Came out to my wife last night.
I came out to my wife last night and and she has not spoken to me since. I hope she is just getting her thoughts together. The reason I came out was after reading all of the posts on here from SO's about "I wish he had told me!" I decided to come clean and stop the hiding and lying, to her and myself. I love my wife dearly and am afraid I may have damaged our relationship severly. We have been married 24 years and I truly love her. My god what have I done?
Melissa
You've been honest... and that stirs up a mix of emotions. I think all you can do at the moment is stay calm and wait for her response... Don't push her though... Just let her draw her own conclusions in her own time.
Thinking of you...
Lisa x
Last edited by Lisa Golightly; 05-26-2009 at 03:08 AM.
Der Transsexuellaußenseiter
The lovers have flown...
[SIZE="3"]VENI VIDI VICI[/SIZE]
Take her, hold her. Tell her she is your woman and that will never change. I know where you are right now. Take her in your arms, kiss her and let her know she is your woman, you are her man. As it settles down let her know about dressing up, she will understand. Just remember, who is the wife, who is the husband. Good luck and I have a good feeling for you. This might be fun for both
Wow, heavy stuff. I was only Married for a bit over 2 years when I came out to my wife, and she felt sooo betrayed by me never telling her about it. I couldn't because I wasn't sure myself at the time. We're divorced, but coming out was only one part my dysfunctional relationship. She agreed that the things she fell in love with me for, my sensitivity, compassion and gentle nature were more feminine than male quality's.
I was hoping getting married would "fix" me back then, and it did, for about 6 months. So I felt like I couldn't tell her.
No matter what the outcome, the burden of secrecy is off of your shoulders. I wish you the best of luck.
Came out to wife
I may noy be the best to talk of this subject but agree with most responses of threads; honesty is the best policy. With my kind of luck, she will discuss this with you, trying to understand your motives. Most threads are positive and you are likely going to receive the same. Go slow but maintain the honesty. Best regards!
Give her time. This is a lot to digest in a night. Be open, be available and be honest. That starts with yourself. Know what you're going to say about what you are and what you want to do. After 24 years, she'll have a lot of questions.
Rachel Denise
[SIZE="2"]“One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. ‘Which road do I take?’ she asked. His response was a question: “Where do you want to go?’ ‘I don’t know,’ answered Alice. ‘Then,’ said the cat, ‘it doesn’t matter.' "
- Lewis Carroll[/SIZE]
Sooo true...I mean, how long did it take all of us to come to terms with it in our own lives?Originally Posted by RachelDenise
Patience. Reassurance. Not expecting too much too soon....Whatever happens, putting the deception behind will build a stronger future.
Bobbi
I hope after the shock of her finding out she has the desire to learn about the heart and soul of the crossdresser. I wished I had came out earlier. My wife was very understanding. I told her all about my childhood desires to feel like a girl, long before I was sexually active. Make sure to let her know that this isn't a sexual perverted thing that we do for a thrill. I think that's what most women feel it is and have a hard time believing that is much deeper that that. You stand your ground and keep being the husband that she has loved and been with for 24 years and let her read about other crossdressers who has written about their stories and struggles. It takes alot of guts and love and honesty to tell you SO about your feelings about this. I hope she'll come around and respect your honesty. If you're like me, I've tried to surpress it but it won. I could not ever change it. It was stronger than me. When my wife realized it and wasn't threaten by my crossdressing, she jumped in head first and has made many great contributions to my feminine side. I hope you both the best.
Ouch.... At least mine talked to me.... I'd try to get her to talk about it or something... Keeping it bottled up insice is not good, IMHO...
Give it time Melissa. She probably has a lot of mixed emotions right now that she can't figure out. Hope everything gets better for you two. Autumn
The ball is in her court now take it slow and easy remember baby steps
don't push the issue let her sort things out things may be cool / ice cold
for awhile.
Maybe flowers and a nice card remember there are no set of rules
for her to follow she will makeup her own set of rules as she goes.
For me it's don't ask don't tell my wife tolerates it so I don't push it.
Keep us advised and good luck.
.................................................. ......thanks........ORCHID
You say you've been married for 24 years, just imagine if she told you something after being married for that lenght of time, how would you feel? one thing would probably be that, you felt you couldn't be trusted and this maybe how she is feeling amongst other things.
Ask her to sit and have a chat with you about what's been said, tell her you'll answer her questions as honestly as you can. Let her know that she's not alone and tell her about the GGs here and our section we have here.
One thing don't push things, if she won't chat then tell her that you are there when she's ready to talk.
Sandra
Administrator
I always used to rib you about your legs can't anymore. R.I.P Sexy Legs
R.I.P Rianna
i was married for 21.5 years. it did not go well for me. but please please let us know how it turns out. all the very best wishes to you
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
Give it time Melissa. It's alot for wife to take in. You've been married for 24 years because there is a close bond betwen you two. Give her some space and it'll work out.
Melissa,
Like everyone else here I believe that you absolutely did the right thing in telling her. It is too much of a burden to hide ans it is far better coming from you than finding out by herself.
But given the 24 years together I suspect it is going to take her some time to digest it. Be there for her when she is ready to talk. Be honest and open. And let her know that you are still her husband and will always be her husband. Let her know about this forum and be prepared to show her where she can be educated about crossdressing.
Most importantly, show her that you love her.
Go talk to her, don't wait for her to talk to you.
You are still the you she has lived with, whatever she may be thinking now.
Say "I love you"
~Samm
.
'Kerriana "Samantha.....i feel like I'm hearing her through fractured glass.. She makes sense if you kinda squint"
WoW thats a pretty amazing thing you've done... You found the courage. It has taken you 24 years to find the right time for you to tell her, give her a while to get her head round it all. Some times it just takes a bit of time. Make sure you don't push her for a conversation. Sometimes when your angry, hurt or pushed into talking you make the Best speech you'll ever regret.
Love her and show how much you need her. I wish you luck and lots of happy times to come hopefully xx
Hi Melissa-
<big hug> Good for you, hon, you did do the right thing, but I bet you're scared to death right now, aren't you? And she probably is, too, about where it's all going to lead and about what else you may not have told her. FWIW, my wife and I will celebrate our 26th this November, I came out to her after we had been married for 19 years. So far, she has been supportive and accepting, for which I feel very, very lucky, but that's not to say there haven't been issues.
When she does decide to talk to you, Melissa, be prepared to answer a whole lot of very emotional and perhaps even angry and confrontative questions. You will need to think hard yourself about who you are, what you want and what being TG means to you. And of course none of us can know how our feelings may change in the future, either. Some of the questions she may have are:
1. Are you gay? Do you "dress up" so you can sleep with other men?
2. Do you still love me? Do you want a divorce?
3. How long have you been doing this?
4. What else are you hiding from me?
5. Do you want a sex change? Does accepting you make me a lesbian?
6. What will our family think if they find out?
7. Do you want to dress up 24/7?
8. How will it affect your job if your boss finds out?
9. Do you know how embarassed I will be if our neighbors/church members find out?
10. Why didn't you tell me before we got married?
Some of these are questions my wife asked me, some are questions other wives asked TG friends of mine and for sure, this is not an exhaustive list, she may have many more even tougher ones and they won't all be asked all at once. Just be as honest as you can be and also realize it will take time for your wife to even start to come to terms with it. As someone else pointed out, we have had all our lives to try and deal with our feelings and are all still struggling to one degree or another.
All I can say personally, Melissa, is that I wish you all the luck in the world. You did do the right thing, honesty in any relationship is the most important thing there is. Let her know that you love her, let her know you are the same person you have always been, be honest. Believe it or not, many marriages do survive and come out all the stronger. Please let us know how it goes for you, I wish both you and your wife the best. Good luck, girl.
Hugs...Joni Marie
Last edited by Joni Marie Cruz; 05-26-2009 at 08:33 AM. Reason: chng
"Because equality is not a concept. It's not something we should be striving for. It's a necessity. Equality is like gravity. We need it to stand on this earth as men and women. And the misogyny that is in every culture is not a true part of the human condition. It is life out of balance, and that imbalance is sucking something out of the soul of every man and woman who's confronted with it."
--Joss Whedon, to a reporter who asked, "So why do you create these strong women characters?"
In addition to everything else Joni listed I think that one sums it up pretty well to what your wife is thinking. Give her time to digest everything. I hope things work out for you.4. What else are you hiding from me?
Last edited by Tamara Croft; 05-26-2009 at 09:39 AM. Reason: fixed quote
I applaud you for telling her, after 24 years, that must have been really hard to do. Now all you can do is wait, let it sink in, be ready for the questions, let her know there is a board full of GG's like her, tell her she isn't alone. She'll have 101 things going on right now, let her absorb what you told her, let her come back to you to talk, she will when she's ready.
Administrator
Missing my Libra babe Sherlyn, I hope she's rocking up there with the angels
Missing our Rianna, doesn't seem right, gone to early, hope she's partying with Sherlyn
Told my wife after 24 years of marriage (couple of months away from our 25th). She was not a happy camper, but calmed down after a couple of days and started asking me "those questions." She's not supportive, but tolerates my dressing if she doesn't see.
My advice is to take it easy, let her ask questions, don't push, tell her she is still the only one for you and show her that love.
Sherrie Lynn Pall
Sometimes I make sense and that frightens me.
Please don't let me be the last post on this thread
I'm sure it is of little comfort knowing that you did the right thing, but the fact of the matter is that you did
Fulltime girl on the inside.
Lipstick=confidence
[SIZE=4]Holly[/SIZE]
You're absolutely correct. It's little comfort!I'm sure it is of little comfort knowing that you did the right thing, but the fact of the matter is that you did
How many times do I have to post this. Do not come out to anyone. The Truth and Honesty Squad is small comfort when your wife files for divorce, and you are losing your wife, kids and home! There are a hundred threads here on this. Come out at your peril!
What worked for me was to search the web about cross dressing and print out everything that applied to me. Then gave it to my wife to read and digest. Afterwards we sat down and had a good talk and I answered all her questions with total honesty. Over time she came to accept it and now allows me dressing time. She may not be 100% in favor of it, but she does understand my needs and accepts them and in her own way supports me. Just hang in there and keep the lines of communication open.
When I told my wife 2 years ago, she was silent for little more than a day,... internalizing, weighing, contemplating options. it took her a while to simply wrap her head around the whole idea. You have to admit, it's not something anyone expects in that situation, right?
Just give it time.
jenn
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