Told her... ugh not good

[KateC]

More update.........***********

So... I really need help, I'm sorry to bug everyone and not go to a therapist etc.

Not good talks today, but I said lets talk more in coming days. Things have come to the point she and also I'm thinking we need a break or something or have to end it. She said she can't accept the way I am, like how I want to go out. Also despite this, there are the other problems we have BUT she claims it's not that big deal and could have been dealt with eventually. I somewhat agree on that point.

Near the end of the 2-3 hour conversation basically got to the point again on trying to salvage things but seeing *what* I am or how extensively this goes. This is where I really need help. Honestly I don't know if I've been denying myself for the past decades because just recently I've been going out and before that only about 1-2 years max I was experimenting with fully looking like a girl.. well because I had the money and chance.

She suggests that maybe because I'm lonely since she's away and I'm doing it. could that be true? But I do enjoy doing this but maybe I didn't really *need* it? I'm there on the phone talking to her also looking at a woman's magazine trying to figure out what is so alluring about a woman or wanting to become or look like one. I need help on this.

Like I *KNOW* there is something in me that's CD/TS/TG whatever, but alot of it has been shaped by society/culture/media etc. So maybe I don't really need all of what I'm doing and if that is the case maybe my relationship can still survive. It's really that or it's going to end, and after over a decade, I think most people would like it to keep going.

Anyways please help, don't give me those "see a therapist" or "you decide" because I find I'm really influenced by others lol. I want a unbiased view of what's going on...

Thanks all =)







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*Updated Post*

I won't get into how I told her, basically just told her yesterday and the end result that came out of it was that she wasn't rejecting it or not unaccepted. It was OK as in terms of trying to understand it, she kept asking me what did I want to do.

The main things really that came up are these points, I'll summarize them since I need to anyways for my own records, I'm so messed up I don't even know what's what anymore.

-She doesn't feel good about how I've been hiding this so long and never told her, despite the reasons: denying myself of what I am, thinking it'll go away. Scared to see reaction.

-I hid stuff before, did stuff without her knowing that isn't related to this, so it bothers her alot about the hiding stuff.

-The fact I told her, "I don't know", makes her unsure of the future because obviously like many said here and what the FAQ sticky posts said, is that most women who want to get marry have a life etc, want their future to be somewhat defined and sure: Like having a husband that still wants to be a husband, children, etc. Since I said "I don't know" who or what I am 100%, there's uncertainty that I might change or realize 5 years or 10 years down the road that I am TS or want to be woman full time, SRS, transition, the works.

-Our other issues and problems we have anyways before this came up, how I am as a BF/partner and roles I do. I am not that great and there's lot of stuff she doesn't like or not happy about, but same for me, despite these we still think it's not too bad to end it. Mainly alot because she thinks the stuff she dislikes about me is easy to change. I think I act the way I do is partly do to my hidden CDing which since now I told her, can help me be a better person. Though since it is NOT all related, I still have some issues myself on how my personality is.

-"Who am I", like in my other post. I'm not sure if I'm again lying to myself or in denial but I *THINK* I know more or less what I am in respect to being in the spectrum of a CD and TS. What I think is that, I don't think I will stray much further from what I am right now, like I won't need to go SRS or become 24/7 female and that just sometimes being female is ok. The "Who am I" is, basically fine tuning of what this is, how much more to add to it, or less (activities, who to come out to, what to do). THIS IS WHAT I THINK though, I'm asking all of you, do you think I'm lying to myself again about this? (Please no "see a therapist" comments)

-I have myself mixed feelings of what I want to do, like there's a part of me saying, just let her decide, maybe it's better off we're not together because of the other underlying problems, regardless of how "easy" it is to fix. Another part of me is saying to just stay together because there's still stuff I enjoy being together and we've been together 12 years. The other part is also, maybe I need to be alone to be able to figure out who Kate is and being able to do that easier is alone. So it's very pulling in all directions.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I might keep updating this post so please keep checking on this one if you want to see updates.

I don't know honestly, I'm really messed up now, I don't know what exactly I want for Kate and don't know what I want for my male self or relationship.

Don't know what to write right now.

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[Sedona]

I dunno. Depends on how long you've been together, if you're in love, if you've done anything to violate her trust in the past. Only you and she truly know. Just don't be too aggressive, and let her come to you with most of the questions.

[jennCD]

Hard to say really,.. my wife has known for almost 2 years now and overall it's been evenly more on the negative side than the positive side the whole time. That being said, I have no fear that our lives together will suffer any long term damage and we both expect to grow old together....

... it's all a matter of how strong your relationship is to begin with.


jenn

[Greymancd]

Hang in there. Mine thought that she would have to leave me until she talked to her best friend. Now she even helped me buy shoes yesterday. You just never know what is going to happen. I agree with Sedona just do not be too aggressive now let her come to you.

[tinachristina]

So... told her... wasn't good time and she didn't respond well... more of because she can't trust me and I was hiding etc, and how I change my mind all the time, and how we have relationship issues beforehand

I don't know what's next now... relationship over?

What can you wise women tell me what can I do to explain to her...

In my opinion, this is a time to hang in and take it slowly one at a time . Considering the way women feel about their hubbies/ bf it is impossible to gain acceptance at the first time . Even with accepting wife, it took her some time to understand my need . Though it helped that we loved each other but sometimes Tina's tauntrums were bad ( all because of anxiety, depression , guilt etc.). I have been doing CDing in secret for last 20 years and my wife knows it only from 5 years.

It was difficult to balance all side ( male / female/ mixed ) but a lot of love from both sides help us cope. Be positive, be optimistic and be sensitive. Every thing will be fine .

Tina

[KateC]

I don't know, problem is I DON'T know myself, like in my other post..

I said I'm not sure if I'm TS/TG whatever.. I dont' think I am but I'm not 100% sure, and I told her this which made her unsure... also the fact I hid this etc....

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

So... told her... wasn't good time and she didn't respond well...

Timing is everything. There is no "perfect time" to explain things, but you really should have tried for at least a good time.

...more of because she can't trust me and I was hiding etc, and how I change my mind all the time, and how we have relationship issues beforehand

Why can't she trust you? Is it because you kept your cding a secret or are there other issues coming into play? I would think the cding thing is understandable, given how society tends to treat this kind of thing and how confusing it is even to many of us. Let her know that aspect of things.

I don't know what's next now... relationship over?

You may have to face that. Would you be ok with that? I mean, I know it would hurt, but do you believe you could make it or are you thinking it would be like the end of the world? The latter is very bad, and I've felt like that before as relationships have crumbled, but I also survived and you will too.

What can you wise women tell me what can I do to explain to her...

I don't really have any great advice. I wish I did.

You told her, but your timing seems to have been bad and you seem to be uncertain of things in your own life. This is not a good combination and you may soon face some difficult times.

Regardless of how your relationship works out, I suggest you really take a good look at yourself and figure out where YOU sit with your own life. If you're confused about how you feel or your cding, etc., then how can you expect a girlfriend to be understanding? Personal instability can easily create instability in a relationship. So long as you're uncertain about yourself (if that is the case), your relationships will suffer as a result. I know this first hand as I engaged in several relationships while I was still a very confused and lost person myself. They usually failed and it was my own fault (more or less) because of my insecurities.

There's no magical solution. There is no advice anyone can give you that will really work until you come to terms with who you are and stop "changing your mind" frequently. At least show stability even if you don't feel it. That will help some.

Good luck. I hope you can work things out with your girlfriend, but be prepared for the worse. Just remember - the world is a very big place AND there are plenty of very fine women who would be very happy to date a crossdresser. That's the truth.

[KateC]

Thanks for the reply.

Yeah I'm basically more or less know what I am but I just get confused because of how I feel emotionally. I actually feel unhappy now and don't even want to dress right now. So I don't really know what that means.

Sorry for the short responses but I just can't really think or write stuff now =/

[bruno]

be open and honest to her!answer all her questions,I am sure she has loads right now!try to explain to her that you didn't do anything intensionally to hurt her and that it's sth you were born with!give her time to deal with all the new information but be by her side and make her understand that you want to be with her and only her!but first of all be honest with yourself!good luck!

[Donna Marie]

When I told my missus we were separated and working on getting back together. I figured I needed to get that out before she found out the hard way. It seemed to have gone really well that night. But later she said she just didn't want to think about it - ooops. Since then she has come around to saying she understands it better and she may be more open to it now. We remain separated for a lot of other reasons, but are good friends and have traveled together often. I have pretty much kept my femme side to myself from her and that has worked so far. As I have become more open I am not sure how long that will last.

But do give it some time - your SO will need time to process her feelings about you and about CD in general. Don't be pushy about it - let her pick her own pace about whether and when to accept you as you are. Free advice and worth every penny of it!!

[Di]

So... told her... wasn't good time and she didn't respond well... more of because she can't trust me and I was hiding etc, and how I change my mind all the time, and how we have relationship issues beforehand
I don't know what's next now... relationship over?
..

Guess time will tell.........if with the other issues she wants to try.
BUT the trust thing is a biggie for most partners......so if I was you...I would say...I hid it because I was afraid and I wanted you to know SO there would be no more hiding lies.....and then be upfront from here on out.
And tell her you are not sure yourself / that you are confused
but want to share with your partner what is happening.\

And if SHE wants to know more and talk to other partners....send her to us...that helps alot when they understand things a little better and have other gg's to get things sorted and see it is not that big of a deal.

Things will prob be up and down for a bit but at least now you can work on things together.


ADD / YOU SAID........"Anyways please help, don't give me those "see a therapist" or "you decide" because I find I'm really influenced by others lol. I want a unbiased view of what's going on."

Do not mean to be disrespectful here...but thats boggles my mind.......no two people are alike..........how can someone else tell you what you are feeling AND what you should do about your marriage and about how far you want to go?

[CharleneT]

Read carefully Di's reply, thar's gold in them thar hills !

It sounds like the "telling" didn't go well, now if you *want* that relationship, you still have a chance to help it heal.

Good luck !

[Patricia1]

The understanding & accepting has to be on her part. You did your part by honestly coming forward. Patience & talk.

[Sheila]

Kate, give her time to digest this new news.

IS your relationahsip over ............ can't anwser that one for you hun, that is for your Gf, or you, or both of you tog to decide, but a question ..... do you want it to be over ? ............. I know there are other issues going in in your relationship, so iof your GF ended it would yhay ,ake it easier for you to explore fully where Kate is now and where Kate might want to be ?

[KateC]

I'm just in a very emotional state to be honest... I was crying and everything talking about it. I'll update the OP.

[Karren H]

Its taken me years to rebuild the trust that was lost on that fateful day... That's been the hardes part.. She got over "I'm married to a pervert" fairly well.. Kind of... She doesn't turn off the TV or run out of the room when the Transvestite Taco Bell commercial comes on now!!

I'd say you have to start over and rebuild the trust issue.. And work on her being not totally repulsed by you hobby! The outcome doesn't look promissing if the hsitory of those that have come before you are any indicator.. But there are exceptions.. Its just going to take a lot of time and work on your part and hers... Good luck..

[KateC]

Added the stuff on OP.

[ReineD]

-I have myself mixed feelings of what I want to do, like there's a part of me saying, just let her decide, maybe it's better off we're not together because of the other underlying problems, regardless of how "easy" it is to fix. Another part of me is saying to just stay together because there's still stuff I enjoy being together and we've been together 12 years. The other part is also, maybe I need to be alone to be able to figure out who Kate is and being able to do that easier is alone. So it's very pulling in all directions.

If you choose to update your OP, just add the updates to the bottom with an edit note so people do not feel they need to read the entire post again. I'm asking some difficult questions below, but they are not meant to be answered here and now. They are the things you need to think about if you are not sure about your future gender.

I understand your mixed feelings and why it might seem easier for you right now to 'let her decide'. But you have a stake in it too and I hope you do not forget that. If you allow yourself to become overwhelmed and you let go of your relationship by allowing your SO believe there is a chance she might lose her guy, have you considered your options to be in future relationships as a 24/7 woman ... with another GG, a TG, or a man?

If it helps, can you imagine not ever being a guy again: interacting with your co-workers, your friends, your parents, siblings, as a woman? If you have any hobbies or play sports, would you like to enjoy these activities as a woman? Would you like to not have the option as to how you might present yourself in any situation; not be able to revert to guy mode if you wanted to? If you think you 'might' want to live 24/7 in the future (with or without SRS), would you be OK with potentially being rejected (or treated 'differently') by some people who will sense you are not a GG, or would you want FFS in order to remove any ambiguity over your birth gender? If not FFS, might you want to take hormones and live with the effects they have on your male sexuality? Do you want breasts?

Or, would you be happy living just as you look right now but full time femme, regardless of how others see you? Would you develop the inner confidence and become at peace just within yourself with who you are, and not care what others think?

If you believe there is a possibility you'd be happy living under the above conditions and your SO is clear that she cannot stay with someone who may want to transition one day, then by all means let her go.

One last consideration: might there be a possibility that everything femme looks rosy right now because you've not had the complete freedom to express yourself as far or as much as you've wanted to? Is there a possibility you are idealizing your life as a woman? Would your SO give you a chance to experiment as much as you want for a set period of time so you can find out?

I know there are people in this forum who have made the decision to live 24/7 and it appears they are happy. But I've read posts from people who have gone all the way to discover it wasn't what they thought it would be and they've regretted their decisions. You might want to post in the TS section and ask some very basic questions.

I'm glad you've decided to face these questions with your SO.

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

Thanks for the reply.

Yeah I'm basically more or less know what I am but I just get confused because of how I feel emotionally. I actually feel unhappy now and don't even want to dress right now. So I don't really know what that means.

I'd guess that you feel guilty about who you are because of your girlfriends negative reaction to things. That is probably why you don't want to dress - you're feeling bad because of how she made you feel (or maybe just because of how you think she feels about you) and now you associate that with your own desire to dress and therefore don't want to dress. Your guilty feelings are unfounded though. I know it's very real - the way you feel, but please understand that one should never feel guilty for being who they are. You should feel more guilty if you pretended to be someone that you're not. Then you're living a lie and not being true to your love interest. Whether or not your girlfriend is happy with your crossdressing - at least you came clean and at least you're not lying. Keeping it a secret or pretending it doesn't exist is a lie and the lie is something to feel bad about, not the truth.

Sorry for the short responses but I just can't really think or write stuff now =/

Relax. You told your girlfriend. She didn't react well to it. You're uncertain about things because of her reaction and you feel bad about the whole thing. It's ok to feel bad, but honestly, I think it is unwarranted.

I know the emotional roller coaster ride associated with my own feminine side. Try to tell yourself that it's ok. Seriously - everything is ok. You're just taking a walk through some uncharted emotional territory and it's scary. We all go through it and we all survive. You'll survive it too. Trust me.

Try to take it easy, Kate. Don't let your mind get the best of you.

[Presh GG]

As A gg And s/o I hope tell you tell her as much as you can . It's the NOT knowing that is worse for us . Our imagination can be far scaryer than the truth.
But that's true of life.
I hope you're OK
springtime gg

[KateC]

If you choose to update your OP, just add the updates to the bottom with an edit note so people do not feel they need to read the entire post again. I'm asking some difficult questions below, but they are not meant to be answered here and now. They are the things you need to think about if you are not sure about your future gender.

I understand your mixed feelings and why it might seem easier for you right now to 'let her decide'. But you have a stake in it too and I hope you do not forget that. If you allow yourself to become overwhelmed and you let go of your relationship by allowing your SO believe there is a chance she might lose her guy, have you considered your options to be in future relationships as a 24/7 woman ... with another GG, a TG, or a man?

Of course I still know I have a stake in it. I have thought about it and to be honest my sexual orientation is 85% towards females. Generally I guess I can call myself Bisexual... 15% able to be with a man, at least as another man, but if I was a woman, I can probably extend that to about 50-60%. There's no real "strong physical" attraction like I have for women but I guess if he made me feel like a woman it'll help but that's about it. TG I would consider them their changed gender, not a "TG".

If it helps, can you imagine not ever being a guy again: interacting with your co-workers, your friends, your parents, siblings, as a woman?

I can somewhat, I am OK being a woman interacting to people of work or friends etc, of course not NOW but if I had to, Yeah I'm ok.

If you have any hobbies or play sports, would you like to enjoy these activities as a woman? Would you like to not have the option as to how you might present yourself in any situation; not be able to revert to guy mode if you wanted to? If you think you 'might' want to live 24/7 in the future (with or without SRS), would you be OK with potentially being rejected (or treated 'differently') by some people who will sense you are not a GG, or would you want FFS in order to remove any ambiguity over your birth gender? If not FFS, might you want to take hormones and live with the effects they have on your male sexuality? Do you want breasts?

I would enjoy my hobbies as a girl, now if I need to revert back I might regret that. Being rejected or treated differently might affect me a bit but not so much. I'm not sure on FFS, hormones I think not really because they affect my male sexuality. Breasts I do want if I was 24/7 woman, now no because it'll look out of place as a male.

Or, would you be happy living just as you look right now but full time femme, regardless of how others see you? Would you develop the inner confidence and become at peace just within yourself with who you are, and not care what others think?

I wouldn't live 100% full time, I don't think that's what I want right now or later even, like at home I don't need to be femmed up really, I can just be myself? I'm not sure. I don't care what others think that much is why I have the courage to go out lol.

If you believe there is a possibility you'd be happy living under the above conditions and your SO is clear that she cannot stay with someone who may want to transition one day, then by all means let her go.

Well I wrote my responses!

One last consideration: might there be a possibility that everything femme looks rosy right now because you've not had the complete freedom to express yourself as far or as much as you've wanted to? Is there a possibility you are idealizing your life as a woman? Would your SO give you a chance to experiment as much as you want for a set period of time so you can find out?

I know there are people in this forum who have made the decision to live 24/7 and it appears they are happy. But I've read posts from people who have gone all the way to discover it wasn't what they thought it would be and they've regretted their decisions. You might want to post in the TS section and ask some very basic questions.

Yeah that's what I think I might be doing, idealizing or glamorizing being a woman. You know all the makeup, clothes, shopping and stuff, but not really "female". Just the fun stuff. I want to know though, how can I tell if I'm really thinking like this rather than really *WANT* to be a woman? How can I tell the difference? And I think my S/O would probably let me explore...but what would I need to do to explore though?

I'm glad you've decided to face these questions with your SO.

[ReineD]

Yeah that's what I think I might be doing, idealizing or glamorizing being a woman. You know all the makeup, clothes, shopping and stuff, but not really "female". Just the fun stuff. I want to know though, how can I tell if I'm really thinking like this rather than really *WANT* to be a woman? How can I tell the difference? And I think my S/O would probably let me explore...but what would I need to do to explore though?

Absolutely! There is a huge difference between doing all the 'fun' female stuff and living a woman's life. How can you tell? Go out there dressed. A lot. Interact with people in many different circumstances, doing everyday stuff .. grocery shopping, fixing things, running out to the hardware store for something, going to the post office, grabbing a bite at a fast food place. You will find after a while that you will fare best if you wear regular women's clothing rather than being dressed to the nines with spike heels, mini-skirts, glam makeup, or whatever your ideal may be. Make plans to go somewhere dressed and give yourself 30-45 minutes to get ready as you would if you were doing this regularly and were rushed for time in between commitments or obligations. Do your best to be honest with yourself as to how your life would look outside of the clubs, shopping, salons, or other glam places and experience dealing with regular people who are also rushed and going about their business. You may find you are not treated any differently in either gender.

Then you will know. Also, do as much as you can with your gf. I'm glad she is willing to explore with you how far you can take this. It really is the only way to know.

[KateC]

ReineD, do you have any suggestions on what to do, I've written more but I think no one really saw the post =(

I'm really lost right now and I don't know anymore of anything.

[DonnaT]

sounds like you both need to take things a little slow, but not hidden. See what transpires after she's known for a little bit, and has had time to interact face-to-face with you and with the knowledge.

It could take quite a while for her to accept this part of you, so be patient. No rash decisions.

[vivianann]

I agree with ReineD's post 100%. I have been living up to 3 weeks at a time 24/7 as a woman. I dress as a GG would going grocery shopping, repairing things, visiting friends, car shows, I even go to auto auctions enfemme, and peaple treat me as if nothing is out of the ordinary. I dress to blend in, and it works well for me, I am not on hormones, and I do not want SRS, however I do want to live 24/7 as a woman and am working toward that goal, I do reallize that at certain times I may have to revert back to male mode.
For me the positives of living as a woman far outweigh the negatives, for me the only real negative is finding a woman who is willing to get into a relationship with me living as a woman, I am only attracted to GG's. I do reallize I am asking for a tall order here, but I am willing to go through the trials dealing with my lifestyle, because like I have said living as a woman has helped me in so many ways, the biggest thing for me living as a woman is it has cured my depression, peaple who know me before and after tell me I am more relaxed, and my personality has blossomed since my coming out to everybody, I have been told by many peaple that they prefer my femme persona, that is a plus for me.
Living as a woman is not about the fancy clothes, or the shopping, or the glam, it is not all roses. There will be challenges, and you must be willing to deal with those challenges, you cannot be timid about this, and you must not let the put downs get to you, once in a while that does happen, you must have thick skin or you will not be able to deal with this.
And as ReineD has said you need to find out what works best for you and your SO. Living full time is not for everyone because we all have different situations or lifestyles.