a little confusion...insight appreciated

[foxyjj111]

ok so first i appologize for this being so long winded but bear with me on this one.

first of all, i know that all of us have our ups and downs, but i am wondering how severe and prolonged they are. my major issue is that im not satisfied with any in between areas. i used to be ok with being an average male who dressed on occasion but now that i try to go out in public i want to be more feminine appearing. i spend four or five weeks were i do everything to appear more fem. i change my workout, diet, skin care products, and let my nails grow. i also have gotten to the point where i dont care if people know about me so i know that some of my neighbors have seen me as a woman. i have told many friends about myself and most are generaly cool with it.

the ISSUE is that something (random variable) will occur and cause me to go back to my masculine side. the problem is my masc. side is an alpha male and the exact opposite as my fem. side. as i said there is no in between. so i change my workout, diet, and products for a few weeks and basically ruin all that i had accomplished during my fem time. i also have goals that require me to be alittle more masc and contradict my girly self. CONFUSING i know.

i was just wondering if anyone else shares the same EXTREME ups and downs and how you deal with it. i am frustrated cuz i have finally came to the conclusion that i am going to be who i really am and now dont know who that is.

insight would really be appreciated

thanks for reading girls

[KarenS]

Hi Foxy,

I can understand some of what you are experiencing. But... no I haven't got a clue either. I go through periods where I feel very feminine and the sometimes get a bit depressed, wonder why and what it all means and then struggle with an urge to purge. Even then, knowing full well that Karen will be back.

No incites at all. Just sharing in your confusion.

[silkandsatincd]

Hi Foxy,

Maybe for you its got to be one way or another, and if that's who you are then get used to the extremes. I don't see anything wrong with trying to be 100% feminine or 100% masculine, but I think I am most comfortable somewhere "in between". We all have a feminine side and a masculine side, like a pendulum most of us swing back and forth, but maybe the more extreme the swing the faster we swing back to the other side. This is why, in some metaphorical way, it may be better to get more comfortable with who you are and either accept the extremes or try getting more comfortable with the "in between".

I think we must all try to accept ourselves "where we are" and move in the direction of who we want to become. I hope this helps.

[Celeste]

Good post,I feel quite the same and have yet to find a good balance.It seems the closest I can get is to try and pinpoint when the fluctuation will occur and what the duration will be.

Sometimes I wonder how I can remain happy while riding this roller coaster,then other times I'll just admit,I need both sides of me daily and that it's not a necessity for me to determine which part is predominant and when.

[joann426]

well when i am out side doing male work that the way i am but when it comes to supper time i change to my femme side and she just hasto deal with it i guess you have to be alittle male some times and you have to be femme sometimes unless you have surgury

[ReineD]

I'm not a CDer, but my SO presents very well and also reverts back to guy mode easily. So if you don't mind I'll put in my .

Keeping up the diet and skin care routine will not give you away in guy mode. Cleansing, exfoliating, and moisturizing your skin will give you a clearer and smoother complexion which is enviable in anyone. As for the diet, the changes you might make in a few weeks won't make that big of a difference in either mode although it is always a good idea to eat sensibly.

I'm not sure about the work outs though, unless you are seriously pumping iron daily. But I have a son who was working out seriously and it took a while to build up his muscle to the point he could bench press 300 lbs (he played offensive tackle on his HS football team), and it took months and months for his upper arm bulk to decrease once he stopped. I don't think a few weeks either way will make that big of a difference.

The nails may give you away depending on how long you like them, but could you not use glue-on nails in femme mode, or choose a nail length that could go either way? Medium length and well manicured nails are not unheard of in men and if they are painted in femme mode, they look equally nice. I've seen dazzling women wear shortish, squared off brightly painted red nails with quite an effect. It looks clean and contemporary.

You didn't mention the hair or the eye brows. Arm hair can be clipped and not completely shaven (even GGs have arm hair) and this will not look unusual in guy mode. If you like to shave your back and chest, it will not show through under a shirt. In the summer time I don't know if you wear shorts in guy mode, but if you do, lots of guys into sports have smooth shaven legs. And eyebrows can be trimmed in a way that would suit in either guy or femme mode.

The trick, as silkandsatin said, is to learn to be comfortable grooming yourself in guy mode and not look at it as strictly a girly thing to do.

[Miranda09]

I'm not a CDer, but my SO presents very well and also reverts back to guy mode easily. So if you don't mind I'll put in my .

Keeping up the diet and skin care routine will not give you away in guy mode. Cleansing, exfoliating, and moisturizing your skin will give you a clearer and smoother complexion which is enviable in anyone. As for the diet, the changes you might make in a few weeks won't make that big of a difference in either mode although it is always a good idea to eat sensibly.

I'm not sure about the work outs though, unless you are seriously pumping iron daily. But I have a son who was working out seriously and it took a while to build up his muscle to the point he could bench press 300 lbs (he played offensive tackle on his HS football team), and it took months and months for his upper arm bulk to decrease once he stopped. I don't think a few weeks either way will make that big of a difference.

The nails may give you away depending on how long you like them, but could you not use glue-on nails in femme mode, or choose a nail length that could go either way? Medium length and well manicured nails are not unheard of in men and if they are painted in femme mode, they look equally nice. I've seen dazzling women wear shortish, squared off brightly painted red nails with quite an effect. It looks clean and contemporary.

You didn't mention the hair or the eye brows. Arm hair can be clipped and not completely shaven (even GGs have arm hair) and this will not look unusual in guy mode. If you like to shave your back and chest, it will not show through under a shirt. In the summer time I don't know if you wear shorts in guy mode, but if you do, lots of guys into sports have smooth shaven legs. And eyebrows can be trimmed in a way that would suit in either guy or femme mode.

The trick, as silkandsatin said, is to learn to be comfortable grooming yourself in guy mode and not look at it as strictly a girly thing to do.

[darla_g]

I think what Reine says is extremely good advice. I agree completely and would add that most people are not real perceptive of these things on guys unless there is a dramatic change. if you do them gradually the change will be so subtle no one will notice.

[Carly D.]

This is like the question of what is the meaning of life.. ok, not that deep really.. I think it's just your own struggle with your fem side.. you might want an easy answer but there really isn't one.. I want to be out so bad but I don't know what that will mean or how that will effect my entire existence.. truth is I think every one goes through this at one point.. you might have to either develop a fem side and live along side her 24/7 and still be your over macho side.. this can be done.. the happy medium can be reached by buying your favorite fem clothing while heavily into being your male self.. sometime when you are out with the boys or rather after, go to the womens department of a store and buy something for your fem side.. it won't change who you are or how you feel about things.. if anything it might make that part of you more open to try different things.. I've had it hit me to buy something when not even thinking about my fem side.. I might be on a mission to get something completely as far away from my fem side as possible when I might make a wrong turn and I'm in the pantyhose department and I'll say, oh yeah.. Carly must be knocking at the wallet again.. yep.. sure.. buy the beer, and condoms.. but no.. I get Carly something so I'll be happy later..

[foxyjj111]

I'm not a CDer, but my SO presents very well and also reverts back to guy mode easily. So if you don't mind I'll put in my .

Keeping up the diet and skin care routine will not give you away in guy mode. Cleansing, exfoliating, and moisturizing your skin will give you a clearer and smoother complexion which is enviable in anyone. As for the diet, the changes you might make in a few weeks won't make that big of a difference in either mode although it is always a good idea to eat sensibly.

I'm not sure about the work outs though, unless you are seriously pumping iron daily. But I have a son who was working out seriously and it took a while to build up his muscle to the point he could bench press 300 lbs (he played offensive tackle on his HS football team), and it took months and months for his upper arm bulk to decrease once he stopped. I don't think a few weeks either way will make that big of a difference.

The nails may give you away depending on how long you like them, but could you not use glue-on nails in femme mode, or choose a nail length that could go either way? Medium length and well manicured nails are not unheard of in men and if they are painted in femme mode, they look equally nice. I've seen dazzling women wear shortish, squared off brightly painted red nails with quite an effect. It looks clean and contemporary.

You didn't mention the hair or the eye brows. Arm hair can be clipped and not completely shaven (even GGs have arm hair) and this will not look unusual in guy mode. If you like to shave your back and chest, it will not show through under a shirt. In the summer time I don't know if you wear shorts in guy mode, but if you do, lots of guys into sports have smooth shaven legs. And eyebrows can be trimmed in a way that would suit in either guy or femme mode.

The trick, as silkandsatin said, is to learn to be comfortable grooming yourself in guy mode and not look at it as strictly a girly thing to do.

first of all to answer a few more of the questions you asked. i always shave everything mainly because i am a triathlete so althought the guys pick on my in a fun way, i have never had an odd look and really have been way beyond caring about anyone really having a prob with it. as far as hair and eyebrows. my eyebrows and neatly trimmed all the time and again people refer to me as metro as also goes for the fact that i have more skin care products than most women. and as far as hair. lets just say i have regulations on its length so its short and will remain so, i rely on a good wig.

so, indeed i realize that none of those things will give me away or anything but my major problem is the emotional issue. because of the extreme emotional change i will do all the above mentioned things to work at becoming one or the other. also being an exercise physiologist i know much about the body and how to make it appear long and lean and how to bulk up if neccessary. i realize that a few weeks or a month wont change major visual effects, however, its the idea that im working toward one direction and then doing a 180 and trying to become long and lean. and im a health dork as far as diet so its always healthy just change levels of nutrients based on desired results. its just that one is contradictory to the other.

anyway, so i guess ya, its more about my emotional well being and being comfortable in one body and not desiring the other. it's a confusing roller coaster. lol. thank you so much for you input.

[LisaM]

I understand how you are feeling and there is no easy answer. The most important step is that you now understand how you feel and the patterns that you follow.

I think it is natural for a lot of us to do exactly what you are doing. We finally admit that we want to dress and come out as women and we try our best to present ourselves that way---lose weight, take better care of our skin and nails, etc..

And then we (and it can be any number of reasons--we think we look silly, we don't think we will ever pass, we wonder what we were thinking in the first place, we question if this is the lifestyle we want) decide that we are not comfortable with the direction we are going and we hightail it in the opposite direction.

As I said, there is no easy answer. Over time I have learned to be more comfortable with myself being less than hyper masculine and more feminine in appearance. It took time and acceptance on my part but learning to understand and accept myself was very important.

You already seem to understand yourself. You just need to decide where you want to be in this spectrum and then learn to accept yourself. It may be that you decide to be very masculine in your every day life and then just dress for 'fun' occassionally.

[linnea]

I agree too.

[bgirl]

As to the difference in our personality changes in male vs female modes. I dream of the day when I am just the same person. No matter what I wear.
Am I a femmine man or a manly femme? In truth neither.
Before I accepted my feminine side, I was very masc in my attitudes. Scince I have embraced my feminine side, I try real hard not to pretend to be what I think other people think I should be. When I go out and someone reads me, I am ok with that! I am just trying to be myself. If they don't notice, its ok. I am still just trying to be myself.
Its not always easy to present in totaly different ways. In fact I kind of find it impossible. Even if my legs are shaved, and my toes are polished, I think the beard gives me away.

[shesadvl]

As to the difference in our personality changes in male vs female modes. I dream of the day when I am just the same person. No matter what I wear.
Am I a femmine man or a manly femme? In truth neither.
Before I accepted my feminine side, I was very masc in my attitudes. Scince I have embraced my feminine side, I try real hard not to pretend to be what I think other people think I should be. When I go out and someone reads me, I am ok with that! I am just trying to be myself. If they don't notice, its ok. I am still just trying to be myself.
Its not always easy to present in totaly different ways. In fact I kind of find it impossible. Even if my legs are shaved, and my toes are polished, I think the beard gives me away.

I'm not a CD'er either, I agree with what reineD says., also with what bgirl says, my S/O is just himself always,dressed or in guy mode be who you are not whom or what anyone else wants you to be, I guess in some cases if you accept your femme self then you will be happy with yourself, as I have seen written "that my femme self has caught up with my guy mode" and im happy with who I am and where I am"
My S/O is totally relaxed with all himself ,enfemme and guy mode.

good luck with finding your happy medium. always remember we as human beings make things hard on ourselves when it doesnt have to be.

[ReineD]

anyway, so i guess ya, its more about my emotional well being and being comfortable in one body and not desiring the other. it's a confusing roller coaster. lol. thank you so much for you input.

It will come, Foxy, but it takes awhile to undo the transphobic (the term is discussed in this thread) conditioning you received while growing up. Just keep working on it and eventually you will find the right balance for yourself.