Blackmail

[Thalia]

I decided after 15 years of marriage that I should 'come out' to my wife. I was afraid she would discover all the clothing I had hidden in the attic and I wanted to continue attending cder social events. It was becoming to difficult to do so w/o her knowledge. Well, initially I thought it would all work out in the end. She said she would try to incorporate my cding into our marriage. After the initial shock wore off it was replaced with some anger and much disappointment. It's been three months and it isn't getting better, only worse. Now she has me transferring ownership of two of our properties into her name and I'm to sign a notarized letter that if the marriage should end, these two properties are not to be considered marital property and are to remain her's only. If I do not do so, she will expose me to my family (it's our second marriage) and my clients. Unfortunately, she got her hands on a cd with pictures (very incriminating) which was taken following a transformation) and she has all my clothes. To make things worse, before I could erase e-mails, she got to my computer and printed all of them.. She now has these in a safe deposit box and I am certain she will use all this if I fail in any way to comply with her wishes. I did mislead her and I do feel I betrayed her. I'm going to comply because I'm going to try to stay away from cross dressing for as long as I can. Hopefully, I'll be successful. She does not know I post on this forum so hopefully I can continue. I love her and prior to me telling her about my cross dressing, we had what we both considered a wonderful marriage. She truly was/is my best friend and I know she is only being this vindictive because she had no clue and feels betrayed. She says she would not have married me if I had been truthful with her in the beginning. I never gave her a choice because I wanted her so badly.

She says she'll stay with me because her kids love me and we have five (soon to be six) grandkids (all from her children). It's true that they are very close to me and respect me. It would kill me to lose their love and respect.

She is now the one who wears the sexy underwear and I find it is helping me to not feel the need to 'dress' because my sexual needs are being met and then some). In the past (before I told her) she did not wear the sexy underwear to bed. I know she is trying to accept me but I hear her crying herself to sleep and know she is having a hard time with this. However, she does want to stay married and said that if I feel the absolute need, I can wear some of my underwear to bed (and only in our home). She said absolutely no more out of the house.

The reason she wants the property in her name is as added incentive to 'live by the new rules". What do you all think of all of this?

[Karren H]

wow... She's got you for sure.... The golden rule... She who has the gold makes the rules!!

3 months is like no time at all.... I'm at discovery + 4 years and we have worked through the trust thingy pretty well... I'm still no closer to crossdressing at home but I'm not being blackmailed.... My wife has had a hard time too.... and I wouldn't blame her if she left me because she did not sign up for this....

[Lorileah]

you are right it it blackmail of the highest order. The question now comes up is if you like being blackmailed. Sounds like you do. You do not have a marriage here you have a hostage situation. You think she is trying to understand this? No she has you right where she wants you. If all you wanted was someone in sexy panties you went about it all wrong. First thing you do is call a lawyer. Since what you were doing is not illegal, she has no cause to threaten you and force you to give up your property. Get the property back in both names then dump her like a sack of hot rocks. If she loved you this would not have been an issue. Even the most closeted CD here has never been held hostage by a non approving wife.

Smart move would be to get the papers you signed annulled because of coercion and then call your family and tell them what you do. Bottom line grow a pair.

[Tamara Croft]

I think if you agree to this now, you're going to be screwed for life. Do NOT sign over anything, this is blackmail, she is your wife, she is supposed to love you, not screw you for what she can get. Yes she feels betrayed, yes she is hurt, she was lied to for so long, but that does NOT mean she can resort to blackmailing you.

Where will this end? If you sign this over now, what next? Blackmailers don't stop blackmailing, they take and take and take, until there is nothing left. Is that what you want? A life of being blackmailed?

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

The reason she wants the property in her name is as added incentive to 'live by the new rules". What do you all think of all of this?

You're definitely between a rock and a hard place. I would not want to be where you are, but then again, if someone ever pushed me like that, I'd push back so hard, they'd regret ever knowing me. I guess what I'm trying to say is my cding is NOT something to ever use against me. Talk about a sensitive button to push...

Threaten to expose me and... ok, enough of that. Yeah - it angers me. I understand the fear of being exposed, but I have a REAL problem with someone trying to control my life. And I'm exactly the kind of person who would not hesitate to cut off my nose to spite my face. Not when it comes to control issues. No one controls me - not like that.

No one will ever own me. No one will ever control my life. They can kill me, beat me to a pulp, laugh and make fun of me, but NO ONE can ever own me.

So what do I think of this? I think you'd better reveal that you have a backbone and do what must be done. You let anyone push you around like this and you're done. You'll loose all that you have, most importantly your own self respect.

Getting outed is not an easy thing to face, but to me, it would be preferable to being bullied in to BS like this.

Did I mention if someone pushes me I push back with a vengeance?

I'm sorry. I HATE bullies. Wonder if that shows...

Push back, Thalia. Push back or become her b*tch. If you don't push back, then I believe you truly will loose everything.

I'm sorry for the passionate response. Whether or not you like how I put it, I think you know I'm speaking the truth. Since there's no easy way out of this, why not fight your way out with some self-respect intact?

[Sheila]

I hope that in time things will settle down hun & that you can reach a workable compromise, Love and blackmail do not go together, but in the meantime do not sign anything ...... Blackmail is blackmail and giving ito it is not good.

[kellycan27]

Honestly... With friends like her, you don't need enemys. Blackmail, extorsion.
Doesn't sound too much like "she's trying to accept you" to me. More like she's getting ready to take a powder with the whatever she can take with her. I'd talk to a lawyer.... I am sorry, but this whole thing is just WRONG.

[Shelly Preston]

I think you should consult a lawyer ASAP

Being Blackmailed is no way to live

[CharleneT]

Her actions are close to criminal. I do not think they would make the grade for actual blackmail charges though. Still I would see a good lawyer, tomorrow !

She is pushing pretty hard and you believe that she will back off when you do the requested changes. BUT black mailer's have a bad habit of coming back for more later, again and again. If I were you I would consider fighting back. One of the most effective ways of fighting blackmail is to defuse the "threat". You could go as far as "outing" yourself to some of these people. It might be surprising who doesn't react badly. As well, the property, I would not consider for a minute signing that document!! Even though it seems like she has the upper hand, many people do not react well when someone comes around with this sort of 'exposure'. Your friends and customers may not want to hear a word of it. Remind her that if she does "blow the cover", then there will likely be a very unpleasant DOM process - and believe me, the only ones who "win" those are the lawyers. Get to a marriage therapist if she will agree to it.

[Karren H]

Being Blackmailed is no way to live

Yes........ that is unless your forced to wear womens clothing as part of the blackmail!!

[curse within]

Bite the bullet I say and let her expose you if she dares ...My wife tried that on me one time without pictures tho , I told her to go ahead.. Come to find out she didn't have the courage and was very concerned how the children would take it. She could never really hold it over my head unless I pushed it but after years of the threats , I called her on it..

[Tina Dixon]

What a nice gal, NOT!!!! Look stand up for your self, she's probably told people any ways, and pack your stuff and get out and tell her you'll see here in court.

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

She is trying to get you to sign over as much as you will to her. You are vulnerable right now, your'e not out to your parents, friends or clients and you are afraid to have your secret be known to these people. She knows that, so she is blackmailing you to get you to sign over this property into her name, with the stipulation that it not be considered marital property. ( Marital property is a term in Divorce proceedings, take this clue.) Don't sign anything over, you will lose more than you realize. If you sign the property over, she will leave and take it all and will still probably out you, in spite.

Blackmail and coercion is not part of a loving relationship. No matter what you had before this situation, it has changed for the worse. You can try and talk with your wife, but don't sign stuff away and be ready to out yourself to your parents and friends, do it before she does it for you. You can control the fall-out somewhat on how you out yourself to family & friends. You can't control what she would say..

I hope for the best for you. Good luck.

[Senban]

Thalia said - "She does not know I post on this forum"

Don't count on it. Any idea how many trails to this site exist inside your PC and elsewhere? And it wouldn't take much to put two and two together. Hmm, "husband=crossdresser, where might he go?" Let's face it, "www.crossdressers.com" is hardly rocket science, now is it? Your only defence in that case is anonymity i.e. will she recognise "Thalia"? Certainly ask yourself "would she recognise what I've been saying in this thread as pertaining to your (plural) situation?"

Blackmail is a crime and she's using it to criminal advantage. Seek legal advice. As Lorileah said, this is a hostage situation, not a marriage. Don't sign anything, seek legal advice.

An ex-girlfriend (who knew my situation) once tried to threaten me with exposure and yes, she had photos just like your wife has photos of you. She threatened to expose me to all my friends. Know what I did? I did it for her; emailed them all and told them the situation and the facts and even showed them the photos. When someone has a weapon to blackmail you with, deny them their weapon and then look them right in the eye. Never allow someone to control the way you live like that! Better to die on your feet than live on your knees.

[ReineD]

I don't understand your wife at all. How can she be so cold hearted as to blackmail you for ownership of YOUR properties while at the same time tell you she loves you, change the way she dresses for you, and cry herself to sleep? If someone blackmailed me, it would seriously dampen my feelings for them.

Or, were the properties hers before you married? If so, then it is fair that you should sign. If not, then do see an attorney. But even if these are her properties, the blackmail is unforgivable. She might have consulted a lawyer to find out how to protect non-marital property. Is she in the habit of using coercion to get what she wants?

Whatever happens now, it would be difficult for me to trust her in the future. I would question her motives. But, I'm sure she has trust issues as well over not being told about the CDing until now.

My heart goes out to you both, and I hope you find a way to resolve this.

[RWillow]

What happens when you put the property in her name and she tells your family anyway? Get out now while you still can, with something left of your own. Just my $.02.

Renyta

[JulieC]

Now she has me transferring ownership of two of our properties into her name and I'm to sign a notarized letter that if the marriage should end, these two properties are not to be considered marital property and are to remain her's only. If I do not do so, she will expose me to my family (it's our second marriage) and my clients.

For *()#*$()@# sake no. Don't even THINK about signing anything over to her or anything else like that. Do not buckle to this blackmail.

If she's capable of this (and she is) it's fairly likely she's literally screwing you so she can screw you more thoroughly. Don't think with your heart or any lower attachments to your body.

Call a lawyer. Now. NOW.

If she's your best friend, what best friend would you have that blackmails you?

You're in love with someone that's sticking a knife in you multiple times.

Call a lawyer. NOW NOW NOW. And whatever you do do NOT sign anything into her name!!!!!!!!!!

[Senban]

ReineD said - "I don't understand your wife at all. How can she be so cold hearted as to blackmail you for ownership of YOUR properties while at the same time tell you she loves you, change the way she dresses for you, and cry herself to sleep?"

Reine, she's setting up her defence and her legitimate grounds to file for divorce. "Please your honour, I did everything I could to make this marriage work even after I discovered my husband's crossdressing. I wore nice things for him and made love to him and I made lots of effort but eventually I realised it was unbearable and asking me to accept his crossdressing was unreasonable in my belief and so I have to ask for a divorce. Incidentally he's already signed these properties as mine, thank you very much"

[jennifer easton]

Lets look at this for what it is ,you have done nothing illegal, she on the other hand has stolen your pic, your shared propriety, your computer files, and is now in the process of blackmail, so who is in the wrong here, I think a lawyer is the next step, and be prepared to come out, as bad as it sounds now, a month or two it will be over, your life will be back and you won't have to live in fear

[Senban]

Jennifer Easton said - "she on the other hand has stolen your pic, your shared propriety, your computer files"

Stolen the pics? Depends how she got them.

Stolen the shared property? Nope, Thalia was going to sign them over of her own free will.

Stolen computer files? You're on tricky ground there, depends on whether they share a computer, whether she cracked passwords to gain access to emails and forth. But as many couple know each other's passwords, it's unlikely she "stole" access to these computer files.

[Nicole Erin]

So if she did tell whoever about your femme side, well, you could tell your clients that your wife is lieing and with the family, if they really love you they are not going to care what you do in your personal time.

But if she does tell, THEN what will she have to try to scare you with?

[dilane]

Do NOT sign anything!!!

Anybody who would blackmail you and try to extort your property is completely untrustworthy.

Great if you can stick to your deal not to CD anymore, but if you fail, do NOT give her all your property!!!

If she blackmails you, so be it.

Frankly, I'd just as soon tell everyone myself to get it out of the way, because it's only a matter of time, in my opinion.

I'd also contact the DA to see if what she is doing is illegal.

If you want to stay married to her, that's between you and her, but don't let her hurt you any more than you can control.

--Diane

[jeniinnylons]

I would sign it but have added that if she starts the divorce the agreement s null and void. Also have added if she outs you it is null and void.

[Kerrylee61]

Sounds like the Stockholm Syndrome to me.
Kerry

[SouthernBelle.GG]

Now she has me transferring ownership of two of our properties into her name and I'm to sign a notarized letter that if the marriage should end, these two properties are not to be considered marital property and are to remain her's only. If I do not do so, she will expose me to my family (it's our second marriage) and my clients.

Oh hell no! Don't do this. Sounds to me that she's already made up her mind to leave and take everything.

Unfortunately, she got her hands on a cd with pictures (very incriminating) which was taken following a transformation) and she has all my clothes. To make things worse, before I could erase e-mails, she got to my computer and printed all of them.. She now has these in a safe deposit box and I am certain she will use all this if I fail in any way to comply with her wishes. I did mislead her and I do feel I betrayed her. I'm going to comply because I'm going to try to stay away from cross dressing for as long as I can.

Ummm, again, she's getting all her ducks in a row to leave you. She just wants to make sure it all goes her way when she does. That's why she's protecting her 'evidence'.

Sure she could be just lashing out in the worst possible way to make you stop CDing, but geez, I don't think so. I know you feel badly for not telling her sooner...or even telling at all now, but open your eyes.

She says she would not have married me if I had been truthful with her in the beginning.

Big flashing red warning sign.

She says she'll stay with me because her kids love me and we have five (soon to be six) grandkids (all from her children).

I believe she's just telling you what she thinks will keep you from suspecting her true intentions.

She is now the one who wears the sexy underwear and I find it is helping me to not feel the need to 'dress' because my sexual needs are being met and then some).

Yeah, but for how long do you think this is going to keep up? I say until you get served. Sorry, but that's how I'm seeing this all go down.

I know she is trying to accept me but I hear her crying herself to sleep and know she is having a hard time with this.

Blackmailing you is not acceptance - it's controlling.

The reason she wants the property in her name is as added incentive to 'live by the new rules". What do you all think of all of this?

Yep, controlling. I say go to a lawyer ASAP and get advice on how to handle this AND don't sign any papers!