Much in the way that I felt at one time I was the only cross dresser in the world sometimes I feel that I am the only one in the world that feels the way that I do now.
I have come to the conclusion that I am more than a cross dresser and less than a transexual. It seems to me, for the most part, that transgender individuals fall into the following camps:
- they dress as a sexual fetish, usually lingerie, hosiery, things of that nature
- they dress for periodic outings with other cross dressing friends to dinners and clubs and the odd shopping run
- they dress completely or almost completely within the confines of their home with or without the knowledge or support of their girlfriend or wife
- they realize that they are not cross dressers and transition to become women, taking hormones, coming out to the world, having SRS and eventually becoming as close as current day science can get to a full time functional woman
I seem to have found myself in a category that so far has a very small population and I am trying to find others who feel and want to live as I do.
Through my journey I have reached a point where I can see that I have no real issue with my male biology, I have no urgent requirement to change through surgery. So I guess what I am saying is that I do not feel like I am in the wrong body. On the other hand I am no longer able to feel comfortable dressing and playing the male role. I do not find that I can return to my male life without a great sense of discomfort. It is at those moments that I realize that I am not in the wrong body, I am in the wrong gender.
To clarify, as I am still trying to understand this myself. I have found through the past year plus now that I have been out on my own and able, within my private life, to dress as much as I like in femme mode that it is becoming very natural for me to be that way. When I have to change into a male representation such as when I visit my kids, my mother or at times when with my now ex-girlfriend, I felt like I was in the wrong clothes.
This need to dress female more and more is not a pink fog, because I have had a chance to do this for such a long time freely and I never feel the need to dress male. What I am finding is that this outward expression of being female resonates with my soul.
Now I have been thinking about taking the next step and going 100% femme in my life (with kids, family and work). One big obstacle that was stopping me was my ex-girlfriend. While she had become quite accepting and tolerant of my dressing in private and the odd public outing together, she was not able to accept me being that way 100% of the time. This created a dilema for both of us because I had an innate need to be me and she did not want to compromise me being me. It was noble of her to step back and give me room to think about this and sometimes I feel that it is selfish that I am considering this and yet I know how unhappy I was in my last long term relationship where I had to compromise who I was and I did not want to repeat history.
It is a tough road we travel.
Anyway, to the point of the matter. I am very curious and I have asked in a variety of ways before without totally connecting with the answer that I seek, are there others out there that are contemplating going 100% full time dressing as a female or who are living that way now who are NOT planning on SRS or taking hormones or having any major surgical procedures. I am trying to see if there is a community of others out there like me who are happy with their male form and fully express as a female.
I am trying to see, based on my failed attempts at relationships where I have tried to gravitate towards my femme self, if I am travelling a road with others who can help provide me with some insights into the challenges that they face(d). I do not know if what I seek is an impossibility in a world that seems to define gender in such a binary way. I am pretty confident that I will continue down this road as it seems that I am compelled to do so, I am just curious to learn from others and in the end I may find that surgery and hormones may be the only path that leads me to a place where I can feel normal and happy.
Huggs
Melissa
