How can I do this?

[Vickii*]

I think I know what I need, but my problem is, I don't know where to find it, or what to do about it.

I know I'm a heterosexual, so I know I want to be with a woman in an emotional and sexual relationship. My last relationship with a girl fell apart at its seams due to many things, but one of the things that stood out in my mind, was that I couldn't share my crossdressing with her. I had told her that I had crossdressing tendencies, and we had discussed it several times. Her attitude was that, it is indeed a horrible thing to have, but she still loved me, because I loved her, and it was out of my control. I know that this is more to expect from most girls. But I know what I needed. I needed her to completely accept me. I need to have someone who I can share that part of my life with and not feel guilty, because I have been beating myself up for too long, and my ego needs it. Maybe I'm just looking too hard for perfection, and I can't accept a relationship that's imperfect, but I don't know. I have gotten close, but I never had asked my girlfriend straight out if she would share that experience with me, because I knew she wouldn't accept it. Also, on top of that, I was afraid that if I pushed to hard, she would get upset and tell all of my friends, so that added tensions about me talking about it. Even though I knew I could trust her, I still had that fear.

I know what I need, I need a girlfriend that will not only tolerate crossdressing, but accept it fully, and talk about it with me. I will not accept anything less. I just can't. So what do I do? How do I find a girl like that? And if I do find another girl that clicks with me, how do I tell her that that's what I want to do? And what if she gets upset, dumps me, and tells all of my friends? This thought holds me back from pursuing any relationship.

I'm not going to lie, I'm really lonely. I miss having someone to be intimate with. Ever since I dumped my girlfriend I have been terribly lonely, and I can't see any easy answer. I feel almost like my crossdressing tendency is holding me back from finding love, because I know that it is a dealbreaker to most girls, so I don't even bother. How can I get over that? What do I do? Am I just destined to be alone? Is that my fate?

Sorry if this post was a bit scatter-brained, it's hard putting these thoughts together very coherently. I just had to get this off my chest... Any comments would be appreciated.

[tamarav]

[SIZE=4]For one thing, I think you are being pretty hard on yourself. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=4]When potential mates see desperation in the eyes of their date, they tend to shy away. You may be inadvertently sending wierd signals to your potenial mates when you are talking with them or fishing for an opening.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=4]Try just being a "normal" person and see how the other person reacts. Shoot, you may not like them after a couple of dates, so why get all worked up immediately? [/SIZE]

[SIZE=4]This is an age old question, regardless of hobby. People become fixated on finding a mate and tend to scare the hell out of most of them with their needy attitude and not paying attention to the other person. Your potential mate may have her own issues that need to be dealt with, this is a two person thing. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=4]Lighten up and the next right person will become obvious. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=4]Disclaimer: I may not have a clue what I am talking about...but it has worked for me[/SIZE]

[kellycan27]

Tough question for sure. I don't really have an answer as to where you might meet such a person. But maybe I can offer you some hope at least. I am a TS and desired to have a relationship with a hetrosexual man. Where are you going to find a match like that? i didn't think it possible, but you know what? It happened. I have begun a relationship with the guy of my dreams. So hang in there and don't give up.

[Tora]

Take it slow, with your dates. If you have requirements, let them work out.
Relax have a good time, let her have a good time and want to be with a sincere, fun, trusting man with a hobby. You are a good person who happens to be a crossdresser. If you are a crossdresser first and foremost, it will really narrow the possible ladies you would like to impress.

[NicoleScott]

Vickii*, I'm no expert and don't usually respond to posts like this, but I feel somehow compelled to offer what I can.
My wife tolerates my cd-ing, but does not participate. It's really asking a lot to just tolerate it. I'm very fortunate.
From my own experiences and from people I know, when we are lonely and want someone to be close to, we're vulnerable to making mistakes. It seems that the harder we try to find someone, they just don't seem to exist. When we settle in, accept ourselves and the situation for what it is, just when we least expect it, someone special will appear. So be patient. In the meantime, take this opportunity to do something to make yourself, and someone else, better. It's good therapy.

[PaulaSF]

Hi Vickii,

Not sure how long your last relationship lasted, but mebbe a simple "rebound" fling, sans any worry about outing yourself, simply to regain some confidence, to better suceed in the dating game?

Personally, I'd suggest focusing on he big ticket/required items with anyone new, and seeing if there's chemisty, and a sense of long term possibilities before springing the news.

My approach, which has worked reasonably well, but mebbe biased, since meeting San Francisco women, who could be more open-minded, and certainly more exposed to gay guys & t-gals than many regions, was to essentially "break the news" the first time we were intimate, together. Being totally smooth, and only wearing thongs, its pretty obvious to her, that you might not be the total NASCAR fella she mighta been hoping for ;-)

The sharing, prior to intimacy makes a lot of sense, as once a couple has been intimate, it does typically take the budding relationship to another level (and logic behind waiting several-many?- dates, before being intimate is the hope that the levels of emotional & physical intimacy kinda sync up).

best of luck!

Paula

[kellycan27]

Take it slow, with your dates. If you have requirements, let them work out.
Relax have a good time, let her have a good time and want to be with a sincere, fun, trusting man with a hobby. You are a good person who happens to be a crossdresser. If you are a crossdresser first and foremost, it will really narrow the possible ladies you would like to impress.

Just make sure she knows what that "hobby" is before the relationship progresses too far. Sucking her in with that sincere,fun,trusting man thing, and then springing the crossdressing on her could be a recipe for disaster.
You sound genuine in your desires and I am sure from what you have said already that you will go about it in the right way.

[Vickii*]

Thanks everyone, lots of this really hits home.

For the record me and my ex girlfriend were together for more than two years. I was in love with her, but our personalities didn't match up and we would butt heads a lot, but a bit of it was because i had sour feelings because i couldn't share my crossdressing with her.

I'm going to have to take it slow, and I have to have hope.

[Jess_cd32]

I'd say try placing an online add somewhere that accepts cd's on their site.
At least that way there's no doubt when or if you met someone the cd'ing won't be a negative issue. Good luck.

[mklinden2010]

Vickii,

Two common ways to get to Carnegie Hall:

Take a taxi, or, practice, practice, practice.

You didn't mention your age, but you sound like a young person trying to live by "black or white" when the world is in color.

Trying to drive your way to a relationship by laying down what "you" want is just going to run over most your chances.

Try instead to hit a few notes with a woman at or beyond the age of consent and see how it plays.

Add or subtract notes until you're singing a happy duet with someone who's happy to be with you too.

Meanwhile, if you don't know how or what you are doing, you're going to make a lot of mistakes. The School of Hard Knocks will be open all your life - So, get used to it. All the rest of us go to the same school... Everybody in the world does.

On the bright side, life goes on and so will you. The mistakes you make now will eventually fade into the past - unless they wind up with your name on a birth certificate, marriage license, or, balloon mortgage...

So, by and large, just get on with discovering what you want to do and what works to get there. You may change your mind a million times before you decide, "This is pretty good. I think I'll just leave things be for a while."

Next ten girls and/or guys you talk to, try this: "Say, I want to ask you a question..." and ask them about yourself, or, some news story you saw about (fill in the blank) and see what you can learn about what to do next.

Good luck and good living.

[kellycan27]

You sound as though while being somewhat confused as how to go about achieving it.. you know exactly what you want in a relationship. Stay true to yourself and stay on track.. eventually you'll find it. Don't let yourself be sidetracked by people who suggest you settle for less in the meantime.

[KandisTX]

I think I know what I need, but my problem is, I don't know where to find it, or what to do about it.

I know I'm a heterosexual, so I know I want to be with a woman in an emotional and sexual relationship. My last relationship with a girl fell apart at its seams due to many things, but one of the things that stood out in my mind, was that I couldn't share my crossdressing with her. I had told her that I had crossdressing tendencies, and we had discussed it several times. Her attitude was that, it is indeed a horrible thing to have, but she still loved me, because I loved her, and it was out of my control.

Here's your first problem (highlighted above) from that little statement, it does not appear she loved you for you, but only because you loved her.

I know that this is more to expect from most girls. But I know what I needed. I needed her to completely accept me. I need to have someone who I can share that part of my life with and not feel guilty, because I have been beating myself up for too long, and my ego needs it.

The guilt you feel is unwarranted. Crossdressing is not something to feel guilty about, unless you are breaking the law to do it.

[QUOTE=Vickii*;1659437]Maybe I'm just looking too hard for perfection, and I can't accept a relationship that's imperfect, but I don't know. I have gotten close, but I never had asked my girlfriend straight out if she would share that experience with me, because I knew she wouldn't accept it. [/QOUTE]

You cannot say that because you never asked her so you don't know if she would have accepted it.

Also, on top of that, I was afraid that if I pushed to hard, she would get upset and tell all of my friends, so that added tensions about me talking about it. Even though I knew I could trust her, I still had that fear.

Been there done that.. got the t-shirt and found out who my real friends were. The ones that are still there always have been my friends. The ones that left, never were.

I know what I need, I need a girlfriend that will not only tolerate crossdressing, but accept it fully, and talk about it with me. I will not accept anything less. I just can't. So what do I do? How do I find a girl like that? And if I do find another girl that clicks with me, how do I tell her that that's what I want to do? And what if she gets upset, dumps me, and tells all of my friends? This thought holds me back from pursuing any relationship.

I'm not going to lie, I'm really lonely. I miss having someone to be intimate with. Ever since I dumped my girlfriend I have been terribly lonely, and I can't see any easy answer. I feel almost like my crossdressing tendency is holding me back from finding love, because I know that it is a dealbreaker to most girls, so I don't even bother. How can I get over that? What do I do? Am I just destined to be alone? Is that my fate?

Sorry if this post was a bit scatter-brained, it's hard putting these thoughts together very coherently. I just had to get this off my chest... Any comments would be appreciated.

Take your time. If you go out there searching for that perfect woman, you will never find her. When the time is right, she will be there for you. Trust me on this one.

Kandis

[Kayla Shadows]

She is out there somewhere..You just havn't met her yet.Be patient..but,most of all,be who you are.When you do that and stay true to yourself from the start,there is only knowing you..and that is what will be loved.

I feel myself narrowing possibilities even more with the one answer that I can not provide..or promise.Will I transition?..I dont know.Sometimes I fear what may go wrong...and sometimes I fear that I have nothing left to lose.Why not really be me.Interesting life...I dont know who would stick by me or what to even trust anymore.Quite honestly,I dont know how much more my heart could take right now anyway.I havnt been looking for anything.I guess I'll just be me and time will tell...

Looking back at my life..Id rather be alone and be myself than be with someone and have to pretend to be someone Im not...never again

I myself wouldnt be too worried if someone started telling my friends.If they were my friends from the beginning,Im sure those people would still be there.If not,well,they were never really there were they. I still would not like the person who told very much.If one day ****** was like,"Yeah,**** said you were a transgendered"...Id have to say,"what?Come on,thats the same person who takes acid and talks to the lamps.You really gonna believe that?".."well,I guess not".."good..cuz I am" heehee

[docrobbysherry]

They've all said, in one way or another,
" When u r comfortable with your CDing, you'll find a woman who will be, too".

And since I am NOT, that may be a reason why I haven't found my female soulmate either!

It sounds like u also may be demanding TOO MUCH from your GFs, and yourself! Just liten up, and enjoy the ride! Otherwise, u may be doomed to disappointment, when u finally arrive at the station!

[Brandiwvr]

www.pof.com this site will kick you off for being unusual. try to be foward by saying that you are intouch with your feminin side. will get you a date and maybe more.
first things first. get your girly ways under control or they will control you. find a competent counselor and ask for help. one phone call to your local hospital might get you intouch with one who deals in transgendered issues. very important that you find one that deals with this issue or you will be wasting your time and theres. try writting down the issues before you go, such as i crossdress. then present them. they will not make you uncomfortable. just wanting to help.

[Hope]

It sounds to me like finding a girl who is tolerant of crossdressing is a deal breaker for you in a relationship. No biggie. Everyone has deal breakers. Some guys won't date girls with small boobs, some won't date republicans, it's cool, everyone has their thing - you just need to be upfront about what you need.

Unlike most of the recommendations you have received here - I don't think this is something you take slow in this situation - this is something you need to be relatively up front about. It doesn't need to be a topic for a first date, but you should definitely talk about it before you have sex. i think the recommendation that makes most sense to me is to have the conversation about it around the third date.

The reason you want to do it this early is to be upfront about what you need, AND - if this girl turns out to be intolerant - if you have only invested 3 dates or so in her, knowing that this is a deal breaker for you, you can cut her loose, and you can both go on looking for a more suitable partner for both of you. Both of you can move on without having invested too much in the relationship.

Going slowly and slowly revealing this is only going to prolong your agony if she is intolerant - and diminish the number of girls you can date until you find Mrs. Right. Seriously, be upfront about this from relatively early in the relationship. You own it to her, and more importantly you owe it to yourself.

Now this is going to take some balls from your end. you are going to have to do two things you seem unready to do.

1) you are going to have to come to terms with your own gender identity / CD / whatever. You need to decide that it is not some horrible thing, but instead that it is just one of the things that make you the kick ass person you are. Crossdressing is not cancer - it is fun - and that is the way you should introduce it to your girlfriends. You should not sit her down and have "the talk" you should simply introduce her to this fun part of your personality.

2) You are going to need to clime out of your shell a little bit and be more outgoing. You are going to need to ask more girls out, because you are really going to have to play the numbers until you hit the jackpot. Finding the love of your life is a LOT like playing the lottery. While I don't recommend playing the lottery, it is true that you can't win if you don't play.

[Sarah_GG]

[QUOTE=docrobbysherry;1659605]They've all said, in one way or another,
" When u r comfortable with your CDing, you'll find a woman who will be, too".

I think that statement is spot on. I don't think my SO could tell anyone until he'd finally accepted it in himself. That was well into middle-age and after quite a lot of therapy.

As with all relationships, if you're not happy with yourself why would anyone else be.

Good luck

[Melora]

Hun..
YOUR first paragraph just Says Everything about You..
"it is indeed a horrible thing to have,".. Means that You have soo much to deal in Yourself First, Before any Girlfriend!! Tell Her the Truth!
Katie.

[Di]

They've all said, in one way or another,
" When u r comfortable with your CDing, you'll find a woman who will be, too".
And since I am NOT, that may be a reason why I haven't found my female soulmate either!

I agree totally with the above. And I agree that finding someone to share all of you with is important
Best wishes....feel good about yourself....stop looking at it as if it's a bad thing ( if you are) and when you least expect it...there she will be.
You might even meet her on the boards 6 couples have through the yrs.