

[Berinthia]

On a forum of outsiders, I'm an even bigger outsider, I've had medical problems a long time now, and cross-dressing for me is fetish, like a John Willie cartoon from the 1940s. If I walked down the street in stilettos, corset, fake boobs and wig I would cause traffic accidents. I think if you dress in a little black dress, you better be on a diet and go to the gym, beauty parlor, plastic surgeon,... there is a multi-billion dollar industry built around making that little black dress look good. If you wear jeans and a blouse with a jacket, like most normal women do, no-ones even going to notice you most likely.
I wear sweat pants and a hoody. I'm cheap. I'm a snob. I've had psychiatrists who wear very expensive Italian loafers. I remember at my old job a few neighborhood ladies would come by and gossip with my partner Joannie, I didn't notice them at first, they were smart, nice, friendly, and after a while I said to myself, hmm, these ladies are really nice, I wonder if they're married. They ALL had wedding rings the sick of ROCKS!
Feeling-good101 says be who you are. STYLE is a bit more broad topic. It's about other people.
I'd like a pair of heels buried deep in my closet, but if I ever get well I'd like some nice man clothes, good skin, a nice haircut. I'd like to be the guy you girls notice.

[windycissy]

Absolutely. Unless you intend to live as a woman then it is probably time to move past the fantasy that people see you as a woman. There were undoubtedly many, many people who knew you were a man on early outings but simply were too polite or did not care to make an issue of it.

You next step is to accept that you are a CD man who wishes to be treated as a woman. Get comfortable with the idea it is OK for a man to do this. Interact with SAs in shops and use your normal male voice - you will find they treat you normally because they already know you are male before you utter a word.

BTW 99% of folk will tag you as gay since they think all men who crossdress are gay. I actually found comfort in that fact because my fear was based on people knowing I was a heterosexual man who was CDing so I was a pervert. Thinking of myself as gay, even though I am not, gave me license to overcome my fear that I was doing something wrong and shameful.

I don't think that's very good advice...for sure, if you're totally unpassable, why not kick back and use your mail voice, etc if you don't mind what people think, but for the lucky ones who have a shot at passing, acting and talking like a woman is part of the fun, and the more you do it, the better you get...

[Jonianne]

.......Unless you intend to live as a woman then it is probably time to move past the fantasy that people see you as a woman....

....You next step is to accept that you are a CD man who wishes to be treated as a woman. Get comfortable with the idea it is OK for a man to do this....

....BTW 99% of folk will tag you as gay since they think all men who crossdress are gay........

Satrana, for many of us, I think your advice is dead on.

[Sally2005]

No one likes to be singled out. Other than having a thick skin, take a good look at yourself...maybe you lost the bounce in your walk or your hair needs a tune-up... I think it is pretty hard to pass all the time, but if you radiate happyness people will smile at you.

[Claire Cook]

You next step is to accept that you are a CD man who wishes to be treated as a woman. Get comfortable with the idea it is OK for a man to do this. Interact with SAs in shops and use your normal male voice - you will find they treat you normally because they already know you are male before you utter a word.

Satrana and Kim are right on here. The confidence comes from the inside.
We're all going to "read" at some point -- just enjoy being comfortable in the clothes we love -- and that we are guys who wear them well.

[CLARRISA]

Thankyou all for your kind words,brilliant advice and support, it has giving me new insight and encouragement...I must tell you i got so paranoid..i pointed my web cam out on to the street i live on, and walked passed it a few times recording myself walking along as Clarrisa, just so i could get the 3rd person view of myself...stupid camera tho, everytime id hit record, go out, and come back in, the thing had failed to record ..yet when i'd do a test recording whilst i was indoors it would work,it was driving me nuts..it was like Shroiders Cat or something...i had to keep doing it, i was like "God, please let this damn thing work this time.."......Results..bad jumpy quality....however..i made some discoveries...1) My walk was too rushed and over strident 2) i didn't look relaxed, that "i don't belong look is real"....Mind you i was in no mood to go out anyway, was just something i thought i must try before giving up on it all. I take the point tho now, that i have to accept that i'm a crossdresser that wants to be treated as a women, and that every now and then someones going to make an issue of it, thanks again, its good to know your not alone.

[TerriM]

Going out enfemme is all about attitude. If you go out worrying all the time if someone is going to read you, you will get read. But like " so what " As long as they don't chase you with pitchforks like in the old Frankenstein movie who cares? I can't get out that much, but believe me, I enjoy every minute that I do. Life is too short to worry about some idiots that waste there time commenting about how others look. Just my two cents.

Yours Terri

[Sophie Haworth]

Clarissa.

I can really empathise with you and your current mood, the effect it does have on you.

If you get an opportunity take a look at some of my posts from the early days on here back in 2004 and you will hopefully see how I have grown in confidence over the years, and yet very rarely do I feel 100%.

I know many say passing is not important, and always seems to always be a bit of a contentious issue.

I am not really sure how important passing is to you, but I suspect it is of some importance or you would not get so down.

I would just keep working hard.

It has taken me a long time to get where I am now, and with the help of people on this forum, and using plenty of video of myself, I have learned a lot.

I have to disguise tons of masculine stuff to get out and about, and it is not easy, but when I am in the mood, well worth all the effort.

Try and get pictures on here and ask for some honest help, even via PM

Fortunately you will get some

Sophie.

[Berinthia]

Chin up, t*ts out Clarrisa!
Those bruises from the ten foot poles will heel, there's alot of emotional tides out there, float, tread water, swim, send ot S.O.S! whatever it takes, I'm glad you're here to help ME!

[tamarav]

[SIZE=4]Unfortunately, society has a tendancy to allow it's weak members to make fun of others, not just us CDs. Everytime someone makes a rude remark of gives me a strange stare, I just feel sorry for them. They have no idea how happy I am and how unhappy they obviously are. I do have a tendancy to face off with them though, something I don't recommend unless you are a Black Belt...I just hate ruining a new pair of hose to prove my point.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=4]I threw the saddle off the horse long ago and now just jump back on the horse without even missing a stride. Being singled out happens to all of us and realizing just how strong you are will carry you through. You go girl![/SIZE]

[JoAnne Wheeler]

Do not let that upset you - get yourself an attitude where you JUST DON"T

CARE what anyone says about you - JUST BE YOURSELF - and as we all know

OURSELF includes being a crossdresser - it is a really big part of our inner

being - so just be yourself - go out with confidence, determination and an

attitude of JUST BEING WHO YOU REALLY ARE - and we all know who and

what we are.


JoAnne Wheeler

[Holly]

Clarissa, allow me to rephrase what many of the other ladies have said. It is much easier to be yourself than to be something that you are not. I was frustrated for so long trying to pass myself off as something I am not. I am not and never will be a genetic woman. I AM a transgendered person. I present myself in what most of society view as women's clothing. I wear makeup and long hair. I have absolutely no trouble passing as a transgender woman. Once I started trying to pass as what I was and not for what I could never be, I never had anymore problems. That's not to say there is still not the occasional giggle or surprised stare. But that's the other person's problem, not mine. Be yourself and be proud to be yourself, Clarissa.

[obsessedwithpantyhose]

i have a question...i know why we dress in womens clothes...
but why is it that we want to be treated as women???
why not just be happy with being treated as human beings instead??
i guess thats 2 questions...

after all isnt it what we all are,? HUMANS
and i was told that variety is the spice of life...some people are just not happy unless you look like them or dress like them.....
stupid fashionistas wanting everyone to dress the same.... we are NOT cattle

[Glenda]

All of my friends know I'm a crossdresser, not a woman. Why on earth would you care what strangers think? Very, very few of us can truly pass as a woman, but many of us can be very presentable as a female. I think most of us crossdress because it makes us feel good. It would be nice if everyone took as much pleasure from our crossdressing as we do, but they don't and they won't. It is something that most people do not understand. Therefore, some ridicule. The last time I checked, none of them paid my bills or put groceries on my table. I think I'll be true to the one who does.......me.

[Marlena_Sparkles]

Awwww. Sorry you had to go through things like that. I think most of us do from time to time. You just have to learn to ignore them. And drive on!!! As long as you are comfortable,that's all that matters! Sending...

[Nicki B]

i have a question...i know why we dress in womens clothes...
but why is it that we want to be treated as women???

Well - for very many of us, the need to be treated as a woman is a part of our dysphoria?


I was in a filling station, today - there was a woman who set off my trannydar big time - yes, she had a masculine face, but what first drew the attention was her obvious nervousness and indecision about what she was trying to do?

Finally, she made her purchases and left - and got into a car with her husband and two children... Oops!


So, 'pretend' to be confident - and, if people accept you, you'll find that will build your actual confidence? But also remember - there's nothing wrong with being trans? By being openly yourself, you are carrying the flag for all those who can't expose themselves yet. That deserves respect - and, IME, often gets it, from cis-people.

Very, very few of us can truly pass as a woman, but many of us can be very presentable as a female. I think most of us crossdress because it makes us feel good.

Indeed..

[Prissy Linda]

For some people in our society, many have never seen a CD,Transperson before although they have heard of them. The first time seeing someone who is different can be somewhat of a shock but the more they see of us, maybe the next time they see a man dressed like a woman it won't be such a big deal.

My daughters don't know that I dress but they may have an idea since I do show some feminine mannerisms and have arched eyebrows and long nails but it doesn't seem to bother them. My spouse and I took our girls to Las Vegas a few years ago, We saw several CD's and some were obviously men, the first time our girls saw them they stared and their jaws dropped in total surprise, later during our vacation we happened to see 3 CD's watching the water show at the Beliagio and our girls noticed and glanced a few times but it wasn't the big deal like it was the first time. Later my wife commented that our girls reaction would probably be the same if they ever saw "dad" dressed that way.

For some people it takes time to adjust to something new, yes there are people who are just rude and ignorant but don't let a few comments and stares ruin something you love so much, People need time to adjust to new things, just like anything else.

[Satrana]

I don't think that's very good advice...for sure, if you're totally unpassable, why not kick back and use your mail voice, etc if you don't mind what people think, but for the lucky ones who have a shot at passing, acting and talking like a woman is part of the fun, and the more you do it, the better you get...

I don't see this as being about your level of passability but about being true to yourself. Sure it is fun to act and sound like a woman, and a great kick if you can do so successfully, but is that what CDing is actually about? Past the fun part are we not dressing to meet an emotional need? So if you do not believe you are a woman or intend living as a woman then what is the point of developing a character just to derive fun from? And does that not then impose a high standard on yourself that you can only crossdress if you go the whole way and emulate every aspect of a woman. Anything less and you feel incomplete or dissatisfied with your experience.

I believe it is good to comprehend that fun is just fun, but there are more important things to develop ie your acceptance as to what you are - a genetic male with a developed feminine sense living in a society still wanting to follow gender stereotypes.

By all means continue improving on your deportment skills if this brings you satisfaction and helps raise your confidence levels but do keep in mind what you actually want to achieve in the long run.

[ReineD]

I hope it's OK for a GG to jump in. I've got my own fears and insecurities about this topic too.

I thought the point of 'passing' was to help make it safer for a transperson dressed in women's clothing to be accepted out in public. True some TGs would like to be read as GGs as they feel it is the only way to be treated like one. But don't all TGs wish to blend in sufficiently in order to safeguard against potentially offensive (or dangerous?) members of a society that is still largely ignorant and biased against transness?

I also understand Holly and Satrana's point. It is best to hold one's head up proudly as it will do more to dispel ignorance than anything else. But is there potential danger, especially from groups of obnoxious men such as the OP described?

One last point .. and I haven't seen anyone mention it yet. My SO and I had dinner last night with friends, a TS and her wife. The TS told us that over time she put less and less effort in her makeup and clothing. Rather, in the beginning when she was a CDer it was all about the clothes and the makeup but now that she is living full time her style has reverted to the very effortless, casual style of dressing many CDs here deplore. It doesn't bother her in the least if people in town know she is trans. She knows who she is. Still, she has a small stature and she is on hormones so it is more difficult overall for people to read her.

My point is could it be that over time and with increased confidence, you might have taken less effort to be outside people's radar? Makeup applied more quickly, less attention to your hair, or not wearing long nails or less jewelry thereby putting your male hands more in evidence? Or maybe you've adopted a casual style of dress that might be more androgynous therefore easier to read? Also I imagine in the beginning many CDers are extremely conscious of the way they walk or sit while dressed. Would the conscious effort to adopt the more feminine moves dispel over time? Please accept my apology if this does not apply or if you find it offensive.

If you do find you've 'relaxed' your style somewhat in the last while, perhaps getting a makeover would give you a much needed lift emotionally as well as provide you with fresh ideas for a new look?

[JulieC]

... a group of young girls walk by..and one says to her friend "Thats a Man"...

If any of them were wearing pants, I think I might have said "You're a girl? Wearing PANTS? What's up with THAT?" and walked away.

[Nicki B]

I thought the point of 'passing' was to help make it safer for a transperson dressed in women's clothing to be accepted out in public.

Surely, if they 'pass', or 'blend', then no one actually accepts them - because no one notices the difference?


*blows Reine a kiss*

[Jess_cd32]

Just take a break untill your ready again to venture back out, and you will be

[Rachel B]

I dont want to label every cd'er with the same tag here, but on the evidence I've noticed when looking at pictures of cd'ers and reading posts regarding the clothes we like to dress in, I'd say that cd'ers do not dress to be un-noticed or to fit in!

I know I dont! I choose to dress in clothes that do something for me/to me. If I'd been born a girl I doubt I'd be doing this. Certainly from conversations with GG's they dont dress for the reasons I dress.

Is is possible that somewhere inside there lives a creature craving the attention (good/bad)?

When I walk down the street the people I notice are the ones who make an effort to be different, be it clothes, style, hair, make-up, whatever. I pay little to no attention to the fuddy's. I certainly wouldnt want to be one of them!

[Angie G]

That's life hun sometimes you get kicked sometimes you kick so go do some kicking girl
Angie

[Jonianne]

Clarissa, allow me to rephrase what many of the other ladies have said. It is much easier to be yourself than to be something that you are not. I was frustrated for so long trying to pass myself off as something I am not. I am not and never will be a genetic woman. I AM a transgendered person. I present myself in what most of society view as women's clothing. I wear makeup and long hair. I have absolutely no trouble passing as a transgender woman. Once I started trying to pass as what I was and not for what I could never be, I never had anymore problems. That's not to say there is still not the occasional giggle or surprised stare. But that's the other person's problem, not mine. Be yourself and be proud to be yourself, Clarissa.

Obi-Wan Holly has spoken.