Wanting to be a female?

[ReineD]

Other than CDers who've never wanted to be female, and TSs who feel you are female, many of you in this thread said you would have liked to have been a woman in the beginning, but you do not want to anymore.

Why is this?

Do you feel it is too late now because of aging? The desire before was caused by pink fog (fantasy) but in retrospect it was not real? Does it have anything to do with sexuality? Have you discovered after lots of outings in the mainstream that the novelty wore off or it wasn't all you thought it would be? Have you discovered as you get older that you also enjoy your guy side, or rather your femme self no longer feels threatened by your male self?

???

[Kathi Lake]

Age may indeed be a factor for me. I guess once I realized that I was never going to be one of those cute 18 year-olds walking around the mall and having all of those girly experiences, I thought, "why bother?" Not that that stops me from dressing like an 18 year-old, of course.

Seriously, I'm not sure if it was a transitory desire, if I realized that what I had going for me was pretty darn good, or what, but I haven't wanted to be a woman for years. Maybe for me it was just finding out just how good I have it as a crossdresser. I have the best of both worlds. I can dress up if I want to. If I'm feeling lazy (at my core, I am a guy, after all), I don't. If I was a woman, I think the novelty would wear off. Right now, I get to put on makeup and dresses and heels. As a woman, I would have to, for the most part.

Does that make sense at all?

Kathi

[RWillow]

I have wanted to be female since age 5. In the 40's & 50's if I would have voiced my desire I would have been locked up in an institution. In the 60's there was still a good chance of getting locked up but also the lack of money. In the 70's, 80's and 90's the desire was still there but a lack of money prevented transition. Now days the desire is stronger than ever, the money is there but age and health stop me. I have gone as far as talking to a doctor in the far east, only to be turned down.

Bottom line, not only was I born the wrong sex, I was also born 40 years too soon.

Renyta

[Lorileah]

Can I play even if I didn't post on the other thread?

Wouldn't it be nice if gender confusion was black or white? There are a hundred "if's" here. If this was a perfect world you would be talking to "Miss" Monet now. Probably not Mrs. unless there were millions involved. Back in the day, transitioning was less desirable because the results were not even close to ideal. So in my mind if I had transitioned I would be even worse off than I was. So "if" the surgery results were s they are now, it would have been more likely. If I had a choice and could have been female from the beginning (at birth) that is a whole 'nuther story.

The age thing is the biggest thing right now. Many things are less desirable at my age. Body conformation is a biggie. I know some women have broad shoulders and narrow hips, and honestly I find them attractive, but I can't change mine enough to be happy.

The other point on aging (putting on body armor and building a wall for protection) is that I think women have more power when they are young. Not saying they have all the power and that was especially true 35 years ago, but they can control who is control. The power of sex is huge. At my age I might command respect for my experience. As a young, and I assume fairly attractive, female you hold the ***** behind the power. See another "if", I might have been so homely even the dogs would not play with me. I do like to feel in control.

I like me as a guys (usually) and I like how I look en femme now. Not the ideal still but it's the hand I have.

[ReineD]

Yes, of course you can respond to this thread Lorileah, and anyone else who did not post in the other. Anyone who's had a change of heart is welcomed to respond.

Thank you to Kathi, Panhead, and Lorileah for your insights!

[xAnne_Mariex]

When I first started out over 10 years ago I definitely wanted to be a girl, back then I was kinda having conflicting thoughts about my sexuality and I think it took the 3 or 4 year gap I had from dressing to ground me a bit and for me to get my head around who I was.

Now I am perfectly happy with being a guy and no longer want to be a woman. I will take every opportunity to dress up, but I do it now because I enjoy it so much and enjoy the whole transformation from boring ol me to pretty little Anne.

[Leanne2]

I agree with the post above that mentions that I was born too many years ago. If I was 29 and understood myself like I do at 59 then I would probably transition. But too much water has passed under the bridge and I can't go back. I have a wife, kids, and grandchildren that want me to be male. So I will, but I'll still dress up at least once a month and imagine what could have been.
It just feels so right when I'm Leanne. But I can't make such an important change now based only on feelings. If heaven is perfect then maybe I'll be Leanne in heaven. I'll find out in about twenty years. Leanne

[MissConstrued]

This is probably going to draw some ire, but I wonder how much of this "desire to transition" we hear about is evidence of Batty's "internalized oppression."

In other words, was one's gender non-conformity suppressed too much? We all know, of course, that bottling something up leads to an inevitable explosion. How many transexuals might be happy with simply cross-dressing, if it had been encouraged, rather than discouraged, from a young age?

From a young age, I knew there were things boys and girls could both do, but there were lines. I could learn to cook, vacuum, sew, and knit right along with learning to ride motorcycles, shoot guns, and wrench on cars. And I did. But wearing dresses, makeup, pretty shoes, jewelry? Nuh-uh! Logic dictates to the young mind that one must be female to do those things. That may be the cause, and the rest may be just so much psychological self-reinforcement. I.e. I like pretty clothes and lipstick, therefore I must really be a woman in the wrong body. Sometimes there's no convincing someone otherwise.

Realizing much later in life that yes, I certainly could do those things without anatomical rearrangement, quickly dispelled whatever notions I may have held in that regard.

So now... male mode or female mode or in-between... if I feel like wearing makeup or jewelry, I can. And do. If I want to get grubby under the hood of a car, then relax in a dress, I can. And do. Sport girly shoes and painted nails as a guy? Why not?

I realize this tearing-down of barriers will someday take all the fun out of cross-dressing. But will we see a whole lot less mental anguish, broken relationships, suicides, self-harm to accompany it? I suspect so.

[kristinacd55]

For me, it's an up & down thing perhaps a "male" hormonal thing or just mental. One day, I would love to be a woman then being a guy is the only thing for me. At this point, I believe I'm past wanting to transition.
I remember seeing in Look magazine when I was 14 a front page story about a "transexual" and what it was about and thinking Wait that's me! I guess since I didn't do anything about it in 1969 as far as transitioning I won't do anything now.

[julie w]

Although I have been told I pass better than most I know I dont
fool people enough to transition , I have been out and have been read lots of times
I cant see the point if I dont look enough like a women to intergrate into their world .

[Nicki B]

Isn't there a general tendency to view things as black and white - if I'm not all male, then I must be all-woman? This deep-rooted belief system causes so much harm. In reality we are all a mixture of gender feelings, men and women, cis and trans?

Many people, given the opportunity and acceptance, can find peace somewhere in between the two extremes?

[MarinaTwelve200]

Perhaps, like me, you wanted to be a woman for the wrong reasons, and eventually realized it.

Such reasons could be the prospect of a sexual turn on, but how long would THAT really last? Another reason could be because you have deep seated S/M humiliation fantasies, that are fun to dream about, but a real horror in RL. These and other closely related strong "drives" may make us THINK we want to be females, but as we age we finally figgure out what we are really after and realize that actually becomming a female, or a reasonable facisimile, is only a TOOL or route to our real goal, be it a "high", sexual turn-on, or whatever.

[TGMarla]

With me, it was one of those times when you draw a line down the middle of the page and weigh the pros and the cons of the situation. There was a time when I desperately wanted to be female. But on one side of the line there was the money problem, family, friends, the fact that transexuals experience horrid exploitation and discrimination, and the agony of going through the actual transition. On the other side was the fact that I'd be physically, if not genetically, female in appearance. I'd get to wear women's clothing without worrying about actually being female. But clothing alone was not enough reason to go through it, and the mental side of me was strong enough to withstand remaining male.

So the option to not transition won. Fight over. I'm content with it for the most part.

[PretzelGirl]

As always, one question and a variety of answers tailored for each individual.

For me, it is as simple as I have a lot in my life and I wouldn't want to lose it. Pretty much the same reason why I am careful about how out I am.

[TSchapes]

First of all when I was in my 20's I tried to explore whether I was a TS or not, and I kept getting different answers. I tried going to a psychiatrist and I wrote to some place in San Fransisco. There was a belief at one time that if you ever self-gratified while dressed you couldn't possibly be a TS. This has since been proven false, as it is more of what is going on in your brain than what's going on down below that's important. So, to sum it up, I was either crazy or didn't qualify, or they didn't know what to tell me.

Times have changed too. Even though there still is no national protection for the Transgendered, there are more people that are understanding. There are more support groups and access (via the Internet), and much more information. Keep in mind that when I was searching for answers, you had to go to a porno shop to find mailing lists of support groups. You were reading books like "Everything you wanted to know about sex, but were afraid to ask", that was openly hostile to the TG person (for example, he called a transsexual nothing more than a castrated male). You had to have a P.O. box if you ever wanted to communicate with any other T-girl in the nation, let alone the world. So it was quite different back then.

Add to this the cost, the pain it would mean to my family, and the pressure to be normal, you start to make other plans.

I can't tell you how wonderful it was to find someone, that knew I was a CD and didn't run away. Did not tell all her friends and family. So that is part of the reason I settled down when I was 36. Tired of being lonely and tired of feeling like a freak. Someone that I could love and they would love me back.

Now she or I had no idea how this would play out. And I kept in the closet while our son was growing up. But like anything bottled up, it's come out and exploded and I'm glad it did. I'm more comfortable with myself, and I am more out. So I've got my little Tracy time, and I think it's a workable compromise.

And yes, age has a lot to do with it. I keep thinking how many years do I have? 5, 10 15? Do I want to spend it transitioning, and fighting at this age? No, it's just too much.

Maybe I just have too many excuses, maybe I'm just not strong enough, because it takes a lot to cross over to the other side.

But like I've said before, it I were 22 and single today, it might be a different game.

-Tracy

[Jenniferpl]

The answers are complex and sometime not easy to come by. Choices I made years ago, help determine where I am now. Having kids plays a big role. Growing up is hard enough. To add the burden of a parent transitioning would not be fair to them. Add the fact that I am tall. Passing would be difficult no matter much work I had done. Doc's still cannot fix broad shoulders. I often wonder what it would be like to be a woman. to be able to fill out my bras naturally, to look stunning in bathing suit and much more.

It is not in the cards, as they say. I am who I am. I just try to be the best person I can be.

[Jonianne]

.......EDIT: I'm sorry Reine, it was late and my eye's were tired so I misread your first sentence, I hope you don't mind me answering........

Hi Reine, I know I am different from TS's and other CD'ers who are more transgendered than I am, because as a child I never had the strong desire or wish that I was a female.

Since age 7, I did want to be able to wear dresses, on occasion, and I did know I was very much like my mother, but I always just considered myself a male version of her. I never felt like I was a female trapped in a male body. I just wanted to be able to dress like a girl and do girl stuff sometimes.

The term crossdressing was not in use at that time, but later when I heard it, I knew that was me. My ex wanted me to start seeing a therapist in '92 and when I started, one of the things I told him was that I felt like about 20 to 30% of who I am wanted to be female. That number must have been pretty accurate because, to this day, that number is still how I feel inside.

A part of me would love to be female (born that way), but I am OK and I accept being, hopefully, (and trying to be) a gentle and more sensitive male.

[linnea]

I have gone over my feelings about this many times. I think that it is too late for me to transition fully; I'm approaching my mid-sixties. So, instead, I'm now taking some intermediate measures: moving toward disclosure to my family and friends, developing some fem traits (bigger breasts), considering hormones, trying to enjoy the level of femininity that I can achieve.
I am still frustrated at times, knowing that I really won't go the whole way, but I'm trying to make it the best that I can.

[LisaM]

Reine.

I think this is a great question and I don't know if it has been truly answered.

How many of us had wanted to be a female and then over time realized that wanting to be a female was not what thy wanted.

I think of myself as TS so I don't have a problem with this. I want to be a female,

But I am curious about others who don't want to be female and yet want to present as females.

[sometimes_miss]

Well, if you had asked me when I was growing up I would have said sure, I'd like to be a girl. Because from about age 7 on, I actually believed I was supposed to be a girl until I was about 14; I kind of expected god to correct his mistake and then everything would proceed as normal, I would go through puberty and develop normally as a woman like all the other girls. I wanted, and expected, to be female, and sure I wanted to be a beautiful one, just like every other girl does. When I started to develop a more masculine body, that became absolutely impossible. I had read about transsexuals, there were a few, such as Tula, who were pretty, but I knew that all I could ever be as a woman would be grotesque; so any chance of being a 'normal' girl went out the window. I had already grown up being a sort of outcast; I didn't want to live that way for my entire life, and attempting to become female would pretty much guarantee exactly that.
While I automatically 'self identify' as female before rational thought takes over, I know it's just a reaction to the conditioning I went through as a kid. Dressing as a girl was never a 'novelty'. I just felt normal that way.
I don't have a 'femme self' and a 'male self'. I'm just 'me' all the time. I do carefully suppress any feminine behavior when out of the house, anywhere I can be observed; I do my best to portray the image of the typical american male, and think I've been pretty successful at it so far.

Attracted only to women, if I had become mtf TS, I would have a hard time finding a partner, perhaps even more so than I already do as a crossdresser. Seeing that most of my crossdressing behavior is triggered by stress, and the most stressful thing in my life is being starved of affection, it's kind of a lose-lose situation, a positive feedback loop of negative feelings.

And for some reason, the cute little phrase that always goes through my mind is this:
'life's not easy for a boy named Sue'.
So whether we're named Sue, or just feel like we ARE Sue, or just sometimes want to be Sue, it's all the same.
Does this help answer the question?

[jessiejess112]

All my life I've wanted to be a female, but as I get older I'm finding out that it would be a huge hassle to go through the complete process of becoming a woman. and like somebody mentioned before quoting Mick jagger: sometimes "you can't always get what you want".
Not to mention the burden placed on my family: I think that in the end, my crossdressing doesn't have to be everybody's business.
I dress up privately now and then, and that satisfies me.
I enjoy being a guy too much now, not worrying about being dressed in a feminine way, or being pretty all the time.
And (especially since I like GG's) being able to attract girls because I'M JUST A GUY when I'm not dressed
Then again, my situation is unique and it probably doesn't apply to anybody else: or maybe it does, who knows?

[Kate Simmons]

Well, it seemed urgent in the beginning Reine not to mention I thought transitioning was my only option. The reason for that is I was brought up at a time when boys were not supposed to have , feel or display what many consider the softer feelings of tenderness, compassion and care of others. When we equate that to being feminine, we equate the appearance along with it. It seems to be symbolic in a lot of ways and the outside kind of mirrors the inside. The only thing to do was for me to become in a sense a representation of how I felt.

Now, of course, I finally realize that how I feel has litttle or nothing to do with what I am physically and I have embraced and taken ownership of the feelings allowing me to be myself in any mode. As such I am no longer limited in expectations of myself or others based on physical sex. I understand that it's much more important and relevant to see myself and others as simply individual people rather than this, that or the other thing.

[RachelDenise]

Honestly age does play a part. But i'm also the wrong size and shape. I might be more willing to deal with that aspect if I was younger. I don't want to bring in my life, however, right now things are generally good. I have a nice job in this economy, a cool place to live and so on. But as it stands now, too many hurdles. I have a better understanding of myself which also comes with age so that is a plus on the ledger. I know what I like, what is possible and what is fantasy. Look, another time, another place, another body and I'm so there.

[Annie D]

After much soul searching and coming face to face with my true feelings, if given the choice of being male or female, I would choose female. Transitioning to be a female is not in my plan but living as a female full time with the body I was born with is in my future. When it comes to the time that I can live as a female 24/7, I plan on making some body modifications but it very unlikely that I will become 100% female.

[Lorileah]

OK so what I see here is if I developed a surgery that moves the bony mass from your shoulders to your hips and we find a way to pull loose skin tighter, we would all transition . Damn nature! Or father time! or whoever was in charge when we were younger