I agree with
Amanda, she will out you anyways, my ex did
I agree with
Amanda, she will out you anyways, my ex did
She has plans. As she is lying there in bed, crying, she is formulating plans. Prepare for the worst case scenario. Yes, you should have told her before you got married.
Definitely do not sign over any fixed assets to her. Tell her to work it out the emotional stuff on an emotional level. Your financial future and financial independance should not be at stake in this.
Good luck.
Love will find its own way through.
Everything that needs to be said has been said. She is setting you up. Don't sign anything, clear out everything, check with a lawyer, move out. At least that is what I'd do.
The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
- Dolly Parton
[QUOTE]Lorileah: No, I don't like being held hostage; however, I have too much to lose if my cross dressing became public knowledge. I am a white collar professional with a very large practice. Being revealed as a cross dresser would have a definite impact on my practice./QUOTE]
Noting from the terminology that you are using, you must be either a doctor, dentist or lawyer. Most likely medical in nature. With that said you have sufficent means that pushing your buttons could net your wife a lot of money. I worry about this issue as well, but paying your wife off is not going to protect yourself.
She can and probably will tell who ever she wants. You will have to deal with the damage. If you are going to pay her, hire an attorney to draw up an agreement stating that as long as she remains silent then she can have the property. Opening her mouth will cause her to owe you some huge amount of money. Money and power are always at the root of each problem. I feel sorry for you because your wife is going to still hurt you in the end. She is not your best friend. Best Friends wouldn't threaten to tell something to hurt you. So if you aren't best friends, maybe you should begin treating her like she is less than your best friend and protect yourself.
Michelle
You had better get an attorney as soon as possible and in the meantime do nothing to meet her demands. Been there and done that so to speak and my ex did not win in the end - my attorney saw to that - and that was in 1979.
I love being "gender gifted"! www.pmpub.com
No, she won't 'out' me. I am a cross dresser and I owed her the truth. I can't blame her for being angry and disappointed. It's only been three months and she's still reeling from this tsunami of information. These threats are said in the heat of anger. She's not really like that at all. I have hopes of staying with her. We enjoy(ed) a very good life together. Neither one wants that to end. We've seen a psychologist and the counselling helps. I/we think there is a possibility of working this out. She has given me a little wiggle room if I feel the need to dress. We talk a lot and are brutally honest with each other. I understand where she's coming from.....and signing over some property to her won't really hurt me if we did not stay together. It's not as if she needs anything from me to survive. And, we both acquired these assets while we were together. Bottom line is I love her and she's struggling with all the years of my deceit. I get it. And, I believe she still has some love for me. If she did not, she would have left me by now.
For all the years I cross dressed and I kept my secret, I enjoyed it. Little did I know that something that I enjoyed so much would cause me so much pain. So many have told me to tell my family and friends about my crossdressing and hope for the best. If that was so easy, then why haven't so many of you done the same?
Golly . Some lovely replys on this one is'nt there ? I'm agog at what I consider to be non supportive and unfeeling comments towards this thread . From what I have read there has been little or no understanding towards the wife in this situation . Think on , after 15 yrs of dressing in private , going out in secret ( is he meeting someone ? ) would,nt you at least accept her worry may be driving her to behave in this manner ???
Well , for what its worth and for the sake of youre marriage , heres my pennies worth . I,d be looking at things in a different manner . Seems to me shes behaving in this way as an almost to knee jerk a reaction in fear of losing her husband . Perhaps she's using fear as a weapon as she feels so frightened . Her fight or flight nature could have kicked in so hard she's prolly on the defensive hoping you,ll cave in . The stress between you both must be gigantic . I think its wonderful you are now at least both trying to make sense of it all . Sometimes when anger , confusion reigns we simply can,t see the wood for the trees . At least you are BOTH trying . Just try as best as possible to support each other , let the anger fade ......... its not easy but angst is a horrible feeling , you both must be in bits . Be there for each other .
I hope and pray you both find some peace and stability enabelling for you both to talk openly , without threats, or fear before either of you have to make a descision on how to either deal with the situation , or move on alone at least as amicable adults .
Good luck .
Last edited by Shelly67; 04-14-2009 at 01:14 AM.
Originally Posted by Thalia
Your astounding naivete causes me to wonder how you managed to do well in business. Seriously here -- you are a fool.
Getting you to sign property over, locking "evidence" in bank vaults... those are NOT things done in anger. They are done in cold calculation over a long period of time, through plenty of conversations with a divorce lawyer. My suspicion is that she was compiling "evidence" well before the alleged discovery and blowup. She's been plotting, and guaranteed, her best friends know all about it.
And crying herself to sleep wearing pretty lingerie? Are you kidding me? This is a psychotic, manipulative bitch of the highest order. She's lining you up to take all your shit. You're not getting out of this either way with all your dignity, but you can at least protect your stuff.
Dude: Grow a pair. Get your own lawyer. Pay him well. And remind her who wears the daddy pants. And hire a P.I. too. She's probably been cheating on you for a while.
What have you done to justify anger or disappointment? Why on earth should she be angry that you're a crossdresser? If she found out you were an axe murderer or bank robber, then yeah, she should be angry. But crossdresser? What's the big deal? She might choose not to participate, but why should she be angry about something you are that's (a) harmless and (b) beyond your control?
This is a rhetorical question, of course: the practical matter you're facing is that she *is* angry. I raise the question only to remind you that there are two factors here: your crossdressing, and her reaction to it. Three factors, really: your crossdressing, your previous secrecy, and her reaction to them. But the point is that her reaction is as much a part of the problem as your crossdressing. There is no rational reason for her to object to your crossdressing; if it's not to her taste to see you dressed, she doesn't need to participate in it. If she's bothered by the very thought that her husband isn't the macho dude she imagined, then that's an issue for *her* therapy sessions, not yours. It's not your fault if she has an unrealistic and inflexible idea of your masculinity.
Look, I have sympathy for your wife. She must feel disoriented, confused, embarrassed, questioning the foundations of her marriage and her sexuality. She's working through in three months some issues you've been pondering since childhood. Her confusion is understandable, and her anger is forgivable. But while forgivable, her anger is NOT justified, it is misplaced and misdirected. You have both contributed to this problem: you, through years of secrecy, her, through misdirected anger. Do not let yourself feel that the "blame" is all on you. The sooner you both realize that you've both contributed to the current problem, the sooner you'll find your way back together.
Support ???
Oh my god - you even insult the man calling him an fool , you call his wife a bitch , insinuate she,s adulterous and to include the daddy pants comment to which I find a cave man like notion an insult towards any person who may be emotionally unstable . Again , wheres the support ? Is,nt that what this websites about ??
This thread has to be one of the most unfeeling things I,ve read in a longtime . I,m very dissapointed and certainly can understand why some people may wish to never comment , nor indulge in this forum . At worst , probably leave it all together .
Last edited by Shelly67; 04-14-2009 at 01:25 AM.
The only thing I'd sign would be divorce papers.
Der Transsexuellaußenseiter
The lovers have flown...
[SIZE="3"]VENI VIDI VICI[/SIZE]
I echo everyone's opinions in this matter. Blackmail is a very ugly thing to even think about doing.
Yes, you probably should've told her a long time ago, but don't dwell on that. From your posts I don't think she's trying to accept this at all. You should be concentrating on a compromise, not giving her the ball and having it permanently in her court.
If I were you I'd risk it and go ahead and tell people about yourself. As it has been said, if your friends can't accept you for who you really are then they aren't your friends. As far as your children are concerned, however, there are people on this very message board who came out to their kids and they accepted it. You never know. They just might be fine with it. But it's better to risk that than to be in somebody's pocket for the rest of your life.
Uh, yes she is. You have people who are willing to commit criminal acts, and those who are not. Obviously, you wife is one of the former. Yes, you are still hoping she is the sweet woman you think you married. We now have strong knowledge that she isn't.She's not really like that at all
You're in very deep shit. I went through the exact same experience; only, I didn't have as many assets to lose, and I didn't have any kids. And yes, she would have come back for more, but I no longer have any assets to take, already told my family, and the few friends that I had when we were together. They do come back for more.
Bottom line is, she's willingly already committed a felony offense by asking you to sign over material property under threat of exposure, and doesn't care. Talk to a good lawyer, find a way to get evidence of it, even if you have to sign some sort of papers in front of them, as long as you notify a district attorney and have his/her assistance in doing so; you can always say that the papers have to be legal and notorized or something I guess. Then you have her by the short hairs, not the other way around. There are prison terms for what she's trying to do to you. Look around for a reference from some of the gay organizations, there is probably someone who's very up on this type of blackmail. I'm sorry I wasn't clear headed to think of all this when I went through it ten years ago. And, don't sign anything. You'll live to regret it. I did.
There is pissed off, and there is criminal behavior. It's not a leap most people will quickly make. I'm sure his wife didn't come up with this in an instant. She's surely plotted this behavior out very carefully, assuming he will cave in to her demands, as most blackmailers do. Criminals feel entitled to what they want. They don't care about other people. She's already committed the crime. Now, it's just about what to do about it. Do you really think society will feel sorry for a blackmailer??? Do you think any jury will ever say, well, blackmail is justified? I don't think so.From what I have read there has been little or no understanding towards the wife in this situation
Thalia, if you go ahead with her plan, be prepared to have her slowly bleed you dry; and when she's done, she may out you anyway. Sure, you may have a large successful practice; and she feels entitled to every penny of it. Once she's got it, you're toast anyway; and after she has all your assets, she may insist you participate in some type of criminal behavior such as fraud to get her even more money. Don't assume she's going to leave you with a red cent. She won't.
Talk to a lawyer fast fast fast. Then quickly get her signature off of your personal retirement accounts. Make sure she hasn't already taken any of your bank accounts for herself. Check to see if your joint credit cards have been maxed out. Check everything quickly. Again, she didn't come up with this plan in a day, and she may already have started the wheels in motion.
Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.
Thalia said - "She probably will e mail the pictures to my clients and friends and share the picture and e mails with my sons."
Well I can understand how she'd have access to family email addresses to mail things but why exactly does your wife have access to client email addresses to do this in the first place? I'm assuming you've at least changed all your email passwords so that your wife doesn't have access to further weapons against you? You did do that, right? Right?
Also, check the legal situation because if your wife is setting out to deliberately cause harm to your business through attacking your reputation, then your lawyer is going to love it.
Oh, and everything MissConstrued said +1
These threats are said in the heat of anger. She's not really like that at all.
Did anyone take this onboard ?
Neither one wants that to end. We've seen a psychologist and the counselling helps. I/we think there is a possibility of working this out. She has given me a little wiggle room if I feel the need to dress. We talk a lot and are brutally honest with each other.
Good for you - it takes a lot to admit our wrongs , I hope it works for you in an amicable manner no matter the outcome .
Blow the felony , I think these poor folk need a little understanding here . Think on , this has obviously been discussed in full with a psycologist .
They are simply trying to rediscover trust and committment that has obviously been worn totally away by deception . On both parties . If they are adult enough to both put theyre hands up and own up to marital problems , even if they go wrong and divorce is the final outcome then god bless them for trying .
We all have had our own private trials and problems in our partnership .
I,d like to point out , if anyone of the married crossdressers on here found out suddenly they're partner had an alternate life , in secret how would they react ??
Would you explode , throw threats in youre moments of anger and sheer hurt ??
How would you then feel if you're partner then tried to heal the wounds caused by such behaviour ??
I agree , its a good idea to secure accounts , in all matters .
But I think its paramount if a married relationship is turmoil and someone openly asks for advice or help then perhaps support and a little greater understanding be applied .
I can only end this by asking one question . How would you feel if it were you ? And i can only ask this as I,ve sadly had the experience
myself.
Last edited by Shelly67; 04-14-2009 at 03:53 AM.
FAIL
Threats in the heat of anger are one thing but as MissConstrued said, these are calculated actions in the cold light of day. She's obtained a CD full of photos (we still haven't been told how incidentally) and put them with printed emails in a safe deposit box. She's having legal documents of ownership drawn up. She's clearly thinking and planning ahead here and the stage is being set. And the problem is that she has the initiative here and it's time to start catching up.
While I can understand an emotional response, lashing out as it were, at first, this has now gone way beyond that.
The chances are that when she gets want she wants ( the house`s ) she will run and expose you in any case, i am sorry to say but i do not think that she is just the sort of person who will just go quietly and know one who hold me to ransom like that it is just not worth it.
I wonder what would happen if you tried to turn the tail and said that you are keeping the house`s and you where thinking of coming out to everyone and see what her reaction is as she would know then that she would not have a hold on you if you done that .
Last edited by Joanne f; 04-14-2009 at 03:55 AM.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Joanne
Here is what you should do, and I'll explain why later down.
1)DO NOT! Transfer any ownership of anything to her.
Just do not tell her you have no plans of doing so.
2) Buy a digital voice recorder [radioshack 50 bucks] and start recording every conversation between the both of you BECAUSE IT'S LEGAL to do so [and admissible in court], provided that one of the parties [meaning you] is A: Aware of the recording[s] and B:That you are the one doing the recording.
3) If you like, want, or are attached to your clothes, GET THEM BACK.
Others have said, [soon to be ex]wives will dispose of them, and in one case one even wore them to the court proceedings just to rub it in. In short get them now or lose them forever.
4) If the computer you use is a joint use computer, get a new one for yourself.
If it is already your personal computer, two words: New Passwords.
5) If you don't know a good divorce lawyer, find one, fast, your gonna need one.
6) I'm willing to bet you could not get her out of that house with a shoe horn. You say you have other property. Well then prepare to start living in it.
7) Prepare your kids [not her's], let them know that this is coming and it could get messy. You don't have to give details, especially about the CD'ing just yet.
8) Don't let her hold her kids or their kids over you like a carrot on a stick.
9) You have shown "good faith" so far, what has she done in return???? Therapist? Counciling? Sound good, but if she really loves you and wants to "work this out" then tell her to fork over your personal property [IE: all her "evidence"]
A) She likes dangling carrots in front of you, now its your turn to do the same.
If she wants those properties so bad then tell her once you have the contents of her safety box [don't let her go get it herself, go there with her and get it] then you will reconsider her request for the property.
B) Like it or not, she has seen a laywer,
and she will [probably sooner then later] file for divorce.
Why hasn't she yet? Because that property is probably her first salvo.
You think people come up with "non marital assets" out of no where?
If they are her's alone, she gets them scott free, PLUS half of what is left.
10) "In order to secure peace, you must first prepare for war."
Now the reasons why you can do all the above and
She WILL NOT out you.
Mutually Assured Destruction and Defamation of Character.
She is smart, she knows hurting you will hurt her.
This goes for her sense of Pride, and Greed.
A)Outing you to Friends/Family not only hurts you but her "good standing" in the community as well. AKA: Mutually Assured Destruction
B)Outing you at work is not best for her either.
AKA: Lost Income / Defamation of Character.
If she outs you, your losing clients, which means you lose money, which means there is less for her to take/have.
Which equates to Defamation of Character:
An Oral [Slander] or written [Libel] statement that results in injuring the good name or reputation of another, causing that individual to be held in disrepute.
It does not matter how truthful or untruthful the statement is but rather the intent of the person saying it. She clearly has intent to do harm to you and your business.
Once you have recordings and the contents of the box
File for divorce, usually the first one to the gate wins.
All of her actions will make it easy.
And a possible defamation of character lawsuit and possible criminal charges will make her a lot more compliant and even less likely to try and out you just for spite afterwards.
And if after all this she still tries to out you, well then just sue her for what she got in the divorce.
Last edited by Sammy777; 04-14-2009 at 04:48 AM.
Warning: This post may contain up to 63% post consumer recycled Sarcasm ... or Peanuts."
"Sammy, really next time do try to make your point without being quite so abrasive." -RD
It's really great that you are seeking counseling and I pray that you and your wife will find your way thru.
However, for you I would reccomend seeing a lawyer and protecting yourself. People that are willing to blackmail for gain would be just as willing to follow thru with the threats AFTER they've gotten all the money/property they want.
You say "she's not like that" but isn't that exactly how she feels about you and your CDing? It's possible to live with a person for years and not see all that they are capable of.
I hope that you two can work this out but I still feel that you need to protect yourself some. Consult some legal/professionals about how you can lay some groundwork for your own protection.
Good luck.
Sally
SamanthaM said - "If it is already your personal computer, two words: New Passwords."
New strong passwords on all email accounts (private and business).
New strong passwords for user accounts on the PC. Not that effective but every little helps.
Encrypt the contents of the hard drive. Better yet, flatten the drive and have everything reinstalled on account of having a "virus" and wanting to be on the safe side
Stop storing personal data locally i.e. on your hard drive because even encryption can be cracked pretty easily. Get a USB flash drive, store everything on there and encrypt it so even if it's mislaid or "borrowed", it's less likely to become compromised.
If you have a business website, change your administrator passwords so that your wife can't get in and deface your homepage with photos and text.
If you're using a wireless network make damn sure it's secure with at least WPA encryption, not WEP.
Just a few very quick ideas to cover some basics. There's plenty more you can do of course but that should get you started.
ADDITIONAL
Delete your temporary internet cache at the end of every session and select all options, including passwords.
When you log into things and it says "remember password?", do not select this because anyone looking will find they have instant access to lots of your data such as email accounts, eBay accounts and so forth.
Don't use the same password for everything. Biggest n00b mistake going that one! Unique passwords for every possible thing and remember them, don't write them down!
Last edited by Senban; 04-14-2009 at 05:38 AM.
So you are going to allow this outrageous behavior by a supposedly loving partner because of your business and the kids. I understand. I wonder what they would think of you if they knew you were going along with this evil scheme. Good luck
Ask your wife if she loves you. If she says Yes, she is lying. You deserve better than this.
In times of great emotion we all say something we regret. In times of stress and trauma ( we all have our breaking point no matter how feeble or prominent the reasons) we can behave irrationally .
I think you're doing the best thing you can . Go seek a proffessional outlet , discuss in full youre troubles , and hopefully you,ll see the error of this terrible mess together
.
Shows me several things on reading and re- reading this post sitting here along with my wife which I won't digress .
However , the one thing that shines thru is that if she has sought legal advice , then as ever its evident a lawyer will take on any situation win or lose . Because at the end of the day although blackmail is filth its always the lawyers who win in the end is'nt it ?
Take out the document / photo situation , let the dust settle and keep on communicating .
Good luck .
Last edited by Shelly67; 04-14-2009 at 07:15 AM.
she is getting ready to dump you not only that she is getting all her ducks in a row. then one day you come home to find your belonging out on the street the locks change and all your hard earned property in her name .
and everything you ever done cding wise exposed to your friends your family and everyone in your circle of life . don't do it you stand to lose everything and the truth is your damed if you do and your damed if you don't. salvage what you can before it's too late.
I'm sorry to say but you may not have much time were will you be one year from now???
SamanthaM is right on .
here is some good military advice *** strike first hit hard *** because if you don't she will and soon mark my words.
Last edited by MJ; 04-14-2009 at 07:49 AM. Reason: add info
I agree with all the other input here. I've been through a divorce already. Get the best lawyer you can afford, and hunker down for hell. If she's already baiting you, then she'll hold this sword over your head, with just a hair's distance from you forevermore. If you get ready to drag her through the mud and prepare her for the reality that you're not going to back down, and I'm quite sure you understand that any decent (or dastardly) lawyer can take a person and make them shine or burn. As soon as someone starts throwing weight around that way, the only way I've found to communicate is with a mediator.
She thinks she has you, and as long as you keep bowing easily, she won't try much. Do your own research, get your own help, and yes, be ready to have your name dragged through the mud a bit. Keep in mind that she's being extremely manipulative, and to execute a smear campaign such as this would surely not come out in her OWN best interests if it were to come to light. Let her know that she best be ready to have her own life ripped to shreds DARE SHE try and rip yours. Pardon the term, but find your self a very aggressive (I've heard the terms 'wild dog/mad dog') attorney and go to it. I'm pretty sure there's lawyers here in the forum so I'm sure they've heard the terms before. My last (and current) attorney is one of the best in my area, and he was worth every dime and EXTREMELY intimidating. My ex-wife broke and signed a heavily weighted agreement to my better because she wasn't looking forward to a multi-year court battle with a warchest that I had already prepared very clearly. I was ready to take a bullet come hell or high-water and she wasn't.
Best of luck to you.
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