Gradual or instant loss of friends?

[Nicole Erin]

First of all in my day to day look, one can tell I am CD, I look femme, flaming..
Just wondering what the experience of people here might be -

I don't have much of a social life at all really, but there was this one guy I was friends with, and several months ago when I told him about my CD'ing, he didn't care.
So things were alright. But - long story short, I think some of his family, friend, inlaws, etc started giving him a hard time about me. Some of his acquantaces have told him crap along the lones of "He is probably gay and wants to sleep with you"
Well anymore he seems to have more and more excuses to not want to hang out. Annoying cause I really don't have much of anyone to hang out with, turn to, etc. This becomes especially evident when I need help and trying to figure out who to ask...

OK I have bored you enough. Question is - with your acquantance loss on count of being who you are, those friends or relatives who have nudged you off, was it all the sudden or a gradual thing?

[Jessica Who]

I am sorry to hear that Nicole, I hope that your friend isn't being influenced in this way because that would be horrible. Good luck

[DianneRoberts]

I think thats why I can't come out.
I have family and a group of friends that I can't risk losing.

Maybe in the furure it would be no big deal, but HERE & now, I'm stuck.




And I'm butt ugly.

[tricia_uktv]

You lose friends on the way whatever you do. I am lucky, people have stuch by me. Close friends and family will but it does take time for them to think it through.

[Miranda-E]

Some were instant, some gradual, some are still here and new ones showed up.

Some people say they are OK with it just so they aren't seen to be close minded when they actually are.

[Joni Marie Cruz]

Are those the only choices?

Hugs...Joni Mari

[Deedee Dupree]

Over the years, both ways. I recall a friend(M) I had when I was 18, we hung out, listened to the same music & I let him hang out with the band, shot pool, talked about our girlfriends, etc.

Everything was cool and then one day he wouldn't talk to me. It turned out that his father, once he had become aware of or friendship, had a talk with his son telling him to stay away from me,... that I was gay. And, being a musician with shoulder length hair in 65, I was a threat to society in general.

Lost girlfriends this way too.

Many relatives moved away gradually, most being very closed minded, a product of their upbringing & times. Except for my musician friends and a few others, I was despised and avoided. I don't recall the "good old days" with much affection... I'm glad they are long gone.

Eventually I found real long term friends, a wonderful wife and have had a successful career. And despite what I have said above, overall I am very satisfied with the life I was given.

dd

[shesadvl]

Just reading all your gurls posts...isnt it amazing how people are afeared of the unknown...instead of asking the right questions of you to find out more....
But whether you are in the TG community or the hetrosexual or even metrosexual... it happens and its called life....

As DD put it closed minds, there are a couple of sayings I have one I didnt know was a well known quote... "be who you are not whom anyone else wants you to be."

The other is ...."how can people judge, because if you judge you cant love them."

Being a GG gone through a 32 yr marriage where my husband left with someone elses wife...LOL.,... true... I found out who my real friends are can count them on one hand,...then I have lost a few due to life illness's,

but also sympathise with all of you, as I have had friends who were Transgendered, have etiher taken their lives or just dissappeared no trace, because of unacceptance of others.

"its a cruel world we live in master jack"

but for every lost friend you will find a new one...specially in here...

[Briana Blonde]

In the closet so can't really comment.

Just be yourself and don't worry about what other people think.

Your true friends will accept you for who you are/who you want to be.

I don't look like a cd and I've had girls say, "you've got to be gay" and "you're so good looking you look like a girl."

LOL....whatev.

[Lorileah]

Never lost one immediately, a few drifted away but you all know me and I don't let things slide if I tell you I am a CD then you will hear about it again sometime. The ones who drifted probably would have drifted anyway because I don't do "guy" things. Gained a few new friends. Had the typical questions (we should just make a list and hand it out with checkmarks)

Gay -no
want to be a girl -no
are you nuts -no
does it turn you on sexually -no

Would have to be in pencil because some have changed over the years.

The one I hate -is do you want to....me? uh no or I would have said so before....sheeesh

[Kate Lynn]

Something similar happened to me,last year a friend and his GF stopped by,oops I was wearing a favorite pair of low heel ankle boots,they noticed but said nothing.

They stopped coming by wich tells me,his friendship wasn't genuine,they never call,and never return my calls,my wife says,"what goes around,comes around".

If he is no longer your friend,he never was.

[linnea]

My really good friends will stay with me regardless; the others may go fast or slow or not at all. That is just how it is.

[Carly D.]

This is one of the reasons I don't tell anyone is because I really don't have any friends outside the family structure.. so telling the family might cause me to have no one to turn to.. there was an entry about telling some one (family/friends) that I wrote think it through before you tell.. the main reason, I've only said this a million times, is because once you tell you can't go back.. once you admit you are a cross dresser that is the way you are for life.. even if you say you were kidding and just wanted to see their reactions they will always see you as a cross dresser..

[TSchapes]

I keep making new friends all the time! I've never lost anyone because I cross-dress, wonder what's wrong with me?

Oh and yea, a lot of people know that I CD...

-Tracy

[Hope]

Trials in life show us who our real friends are. And who they are not.

Real friends are hard to come by, but fake friends are not worth the time you spend thinking they are real friends. Be glad you have identified who is who.

[AmandaM]

In the 80's, I lost all 10-12 in one fell-swoop when I was outed. Now, I don't make friends easily. I stick with family now.

[battybattybats]

Just as we struggle with our CDing for fear of others judgement others who know us will suffer the same fear when we come out. Only through those brave enough or with enough strength of character to risk or defy that judgement will it become ok in general society to have a CD friend or even partner. Just as it's increasingly becoming the case for people to have gay friends.

It needs CDs to be brave enough to force as many people in the community into this uncomfortable choice as possible so that enough of them will have the courage of sticking with their friendships and family relationships to encourage others to do the same and reduce the fear of judgment from peers.

It's uncomfortable and even distressing to be faced with being judged for having a 'taboo' friend. My family faced that back in the 80's when my mum became friends with an out gay man. We chose fierce defiance and are still good friends with him today.

If we protect people from their discomfort in this we perpetuate a host of problems. Sure we can try and do things gently and gradually which is fine but if we don't do it we allow wrong to continue. And we must face the fact that there is cost, the risk we take and the risk our friends and family will subsequently take of loneliness, abandonment and hostility.

The Gay community faced the same issue, it was a big part of discussions about being out in the past. It's paid off for them and it could for us.

But it requires strength from us and strength from our friends and family. And choosing to subject the people we know with the discomfort of making the difficult choice between virtue and integrity or safety and comfort.

[goofus]

First of all in my day to day look, one can tell I am CD, I look femme, flaming..
Just wondering what the experience of people here might be -

I don't have much of a social life at all really, but there was this one guy I was friends with, and several months ago when I told him about my CD'ing, he didn't care.
So things were alright. But - long story short, I think some of his family, friend, inlaws, etc started giving him a hard time about me. Some of his acquantaces have told him crap along the lones of "He is probably gay and wants to sleep with you"
Well anymore he seems to have more and more excuses to not want to hang out. Annoying cause I really don't have much of anyone to hang out with, turn to, etc. This becomes especially evident when I need help and trying to figure out who to ask...

OK I have bored you enough. Question is - with your acquantance loss on count of being who you are, those friends or relatives who have nudged you off, was it all the sudden or a gradual thing?

I feel your pain...typical Hoosiers (many of 'em anyway)

[Persephone]

First of all in my day to day look, one can tell I am CD, I look femme, flaming..
Question is - with your acquantance loss on count of being who you are, those friends or relatives who have nudged you off, was it all the sudden or a gradual thing?

Very sorry to hear what happened, Nicole Erin.

I may have lost a few friends along the way, and there are a few I'm afraid to tell.

Among those are some who are aware of all of my eccentricities my long nails, etc., and say they do get questions from others they know, but still, I'm just not comfortable "officially" telling them.

The one instance I vividly remember was someone who outed me to one of the communities I'm involved in. I have no idea how many people she told, but it had NO negative effect that I could ever find. As a matter of fact, two people immediately called me up to find out if it was true, and, when I said it was, they were delighted! One is not someone I've remained in touch with more than occassionally (for entirely different reasons), but the other, a GG, has become a very close friend, comfortable with both of my personae.

I feel very bad for you right now, but, cold and distant as it may seem to you at the moment, there could be a silver lining if you can find others that are comfortable with you and that you can reach out to. They will become your best friends.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[TG-Taru]

Fight for him? Confront him with your suspicions? In a friendly way, set him straight reassuring you really only need a friend. Sounds it's the others putting doubt in and pressure on him rather than a problem he really has with you. If the pressure from others is too much for him at least you'll know for sure why.

[cindyscute]

Im sorry to hear whats's happening to you. That's why I haven't told anyone. I don't have a lot of friends and hate to loose the ones I have because they won't understand. It's probably best to make friends with other Cd's because they understand and you could discuss all kind of girl things.

I would love to find a GG that's understands and would want to do things together in girl mode.

[Di]

Trials in life show us who our real friends are. And who they are not.

Real friends are hard to come by, but fake friends are not worth the time you spend thinking they are real friends. Be glad you have identified who is who.

I love what Hope wrote and I think that is very true. Sorry Nicole Erin that your friend bowed to what ignorant might have thought ( I only mean ignorant about tg/cds)

[Joni Marie Cruz]

FWIW, but here is my experience with friends I have come out to. Perhaps I'm exceptional, though I do not feel that I am, but I have not lost any of my friends, though there have been, at least in my perception, some changes in the relationships. All of my g-girl friends, and to be honest, most of my very best friends are women, for some reason I seem to relate better to them than to guys, have been kind, understanding and supportive. All of them seemed to appreciate the fact that I trusted them enough to tell them about a part of myself like being TG and could be open and honest about something like that with them. Maybe it's just part of being a girl, a woman, I mean, but sharing those kind of feelings, the thing most men would never do, are something that women do.

My guy friends seem to be less comfortable with it. Again, perhaps, just typically a guy thing. Not that men don't have feelings, very real and heartfelt feelings, but it just seems they always try to keep them hidden and don't really know how to deal with them or express them. So, though I don't feel I have totally "lost" them as friends, there has been a change, or perhaps it's only me who feels that way, in our friendship.

Perhaps the main difference, and I use this only for purposes of expressing the difference in how I see men and women handle things like gender expression, is that I usually bring along a couple of pictures to show when I come out to someone. Just so they don't have any Jerry Springer ideas that I dress up in a sequined ballgown and a diamond tiara all the time. The girls always look at them closely and either compliment me on how I look or sometimes say things like, "I don't think that looks very good on you." The guys touch the pictures very gingerly and almost never say anything one way or another. I think they're afraid they may get TG cooties on them.

Sorry, as usual I kind of ramble.

Hugs...Joni Mari

[dawnmarrie1961]

Nicole, most of the people I encounter at work are young enough to be my kids. Most people who truely know me don't have a problem with me. Because I am me 24/7 I expect some people to ask questions.

I've been asked " are you gay? " more times than I can remember. I just reply "Yes. I am a lesbian. So what of it? "

Or the boob question. "Are they real?" to which I reply, " Yes. They are mine and you can't have them!"

Unfortunately I can't say I that I have any "real" friends. I had one once. I married her. Then, because of my choices, I lost her. That hurts a lot.

[Joanne f]

that is an easy one , instant