Blackmail

[Thalia]

Last night after the deluge of responses I was so overwhelmed that I had to shut off the computer and go to bed. I thank all of you for the show of support and advice. Some of you have been a bit harsh but I understand that no one knows me, or my wife, and you are only getting my side of the story.

My wife and I have been together for a total of 18+ years, married 15+. During all this time she had a very successful career and brought a very, very decent salary into the household. Much of that money was used to acquire our assets. We did not buy much stock but chose to invest in real estate instead. Her job kept her out of the home much of the time and we decided that she would leave her profession about four years ago and spend more time with me. We've both in our early 60s. She began working w/me in my office p/t (which gave her access to all the e mail addresses) and doing a lot of volunteer work in the community. We were then able to travel together.

Ironically, the two parcels she wants in her name only are not the more expensive but were her favorites. She is not a vindictive person and I truly believe she is only trying to protect herself, not hurt me.

I had her complete respect and trust. I never worried about her 'checking up' where I had been on my computer and she never opened my mail. I had plain brown envelopes on the computer w/order forms for c/d clothes and she never even peeked. I'm certain of this because I would have been confronted long ago about my cross dressing.

I don't think it's the cross dressing that is her main concern. I hear what she's saying and it's more about the lack of honesty and the deception. Sneaking away to attend c/d events and the extensive wardrobe which I had cleverly hidden in the attic. I know she was upset to hear I had visited nail salons for manicures and, for some reason, she was especially bothered to learn I went for a fitting for a corset. These are all things that cross dressers do but certainly not the general male population. This causes her to question my sexuallity.

I'm rambling here but I want you all to know that I hear what you're telling me. I will meet with an attorney for some advice very soon. Thank you all for reading this and your responses.

[Stephanie Stephens]

Thalia; Only you know your relationship with your wife. I believe that if this were to happen to me I would make a deal with her about the dressing but I would tell her that "I love you but I will not be black-mailed". It is, to the best of my knowledge, against the law to do what she is trying to do. Good luck.

[obsessedwithpantyhose]

once again ill say....it seems that women would rather us be drunkin wife beaters than crossdresser....
i dont know....

ITS JUST CLOTHES people....


i know none of what im saying helps you,,,,

[susan fuller]

I agree with a lot of the replys. She has already made up her mind to leave and is just stalling to get you to sign over the properties. You can come back from her outing you and you may be in better shape than you think. But you can not get the property back if you sign it over to her. It does not sound right to me. Best of luck on whatever you decide to do. Only you can make that decision. She knows that she cannot win in court and is setting you up since you have done nothing wrong legally.

[Angel.Marie76]

It's good to hear you're at least investigating the attorney options. In at least speaking for myself, you're right when you say we only know your part of the story. When you note your age, 'parcels' as you put it, and other things such as her income being a large part of the overall income, I can tell you that in my experiences an unbalanced income can sometimes show a heavier weight of support at times to her favor. Granted, you've mentioned that you too had supporting income, so at least it's not a 'she gave all - he gave none' situation. I am aware that, certainly with multiple year marriages, that the courts tend to weigh evenly the assets acquired during the wedded periods (esp if you have good lawyers) but that, and often in relation to the ongoing income and expense frames, often the current breadwinner at the time of litigation can argue for ownership of the larger assets IF they can justify maintaining the expenses themselves. Of COURSE I've seen and read the horror stories of ex-wives forcing their husbands to foot the bill for their lavish lives while the men wallow in less-than-pleasant situations. I've also been in the side of 'I make the money right now, and you can't afford to maintain that lifestyle' too.. which leads to alimony. sigh. Thankfully I wasn't married for long enough to give my ex-wife the satisfaction of siphoning more money from me for anything other than child support. In the end, as much as it may sound poorly targeted, the dirt below the surface can keep both people quiet and actually end up causing less problems in the end.

Certainly one of the most important things to stew over when litigation is key is: Can you afford to maintain the cost of that fight through to it's end, and what are you willing to loose because of it? When you mentioned parcels, it sounds like you have other assets to sell... well, what of them? If your wife knew you were willing to leverage property for expense money to fight against her, how would she take that? What happens when you get a lawyer, get another mortgage on one of the properties, and start laying your cards on the table? Might she be intimidated?

Lastly, and trying to be as caring and friendly as possible (perhaps in true devil's advocate fashion to my unpleasantness previous) here, is looking into yourself. How much does your dressing mean to you? WHAT does it mean to you? Does it hold enough weight to be substantiated in court as a Gender Identity issue? I might look into (if you haven't already) speaking with a therapist or councilor, one who has the credentials to stand up for you in court or by deposition. The very first and foremost thing I did when approaching my gender related issues was have someone on my side, and I can tell you that can make ALL the difference. IF things hit the courts and start getting dirty, or heck, even if they don't, it would/might be nice to know that someone of intelligent and certified nature can attest to your mental state/stability.

My response initially is perhaps the opposite to the old saying 'Don't use a canon to kill a mosquito', as another I believe has stated, the military 'shock and awe' approach depending on the target at hand can sometimes have a better outcome at first. However, mediation, conversation, and explanation can sometimes produce results that can be far more favorable. It sounds like you're a fairly business-oriented person, so do what you do best - organize, research, and work towards your best-case ROI scenario.

[Karen564]

Ironically, the two parcels she wants in her name only are not the more expensive but were her favorites. She is not a vindictive person and I truly believe she is only trying to protect herself, not hurt me.

Thalia,
I know & completely understand that all this can be totally overwhelming..

My advise is free, so maybe your getting what your paying for here..

I was with my wife for 25 years, 20 of them married until our divorce about 4 years ago..
We didn't divorce because of my TS issues or anything like that, it was more of a falling out of love thing, I was always faithful to her, & I think she was to me, there wasn't ever any big arguments or anything , but we grew more unhappy with each other as we got older..
But I can say I knew her extremely well, or so I thought I did, she was far from being a mean or evil person, BUT, after she sought council of an divorce attorney & did this before me, she totally changed, and it was like dealing with a totally different person that I didn't know & became money hungry, she wanted more than 1/2 of my estate even though I paid for Everything & worked my ass off to provide a comfortable life, while she contributed zero to our assets..
When we separated, she moved out and left me with our two young girls to take care of, later one night she came by with the separation papers for me to sign, ..I wont go into details on this long document, but she used our children as a bargaining tool to intimidate me because of how the courts favor the woman which she made very clear and make me sign over more than I should of..
So in the end, she walked away with a nice lump of change, while I was left very little to show for my life's hard work..but I did get joint custody of my girls, so it wasn't all bad..

People never want to believe that the person they've loved can do anything bad to them, until it happens..

One saying I heard as a kid from a married guy having problems was, "Love is a Form of Insanity" and it's a very true statement indeed..

It's true that I dont know you or your wife, so it's hard to say exactly what you should do, but there always seem to be similar patterns in divorce before, during & after..and many times these dont come to light from others that experienced it until the after part..
So what I'm saying to you is, I'm seeing a similarity in signs of the before stage in your case... It doesn't mean that it's a definite thing, but is a very possible one..

So OK, she doesn't want the most valuable properties, but if things do end up in divorce, & hopefully for you both it doesn't, it still tips the scales in her favor if the rest of the estate gets split down the middle, I have no idea what the value of the properties were talking about here is, maybe their hardly worth the bother to even worry about.. but if were talking about properties worth more than 200K, that's at least 100K you will never see..
Are these properties by any chance the ones paid for free & clear & the others have loans on them?? It's just something to consider anyway..

But you also have to think about something else here, What exactly is she protecting herself from?? if she has no intention of hurting you, then she has no need to protect herself.. I just cant help but think that shes using your issues against you because she knows your feel so guilty about it and are feeling vulnerable right now...Sorry to say, shes got you where she wants you, right by the gonads..
If she truly wants to stay with you, then you need to sit down with each other & have a good heart to heart talk about the future of your relationship together from this point on as adults and agree to leave the money aspect out of it for now, and then agree that after some time has passed and the relationship has no hope of being repaired then you both can come up with an amlicial way to divide your assets in a fair way that's agreeable to both of you, instead of this forcible way under duress when your not thinking straight..
Blackmail is just so wrong, and I dont see any good comming out of it..

Good Luck..

[Berinthia]

Are the kids out of college?

[JulieC]

Everyone here is assuming Thalia's wife is the bitch. Maybe Thalia is the bitch. We haven't heard Thalia's wfe's side of this.

Some actions do not need to be evaluated in context. Blackmailing someone in the manner in which Mrs. Thalia is doing is inexcusable behavior, regardless of the circumstances.

It's just that those of us who are happily married can't imagine our wives blackmailing us, and see that's something's clearly "off" with Thalia's wife.

Precisely.

She is not a vindictive person and I truly believe she is only trying to protect herself, not hurt me.

Your wife does not need the properties to protect herself. The e-mails and pictures are plenty enough to blackmail you with. The properties are nothing more than a grab. You're right. We don't know you. But, that gives us an advantage that you do not have; perspective from outside. You lack it. You wanted our input. You're getting it in spades. This blackmail is wet like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and flies like a duck. If you want to interpret this evidence as somehow magically being a prize winning feline, that's your business. But frankly, you're making a huge mistake. She does NOT need the properties to "protect herself" and best friends don't blackmail each other. EVER.

I don't think it's the cross dressing that is her main concern. I hear what she's saying and it's more about the lack of honesty and the deception.

Regardless of the source of her concern, the outcome is the same.

She is now the one who wears the sexy underwear and I find it is helping me to not feel the need to 'dress' because my sexual needs are being met and then some). In the past (before I told her) she did not wear the sexy underwear to bed.

I told my wife about this and her immediate response was "She's using sex as a tool against him, to manipulate him".

I'll re-iterate what I said earlier; you can't base a stable relationship on blackmail. Either the blackmail ends, or the relationship ends. I don't think there's any middle ground on that.

[Sarah89]

I would sign it but have added that if she starts the divorce the agreement s null and void. Also have added if she outs you it is null and void.

Hell yeah !!!! good idea !

[Thalia]

Are the kids out of college?

All the kids are grown. Her three and my one married and one single. One son (mine) married a girl who tends to be standoffish and seems to try to keep him away from his side of the family. This son is also the one child who is always looking to see if he got 'his fair share' whenever we do something for any of our kids. (There's usually one in every family) and he is very jealous. We've already had some problems with him because he felt we do too much for some and not enough for him. I know if my cding became known this son would probably write me off. Sad but true. If the relationship is strained (because of his misperceptons) to begin with, there's little hope of staying close.

[JulieC]

All the kids are grown.

Well, that greatly reduces the complexity.

I realize you have a strong relationship with grand-children on her side, and they will probably be impacted significantly if you vanished from their lives. On the bright side, you're not their primary care giver, so it's not as big of a deal.

Please keep us posted on what happens.

[Berinthia]

With the kids out of the line of fire, this drama might boil down to just another divorce, in which case everyone is right, if it's you or her, pick yourself. Even if you are wrong, or a cad, she's a big girl. Divorce Happens.
Still, crossdressing is not much grounds for tearing you to shreds in court. I'm not even sure she could use her evidence against you if she stole it from under lock and key. Are these e-mails and pics like you'd see on this site, or are they a tad more sexual? Can you steal them back?
I think you guys are making much too much of this being a "blackmail" issue. You let your wife down, Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Being a good wife is not as easy as it looks. She justs wants to send "partyboy" the bill for her being a good wife while you ran around. If you think blackmail is ugly, wait til you meet her divorce lawyer.
Listen, I hope it all works out, without knowing you two I'm just gossiping. Shame on me. I saw this happen on an episode of "The Sopranos" and it ended when Tony bought Carmella a brand new mink coat. I saw something like this happen with Kobe Bryant, his wife got a 5 million dollar ring. I hope you get off that easy, if you want a happy marriage you pay. That sounds like a crime, but that's the way it is. Not just my opinion.

[tvbeckytv]

I don't think it's the cross dressing that is her main concern. I hear what she's saying and it's more about the lack of honesty and the deception. Sneaking away to attend c/d events and the extensive wardrobe which I had cleverly hidden in the attic. I know she was upset to hear I had visited nail salons for manicures and, for some reason, she was especially bothered to learn I went for a fitting for a corset. These are all things that cross dressers do but certainly not the general male population. This causes her to question my sexuallity.

.

i think you need couciling...but not marriage, personal counciling to give you a some sense of self worth. Yes you were dishonest not to tell her before you married her....but that is it...that is wholey what you are guilty of. To feel guilt because you had your nails done, or had a corset fitting, or attended events? Thats not being dishonest, being married dosnt mean you are joined at the hip and have no right to a private life.
Yes i think you should have told her about you 15 yrs ago...but you need to get your crime into perspective IMO.
Of course, most the replys on here may be doing your wife an injustice as to her motives....but it is very difficult to get away from the fact that she has commited a criminal offence. you on the other hand, so far as we know, have not.
along with all the other good advice...most of which i agree with...think about talking your cross dressing with a councilor on your own...it may give you some clarity of thought about your situation, and of yourself.

[CharlotteW]

Wo wo wo wohhhhhh. I don't believe I'm reading this.

This isn't marriage. As previously stated, this is a hostage situation.

If everything you have typed is totally truthful (and I'd never call anyone a liar without just cause), this whole sketch wreaks of 'saving face' and collation of evidence and has nothing to do with love.
Someone once told me "you have to turn a bad situation in to a good situation"....that's just what she is doing, in my opinion.

I'm a rather strong willed person and in your position I'd be saying "this is blackmail, blackmail is a crime and you could go to jail for it. Simple!"

I'm sorry if that was not what you wanted to hear, but that's how I see it.

Kindest regards

[Mona]

If I was in your place I would go along with her demands to quit CDing as a ruse then get real sneaky and steal back the pictues and emails and clothes she stole from you! Then things would be even and you will find out if she has any love left for you. I did this with my ex and it diffused the situation so the real issues (her drinking) could be delt with.

[Rachael Turner]

One person (not my wife) threatened me with blackmail photos once. The pics they showed me weren't sexual but were me. Good pics too. I calmy told them be careful what you say from this moment forward. They wanted 1000 dollars in 5 days or they would make them public. 4 days later he was in icu where he stayed for 2 weeks. They still walk with a limp to this day. Now granted that wasn't my wife. She knows about my past and wouldn't go that route.

[cindym5_04]

I had a boss where I work discover some pics of me dressed a few years ago. I'm only on a couple of sites where you need a password. He thought that I was trying to get together with this one girl that also worked here who he was trying to sleep with (she and I were friends...she had turned him down). In his "revenge effort" he called her up to his office (she didn't even belong to his dept.) and told her that he needed to meet with her. From my understanding what happened (from her and confirmed by her friend that also went into the office with her) is that he brought up whatever website, typed in a password, spun the monitor around and told them to have a look and that it was me. His "evil plan" actually backfired on him. The response that the girls had were "ooo he looks really good dressed like that" and the best one ever was "umm how did you find that and why do you have a password".

Granted he never approached me about it the entire time we were working in the same dept. He's no longer here as he transferred companies. I know it's not the same thing as blackmail, but it's something that he was very wrong for doing or for trying to hold against me nonetheless.

It's a good thing for him, though, that he didn't approach me about or with it. I would have taken him to HR about it, since this company is one of the tops in the nation when it comes to GLBT issues.

[Berinthia]

I KNEW this thread was heading toward violence!
Sherlock Holmes could sum this case up in 5 minutes, I'm not even sure any crime has been commited.
My Friend's wife divorced him, mainly because of the construction site buddies he was hanging out with, he was the last one to know about it, and the second she left the phone in his house went from ringing 50 times a day to zero times a day.
While Thalia is getting advice from this forum, Thalia's wife might be getting advice from all her friends. What do you think they're saying?

[CharlotteW]

I KNEW this thread was heading toward violence!
Sherlock Holmes could sum this case up in 5 minutes, I'm not even sure any crime has been commited.
My Friend's wife divorced him, mainly because of the construction site buddies he was hanging out with, he was the last one to know about it, and the second she left the phone in his house went from ringing 50 times a day to zero times a day.
While Thalia is getting advice from this forum, Thalia's wife might be getting advice from all her friends. [SIZE="3"]What do you think they're saying?[/SIZE]

They'll be listening carefully to her words and formulating a response based upon what they think she wants to hear. Things like "that's awful, screw him for every penny guuurl".

It's unlikely to be..."oh that must be worrying. I'm sure it's just a passing phase, maybe his 'problem' will just go away and you can pick up the pieces and move on. Trust me, I wont tell a soul about this".

And anyone who thinks that a large group of people advising someone to seek legal advice is NOT being supportive, think again. Giving advice isn't about being PC, it's about telling it 'like it is'.

Kind regards

[Nadia-Maria]

Thalia, I feel very much empathy with you. Like you I loved very much my first wife. Like you I believed for 14 years she loved me. Like you I worked hard. Like you I didn't pay much attention to the first evil behaviours she had, close to the end of the story. Like you I was convinced she would never do what she eventually did. Like you I believed to all her lies. Like you I lacked self-esteem faced to charming women.
(The only difference is I never came out to her about my CDing and she has never known of it).
Like you I did know nothing about women. Whereas she knew everything about manipulating naive men like myself. And she prepared herself one year ahead of the divorce, in total secrecy.

From what you wrote, it is already too late. Even if you follow the very good advices in this thread you will lose more than you are even able to imagine.
The good news are that in the few years to come you will become a lot wiser and much more able to do the difference between a loving woman and a pure lying devil.
They are the only good news of such - not so rare - stories.

Nadia

[KarenCDFL]

Just mention to her that Blackmail and extortion is a Federal Offense. So go right ahead, you can ask her to watch while you call the Police.

[LeslieSD]

What's there to be afraid of? You have to face it (your fear) eye-to-eye. Let's look at them.

(1) You are afraid of being exposed to your friend, colleague, and clients. Look at it, you have options:

(a) Stand up and admit it. Think about those of your colleague who admits they are gay. None of them just went down, right? They live their life free and ture to themselves. Life is too short.

(b) Deny it. When it gets to that stage (she expose you and file divorce), people know it is a ugly divorce battle. Everyone know the stories told there might have a lot of water in it. Nobody is going to ask your wife for a copy and submit for authenticity check. So deny it and people will buy.

(c) Escape it. I guess you have got enough (even half of what you have now) to retire to Bahama or Hawaii. Life is too short, why care about what other people guess.

(2) You are afraid of lossing your wife. (indeed, you are afraid of losing and the loneliness). You have options too:

(a) Treat her well. Spend time with her, and buy her flowers. But don't encourage her to commit criminal acts.

(b) If you are not losing her, you are not losing her. That means if she still loves you, she will not want to hurt someone she loves.

(c) If you have lost her, you have lost her. That means if she does not care about hurting you even just for the revenge entertainment, she is not the woman you imagine that you have been loving. So face the reality.

See, life is so easy and simple. So stand up and be a man.

[sometimes_miss]

Just mention to her that Blackmail and extortion is a Federal Offense. So go right ahead, you can ask her to watch while you call the Police.

Blackmailers know what they're doing is a crime. They don't care. They commit the crime because they're so absolutely sure that they can get away with it. The best solution is to appear to comply, and somehow catch them in the act (for which you will need professional legal help). Then if a divorce comes, she goes to jail. He gets the property. Yes, you do have to out yourself to a lawyer, but they've heard pretty much every story you can imagine; at the end of the day, all they care about is winning the case and getting paid. Thalia's wife is doing exactly what my ex-wife did to me.

[nvlady]

I only have one question. If she's not planning on leaving you, what difference does it make whose name your property is in?

[AmandaM]

<< I understand where she's coming from.....and signing over some property to her won't really hurt me if we did not stay together.>>

Well, when she has that, then sues for half of the rest, you'll find out how much it hurts.

As far as married people being the ones up in arms here. Hell yeah, it's cause this is betrayal! Betrayal of love! No love exists here. What?! One day she's gonna say she's sorry she said she'd blackmail you? She's gonna say she's sorry she plotted to out you? She's sorry she planned this ahead of time? Conspiracy is the problem. It wasn't her blabbling her mout' cause she was mad, it's cold and calculated. There's the old saying, watch what they do, not what they say. She didn't just say she was gonna blackmail you, she took action to implement it.

P.S. I am sorry my friend. But, you have a hard road ahead. You must accept the fact that you will be outed. This fear is keeping you paralyzed, and preventing you from protecting yourself. Tell all of this to your attorney. If you are nervous, get a female attorney. Only by defending yourself do you have a chance "not to be outed". Go down swingin', so to speak. You might survive intact.