Alert! Co-Worker is a Bartender at Place I go!

[Marissa Mae]

Just what I needed...

I try to keep Marissa and my male side completely separate, as I am sure most CD'ers do with their female/male sides when intertwining them could lead to disastrous consequences. Well, I thought I was ok, and I probably am still ok, but my feathers are a little ruffled after last weekend, when I discovered that a bartender at the GLBT bar I frequent turned out to be a co-worker! Now, this person isn't someone I directly work with; she is more like an assistant to a manager, way above me, but I still run into her regularly in the halls. When I first saw her, I couldn't be sure, since she looks a little different than she does at work. But last time I went I asked a waiter, and he confirmed it to be so.

It's that "OH SH*T" feeling, when your perfect little world is about to implode. I kept it cool, faded into the background and went about my business, but wondering if she clocked me Luckily I didn't open my tab, otherwise my last name would have shown up on the tabs.

Now, I look at this two ways: 1, just avoid the hassle and stop going there to avoid being outed at work by her, or 2, this could be a boon, a possible "confidant" at work and out on the town, so to speak #2 would be the best, obviously, but should I risk exposing my 'secret'? I work in the Gov't sector, have a clearance, and this could be trouble (couldn't it?) if she were to blab.

So what do you all think? Has anyone been in this situation, and if so, what happened?!

[Mary Morgan]

As one who spent an entire career in gov't service, I'd say let it alone, but be prepared to respond if necessary. My view is that your personal business is strictly on a "need to know" basis. Don't lie, but don't feel like you have to spill your soul either.

[Lorileah]

What kind of establishment is this? If it is a CD friendly place like it sounds to be, then why quit going. I am sure she doesn't work every shift so you could plan that way or...bartenders are sorta like doctors. They keep secrets so they can get tips. She wouldn't out you unless you have done something to make her do that.

She may not even recognize you and that is why they make cash.

You have to make the call on telling her but I would not stop going to my favorite place just because someone you know works there. Would your co-workers quit going there on the off chance they might get drunk and make asses of themselves?

[Angel.Marie76]

I'd add to all this that the likelihood that a person who bartends at a local LGBT bar is likely either (or all the above) A) A Supporter, B) is good friends with people who fit the bill C) tolerant of the realities of being 'out'.

Granted, that's just an A$$-umption on my part, however like Lorileah said, she's likely to keep her mouth shut too in respects to her tips / job respect. Think of it this way perhaps: Would you, as a CD/Trans person, be okay with going to a club where a bartender is likely to go and flap her gums to the rest of the world and out you? As a bartender, do you think she's likely to keep her job if she gets the reputation of shatting on people's personal lives outside of the bar?

$.02

[Karren H]

Maybe you can get free drinks!!!

[Marilynn]

She's working in a gay bar after her corporate job gets out, and you're afraid that she'll find out about you? I suppose that's progress of a kind.

[DonnaT]

As mentioned before, it is not likely she will recognize you.

It doesn't sound like you've ever had much interaction with her at work, but instead, just passed each other in the halls.

As for security, as long as you don't lie about anything there should be no problems. One question they will usually ask is if there is anything in your life you have to hide from others. Just answer, no. But usually, once you've already received a clearance, they won't come around again asking if you have any secrets.

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

I wouldn't worry about it. Mentioned already... a couple of times, it's true. She probably won't recognize you. Why would she? She's not looking for you and your femme self is just another person at the bar to her. Avoid close contact and you should be fine, I would think.

Perhaps try to feel her out somehow. Figure out a way to see if she'd be cool with you on both sides of the gender spectrum. Not sure how to go about that, but I think it would be cool if you had a friend working there instead of just a co-worker.

[celtic.blue.eyes]

Maybe she would be mortified knowing that one of her co-workers knew she worked in a gay bar. In any case, the chances are that she is quite understanding of other life styles. Could it be that she is living one of those life styles also? You could try going in there in drab and strike up a conversation with her.

[beenherelongtime]

if she is working in a gay bar, there is a good chance she is gay herself, or at least tolerant and she wouldn't like people to know of her second job. also unless she is maliceous, why would she tell.

[obsessedwithpantyhose]

life is sooooo much simpler when everyone you know knows about you

[Tina B.]

Unless you could be subject to blackmail to keep your secret, it should have little effect on your security clearance. But of course that could depend on what you are cleared for!
But then the same would go for her and why she works in a gay bar. I would doubt that it would be that big of an issue, but of course you could get outted to other co wokers, you can never be 100% sure about that.
Tina

[~Kelly~]

Do you suddenly feel compelled to run to work and "out" her by telling everyone that she works at a gay bar? Why would she feel any differently about you? I am merely assuming (and I know that can be dangerous) that she is either gay or bi just in the fact that she works there. Is she open about her sexuality at work? If not and she is trying to keep this quiet then how could she possibly explain how she even knows about you without "outing" herself? Honestly, I wouldn't worry about it. She is obviously ok with it. Neo-Nazis don't go to Synagogue just as the homo/trans-phobes don't typically work at gay bars. Your secret is safe with her.

[nvlady]

I once found out about a CD that was in the military. He got very nervous that someone else knew because that could end his career, and the GG who let it slip to me asked me very strongly to not say anything.
My reply was that if I told anyone the first response would be "How do you know?", and of course my reply would be "Well the girl that was doing my makeup the other night told me."
OOPS
Maybe a discreet inquiry as to the sexual preference of the bartender? Not asking the bartender directly, but some of the bar patrons.

[Karen564]

I really dont see why you panicked over this at all, Believe me when I say that your little secret is safe with her, and actually, she may be the one that gets nervous if she saw you, just for fear of telling your co-workers that she works in that bar..
Next time you go there, I think you should re-introduce yourself to her ..I bet you'll make a new friend after that..

[JoAnne Wheeler]

If she tends bar at a GLBT, then she probably has some secrest too - I would

not bring it up, but If she does, you can aleays her why she bartends in a

GLTB bar

JoAnne Wheeler

[Annemarie]

I'm a little surprised that she works there. In my experience (GB) a worker in the government sector would be unlikely to have permission to do a second job, particularly in a bar.

So perhaps at this very moment she's writing a thread on a GBLT website that runs:

Well, I thought I was ok, and I probably am still ok, but my feathers are a little ruffled after last weekend, when I discovered that a client at the GLBT bar where I bartend turned out to be a co-worker!

Now, this person isn't someone I directly work with; I am an assistant to a manager, way above him, but I still run into him regularly in the halls.

It's that "OH SH*T" feeling, when your perfect little world is about to implode. I and went about my business, but wondering if he clocked me.

I work in the Gov't sector, have a clearance, but I'm not supposed to work elsewhere, especially not for a GBLT bar and this could be trouble if he were to blab.

Moral: live and let live.

Very funny !

[tricia_uktv]

When I came out to HR at work they asked the question. What if you were noticed by a colleague in Manchester (where I dress)? The only answer I could think of was "so be it" and that remains true.

I suppose we run the risk whenever we dress in public. I'd have a chat to her, as a male, and see where the land lies.

[Marissa Mae]

Whew! Lots of good responses, ladies! Makes me feel more comfortable asking all of you for advice I think I need to clarify one or two things quick: we are gov't contractors, and she is isn't in any position above me (she is an admin assistant to a manager). We have some interaction, but not like I would if she were on my team (tough to explain).

Anyways, not sure what I will do at this point, but I won't stop going there just because of her. I like the idea that she as as much to keep confidential as I do, so my secret is more than likely safe. Should I reintroduce myself?! AHHHH!!! We'll see what happens next time after a few drinks and inhibitions are nullified

[Laura Evans]

My two cents is to not approach her. Enjoy yourself and pay your tab. If she recognizes your name let her do the approaching and see where it goes.

[sallyjones]

if she works at a gay bar thats the one. you have someone to talk to and possibly a new best friend. approach this one careefully but once the cat is out of the bag, hard to put said cat back into the bag.(just tr that with a real cat).

[PretzelGirl]

I think I am missing something on some of these posts. If she is working at a gay bar, she doesn't have to be gay. She actually doesn't even have to be accepting. She just has to act it. All she has to be, is in need of money. It's a job, not a lifestyle choice.

[boardpuppy]

Be careful but don't push it either. Let her do the approaching....some discrete inquiries wouldn't hurt just so you have a full id on the person you are dealing with.

Hugs,
Alice

[Greymancd]

My two cents are to keep going to the bar she is not likely to recognize you because she is not looking for you. The other thing is pay as you go and then your name will not go up on any tab!

[Marissa Mae]

My two cents are to keep going to the bar she is not likely to recognize you because she is not looking for you. The other thing is pay as you go and then your name will not go up on any tab!

Agreed, thats my plan for future outings to the bar I

I don't know her orientation or her frame of mind, so I can't say that I am eager to out myself to her. Like a lot of you have stated, it is probably just a better thing to act oblivious to her unless she makes contact with me.

Here's to hoping she makes contact